Mainstream – Page 71

Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa – Payphone

Adam Levine sounds increasingly like a parody of himself.

Tom: It’s time for a stupidly high-budget video disrupted by sound effects!

Tim: That is BRILLIANT.

Tom: In fact, it’s so distracting that I’m going to put an unofficial lyric video in here, and we can work from that instead.

Tim: Oh, fine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uTF9Z6cjb4

Tom: Adam Levine sounds increasingly like a parody of himself; there’s a fine line between “recognisable voice” and “Kermit the Frog”. Still, he hasn’t crossed it yet, and when the chorus is this good I think we can forgive occasional bits of nasality. And the usual one or two swear words – just enough to create an “explicit” version to seem edgy, but not so much that they have to censor every other word.

Tim: Indeed – edgy is cool, whereas Kid Cudi just sounds like he’s got a particularly bad stutter.

Tom: Oh wait! It’s time for a rap bit that announces itself with a good bit of profanity.

Tim: Hooray!

Tom: It’s not as bad as it could be, though; Wiz Khalifa’s always had a more laid-back flow that fits into a pop record. Here’s my general rule for rap middle eights in 2012: “it could be worse; it could be Pitbull.”

Tim: That’s true. It also doesn’t last particularly long, which is nice. Actually, strike that—it does, but I was too engrossed in that first video to notice it. Oh well.

Tom: Good song though.

Tim: Indeed, and we must ensure that it gets top 10, so that Radio 1 are either broadcasting explosions over the airwaves or the official expletive-filled lyric video over the internet.

Years Away – Starting a Fire

That is beautiful. (With bonus Doctor Who music digression!)

Tim: Band who appeared suddenly on Facebook about a fortnight ago, bringing with them pages on Tumblr, YouTube, SoundCloud and probably just about every other site in existence.

Tom: Now there’s a Doctor Who plot waiting to happen.

Tim: Ah, but how many Doctor Who stories come with two songs, with this being one of them?

Tom: Well, there are at least two Doctor Who songs, but I wouldn’t look at either unless you value your sanity. First, there’s Jon Pertwee’s bizarre “I Am The Doctor“, and then there’s Ian Levine’s stunning, cringe-inducing, disaster “Doctor in Distress“. If the name Ian Levine sounds familiar… he was behind INJU5TICE.

Tim: That answer is vastly longer and more informative than I was expecting, so well done, but I really think it’s time we moved on to the music. Yes?

Tom: That is beautiful.

Tim: Indeed. There’s often a fine line between ‘melancholy’ and ‘dull’, and occasionally, a song comes along that manages to traverse that line as it runs its course. Today seems to be one of those occasions.

Tom: Ooh, now this is where we have a difference of opinion. It could fall into melancholy, sure, but it doesn’t seem that way for me at all. Adjectives like “powerful” and “uplifting” come to mind for me.

Tim: Towards the end, sure, but it takes a while to get there. When I first heard this for the first two minutes I was getting slowly and slowly less interested, but when 1:56 hit I was all sorts of ooh, this is actually alright.

Tom: The other trouble with that chorus is that I keep expecting the second line to be “Twisted firestarter”, which was a bit distracting.

Tim: Sure, the verse after that could still do with livening up a tad, but when that chorus hits again you’re all “oh, this is why I liked it,” and it’s at that point that it springs into life properly. You’ve also got some lovely instrumental bits following each chorus, and when you realise that that’s where the song’s closing you actually feel a bit disappointed, if only because it’s only just got going properly. More please.

Tom: Agreed.

Kelly Clarkson – Dark Side

“Not as good as Stronger”.

Tom: I can sum this up in five words: “not as good as Stronger”.

Tim: Agreed.

Tom: Which is a shame, because I want to like this song – and not just because I like Kelly Clarkson. It’s got a cracking chorus when it kicks in, but it’s spoiled by a few things. The calmer “will you love me / even with my dark side” bit just seems out of place, and the video just seems melodramatic and fake.

Tim: It me, it seems…a bit dull. Yes, it gets going towards the end, but since you opened this review comparing it to Stronger I now want something as big as that was. It’s YOUR FAULT I’m disappointed, Tom Scott. YOUR FAULT.

Tom: Pink does this kind of song and video very well: the “people aren’t ideal, but try to cope with them” track that’s got an emotional punch that’ll make teenage girls cry. And this track is trying so hard – too hard – to be that. But on the back of Stronger, it just seems like a poor imitation.

