Tom: It’s the Children in Need single, and it’s…
Tim: …an absolute fucking disgrace? I know that’s a rude word, and sorry, but Jesus Christ, what the shit is bloody well going on, and why did…well, just why?
Tom: Well, it’s no McFly, is it?
Tim: Understatement of the decade, right there.
Tom: I know there’s been a share of downbeat Children in Need singles over the years – the glorious version of Lou Reed’s ‘Perfect Day’ being the standout one. But surely none of them have been quite as … meh as this one.
Tim: This is, oh, God it’s awful. My feeling right now, is just total incomprehension. How did this happen? What was Gary Barlow thinking when he put this together?
Tom: It’s a fairly well known track, I suppose, and I feel like I should give it the benefit of the doubt as it’s for charity and all that.
Tim: No. No, no, no. Charity: good. This: utter crap, and its being for charity does not excuse it. Okay, sensible critique: first off, no one there seems to care. There’s no emotion, no feeling, just a group of music performers reading a few words out. And speaking of the words: they’re weird. Apparently a poem written by a teenager*, towards the end there’s the ‘be anything you want to be’ idea which is nice, but thrown in randomly is something about a wise man telling the time on a cheap watch, and at the start we’ve got Ms Dynamite giving us a grammar lesson. Seriously? I mean, W T ACTUAL F is going on?
Tom: That final chorus does have quite a triumphant edge to it, but it took a long, long time to get there.
Tim: Yeah, and it’s all very well putting the upbeat music and lyrics at the end, but if everyone’s feeling suicidal by then all you’re really doing is damage control.
Tom: So here’s my thought: yes, give to Children in Need. But do it by grabbing the old McFly track instead. It’s a lot more fun.
Tim: Hell yeah it is. In fact, let’s watch it now.
Tim: Okay, I’m happy again.
Tom: As am I.