Author: Tim

Michaela de la Cour – Xmas

That might be the laziest Christmas track I’ve heard.

Tim: That’s right – just ‘Xmas’. And the brevity of the title is, in some respects, an indicator of things to come.

Tom: That might be the laziest Christmas track I’ve heard. What the hell were they thinking?

Tim: “RIGHT THEN,” thinks Michaela, formerly of Army of Lovers, “CHRISTMAS IS AMAZING, so let’s do a Christmas tune. Though, oh, can I really be bothered composing something new? Probably not. I know, I’ll just stick a few GarageBand loops together, and I should probably put some tinkly stuff on at the end. Should probably have some words, um, oh, well, people like saying Merry Christmas, don’t they? And capital cities as well, why not. DONE. Right, now LET’S HAVE FUN with the video. Has anyone got a human brain I can put a Santa hat on?”

Tom: Yep, that just about sums up it up.

Tim: And thus, it was. Music with a festivity rating of 0/10, lyrics with a festivity rating of 1/10 and a video with a festivity rating of 11/10. Oh, it’ll do.

Tom: It really won’t.

Tim: No, you’re right, it won’t.

Saturday Flashback: Shirley Clamp – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

“Woefully inappropriate”

Tim: Okay, so we’re done with our week of British festive tracks; let’s head over to where the good stuff lies. For this track, bear in mind what we’ve mentioned about maintaining the spirit of the original.

Tom: Just a reminder here that we’re probably due a Band Aid 30 next year. Band Aid 20 was nine years ago… and it was sold on iTunes. Time moves pretty fast.

Tom: That… that is energetic.

Tim: The Band Aid version is arguably the Christmas charity single to dominate them all. It’s deep, it’s explicit in what it’s saying, and while there’s a levity to it you never forget what it’s about. Well, unless you’re Shirley and you’re singing it, because, damn, could no-one have told her what it’s about?

Tom: There is a fairly inappropriate level of RAVE to this, isn’t there? There are plenty of songs that this treatment works for, but I’m really not sure this is one of them.

Tim: Right – and don’t get me wrong, I love a god pop banger as must as the next sensible person, but the idea of jumping around to a poppers o’clock rave tune about people starving of hunger just doesn’t quite sit right. That won’t stop me of course, because it’s a fantastic cover – just also woefully inappropriate.

Bad Religion – White Christmas

“Better known for songs like ‘Better off Dead’.”

Tom: Earlier this week, Tim, you said that a cover has to maintain the spirit of the original.

Tom: And I was all about to say that you were about to be disproved by an LA punk band that started in 1979, but you know what? The instrumentation may be different, the band may be better known for songs like “Better off Dead“, but I reckon the spirit’s still here.

Tim: You know, I think you’re right – there’s the sort of yearning in the voice, that almost stands out against the harsh backing, which does make this a very close fit. A surprising fit, but a close one nonetheless.

Tom: The spirit of O Come All Ye Faithful, though? Possibly not.

Tim: Haha, that just screams ‘drunk hobo at the back of the church’ – vocally, I’d have to hand the crown for that song to Twisted Sister.

Tom: I couldn’t actually get through that video. I think I’ll stick with punk.

Kim Wilde & Nik Kershaw – Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

“What does this add to the world?”

Tom: Despite the public only knowing one of her songs, Kim Wilde has had a pretty long career in music. Although apparently she’s a bit hard up at the moment, hence doing a load of adverts and putting out a Christmas album.

Tom: At this point, I’m just tempted to have a sign ready that just says “UNNECESSARY COVER”. What does this add to the world? A really cheesy outro line? An unnecessary video based on irritating people in a quiet carriage? A keytar? (Okay, so the keytar’s pretty good.)

Tim: Yeah, unnecessary’s probably a good word, especially since it’s hard to distinguish much between this and the one she did twenty-odd years ago.

Tom: Yes – the Mel Smith dedication at the end is based on the first time that Kim put this single out. It was for Comic Relief, and it’s terrible even by the standards of the era. Even without the Rolf Harris reference.

Tim: Though the video, it’s worth noting, is most likely inspired by her slightly inebriated antics of last December, so it’s nice to know she can at least laugh at herself slightly.

The KFC Choir – The Taste That Unites

AND THEN THE GOSPEL CHOIR EMERGED.

Tim: Last year, we did the John Lewis advert. Two years back, The Churned. 2010, Shakeaway. We therefore have form for one advert a year, so WE’RE DOING THIS.

Tom: And as is traditional, I’ll be handing the reins entirely over to Tim for this one, because I’m not even clicking that link.

