Author: Tim

Emmelie de Forest – Only Teardrops

Are they cheating a bit?

Tim: Well then. Odds on the bookies’ favourite, it defied nobody’s expectations whatsoever when it romped to a fairly decisive victory, giving us a second Eurovision winner in a row who’s in dire need of a comb.

Tom: And the second Eurovision winner in a row to be the bookies’ favourite — although it was a bit unpredictable before then. Hopefully that’s not a pattern: it’d be a shame if it lost all predictability.

Tim: The staging raises an interesting question, though, which was brought up by, of all people, Ana Matronic on BBC3’s coverage of the semifinal – are they cheating a bit with the spark fountains and stuff?

Tom: If they did, then so did Lordi a few years ago, with their pyrotechnic extravaganza. There’s certainly an argument that they affect the voting.

Tim: There’s no doubt that it’s a good song, and a deserving winner, but spark fountains do, to anyone who’s ever seen Idol, The Voice or The X Factor, convey ‘THIS IS THE WINNER’. It turns a good performance into an incredible one, and was seen to an even greater extent with Romania, originally one of my least favourite songs – in the stadium, the crowd’s reaction for the first couple of minutes was a basic WTF; the sparks and confetti hit, though, and suddenly people, including me, couldn’t get enough of it.

Tom: I’m also going to split from the crowd a bit here, and say that I don’t think it’s a particularly good song by Eurovision tracks: middle-of-the-road at best, easily being beaten by — for example — Malta and Belgium. I couldn’t even remember it afterwards. That’s very much my personal taste, of course.

Tim: Hmm. Nice choice with Belgium there, though I’d have to disagree with your choice of the cockney-less Frankie Cocozza there; mind you, my favourites actually ended up being Russia and Iceland so what do I know.

Back to this, though, and obviously “cheating” is a big word, and the only reason other countries didn’t have similar effects is that they didn’t ask for them, but it’s said a lot that the performance is almost as important as the song; is this taking it too far? To be honest, I kind of think it might be.

Tom: I suspect that Bonnie Tyler was missing more than a balloon drop.

Saturday Reject: Martin Rolinski – In And Out Of Love

“A perfect example of ‘Swedish pop music’.”

Tim: Tonight’s the night, and we’ve just got time for this, from Martin Rolinski – you’ll recognise the voice, I trust, from Swedish band-of-the-00s BWO, and this year he took time out of his day job as an engineering scientist to return to the music world for one competition only.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lad0OuNjRwQ

Tom: My word, he sounds a lot like Neil Tennant from the Pet Shop Boys in this track. Can’t say I’ve heard it before, though – perhaps he just had a bit of a cold on the night and went a bit nasal. It’s not a bad track, though – how’d it do?

Tim: Got through to Andra Chansen, and ended up in the top half of that, but didn’t quite get to the final. That’s a shame, for one particular reason: I reckon it’s a perfect example of ‘Swedish pop music’. He had it back in BWO, and he’s still got it now – it’s the melody, the vocal, the backing, the bright colours, everything. It’s all there, and it’s exactly the sort of music that represents Swedish pop at its best.

Or at least it was, five years ago.

Tom: It still sounds good to me. What’s changed?

Tim: Oh, it’s certainly still good, but now, things are different – pop music has become somewhat homogenised, and, for better or worse, a lot of pop music from Sweden doesn’t sound hugely different from pop music from other countries. This, though, is a track that could only really come from Sweden, and that’s why it’s a shame it’s been knocked out.

Saturday Reject: LaBrassBanda – Nackert

Imagine some Germans playing music.

Tim: A song that was massively popular amongst the German people, getting nine out of nine 12 points from radio station audiences and 10 points from the TV viewers, but horrifically bombed with the jury.

Tom: Popularly known as “doing a Jedward”.

Tim: Before we listen to it, though, I want you to imagine some Germans playing music. Feel free to stereotype as much as you like, but focus on the whole thing – music, clothing, the whole shebang.

Got it?

