Fear of Tigers – Kaohsiung Christmas

“Pretty much everything you’d need”

Tim: You might remember Fear of Tigers from last year’s pretty good Revenge of the Tripods or earlier this year’s brilliant Sound of Arrows remix, both free giveaways; since then he’s lined up a number of tracks to release properly and as an album out in March, and this is the first of them.

Tim: “MORE CHRISTMAS! WE MUST HAVE MORE!” is pretty much what I thought when I saw the e-mail, but alas it turns out that the song has basically nothing to do with Christmas, or, in fact, Kaohsiung, a place in Taiwan. I asked him why the title, then, and apparently he spent the first half of his life there, and the song is a tribute to the city, where Christmas is celebrated as a festival of love. So isn’t that nice.

Tom: You’ve done proper journalism, Tim! I think you might get a badge or something.

Tim: Oh, thank you very much. I’ll write off to Blue Peter tomorrow. In the meantime, I really love this track (and I’d like it even more if it didn’t feature its misleading title).

Tom: Agreed: when the beat came in, I was pretty much entirely sold on the track — and then, just to make it even better, the chorus came along.

Tim: It’s really got pretty much everything you’d need in a decent ‘dreamwave’ (not my word, but it does sound good) track; the Taiwanese poem at the start probably isn’t for everyone, but it does serve to add a bit of the heartfeltness that might otherwise be lost if this were stuck in with a load of other synthpop, not that that deserves to happen. Because this is great: the chorus line, the ahh-ing at the end, the instrumental line, everything, really. Great.

Saturday Flashback: Pet Shop Boys – It Doesn’t Often Snow At Christmas

“So many bells.”

Tim: Yes, they did a Christmas track – originally in 1997 as a fan club exclusive, and now the updated and re-edited version from the Christmas 2009 EP.

Tom: So many bells. So much promise from that initial, pounding synth line. That first verse, though…

Tim: Yeah, I can’t lie to you: a minute in I was close to giving up on this track, because as we all know Christmas is amazing and there’s just no need for this sort of negativity. Then, though, the strange BING CROSBY shout-out happened, and I was intrigued, and then, oh, then that fantastic chorus.

Tom: Yep. Everything about this is wonderful apart from that odd, atonal verse — and I suppose I can forgive that, because without darkness how can there be light etc etc MERRY CHRISTMAS

Tim: Because obviously, it doesn’t always snow at Christmas and yes, I suppose technically some of the other points they make are valid, but damn, it’s still wonderful and we still need to celebrate everything that’s right about it. How do we do that?

Tom: Bells.

Tim: Bells indeed, along with a wonderful chorus, the aforementioned weird shout-out, and occasional Hark The Herald Angels Sing refrain, because why not? As we all know, they sing GLORY, and that really does sum up this track. GLORY TO THE PET SHOP BOYS. Go on – I dare you to sing that in church this year.

Tom: Wait, you go to church at Christmas?

Tim: Oh yes – Jeffries family Christmas Eve tradition. Nice baked ham in the evening, then the grown-ups stay at home eating cheese and talking about grown-up stuff, the kids go to the pub and we all meet up in the church at 11:30, ready to sing our hearts out. Norwich loves us.

Joe McElderry – Wonderful Dream (Holidays Are Coming)

“I think this might actually be the end of civilisation.”

Tim: Something I only learned (and was genuinely amazed by) a few days ago: this song wasn’t written purely for the Coke advert.

Tom: Huh. And despite generally trying to avoid adverts, even I’ve heard of that.

Tim: At least, that’s what I thought briefly, until I checked a bit further and found Wikipedia was really badly worded (who’d have thought?).

Tom: Ah, fair enough. So let me get this straight: it was written for the commercial, and then got turned into a track?

Tim: Indeed – in 2001 an American singer decided to, um, expand it (probably the most generous term possible) and the result is now actually a staple of German festive radio. And now our little Joe (as, I’m reliably informed, everybody in South Shields refers to him) has gone and covered it.

Tom: So a reality show winner, singing a song based on an advertising jingle. I’m not sure, but I think this might actually be the end of civilisation.

Tim: Yeah, thought I’d have trouble getting you on board, but I actually like the whole thing. It sounded weird at first, because it’s basically two songs being played at the same time – the advert underneath it, then some verses, a new chorus and some extra tune being written around it, and so what if the choruses end up on top of each other?

Tom: Aye; it sounds like a not-particularly-competent mashup.

Tim: But here’s why it’s brilliant: first, both of the songs have amazing lyrics. “Holidays are coming” is, yes, generic American nonsense, but it’s permeated over here and it sounds great, and “a wonderful dream of love and peace/joy and fun for everyone” can only really be disliked by someone with the emotional reach of the Grinch.