Tim: Fine. Be like that.

Tim: First off, let’s ignore the fact that any family that has KFC for their main Christmas meal deserves to be force-fed nothing but said eleven herbs and spices until they vomit herbs and crap spices all over the kitchen floor. And now that’s said, assume (or at least please try to pretend) we’re happy with the idea of KFC for Christmas. Yes? Oh, of course, you’re pretending you’re not listening.

I’ll be honest with you: by two minutes in I was already entranced by this advert. AND THEN THE GOSPEL CHOIR EMERGED. And oh my word, I haven’t heard such a glorious key change since, oh, to be honest I’ve not kept track but flipping heck that wonderful isn’t it? ISN’T IT? You don’t need to answer, because YES.

But of course, it’s not all about the (wonderful) music, there’s the lyrics as well, especially with this being a ‘comedy’ song. And that’s where it (slightly) falls down. Yes, they got in jokes about childhood incontinence, and the current culture of litigation, so well done because those are quite good. But somehow they didn’t realise that “let’s come together at Christmas time” might just possibly, slightly, maybe, in a comedy song, be misconstrued a little bit.

Anyway, deliberate or otherwise, I love it. Christmas is about commercialism, and this is it. Wonderfully, this is it.

Tom: Congratulations, Tim. You’ve found the true spirit of Christmas. We can all go home now.

Saturday Flashback: Katie Watkins – Not To Blame

“Comforting and just, well, nice.”

Tom: So after listening to that load of folk-rock gubbins you sent through for Thursday, Tim, SoundCloud decided to play this track at me. It was like a pleasant, refreshing sorbet after a somewhat chewy, bland main course.

Tom: And isn’t that lovely? Soaring strings. Gorgeous voice. Nothing particularly too imaginative about that chord progression or melody, but that’s not what I was looking for: I was just hoping for an enjoyable song.

Tim: Hmm. I’d not heard of ‘baroque pop’ before I saw the tags for this. Interesting. Can’t disagree with anything you’ve said, really (except for the ‘gubbins’ insult).

Tom: The only bit I don’t like, oddly, is the actual “not to blame” melody, which sticks in my craw a little.* I know that it’s an effect that songwriters go for, the whole “suspend the key lyric over a quiet bit at the end, like a diving board dangling over a swimming pool” thing, but it just stuck out here amidst a song that’s otherwise comforting and just, well, nice.

*That’s totally an actual thing people say.

Tim: I think “comforting and just, well, nice” kind of sums this up – decent enough chorus, gentle and unexcitable verse, but nothing particularly rousing. Which is fine, and you’re right, those strings can be singled out as a high point, but, yeah. Comforting and just, well, nice.

Icona Pop – Just Another Night

New video from Icona Pop for you.

Tim: New video from Icona Pop for you.

Tom: Blimey. They can sing.

Tim: Yeah, I didn’t write much in the intro because I didn’t want to spoil that for you; I’m guessing it’s not remotely what you expected?

Tom: Not at all.

Tim: They played it when I saw them live; it wasn’t a massive crowd-pleaser, but I’m not surprised they’ve made a video for it, just to demonstrate that they’re not just shouty girls but are actually talented singers. It still is a bit shouty, because that’s what makers them them, bit it’s probably as close as we’ll get to an Icona Pop ballad any time soon.

Tom: And you know what? I want more like this. Icona Pop’s regular style is always a bit too shouty and dissonant for me: this is brilliantly realised, wonderfully melodic, and just plain pleasant to listen to.

Tim: You say that, and it is, but I don’t really know when I’d ever choose to put it on: if I want Icona Pop stuff, this isn’t it, and if I want ballads, I wouldn’t put this on my playlist. So I’m going back to my earlier theory: to prove that they’re not just shouty. And for that, it works.

Tinie Tempah feat. John Martin – Children of the Sun

There’s the chorus. Which is just glorious.

Tim: “I know, I know, it’s rap,” he said a couple of days ago as if it was banned. Not necessarily, so here’s some more. This is, you’ll notice, a lyric video; there’s an actual video but we’re having this for two reasons I shall mention in due course.

Tim: Firstly, the proper one features a lot of people staring directly at a solar eclipse, which is very dangerous and a terrible example to set, so obviously we shouldn’t have that.

Tom: I was going to be all sarcastic about that but, actually, seriously, that’s a really stupid thing to put in a video for all ages.