Tom: Yep. I’ve got a hell of a stereotype in my head, though, this had better be…

Tom: …good grief. I can see exactly why the voting broke down that way.

Tim: Yes, it’s not hard to work out. Let’s ignore the rapping, because that’s not very good and is really just a bloke speaking quickly. I might appreciate it more if I could remember more German from school, but I can’t, and Google’s translation fails horribly on these lyrics. The rest, though: blimey. First, we have actual lederhosen.

Tom: Not the full traditional national dress, but somehow just the shorts makes it a bit worse.

Tim: Secondly, holy trinity of trumpet, trombone and tuba, which come into their own when it becomes apparent that what we initially thought would be a standard breakdown (albeit brassier than usual) turns into a completely different second half of the song.

Tom: You see, I associate a brass section with a full-on ska or punk band these days, so this just sounds a bit half-arsed to me – where are the raucous electric guitars?

Tim: Ska? Punk? Mate, this is meant to be stereotypical, racist-if-anyone-else-suggested-it traditional German stuff. Raucous electric guitars? What’s wrong with you?

Tom: No, I mean that’s what I expected – I’m not used to hearing brass as the lead. It just sounds half-finished to someone who’s used to hearing, well, something like this.

Tim: Ah, fair enough. But thirdly, finally, and most intriguingly, they’re not afraid to take on a challenge that no-one has ever thought to set: “What do you mean, you need a vocalist for a key change?”

Saturday Reject: Anina – The Young

“Loud and brash, with a big message that’ll turn off the old people.”

Tim: I said at the weekend that Norway’s final was somewhat disappointing; that’s true, but this, that got knocked out in heat 3, is an absolute cracker.

Tom: DRUMS.

Tim: Exactly. Cracker. There were a couple of times when I almost got turned off – the shouty opening, and the intro to the first chorus – but man, am glad I didn’t close that tab. Because as a pop song, that’s almost Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger material.

Tom: Now, that’s a bold claim. I reckon it’s got just as good a chorus as Stronger has – it’s just a shame about the intro into it and the rest of the verses. What’s with that ‘ooh’ part?

Tim: Well, alright, it’s not that good, but it is bloody impressive (and I quite like the ‘ooh’ part). It’s loud, brash and in your face, with a big message that’ll turn off the old people. It’s heavy on the instruments, and it’s got lights that seem bang on for the song. And most importantly, it’s brought by a singer who, while a tad shaky on the vocals when live, really does give it everything – so much that she seems to be on the verge of collapsing by the end of it. And that, I think, is a sign of a good song.

Tom: The studio version sells the song a lot better than her live performance – which perhaps means that it wasn’t the right choice for Eurovision. Cracking track, though.

B*Witched – Love And Money

There’s none of the playfulness.

Tom: B*Witched? You’re kidding me.

Tim: Absolutely not – obviously, you don’t take part in a big reunion TV show and go on its accompanying tour just to say goodbye again afterwards, so let’s have some proper new music, shall we?

Tim: And it is…entirely generic. It’s very good generic, mind – mild opening verse building into a hefty two-part chorus, good use of screaming for the title and a sensible break for the middle eight – but there’s none of the playfulness that has become regarded, for better or worse, as their trademark.

Tom: They were always seen as a bit of a novelty act for that reason. When “Some people say I look like me dad” is the rallying call for a retro-enthusiastic cheer on a cheesy dance floor, then I can understand them wanting to be a bit more respectable.

Tim: This could easily be by, say, Demi Lovato, or P!nk (especially with the bit in the chorus lifted from Blow Me (One Last Kiss)).

Tom: Yep, there’s even the cheering-sound-effect afterwards. But that said, “this could be by Demi Lovato” is a pretty good compliment.

Tim: It is – it’s very high praise indeed, but it’s still slightly disappointing for a B*Witched song. Great track, but with bad reasons for being so.

Tom: It’s not the Irish flutes and cheesy pop that some fans will have been hoping for… but then, it’s not the nineties any more.

