Category: Europop

Coco – Watch Your Bitch

“WOOP WOOP WOOP THAT’S THE SOUND OF TIM IN A HOLE.”

Tim: It probably goes without saying, but this song contains language that delicate readers may find offensive.

Tom: For several different reasons, I’ll bet. You know what? I think you’re going to dig yourself into a hole at some point during this review. When you do, you’ll hear the screeching alarm of my patent-pending “Tim Digging Himself Into A Hole Alarm”.

Tim: Now, the message of this song is slightly odd. Because on one side, there’s the “watch your bitch” – abusive language, telling him to be careful – indicating she’d like to get with him, as it were. On the other side, there’s the main reason given – “she knows she can do better” – i.e. you’re ugly, and that’s hardly the best way to get into a guy’s pants.

Tom: Hmm. Bit of a bleeping here, like you’re working your way down a line of argument that’s not quite right.

Tim: Reading further into it, the real message of the song is “I’m not as fit as that cow you’re dating, so you should get with me instead.”

Tom: Fairly loud buzzing noise now. I think you’ve mistaken the “she can do better” as being about–

Tim: Excuse me, still talking here.

Now, it’s been a while since I had any sort of relationship, so I may be out of the loop a bit —

Tom: The bleeper went quiet. In sympathy, I think.

Tim: — but I’m fairly sure that’s not really the sort of line that would make me ditch my girlfriend. Because if I’ve got a good looking lady, I’m not going to chuck her for a rude minger. Jog on, lady.

Tom: WOOP WOOP WOOP THAT’S THE SOUND OF TIM IN A HOLE. Listen to those lyrics again.

Tim: Ah. Right, so it turns out that the verses make it clear that it is in fact she who is the bitch she’s singing about, and it’s just a warning to be a better boyfriend. Oh, sod it, I’ve written it now, so let’s ignore those bits.

Tom: Not a bad track, though. Anyway, the Tim Digging Himself Into A Hole Alarm is available for iPhone and iPad, 69p from the App Store.

Tim: It would go off at least two or three times a day, though, so proceed with caution.

H.E.A.T. – Living On The Run

Oh my WORD that’s very 80s.

Tim: Lots of people (by which I mean people who take the world seriously) are talking about a double-dip recession at the moment, and what it means for the future of the economy. Let’s talk a double-dip middle eight, and what that might mean for the future of rock music.

Tom: Oh bloody hell, is this your attempt at economics humour?

Tim: Well, it’s topical, you see.

Tom: Oh my WORD that’s very 80s. If it wasn’t blatantly filmed on a Canon 5D, I’d say it was about thirty years older than it is.

Tim: Structure seems fine to start with – verse, chorus, verse, chorus, a singing middle eight, then quickly up for some faint singing to take us into the final chorus. Except NO! That’s NOT what happens. This is CRAZY. Because then there’s a whole load of guitar strumming going on, and basic song structure as we know it falls to pieces.

Tom: I don’t give a damn about that. Why? Because this song isn’t just an 80s power ballad, it’s a good 80s power ballad. Who cares about song structure? LET’S ROCK!

Tim: Well, alright. I am perhaps being a teeny bit dramatic here, especially since rock music has never been too bothered with bog standard textbook structure, but it’s an interesting talking point and I’m in the mood for music like this.

Tom: I’m not sure what you’re complaining about, really: it’s just got a middle eight and – I’m going to use the technical term here – a bitchin’ guitar solo before the final chorus and fade out. 80s, remember?

Tim: Oh, I’m not complaining at all – that solo is, indeed, bitchin’.

This is a long song (although not so long that the video justifies having a full 30 seconds of credits), and the fade out’s far too drawn out, not that it should ever be there in the first place, but sometimes I just want to be loud and dramatic and this fits the bill perfectly.

Tom: Music videos never used to have credits. I’m not sure why they’ve started. Good video, though.

Tim: Filmed during a three-day party in the largest hotel suite in Scandinavia, would you believe it.

