A Great Big World – I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

“How beautifully upbeat.” “And how bloody annoying.”

Tom: Previously: Fountains of Wayne wanting an alien for Christmas. This has got a lot to live up to.

Tim: And I think you may be surprised. Quick explaining, though: as it turns out, there’s a reason I hadn’t heard of basically any of the songs on that compilation CD; namely, they’re all shit, or at the very least rather tedious. This, though, is not tedious, especially considering how you said yesterday you’re in favour of upbeat tracks.

Tim: And how beautifully upbeat that is.

Tom: And how bloody annoying.

Tim: What? It’s demanding, I suppose, because there aren’t many families that could have a hippo join them, even if it is just for Christmas (and especially given that they’re vegetarian). But still, the run-up to Christmas is when you’re allowed to be incredibly demanding and unreasonable, as long as you accept that with that comes an inevitable feeling of disappointment on the day itself. Or not, or course – maybe you will get a hippopotamus, in which case WELL DONE YOU for dreaming big. And I’ll have that dog if you’re otherwise just going to throw it out.

I’ve got distracted. Fun track, that’s what’s important.

Tom: You’re wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s like a half-assed They Might Be Giants, only not nearly as clever. I know, I know, I asked for upbeat, but this might as well be sung by a kids’ choir.

Tim: I suppose it could have that ring it. And I love it. Well done everyone.

Tom: Now leave.

Tim: Shan’t.

Christmas Flashback: ‘N Sync – I Don’t Wanna Spend One More Chistmas Without You

“A bit slower than it could be.”

Tim: In case you thought I wasn’t being entirely serious on Saturday when I suggested exploring a compilation of basically non-entities as far as Christmas tracks go: of course I wasn’t. A serious person wouldn’t dream of doing something so utterly risible.

Tim: But when some of the tracks are of this calibre, only a fool would pass up the idea. This one doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page, so fortunately I can’t bore everybody again with chart statistics, but I’d rate it quite a bit higher that Britney’s offering, and not just for that key change.

Tom: See, I’m in favour of more uptempo Christmas tracks — dare I say, “jolly” Christmas tracks? It takes a Stay Another Day-quality ballad to pique my interest, whereas if you just stick a four-on-the-floor sleigh bell in there I’ll probably at least listen.

Tim: It does, on the other hand, probably go quite a bit slower than it could do, because while it’s obviously it’s a ballad it doesn’t really need to be a ballad that might keep time for a funeral procession.

Tom: Right! That’s exactly my problem with it.

Tim: But that aside, I like it, with it’s High School Musical style – not even the utterly nonsensical fan-made lyric video (if it actually counts as such) can make me dislike it too much.

Saturday Flashback: Britney Spears – My Only Wish (This Year)

“Like all the clichés got mixed together.”

Tim: Of course Britney’s done a Christmas track. Way back at the start of her career, her label thought it’d be a good idea. Upsettingly there’s no video for it, but let’s have a listen…

Tom: Wow, they pushed the Christmas dial up to maximum on that from the very start, didn’t they?

Tim: They certainly did, and, while I’ve certainly heard worse, that’s a good minute and a half longer than it needs to be.

Tom: It’s like all the Britney and Christmas song clichés got mixed together. There’s even a “bay-beh, bay-beh” in there.

Tim: It is early Britney, recognisably so, and it pains me to say it’s not done all that brilliantly. It didn’t chart anywhere for the first eight years of it’s existence, and when it finally got going in 2008 it got to 34 in Denmark and 41 in Sweden. It finally hit the big time in America in 2011, sort of, climbing to the heady heights of 49 on the Holiday Charts, and the highest it’s ever climbed was 24, in, erm, South Korea.

Tom: That’s a resounding “meh” if ever I heard one, particularly for an artist of that scale.

Tim: So yes. Entirely generic Christmas muzak, really, which no-one would ever really choose to buy but might just make it onto the occasional compilation. Eight of them, in this case.

Finally, speaking of compilations, there are a lot of Christmas ones out there, but I don’t think I’ve every come across one where I didn’t know a single song. Until this one. And since there’s not a lot on right now, shall we explore it? Yes. YES WE BLOODY WELL SHALL.

Tom: Oh dear. Brace yourself, reader.

Eurotix – He’ll Be Home For Christmas

“Oh, that intro got me RIGHT EXCITED.”

Tom: We’ve covered this Swedish Italo-disco project a couple of times before, generally because they email us their songs, which is always nice.

Previously, we’ve said: their videos are dodgy, their sound is good, but they tend to go on a bit longer than they need to. Well, BRACE YOURSELF…

Tim: Ooh?

Tom: …because NOTHING HAS CHANGED:

Tim: Oh.

Tim: Oh, that intro got me RIGHT EXCITED.

Tom: Sometimes, it’s okay to just put some snow and some tastefully-kerned words on screen. This is one of those times. I feel a little guilty saying that, since it’s the video editor that sent this in to us — but it’s the kind of video that inspires a “mate, maybe not?” reaction.