Neo & Al Bano Carrisi – Swan Song (Non Lasciarmi Mai)

“It just started to fly”

Tim: This is the closing track off his (still brilliant) 2011 album, Reborn, sort of – it’s been re-recorded with some bits made Italian.

Tom: Quick warning: it’s an irritating generic fan-made stock-photo-video, so you might want to load this in a background tab and just listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5oMeqWBnRo

Tim: Quite something, isn’t it?

Tom: I wouldn’t have agreed with you until that chorus hit – and then it just, well, started to fly. Which is good for something called “Swan Song”, I suppose.

Tim: The original album version was big enough with the sweeping orchestration and just his voice, but the Italian operatic singing added on top makes for a (let’s face it) ridiculous pop song, with lyrics about angels flying by, and I think it’s brilliant.

Tom: It’s a hands-in-the-air track that, frankly, wouldn’t be out of place in the middle of the Eurovision table. That’s a compliment, by the way.

Tim: The only disappointing bit about it that it’s now that much harder to yell along stupidly to the chorus, but I’m happy to make that sacrifice, just about – the original is, after all, still there, but we now have this as well, and it many things to sell it by itself. Erm, bit muddled there, but good. Yes.

The Wanted – Walks Like Rihanna

It’s The Wanted’s best single yet! And the most lyrically awkward!

Tim: It’s The Wanted’s best single yet! And the most lyrically awkward!

Tom: So what, was “Moves like Rihanna” a bit too close to Maroon 5?

Tim: Musically, this is fantastic, and I genuinely think it has the potential to be the boyband track of the year.

Tom: Agreed.

Tim: Before we even get to the chorus, we’ve got decent verses that aren’t just filler and good fulfilling instrumentation. And then the chorus and post chorus, which is a fantastic hook, repetitive and memorable in a very good way.

Tom: Yep. There’s a reason that Simon Cowell called his reality show “The X Factor” – that indescribable something is very much in this track.

Tim: Lyrically, though, oh dear me. “She can’t sing, she can’t dance, but who cares? She walks like Rihanna.” My god, what a terrible, terrible chorus line that is.

Tom: And let’s be honest, “she’s the freakiest thing” in the first verse isn’t the greatest compliment in the world — but really, does Rihanna really walk in some special way?

Tim: I don’t think so, no, but there’s an alternative that came to me. Imagine, if you will, you’re a media company exec, and a songwriter has pitched you a track. It’s brilliant, and it’s very, very similar to this one. Except, unfortunately, it contains a really rather naughty word in the chorus.

Tom: Oh. Ohhhh. Right.

Tim: And that word gives you an image you’d rather not play out across your family-friendly radio station five times a day. So you want to change that word – not too much, as that might ruin the song a bit. So keep, say, the last couple of letters. The ‘ks’. Hey! “Walks”! That fits. That’ll do nicely. You’ve got a great track; even if the chorus words make no sense, the rest is still brilliant.

Tom: That fits far too well.

Tim: Now, OBVIOUSLY, I’m not saying that’s what happened – it may not even be remotely likely. But just imagine what that original line may have sounded like. And now enjoy hearing that every time you hear this song. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Armin van Buuren feat. Trevor Guthrie – This Is What It Feels Like

“I’m looking for a BANGING CHOON.”

Tom: He’s gone all commercial.

Tom: Okay, let’s get the video out of the way first: I must be getting old, because I was more interested in the Airstream trailer and Googie architecture than I was about the blatant pandering to teenage boys. Also, Armin van Buuren looks a bit he’s a Dutch version of Pat Sharp.

Tim: There, I must agree with you. You’re getting old.

Tom: This is the first single off the just-released new album, which is called “Intense”. Ironically, that’s something you can’t call this track: it’s no more intense trance than anything else in the pop charts. I know the lead single has to be mainstream, but blimey: this is taking it a bit far.

Tim: Really? What were you looking for?

Tom: From the first single of an Armin van Buuren album, in the lead-up to summer? I’m looking for a BANGING CHOON.