Tim: You’re MAKING IT WORSE.

Chris Kamara feat. Joe Public Utd – Sing 4 England

England has a long history of good football songs.

Tom: England has a long history of good football songs.

Tim: Go on then. Display your encyclopaedic knowledge.

Tom: Three Lions is the canonical one, although I’d say it’s beaten out by Vindaloo: the latter can be chanted better, didn’t come back for two extra cash-in attempts, and has a much better video – one which, most importantly, features Ed Tudor-Pole waltzing through it for no good reason. That’s before we even mention All Together Now (re-released in 2004), Back Home (1970 and sung by the team themselves, but still counts), or Carnaval de Paris. Yep, Dario G is English.

Tim: Great. So we’ve got another good one coming coming up?

Tom: Well, not quite. You know what England has a much longer history of? Dodgy football songs.

Tim: Oh.

Tom: To wit:

Tom: Chris Kamara is well known to football fans for being the comedy one out of the Sky Sports commentators. (That clip will explain the “missed red cards” references throughout the video.) Actually, let’s be fair. he does have a good set of pipes on him. And there have been much worse charity singles, and much worse football songs, than this.

Tim: True; there have been many better ones as well, as you just demonstrated. It’s…oh, it’s not terrible, I suppose, although the turning ‘England’ into ‘Engaland’ always gets me for some reason.

Tom: Wait, “gets you” in a good way or a bad way?

Tim: Oh, a bad way. A very very bad way.

Tom: It’s trying to be a bit 70s pub-rock, and it’s not doing badly. It’s a bit low-budget, but it’s competently produced, and while it won’t be going on my playlist I’ve got to give it the benefit of the doubt.

Tim: What? No you don’t. Not at all. If we can slag off the Children in Need single, we can certainly review this one honestly. Face it: it’s a bit crap. Not awful, especially as most football tunes go, but still beyond doubt.

Tom: What it’s missing is something that can be sung from the terraces. I don’t reckon that “na, na na na na na” is going to cut it: it’s difficult to come up with something catchy enough in the first place. Still: it’s a long way from being Gazza rapping.

Gary Barlow & The Commonwealth Band feat. Military Wives – Sing

“…like some kind of beardy musical messiah”

Tom: Right, brace yourself, Tim. It’s Summer Charity Songs today and tomorrow.

Tim: Oh, really?

Tom: We start with this one, for the Jubilee.

Tim: Well, it would take a special kind of person who negatively reviews that, so I won’t be him. But I will say: oh, bloody hell.

Tom: First of all, let’s get the ridiculous bits out of the way: yes, it has Gary Barlow travelling the world like some kind of beardy musical messiah on a walkabout. Yes, it has a conductor in a bow tie. And yes, it’s almost certainly inspired by the wonderful, world-wide cover of Stand By Me that did the rounds.

Tim: Ridiculous-wise, those things don’t even compare to it. What about the opening?

Tom: Yes, there are more ridiculous things here. It starts with Prince Charles listening to it. And Prince Charles is inherently ridiculous. Full marks to Prince Harry, mind, for amiably handling his occasional tambourine taps with a knowing grin.

Tim: Well, there is that.

Tom: Actually, hang on: there’s more ridiculous things. They rhymed “sing it clearer” and “everyone will hear ya”. Not “you”. “Ya”. Plus, it’s partly written by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Plus, plus, plus, there isn’t even a damned key change, and if ever a song needed one…

Tim: Yes – it really does go on, doesn’t it? Especially the marching band bit at the end, which sounds horribly disjointed from the rest of it.

Tom: The thing is, it’s not a bad piece of music. It’s just a bit ridiculous.

Alexandra Burke – Let It Go

“Actually that’s quite good.”

Tom: So, she’s had danceable girl power anthems (Broken Heels), full-on power ballads (The Silence), and a dozen other styles besides: what’s this next one? Why, it’s a SUMMER ANTHEM CHOON, of course.

Tim: Oh, haven’t we had enough of them already?

Tom: Well, it’s almost June – I’m surprised we haven’t heard more. I haven’t heard anything that’d count as “The Summer’s Floorfiller” yet – this year’s Cee-Lo or Black Eyed Peas.

Tim: True – a lot of the ones that come our way, though, seem to be disappointingly generic and not really worth discussing (though that last one does at least have an interesting chorus, lyrically speaking). But hey, let’s give this a go.