Tom: I’d have liked to be at that party. I’m not sure this song would have gotten old, even after three days.

Laleh – Vårens Förster Dag

Let’s watch some kids have fun

Tim: Was there ever an internet meme called ‘Mystic Pony’, or something similar? Because the first three shots of this brought that straight to my mind and it seems a bit odd.

Tom: Charlie the Unicorn? Can’t stand it myself, but that seems the obvious connection. Or Robot Unicorn Attack, which is in the running for “best Flash game ever made”.

Tim: No, neither of them. Oh well, let’s watch some kids have fun on ‘Spring’s First Day’, as the title translates to.

Tim: Right, so once I’d got mystic ponies out of my head that rolling guitar bit came in and I suddenly got excited because it brought a wonderful sensation of ‘something brilliant will soon happen’. And bloody hell, yes it did.

Tom: I’ll agree with that: it’s a fun song, and by the time the second or third chorus rolled around I found myself tapping my foot along. It’s happy and positive and lovely, even if I don’t understand the lyrics.

Tim: Also, and I know you’re a grumpy bastard who doesn’t like kids’ choirs and stuff, but surely even you can’t deny that this video is just utterly lovely. Kids running wild in the woods, dressed up in costumes, with one playing a french horn that is at least 50% too big for him to be able to sensibly handle – it’s all wonderful.

Tom: The song’s lovely. The video… well, the singer’s nice, but the rest just left me a bit cold. But I’m willing to accept that’s a shortcoming of my own brain.

Tim: Could it end at the quiet bit around 3:30 with no-one complaining? Yes. But does the extra minute seem like it’s dragging on? No, not at all. Because this song is, like I said, LOVELY. It’s puts me in the same mindset as the video for Magic did, and that’s high praise indeed.

Бурановские Бабушки – Party For Everybody

I shouldn’t be grinning, but I am.

Tim: So, Russia’s entry, with the performers alternatively spelled Buranovskie Babushki. A quick introduction may be in order, or not actually, as it may spoil it.

Tom: Oh wow.

Tim: My first thoughts? “These old ladies are weird – maybe it’s some sort of concept intro where they’re all the main act’s surviving octogenarian ancestors or somethOH MY GOD THEY’RE THE ACTUAL ACT.”

Tom: I… I shouldn’t be grinning, but I am. It’s brilliant. I almost wish I hadn’t been spoiled for this one, because anyone who isn’t expecting it is going to be wonderfully surprised.

Tim: There are several lovely parts in this performance – the way they keep looking around at each other to check no-one’s collapsed, the bit in the middle eight when they start to advance on the audience not unlike a zombie army and the front row sink back into their seats, though in general it’s just the sight of six old biddies telling us to ‘come on and boom boom.’

Tom: Could do with a key change – that’s not me being facetious, it’s just that the joke does get rather old after two minutes. Lithuania’s We Are The Winners was shorter than regulation and much better for it.

Tim: You’re not wrong there – they could lose a chorus or two somewhere in the middle and no-one would mind too much.

My favourite sight of all, though, is I think the judges’ faces – the one on the left at 1:54ish as he struggles to come to terms with what is actually unfolding before his eyes, and the one at 2:20 when he starts to think they’re closing in on him.

Tom: It’s wonderful. I reckon this could pull a Lordi.

Tim: That could happen – I think it’ll either be that, or a total catastrophe, on a par with Cry Baby, Dustin the Turkey, or aforementioned We Are The Winners. But my money’s on your theory.

Tom: The UK is going to give them at least seven points. The question is whether anyone else will.

Saturday Reject: Yulia Volkova & Dima Bilan – Back To Her Future

A bloke and a bird singing romantic guff.

Tom: A second one from Russia? I hope it’s more exciting than your last choice.

Tim: Her: best known for being the one on the left in t.A.T.u. up until about a year ago.

Tom: The redhead or the… nope. The other one. Okay.