Tim: Well, alright, it’s not hugely intense, but it’s a perfectly good dance track. Nothing all that special, but following Chicane & Ferry Corsten, and Rivaz, that would take quite a bit. Really, what were you looking for?

Tom: A CHOON. Still, that’s what remixes are for, I suppose: and this’ll still get a cheer when he plays it on some vacation island this summer.

Swiss Lips – U Got The Power

“A vague impression of oversized trousers and neon colours.”

Tom: A video entirely made of 80s breakdance movie clips. It’s not bad, but it could distract from the track a bit.

Tom: It distracted me enough that, at the end of my first listen, I couldn’t think of much to say about the song. I couldn’t even remember it; I just got a vague impression of oversized trousers and neon colours.

Tim: It is distracting, you’re right, but not as distracting as what is really, really meant to follow that very first line. “If you’ve got the power, I’ve got the feeling” ah, we’re getting down tonight. One if you’re gonna, two if you wanna…just me?

Tom: Oh, blimey. No. Not just you. Not any more. That’s the song completely ruined, then – in that I can only hear the other, better track over the top of it.

Tim: YOU’RE WELCOME.

Tom: So anyway: listen number two. Just the audio this time. And… hmm. Well, it’s generic synthpop, and I’m still struggling to say anything about it.

Tim: Well, I’ll say that everything’s alright.

Tom: The chorus is good, I suppose? It seems to be about three and a half minutes of a moderately good track that goes in one ear and out of the other.

Tim: The chorus, yes, that’s not bad. Not hugely inspiring, not particularly novel, but not the most memorable part of the song either.

Tom: Am I being unfair here? There’s nothing actually wrong with it, I just find that it slips my brain straight away.

Tim: FIVE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALRIGHT.

Satin Circus – EMMA

“If you set out to make something sound like One Direction…”

Tim: Satin Circus is Finland’s latest boyband, and this is their debut single. Actually, they’re totally not a generic boyband because they write their own stuff and play instruments so THEY’RE AUTHENTIC, OKAY? THEY’RE NOT ONE DIRECTION.

Their music is a “unique mix of pop, rock and Beach Boys harmonies,” which means that the backing line to this definitely absolutely won’t sound very similar to that of What Makes You Beautiful.

Tom: And the chorus won’t sound anything like “Live Like We’re Young”, presumably?

Tim: Absolutely not. But I suppose, yes, it’s not really the same but it is vastly similar enough to make you think, “Actually, this’d be a really good One Direction track.”

Tom: It would. If you set out to make something sound like One Direction, but not so close as to get sued… well, you’d end up with something like this.

Tim: In a sense, I feel sorry for these guys, because it seems that any music group consisting of four or five sub-25 guys who are vaguely photogenic making pop music automatically get lumped as a boyband, with all the negative stereotypes that includes.

Tom: But if you’re going to set the opening shot of your video – of some vaguely photogenic sub-25 guys with floppy hair – on an American beach, and film it in highly-saturated colour… well, it makes the comparison a bit easier. Even if they didn’t set out to be One Direction… their management has certainly got dollar signs (or, rather, euro signs) in their eyes.

Tim: On the other hand, the only people who really associate boybands with negative stereotypes are people who know for certain that all pop music is bad, so they don’t really deserve to be listened to, so if any band does care what those type of people think then they don’t deserve to be felt sorry for. And I’m fairly sure that sentence made sense, and there was semi-serious point at the beginning of that, I think.

Tom: Well done, Tim.

Tim: Anyway, whoever’s written this*, it’s good standard boyband pop music (albeit a tad derivative, and certainly not unique), the album will probably be worth at least a couple of listens, and finally it’s worth noting that it’s fortunate for the chorus that EMMA isn’t actually called ELIZABETH.

* There’s actually a sensible discussion to be had regarding whether writing your own stuff is good, bad or not remotely important, to which my first line is generally, “You don’t expect actors to write their own films.”