Tim: Yep, it’s that time of year – three months to Eurovision, time to look at the songs that have been binned off in the selection processes. We’ll start close to home, I think, with my favourite of our six.
Tom: A new high for number of syllables put into the word “ha-a-a-a-a-zy” there, beating Britney Spears’ previous record of four. But this is… mediocre at best. Why do you like it?
Tim: See, there’s a debate to be had over what makes a good song to send to Eurovision. Should it be a song that sounds typical of your country’s output? Arguably, yes – that’s kind of the point of it, to display and experience the best your country has to offer. But, well, we tried that with Joe & Jake, and then Lucie Jones, and neither of those ended particularly well.
Tom: Let’s not forget Electro Velvet. Well, actually, maybe we should.
Tim: Excuse me, you’re forgetting that that electro swing is really big right now. Alternatively, though, should it be something that sounds closer to other countries’ output, to pick up some votes from there? And that, you see, is where this comes in.
Tom: The trouble with that is: you’re never going to pick up points from everyone. To win Eurovision these days, you need to send an absolutely world-beating pop song (“Heroes”, “Love Shine A Light”, “Euphoria”), or you need to send a person or song who stands out from the crowd well enough to charm everyone (Conchita Wurst, last year’s Portuguese bloke whose name I’ve already forgotten).
Tim: We all have, I think.
Tom: Just ripping off another country’s style isn’t going to be enough.
Tim: No, but then it’s a good track on its own, and it also sounds, to me, remarkably like something that’d arrive via Turkey, Azerbaijan, or various other eastern European countries; while they may be all tiny and fiddly and far away to our eyes, there are a lot of them and they do all have 24 points to give away.
Tom: And a load of other, potentially better, people in the same style.
Tim: Ooh. Oh, yes, that is a good point. And also, it’s slightly dodgy tactics – but if dodgy tactics is was it would have taken to get us to host a European love-in in May next year, I’d be all for it.
Tom: No, I can’t get behind this. The vocals are okay, but the song’s dull: it’s not a standout pop song, and it’s not a standout performance. But judging by the winner, none of them were — and that’s down to the BBC.