Tom: Hello.

Tim: Yup. Second: because it’s from the Coke advert. I know it’s all commercial and awful and everything, but damn, that’s one happy advert.

Tom: Speak for yourself.

Tim: So is this another unnecessary cover? Well, let’s be honest, it’s an unnecessary song, because if there’s one trend we really don’t need it’s existing adverts being made into full length songs, but I reckon it’s a very enjoyable unnecessary song, and if the cover hadn’t happened I’d not have known that this song existed at all, and my life would be that much less complete. So it’s GREAT.

Daft Punk feat. Julian Casablancas – Instant Crush

“I was pretty much just waiting for it to finish.”

Tom: The next single off Random Access Memories, and a new video. And hey – it’s a good three minute track!

Tom: …stretched out to five and a half minutes.

Tim: Yeahhh… after about three and a half minutes I was pretty much just waiting for it to finish. And then when it did, it was in a very dull manner indeed.

Tom: The extreme effects applied to the voice make it sound like a Hot Chip record — and why you’d get the lead vocalist of the Strokes in and then cover his voice in so much distortion, I’ve no idea.

Tim: Only reason I can think is: just for the name. Which is surely only necessary if you’re not already a big name, but then Daft Punk are arguably bigger than he is.

Tom: And I don’t know if the video was meant to be actually tear-jerking or just mawkish or melodramatic: I certainly got the latter.

Tim: I’ll be honest: I kind of stopped paying attention the first time, and I can’t be bothered to sit through the song again just to see the video.

Tom: The chorus is absolutely brilliant, the rest of the track a bit plodding: and even that’d be okay if it didn’t outstay its welcome. But it really, really does.

Tim: I’m actually not that enthused about the chorus, but I can’t disagree with the rest of that.

Foxes – Youth

Enough Christmas for now, let’s move on.

Tim: So, enough Christmas for you?

Tom: You know, I’m not sure. I’m almost disappointed. I actually got a bit Christmassy there.

Tim: Well, we still have our weekly trips to Christmas Past, but let’s move on for now. Here we have a song that has been played a lot on the radio; that’s been mentioned a lot on the whole internet thing; and that I only heard properly for the first time yesterday, so let’s do it now.

Tim: Here’s a thing: the verses are kind of, yeah, why not, it’s okay, The chorus, though, is progressive in a completely different way – same genre, but just so much more. Not just “the verse but more”, but actually a real improvement and one worth noting. And then it stops, and slightly starts all over again. Verse is low key (relatively; yes there are the good steel drums but they’re somewhat lonely), pre-chorus builds up and the chorus is lovely.

Tom: I really rather liked those steel drums. You don’t hear them much in pop, and while it brings the energy level back down it’s still a much fuller sound than you’d get from most instruments.

Tim: For the middle eight, we’re also starting again, low key and building back up to that great chorus to close us off. It’s a way of working through the song that works very well indeed. And then there’s also the video, which is, Minnie Mouse ears aside, unremarkable enough except for the few frames with the person spraying stuff on the wall. It’s not entirely clear, but it’s almost certainly “as long is the music is loud enough we won’t hear the world falling apart”, and let’s be honest that (a) very true, (b) entirely an irresponsible message to send out and (c) still very true. Let’s just listen to music. Sod politics, sod democracy, sod Russell twatting Brand. Let’s just listen to music.

Amanda Jenssen – Christmas Fool

Tim: Off the top of your head: most miserable Christmas song?

Tom: I lost the damn Get Through December Without Hearing That Goddamn Pogues Song challenge last week, so I’m going to go with that.

Tim: I’m still successful in that, actually, but you’re wrong. It’s this.

Tim: Well, I say that, and it’s kind of true – it starts off with a gunshot, the voice begins almost inviting you to tie yourself a noose with its tone, the music has you searching Google Earth for your nearest tall building and the lyrics are just the sort of thing to make you reach for your nearest bumper pack of paracetamol.

Tom: You say that, but it’s just not affecting me in the same way: that voice sounds like it’s out of an old Western movie, all smoky and tuneful, and that chorus is lovely. I found it calming and, well, a bit Christmassy; that middle eight had me smiling.

Tim: Well, if you’ll LET ME FINISH, I’ll actually agree with that. Because despite the fact that ninety seconds in (and despite a brief respite in the chorus), I’m pretty much reaching for the petrol canister—

Tom: Well, if the album is called “Hymns for the Haunted”, I can understand it. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say: I really like it.

