Tim: The obvious thing about this is the very military snare drum in the background, which wouldn’t be a bad thing, if there was something else to draw attention from it. There’s the piano, sure, and the guitars -

Tim: Yes, before you interrupt me, I have just described a full backing orchestration, but if you’ll let me continue – it’s the drums that stand out. The piano’s only audible in the quiet bits, when the drums are there as well, and the heavy guitars, rather than taking this back towards friendly happy music, only make it seem more serious, more soldier-like, and overall less fun.

Tim: Oh, probably. It’s listenable, sure, and it’s a decent song – just, did you have to choose that backing?

Tim: You keep saying that, and now I’m thinking I’d like to punch them on Friday. But anyway, this song surprised me. You’ll see why.

Tim: Yes. The key change. Because this is a song I can, without too much difficulty, imagine coming out of the mouth of Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, that lot. And those people don’t do key changes – they’re not right for a song, they’re outdated, they’re only there to spice up an otherwise dull ending. But here, despite coming at exactly the right moment in a Eurovision song, it’s so unexpected that it’s absolutely brilliant.

Tim: As for the rest of it? The rap breakdown in the middle is odd – not musically (see previous Nicki Minaj comparison), but certainly Eurovisionally (or at least, stereotypically Eurovisionally – maybe this whole week will be about challenging preconceived ideas).

Tim: I think you’re right there. It certainly fits well in the song, and while this is one of my least favourites of the bunch it’s still a decent tune, very poppy and, as you say, very likely to do at least fairly well if it makes it to Baku.

Tim: They’re scheduled fifth, yes, but until then, let’s start with number one:

Tim: Starts out like it’s just stepped off a boat from Rivendell, but quickly cheers up a bit. Maintains that Celtic folky feel throughout – sounds properly old-school Irish, a bit like what you’d hear if you were to imagine a leprechaun school disco.

Tim: Perhaps the compression algorithm rewards those who put effort into the music; one of the cheapest dance tracks of the past decade doesn’t really stand a chance. (Still must confess to liking it, though.)

Anyway, I do realise that I may have just insulted an entire nation and its long and distinguished history, with that first sentence, but it’s meant in a good way, I promise.

Tim: Well you see, I don’t know much about what Ireland’s currently producing musically, but as far as I’m concerned, Eurovision should be about a country and its music coming together, and if this is it, then bring it on.

Tim: That’s the thing – and if all this does is help perpetuate, via people like me, an old and out-dated stereotype that Ireland is full of little green men with bells on their hats and shoes, always going on about pots o’ gold, it’s probably best left at home, far away from Azerbaijan.

Tim: It gets straight in there with no messing around – this is an upbeat pop song song that quite clearly knows what it’s doing, and it does it fairly well.

Tim: Really? Huh. There are a few issues, though – it seems to get a bit bored after the key change, not really knowing where to go next, but it’s fine staying where it is. It needs a better ending, as well – it’s either got to be more drawn out or more abrupt, because the length it is just doesn’t do it for me.

Tim: Yes, and he’s the biggest problem for me as well, actually, because good as he is I can’t quite shake the feeling that he’s singing a little bit above his comfort zone. He’s bang on with all the notes, but the somewhat strained middle eight, along with the occasional more comfortable deep note near the beginning, just gives me the impression he’ll be reaching for a glass of water once this is done.

Tim: I’ve mentioned a lot of negative points here – overall, though, they are somewhat minor ones and easily fixed, and they don’t take away from the fact that I think this is a really good song. Like I said, upbeat pop that knows what it’s doing.

Tim: Hmm. It’s good. It’s very good. It’s more ravey than previously material, and it has a very similar ‘crank it up to seventeen right from the start’ vibe to it.

Tim: That first chorus is a closing section all in itself. But – and this is a fairly big but – this gets bored. It does a standard ‘drop down to very little’ in the middle eight, and comes back as it was.

Tim: You’re right – I’m being unreasonably negative.

Tim: If I knew nothing about Darin, or it was a different artist, I’d think: this is brilliant. The second half is as normal, with a quiet middle eight and big close, but the first half is amazingly better that it’s expected to be. And that is what this review should be, because this is a great song. It’s just – I can’t help but compare the two, and that annoys me.

Tim: I tell you what annoys me – the apparent loathing she has for words that begin ‘yo’.

Tim: Exactly like that. I didn’t mention it last time because I know it’s me being a pedantic arse, but really? It would be okay if it was remotely justified, but it seems more like ‘No, I just want to do my spelling with as few letters as possible.’ OK, Cher, 2 cn play @ that game.

