Tooji – If It Wasn’t For You

How can a song with whistling, about mothers, be a dirge? (With bonus verge into fan fiction!)

Tim: Last seen saving Britain from being in last place in Baku with the poorly-received Stay, Tooji has decided to leave behind the dodgy vocals and bass-heavy dance for a nice sweet song about someone he loves very much. To be more specific: his mummy. Aww.

Tom: Oh dear.

Tim: A cruel part of me wants to imagine a link between the previous song and this, along the lines of “I know you didn’t approve of me going off to Azerbaijan with all that D&B and stuff, but now the entire country hates me so can you please forgive me and let me live with you until the insurance pays out after my house got bombed? I’ve written a song to show you how much I care for you.”

Tom: That is cruel, but my word, this song makes me agree with it. It’s… a dirge. How can a song with whistling, about mothers, be a dirge? But it is.

Tim: The main part of me, though, is fairly sure that this isn’t the case and that in actual fact he’s trying to redeem himself by showing the public what a lovely person he is, because how can you be mad at someone who loves their mummy so much?

Tom: Turns out it’s easy, if they put out a song like this.

Tim: Whatever the motivations (there is of course the possibility that it’s a song of genuine filial love) it’s a good track given the subject, what with the nice cross between the ballad you need to get the message over and the dance beats to satisfy what fans you still have left, managing to make neither sound out of place.

Tom: There’s no dance beats in here! You could perhaps hold a funeral march to it, and perhaps the dubstep fans could somehow make their slow-rhythmic movements to it, but that’s about it.

Tim: There aren’t many, but I reckon that chorus just about qualifies as dance-y. Though now you mention it, it wouldn’t seem too out of place at a funeral. Even so, I reckon with this he can get Norwegians back on board.

Tom: I reckon with this, Norway’ll disown him.

Tim: Hmm. Quite harsh. Before we finish, I should point out, somewhat belatedly, that I have no idea whatsoever what the Norwegian reaction to his placement was – for all I know they never stopped loving him. But still, we can imagine.

Tom: I’m imagining him being run out of town on ice skates.

Tim: All the way down to the frozen lake where mummy’s got a small cottage.

Tom: This is verging into fan fiction now.

Tim: And then she’s baking him a cake to welcome him back, and you’re right, this has gone far too far. Let’s STOP IT HERE.