Tim: Secondly the fun thing about this lyric video is that it omits all the rude words; I suppose that’s a good thing but it does mean that reading along with him rapping serves only to draw attention to the missing words, and what has suddenly become my favourite line which I’d not noticed before: “I told my bro to call an ambulance cos I caught a cold and went spazz on em.”

Tom: Bloody hell. I can see why that got censored out. In fact, I’m wondering whether we should have done the same.

Tim: Nah. And as for the rest of it? The rapping is, well, good if that’s your thing and perhaps not so much otherwise, though I can’t help feeling that some of the cultural references may well date it fairly quickly (or, in the case of the Harry/Vegas line, make it already seem five years old).

Tom: It took me a while to place that reference even now. Tinie’s style isn’t my favourite, but he’s clearly got skill — and the fans to prove it.

Tim: And along with all that, there’s the chorus. Which is just glorious, and exactly why I love it so much. Because yes, after a while, the non-stop spoken stuff coming at you can get a bit too much, but you know it’s worth it because that chorus is coming back, and when it does it’s just great.

Saturday Flashback: Xzibit feat. Young De – End of the World

“This one’s a bit different.”

Tom: I know, I know, it’s rap. We don’t normally cover anything like this. But this one’s a bit different.

Tim: Hmm. Is it?

Tom: It is, and here’s why: it was designed, from the hook to the lyrics, to appeal to the mainstream. It’s off a double-album called “Urban Ammo”, created by rapper (and US Pimp My Ride host) Xzibit for use as production music: for film soundtracks, movie trailers, and wherever they can’t afford to license Big Commercial Tracks.

Tim: “Urban Ammo”. Yes.

Tom: So if, listening to this, you thought “huh, this isn’t usually my thing”, then you’re right: this is marketed not at folks who actually buy ‘proper’ rap music, but at middle-American cinemagoers and TV-watchers. Note there wasn’t a single word in it that had to be censored. It’s all the style, without the substance.

Tim: “Style”. Interesting choose of word.

Tom: But what style.

Tim: Oh, we’re sticking with it. Okay.

Tom: First of all, that is an absolutely amazing hook. Second: it’s Xzibit. This isn’t some two-bit has-been or never-was: the man can rap.

Tim: Second, yes. But first, really? There’s a hook, sure, but is it amazing? It’s just a guy speaking instead of rapping, though admittedly with vaguely melodic inflections here and there. Potentially with the piano underneath it could be, but I’d want something vastly more melodic before it could be described as ‘amazing’.

Tom: Huh. Given that you’ve been in favour of some rather… tuneless tracks in the past (Icona Pop’s I Love It, for example), I’m surprised this doesn’t qualify for you.

Tim: Well, if you remember, I didn’t hugely like that when I first heard it, but then Icona Pop’s later releases were so good that I ended up listening to it quite a bit and it grew on me a lot. Can’t see the same thing happening here.

Tom: This, I reckon, could’ve been a proper Top 40 commercial track given a bit of remixing and some good marketing. Instead: you’ll hear it in the background of films and TV shows somewhere, filling in where otherwise there’d be silence.

The Fooo – Fridays Are Forever

“What 5ive might be bringing out.”

Tom: Ah, these guys again! Not a cover of an odd track, this time?

Tim: No, a new one. This appeared last Wednesday, but I only saw it on Saturday, and I thought we should probably leave it until now because, well, check the title.

Tim: As a poor, crappy retail worker I have little love for Fridays, coming as they do not before the weekend but before the worst day of the week, but it’s still hard to hear this without feeling some appreciation for that particular day. You said recently that Rebecca Black had ruined Friday for all future songwriters; turns out that’s not quite true because this song has all the marking of a fairly decent pop song.

Tom: It does – as soon as they started the sort-of-rap part, I started thinking of what 5ive might be bringing out if they were still around.

Tim: The rap/pop thing is interesting, in that it’s not really been done at all since, like you said, 5ive, way back when and pre-Big Reunion. Still works, though, so good work to them for trying to bring it back.

Tom: I briefly thought that The Fooo seemed a bit more aimed at kids than 5ive were, I then remembered that I’m older now and they’re probably about the same.

Tim: It’s catchy, it’s upbeat, and admittedly they’re probably singing more from the “we don’t have to go to school tomorrow” area than the “we don’t have to go to work tomorrow” one, but who cares? It’s a very enjoyable message which, well, a good 70% of the population can probably get behind. And if you can get that number on your side you can pretty much do what you want. World domination lies ahead. Or perhaps not. Probably not, really, because they’re a slightly above average Swedish boyband and not Richard III, but anyway, I’m drifting. Good track, well done to all involved.