Tim: EXCUSE ME, STILL TALKING. DESPITE THAT (and now I’ve pretty much run out of ways to squeeze in any more suicide methods), fifteen seconds later, it develops. The backing choir re-emerges, the voice becomes more melodic and it actually becomes vaguely manageable. Later still, the guitar joins in, and it’s almost downright pleasant. Except for the fact that her pronunciation keeps making me think she’s singing about Chris Moyles.

Tom: Chris…mas… Moyles. Oh, come on. That’s ruined the song for me now.

Tim: OH WELL.

Michaela de la Cour – Xmas

That might be the laziest Christmas track I’ve heard.

Tim: That’s right – just ‘Xmas’. And the brevity of the title is, in some respects, an indicator of things to come.

Tom: That might be the laziest Christmas track I’ve heard. What the hell were they thinking?

Tim: “RIGHT THEN,” thinks Michaela, formerly of Army of Lovers, “CHRISTMAS IS AMAZING, so let’s do a Christmas tune. Though, oh, can I really be bothered composing something new? Probably not. I know, I’ll just stick a few GarageBand loops together, and I should probably put some tinkly stuff on at the end. Should probably have some words, um, oh, well, people like saying Merry Christmas, don’t they? And capital cities as well, why not. DONE. Right, now LET’S HAVE FUN with the video. Has anyone got a human brain I can put a Santa hat on?”

Tom: Yep, that just about sums up it up.

Tim: And thus, it was. Music with a festivity rating of 0/10, lyrics with a festivity rating of 1/10 and a video with a festivity rating of 11/10. Oh, it’ll do.

Tom: It really won’t.

Tim: No, you’re right, it won’t.

Saturday Flashback: Shirley Clamp – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

“Woefully inappropriate”

Tim: Okay, so we’re done with our week of British festive tracks; let’s head over to where the good stuff lies. For this track, bear in mind what we’ve mentioned about maintaining the spirit of the original.

Tom: Just a reminder here that we’re probably due a Band Aid 30 next year. Band Aid 20 was nine years ago… and it was sold on iTunes. Time moves pretty fast.

Tom: That… that is energetic.

Tim: The Band Aid version is arguably the Christmas charity single to dominate them all. It’s deep, it’s explicit in what it’s saying, and while there’s a levity to it you never forget what it’s about. Well, unless you’re Shirley and you’re singing it, because, damn, could no-one have told her what it’s about?

Tom: There is a fairly inappropriate level of RAVE to this, isn’t there? There are plenty of songs that this treatment works for, but I’m really not sure this is one of them.

Tim: Right – and don’t get me wrong, I love a god pop banger as must as the next sensible person, but the idea of jumping around to a poppers o’clock rave tune about people starving of hunger just doesn’t quite sit right. That won’t stop me of course, because it’s a fantastic cover – just also woefully inappropriate.

Erasure – Loving Man

“It doesn’t have a Big Pop Hook anywhere.”

Tom: It seems like every band’s chucking out a Christmas album this year in an attempt to rake in the cash. And Erasure, who’ve been going for nearly thirty years now, have provided with a new Christmas album called “Snow Globe”.

The first single is called Gaudete, and it’s an electro cover of a traditional Latin hymn. It’s also a bit dull, as are most of their Christmas covers, so instead here’s something a bit more, well, a bit more pop.

Tom: It doesn’t have a Big Pop Hook anywhere — have you noticed how all Top 40 songs are all about the hook now? — and so it feels more like the album track it is rather than the big single.

Tim: I don’t know, maybe not a Big Pop Hook, but it’s a got recognisable chorus line to it, and the “I’ll be your loving man” is fairly memorable. And it a good way – it’s decent, even if it is just a hook with a small h.

Tom: But it is a lovely album track, even if it is sitting oddly between much more calm Christmas fare.

Bad Religion – White Christmas

“Better known for songs like ‘Better off Dead’.”

Tom: Earlier this week, Tim, you said that a cover has to maintain the spirit of the original.

Tom: And I was all about to say that you were about to be disproved by an LA punk band that started in 1979, but you know what? The instrumentation may be different, the band may be better known for songs like “Better off Dead“, but I reckon the spirit’s still here.

Tim: You know, I think you’re right – there’s the sort of yearning in the voice, that almost stands out against the harsh backing, which does make this a very close fit. A surprising fit, but a close one nonetheless.

Tom: The spirit of O Come All Ye Faithful, though? Possibly not.

Tim: Haha, that just screams ‘drunk hobo at the back of the church’ – vocally, I’d have to hand the crown for that song to Twisted Sister.

Tom: I couldn’t actually get through that video. I think I’ll stick with punk.