Tim: Him: best known for winning Eurovision 2008 with the rather maligned Believe. As a pair: currently known for coming second in Russia’s selection contest.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCMQZRELgxY

Tom: Oh blimey. It’s not more exciting than your last choice?

Tim: Well, a bloke and a bird singing romantic guff worked for Azerbaijan last year – maybe it’ll work for Russia this year, is presumably what the writers thought.

Tom: I do hope Europe comes out of this love affair with romantic dirges soon, because my word twenty-five tracks like this would make for a dull Eurovision.

Tim: Well, you might be in luck as the voters chose something a bit different, but I’ve mentioned that before so I won’t dwell, aside from pointing out that ‘why didn’t it win?’ is not a sensible place to go.

Tom: Well, I’m looking forward to whatever Russia’s actual entry is. I try to avoid spoilers for Eurovision (I know, that’s a stupid idea, but I stick to it), but it has better be worth all the hype you’re putting into it.

Tim: Well, let’s do it some time this week and you can see. But this one – what’s it like as a song? Well, call me a traditionalist, but a guy and a girl singing together about an unnamed ‘her’ who’s out of his/her life comes across as a bit odd – a tri-amorous relationship, perhaps? Yes, Yulia gets half a verse where she shifts it to him, but that almost makes it stranger still, because now there’s a fourth person involved and its OH SO CONFUSING.

Music’s nice, though.

Tom: Speak for yourself.

Awake – Lights On

I could listen to that melody for quite some time without complaining.

Tim: So, here’s a debut single from a couple of Swedish folk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=dSO9NQ1YDFo

Tim: This one’s interesting, as far as I’m concerned. It starts of slow, a vocal builds up nicely, and then at 1:14 the beat drops in and it all gets going nicely. Very nicely, in fact, and I could listen to that melody for quite some time without complaining.

Tom: Ooh, that has a Proper Drop. Late enough to be needed, early enough not to get boring.

Tim: Except then, a minute later, it all gets going again with a much more emphasised vocal and it goes from ‘nicely’ to ‘very well indeed’, I think.

Tom: Agreed. I don’t think we’ve ever had a track on here that even tries to pull that off, let alone do it successfully. It does mean there’s no real middle-eight, but I can live with that.

Tim: Not sure what the ending’s all about, though, but if it happens to be an extract from their next track (this one’s out next month, by the way) then I’m looking forward to that as well.

Saturday Reject: Reidun Sæther – High On Love

LOOK AT THIS THIS IS WHEN YOU GET EXCITED YOU MUST EXPLODE WITH JOY

Tim: You’ve been to Norway, Tom – tell me, do they have a problem recognising key changes?

Tom: Not in my experience, but then my one time in a late-night club there mostly included regular US and British pop music, sadly.

Tim: Oh, shame. Well, anyway, we all know that excessive stage effects at the key change are nothing new in Eurovision (I love that one so much, I really do), but the multitude of massive spark fountains we have here seems to be saying “LOOK AT THIS THIS IS WHEN YOU GET EXCITED YOU MUST EXPLODE WITH JOY”. In fairness, it works—

Tom: Do you need a moment to clean up?

Tim: No, I pretty much contained myself—and adds even more to what is already a beauty of a key change.

Tom: It’s telegraphed way in advance, it’s got the proper ramp-up… but is it me, or does she miss that first note? That’s the trouble with carrying a key change just on voice.

Tim: Hmm – not quite sure. Having spent five minutes comparing this and the studio version, I can confidently state that there is a *very slight* difference – whether that counts as missing it entirely would be a judgment call. Still, it’s a cracking tune, and let’s be honest – it has everything a good piece of Eurovision pop should have, including lots of lengthy vocal howling (can’t think of a better word right now), a decent beat throughout, the aforementioned key change and spark fountain and fantastic use of the wind machine. I think in a general year, it could have worked, though to be honest I wouldn’t want to go head to head with Russia’s grannies with this.

Tom: I honestly think the grannies could take it.