Tim: I pushed play and switched to a different tab; on reading that I switched back and saw the blue wonky-eyed reindeer spinning through space. Fairly sure the people in the next building heard my laugh. I LOVE IT. My reaction is “mate, DEFINITELY,” although admittedly the relationship being represented by various penguin images doesn’t make much sense.

Tom: As for the music: they’ve reached into the Big Bag of Christmas Europop Clichés, picked out as many things as could fit in their hands, and bunged them all into a track. The result is surprisingly good, actually.

Tim: It’s very, very good. I’m trying not to giggle at “Now he’s on his way to me/in time to trim my Christmas tree,” because it probably isn’t meant as an innuendo, but I think we’ve found my level of maturity.

Tom: Sure, we’ve heard everything here before, but I can see this padding out one of those bulging 4-CD “Complete Christmas” compilations. It’s not a classic, but it’s… well, it’s nice. And it could be so much worse.

Tim: That’s an interesting album – the sort of one where you can listen to thirty seconds of each track and enjoy it, but then desperately need to skip to the next one. If you’re browsing Spotify for Christmas re-interpretations, though, have The Green Days of Christmas.

Hanne Sørvaag – Oh, December

“She doesn’t even have a cat to talk to.”

Tim: Remember I Should Have Followed You Home? And how I reckoned it was an upsetting and enormous waste of a potentially lovely narrative?

Tom: Oh heavens, yes. It was terrible. Is this… is this the same?

Tim: Well…

Tim: Yes, yes it is. It’s a sad song. A sad, really very sad, song, with some of the most depressing lyrics I’ve heard in a long time. “Oh, December, why am I so lonely?” She doesn’t even have a cat to talk to and ask about her loneliness, stuck instead singing at her calendar.

Tom: It’s odd, because the music could fit an optimistic track very well: it’s like we’re constantly stuck in the first verse.

Tim: Almost, yes, but except. Except. There’s the line “can you tell me it’s going to be alright”. Because that’s gives hope. Not much, admittedly, but there’s hope.

Tom: And I’m guessing you know how to fix it?

Tim: Well, duh. Here’s how I see it could have played, in the video: rather than sitting at a piano being lonely, and having absolutely nothing in her life, give her a backstory, something we can care about. A former lover. A soldier, to be precise, and she’s just found out he’s missing, and isn’t likely to come home. The first two verses make more sense – we know why she’s sad, we care for her, we share her grief. But then comes the middle eight. And some twinkly noises. And some feet walking through the snow. And a key change, and some slightly altered lyrics. AND THEN SHE SEES HIM AND IT’S A PERFECT CHRISTMAS BECAUSE THAT SORT OF THING HAPPENS AT CHRISTMAS AND WE CAN REVEL IN THE SHEER UNADULTERATED JOY OF IT ALL.

Tom: Right.

Tim: That’s what I want. Not this. Because even I Should Have Followed You Home is happier than this.

Vengaboys – Where Did My Xmas Tree Go?

“I… oh dear.”

Tim: Before you play this, Tom, I want to break some upsetting news to you gently, because it’s mentioned in the song but hearing it that way disturbed me somewhat.

The thing is…well, it’s Uncle John from Jamaica. He’s…I’m just going to say it, he’s passed away, and he won’t be with us this Christmas.

Tom: Well, if I’m honest, I’m a little relieved. It does explain why he finally stopped calling every damn day.

Tm: Oh, did he keep doing that? I just changed my number after a while. Hopefully, though, we can enjoy this new track regardless (and despite the horribly disturbing cat thing in the video).

Tom: I… oh dear. I have mixed feelings about that.

Tim: Yeeeahh… It’s their first original track since 2010’s Rocket to Uranus, and how have we developed? Well, we haven’t really, although we have ditched the innuendo obsession.

Tom: Mm. See, there are moments of proper 90s Vengaboys joy in here: if we ignore the lyrics, then the instrumentation in that first verse and chorus, after the damn sleigh bells leave, is actually really nice. And, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a sucker for a well-placed “heeeeey” sample.

Tim: Back with the faux-Jamaican voices, though I suppose that does at least provide a semblance of continuity in the Vengaverse (though if we’re doing that, we should probably try to discover how they got back from Uranus).

Tom: I can’t get behind that accent. If Mike Read can’t get away with singing in a faux-Jamaican accent, I’m fairly sure the Vengaboys can’t either.

Tim: It’s…oh, thing is, I’m trying to come up with something nice to say about it but I don’t really know why. It’s terrible. I didn’t mind it so much when I first heard it, but throughout writing this and trying to think of stuff to put I’ve listened to it a number of times, and now I really don’t like it at all, and I can’t think of anything positive at all, not least because of that cat. But maybe you’ll have a different opinion.

Tom: No, it’s much the same for me: there’s moments of joy in there, but in the end it’s just a horrible cash-in Christmas track. Ah well.