Tim: If she wnts him bak, y iz she brakin his bak by scruing up his sk8bord trik? & hu wears 3D glasses lik that ne more?

Tim: Seriously? Do you know how hard it is typing like that? And you skip straight past it?

Tim: I’ve got to be honest – I never found Justin Bieber all that annoying. His fans, sure, but not the guy himself.

Tim: Well, I said I didn’t find Justin annoying – this Ascending Star™, as the video seems to want us to call him? Man, I want to punch him, with his stupidly over-sized peak on his cap.

Tim: Oh, see now it’s the end of the review and so I probably ought to say something about the track, and the horrible thing is: I quite like it. Not the stupid rapping bit (is it rapping, or is he just throwing a tantrum?), but the rest of it I think is quite catchy, poppy and enjoyable. And now I hate myself. Thanks Tom. Thanks a lot.

Tim: This, I’ll give about, ooh, 67%.

Tim: Allow me to justify. We have points given for the chorus being nice and upbeat, with a lovely hook and all that. At the end of the second listen, I am loving singing along to it.

Tim: It really is. But then we have points taken away for the fact that part of the reason the chorus is upbeat is that the rest of it’s somewhat dreary, although not so much that I want to switch it off, so not too many points. I would prefer the song with just the choruses, though, so that is why I choose to give it – actually, you know what? Let’s make it 68%.

Tim: Well, I did. It sounded about right.

Tim: Hmm. If I were you I’d get rid of ‘nice’ and replace it with ‘boring’. Look at me, I’m playing a guitar. I’m not an X Factor winner – I’m a Credible Rock Musician. And just to show how deep and emotional my songs probably are, because people really aren’t going to be able to listen to my lyrics without slipping into a coma, let’s have some people crying for no good reason.

Tim: Absolutely not – I’m a Serious Music Reviewer, and I do not confuse those things (much). What I am doing is allowing my personal dislike for Matt Cardle’s attitude to interfere with my discussion of this track. And that is something I am PERFECTLY ENTITLED TO DO.

Tim: Speaking of which, who wants a Christina Perri cover?

Tim: Oh, it’s alright, I suppose. And exactly what an ‘I HATE X FACTOR but actually I owe everything I have to it but I HATE IT’ X Factor winner should aim to come out with.

Tim: Tough, because this doesn’t sound anything like Aqua.

Tim: This band, though, is fronted by one member, backing singer Søren Rasted, and his nephew.

Tim: But that’s not all: in what is possibly—alright, certainly—a throwback to a career highlight, the track is called, yes, ‘Life in Plastic’

Tim: Also, you may have noticed the chorus rhymes plastic with fantastic, though sadly my Danish isn’t up to translating the rest of the line from his singing. But let’s move on from his overwhelming nostalgia and let’s discuss the song: it’s a bit odd, for me.

Tim: Well, that is true. And the thing is, I like it, pretty much, though I’m not entirely sure why. Because what it really does is remind me of Skrillex (don’t click that link), who is to dubstep what the Spanish flu was to infectious diseases, and to me about as appealing.

Tim: Oh, thank you very much. But that in turn reminds me of the fact that Radio 1 have, for god only knows what reason, decided to fall in love with Skrillex and other ‘new music’* and so play that all the time instead of what people actually like.

Tim: I am entirely aware of that, and am trying very hard not to get there. In moderation, I’m very happy with it – just not so much, so often. And actually, is he well liked, or are we just told he’s liked? Because last time I checked, his songs weren’t exactly flying off the servers. (Yes, that’s not the best way of measuring popularity these days, but still.)

Aaaaaanyway, that’s a moan for another time, but my main point is that despite all that, and despite the fact that the two Rasteds are not so much singing as speaking aggressively, I quite like this song. Why is that?

Tim: And it’s not a bad one to discuss. It’s not amazing, but it does have some excellent long notes, with a particularly long one being followed up by a not-too overstated key change, some nice up-and-down synth bits under the verses, and a couple of rather long legs.

Tim: That figures. The big screen at the back is also used well (and in time with the beat, which is a bonus), and the drummers keep themselves to themselves so there’s no distraction there. Really, I can see only two reasons for her not getting through: firstly, you NEVER break from the song to chat to the audience. You only need to look at Jimi Constantine to see where that can lead. What’s he done since then? NOTHING, that’s what.

Tim: Oh, please, I’m always correct. And secondly, voters clearly don’t like product placement. In the first and last chorus, the second line is clearly ‘baby you’re my one and only remedy’. But in the second chorus, I’d swear she’s singing ‘baby you’re my one and only Benylin’, and that’s just not on.