Blim – Scream

It’s time for some regular modern pop, and within five seconds you’ll be right back home.

Tim: After Monday’s schlager throwback and yesterday’s dreamy thing, do you think it’s time for some regular modern pop? Because I do, and within five seconds of this starting you’ll be right back home.

Tim: Quick intro: a duo comprising Rebecca Rosier (British) and Denmark Davis (um, Swedish). It’s been around a month or so, but annoyingly I kept forgetting about it until it was released last week. I think it’s pretty good – what do you think?

Tom: This isn’t dubstep – not by a long way – but it’s another sign of the genre’s steady encroachment into the mainstream. That slightly-late drop that appears at 0:39 is straight from the dubstep playbook; the beat in the background of the chorus is only really kicking in half as often as it “should” in a pop song.

Tim: Hmm – I’d just heard that as a big drumbeat, but you’re right. Subtle, and I actually like it a lot.

Tom: It’s how it always goes: “what’s this noise?” “actually, that track’s okay”, “oh wow, it’s everywhere”. The next step, “that’s horribly played out”, is due in a few months’ time. Also: this track’s a rare example of the middle eight being carried just by the vocal: there’s no great instrumental difference between it and the final chorus. It’s something that works very well – as, indeed, does the whole song. It’s not a BIG ANTHEM CHOON that’s going to knock all the clubs out this summer – but it’s not meant to be. It’s a decent modern pop song, and I like it.

Tim: Excellent – we’re in agreement.

Little Jinder – Parked My Heart

I was trying to stop myself falling asleep.

Tim: The problem with SoundCloud is that occasionally the waveforms it presents bear little to no resemblance to the actual song.

Tom: That is an obscure complaint to make.

Tim: Take this, for example.

Tom: That looks like “long intro, BOOM, quiet bit, key change.” I’m guessing it’s not?

Tim: Well, let’s have a listen.

Tim: Up to about a minute in, I was trying to stop myself falling asleep, with the assumption that at that point, a big beat was going to drop and the song wouldn’t be quite so dull. Obviously it didn’t, and in fact carried on pretty much exactly the same. But never mind, I thought, because something’s bound to happen at two minutes, surely. It must do, no? Er, no. Actually, no. It is just this throughout.

Tom: Disappointing.

Tim: BUT, I then realised that while I’d been focussing on what I assumed the song would become, I’d entirely missed out on what the song actually was, which is a rather mellow piece of… actually I have no idea how to place this, genre-ifically.

Tom: Okay, first of all, that’s not a word.

Tim: Erm, it totes is, actually.

Tom: I actually let out a noise something akin to “gnnnnnnnnng” when I read that. Just so you know. And secondly: well, yeah, you’re right. It’s not the type of music we normally cover, and to be honest it’s not to my taste. It’s… pleasant enough, I suppose?

Tim: Well, it’s nice. It’s gentle, it’s charming and if I were feeling poetical and a bit over the top I might even say beautiful, and it’s a light soundtrack to a summery morning lying in a park. Next to her heart, presumably.

Tom: That just makes me wonder where the rest of her is.

Wizex – Simsalabim

Dansband. As schlager is it comes.

Tim: Instrumentally, this is dansband. In every other respect possible, though, this is as schlager is it comes.

Tom: I’m probably going to like this, then.

Tim: I mean just listen to it – it’s ridiculous. From the time it goes quiet in preparation for the closing bit, you’re just waiting for the key change, because you know without a shadow of a doubt that it’ll be there.

Tom: It’s wonderful. That second key change actually made me wince. Give it an electronic drum kit and up the tempo a bit, and you’ve got yourself a Swedish Eurovision entry – but I think that’d take away from it.

Tim: To be honest, it’d probably be easy to criticise this song—clichés all over the place, repetitive and familiar chord structures, and I’d be willing to bet that the lyrics don’t comprise a philosophical masterpiece—but dammit, I just can’t. Because, for all those reasons, it’s great.