James Newman – My Last Breath

‘“I would die for you” is best not expressed as “if we have completely recklessly screwed up, I’ll let you watch me die first in exchange for you having a couple more minutes of terror”.’

Tim: ALRIGHT THEN so all us British Eurovision fans got a bit excited at the weekend because it was announced that our entry this year would be announced on Radio 1 and Radio 2 at the same time, which is pretty much the first time in decades that Radio 1 had played any serious attention to Eurovision.

Tom: Yep. This was properly exciting. Did we finally have another Katrina?

Tim: Was the question on everyone’s lips – with that and the knowledge that the BBC had binned off public selection and teamed up with BMG to find an entrant, naturally the rumour mill went into overdrive: Lewis Capaldi’s name was thrown around, some had heard John Newman, some saying John Newman’s brother. Aaaand, it’s the last one of those. Press play.

Tom: I’ll level with you, I had to Google who John Newman was, let alone his brother. I think I remember him? Sort of?

Tim: Fair’s fair, describing him as ‘John Newman’s brother’ is a massive disservice, given that he’s a very successful songwriter, having written songs that have won Brit awards and been nominated for Grammys, so let’s not do that.

Tom: Didn’t bring it for this one though, did he? Bottom quarter of the table, easily, probably bottom four.

Tim: Oh, wow, see I was going to go for: it’s an alright track, really.

Tom: Is it though? The melody’s forgettable and the chorus lyrics are cringeworthy. Divers / find-us isn’t a great rhyme to base an entire hook on, and if you are going to make your entire chorus an extended saviour metaphor, you’d better make sure it stands up to at least some scrutiny.

Tim: Well, sure, but–

Tom: To be clear, I’m not asking for realistic song lyrics! It’s just that “I would die for you” is best not expressed as “if we have completely recklessly screwed up, I’ll let you watch me die first in exchange for you having a couple more minutes of terror”. That’s not pedantry, that’s a surface reading. And the entire song hangs on that!

Tim: Hmm. Okay, well, you may have a point there, so let’s move on elsewhere, swiftly. At just two and a half minutes it’s short even by Eurovision standards – we’re done with the first chorus by the one minute mark and it never really changes pace.

Tom: Right. It’s not interesting enough, or catchy enough, or— anything enough. Out of all the world of pop music, this is what they got? Is no-one reputable even going near British Eurovision entries any more?

Tim: AWARD-WINNING, Tom. AWARD-WINNING. Mind you, I can’t disagree with you with the style of it, which is far too close to last year’s fairly tedious winner for starters – but at least it’s not electroswing (though apparently that’s really big right now?).

Tom: Controversial opinion: I honestly think “Still In Love With You” is better than this — perhaps with the exception of that appalling middle eight they had. At least it tried to do something. There was a world where they went slightly less weird with it and it worked; I just can’t see anything that could save this new one.

Tim: Oh, I DON’T KNOW, I really don’t. I’m not excited by it, sadly, but, as I say pretty much every year, I guess it could do alright?

Tom: I don’t think so. But I hope I’m wrong.

Tim: Me too.