Tim: As a post script, though: it’s not all bad news. It’s actually the lead track off a Christmas EP which is primarily remixes. I say remixes; they’ve largely just put sleigh bells on top of every single beat, with a few Santa samples in there, but it’s a nice excuse to hear their hits all Christmassed up. Also, some decent festive DJ puns – Merry Corsten, Treësto, Carol Cox, Armin van Blizzard, you get the idea. Some redemption.

Shirley Clamp – En Afton i December

Tim: This year’s the tenth anniversary of Do They Know It’s Christmas?, and—

Tom: Oh heavens, she brought out her dance remix the same year as Band Aid 20? Bloody hell. What’ve we got now?

Tim: Well I was just about to tell you, actually – Shirley’s bringing out another Christmas track to keep us entertained. It’s not quite the massive party anthem that Do They Know It’s Christmas? is, but this is An Evening in December.

Tim: And that’s quite pretty, isn’t it? Conjuring pleasant images of sitting around a fireplace, playing charades or arguing over Monopoly.

Tom: It is, and I suppose that’s a perfectly valid choice for a Christmas track, but I can’t help wanting something more out of it.

Tim: I don’t know, I like it as a ballad. I say ic conjures nice images, mind, but I’m not sure what the rest of the lyrics are all about, so it might be about how terrible splitting up is around Christmastime; I do hope not, though.

Tom: Top quality Christmas music journalism right here, folks.

Tim: Well, it’s not on any lyrics sites, and Duolingo don’t do Swedish yet, so what am I meant to do? But we’re getting distracted. This is really just a lovely Christmassy ballad, climaxing in a lovely final chorus. Top work Shirley.

Kelly Clarkson – Wrapped in Red

“If Christmas isn’t a good time to declare your feelings, when is?”

Tim: It’s DECEMBER! So it’s CHRISTMAS!

Tom: Oh heavens. It’s time for the annual run-down of dodgy Christmas songs, is it?

Tim: Dodgy!? How RUDE. But yes, let’s have a week of the tracks we’ve missed so far, and you may recall last year Kelly brought out a Christmas album; this here’s the title track from it, now with a video.

Tom: Same album, new packaging. It’s like regifting.

Tim: In times of festivities and partyness it’s bit more restrained than Underneath the Tree, last year’s lead track from it, but that’s about it in terms of criticism: other than that, it’s a big emotional ballad about how, if Christmas isn’t a good time to declare your feelings, when is?

Tom: And it’s a really bloody good ballad as well. Kelly Clarkson is a big enough star that she can get her choice of big songs like this: it’s a brilliant track, and matched perfectly with her voice.

Tim: Exactly. So let’s all go out there, talk to our desired ones and damn the potential negative outcomes. Oh, and let’s be ridiculously over the top while we’re at it, shall we? That’s what it’s all about, after all.

Christmas Flashback: Jose Feliciano – Feliz Navidad

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Tim: This is a song from 1970 that’s big in a LOT of countries, and a whole load of people such as Boney M, Michael Bublé and Artie off Glee have covered it, but somehow it’s never taken off in the UK. That’s a shame, because it’s brilliant (as is this accompanying home-made video).

Tom: Another animated GIFtacular. I’ll put it in a background tab. Fortunately, I know the song well already: I heard it years ago when I was in the US, and it’s always stuck with me.

Tim: It’s basically a fifty second song repeated way too many times, but I don’t care. You can count the lyric lines on the fingers of one hand, but I don’t care.

Tom: Indeed, which may be why it’s stuck with me.

Tim: I don’t care, because the lyrics, and the song, say everything there is to say right now. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Tom: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Asher Monroe – Christmas Is Here To Stay

Well, that is one sparkly video.

Tim: Right, I’m sorry that yesterday’s track entirely spoiled your festive spirit; let me make it up to you with this.

Tom: Well, that is one sparkly video. Not many men can pull off a sequinned jacket, but he manages it. Shame aside from the product placement, which is a bit odd: just stick the logo on the drum, it’ll do.

Tim: Yeah – it’s also very much a “look what I can do!” video, which a lot of the time I’d find annoying. But WELL DONE YOU, have an extra present.

Tom: He is managing to be utterly unconvincing on every one of those instruments, though.

Tim: Good point, I’ll take my present back. He’ll just have to stick with the crateloads of Neuro he’s probably already got.

Tom: As for the music…

Tim: Isn’t it just lovely? Slightly understated, you might say, as there’s no moment when it all kicks off and goes full jingle-tastic, but the chorus sounds wonderful with all the brass. What I particularly like is that pretty much every lyric has its own bit of Christmas, be it Christmas lights, mistletoe, tree or just Christmas singing, and you’re left with a feeling that he’s basically gone through all of Christmas and picked out as much as he can – hell, he’s even finished it off with a load of fa-la-las (which, fortunately, stop before they generate Hey Jude-level amounts of annoyance).

Tom: Agreed. It’s no full-on Darlene Love spectacular, but it’s a perfectly pleasant Christmassy song. Yes, that’ll do nicely.

Tim: Basically, this is Christmas all wrapped up for you, and I sincerely hope this improves your festivity levels.

Tom: It does. Merry Christmas, Tim.