Tim: Actually that’s quite good – different enough not to be totally generic.

Tom: There’s a video that gets the product placement in early. Also, London Underground FACT: that tube carriage scene will have been filmed in a stationary carriage well away from any moving trains. Which is a shame, because frankly Alexandra Burke ripping off her clothes would greatly improve any tube ride I was on.

Tim: Or, indeed, pretty much any situation at all.

Tom: And as our Dubstep Watch continues: we’re now seeing our first Failed Dubstep Middle Eight. Not enough bass, not enough oomph, not enough anything: it’s like the electricity in the studio cut off and someone had to put another 50p in the meter. Which is a shame, really, because up until then it was a decent track.

Tim: You think? I’d say it works alright – sort of like a quick break in the middle for people to catch their breath, should they need to. Of course, if that’s not what they were going for then yes, it’s failed.

Tom: Not quite another Broken Heels, but it’ll do.

Chiddy Bang feat. Icona Pop – Mind Your Manners

…well, now that’ll do very nicely.

Tom: Yesterday, I described Icona Pop’s new single as “not much of a song”. Earlier this year, I reviewed Chiddy Bang’s first single, (I’m) Ray Charles, with the three-word phrase “no you’re not”.

What I’m trying to say is this: on their own, I haven’t liked what I’ve heard from either of these artists. But together…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GYe7LqTnTE

Tom: …well, now that’ll do very nicely.

Tim: Sort of – from the first second I saw those guys in white holding what might have been on first glance paintball guns, I was hoping there’d be some MASSIVE PAINT MASSACRE. Even though they were cameras. But they could still have been guns as well.

Tom: Both the song and its video seem to be happy but mostly incomprehensible. I don’t really mind that I don’t understand them, though; I’m too busy being caught up in what is a spectacularly infectious tune. Sometimes, simple and repetitive works.

Tim: Yes – unfulfilled video expectations aside, I can’t really fault this. The whole ‘there is no-one like me’ that seems to NEVER STOP just works really for me, and I like it. Would I like it as much without the video? Not quite as much, probably, but I still would.

Tom: By their powers combined: they’ve made a good track.

Poppy and the Jezebels – Sign In, Dream On, Drop Out

Slightly quirky vocals, bouncy electronica backing, and a liking for retro-styling.

Tom: A female electronica trio with slightly quirky vocals, bouncy electronica backing, and a liking for retro-styling. Yep, it’s the Pipettes. No, sorry. It’s “Poppy and the Jezebels”, apparently.

Tim: Decent enough name.

Tom: Now I’ve made the comparison, though, I can’t help but think of them as a less catchy version of the Pipettes. I can’t really think of anything else to add: there’s nothing wrong with it, I just keep expecting something to set them apart. It’s all… nice.

Tim: Well, it is quite catchy – chorus certainly goes on long enough to make it so. It’s a good chorus, though it’s let down by the fact that despite concentrating very hard, I’m entirely unable to make out the first line of it. And that annoys me, because a song like this is one I want to sing along to when I’m feeling chirpy.

Tom: I do find myself constantly distracted during the video by the fact they haven’t got their placards in order. I shouldn’t find that annoying, but I do.

Tim: Not as annoying as you would have found the three guys at the Scooter gig I went to at the weekend that held up signs with “HARDER”, “SCOOTER”, and “FASTER” on them. In that order.

Tom: GAH. I cringed, Tim, and I wasn’t even there.

Pitbull – Back In Time

And now he’s gone and done something brilliant.

Tom: So yesterday, I ranted about Pitbull. And now he’s gone and done something brilliant. I don’t know what to think.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIDwgpBh0Aw

Tim: Hmm. I think…’brilliant’? Really?

Tom: I listened to this back to back several times. There are very few songs that make me do that. Anyway, this is the song for Men In Black 3. To say that he’s got a tough act to follow is an understatement: the original film brought us, well, Will Smith’s “Men In Black”. I shouldn’t like this. But I do. I think it’s more to do with the background.

Tim: There, you could be right, because it is good. Not brilliant, I think, but positive, certainly.

Tom: He’s sampling a track from 1972 called “Love Is Strange”, and oh my word is he ever improving it. He’s kept the good bits of the original – that beautiful chord progression and voice – but modernised it with a decent pace and beat. It’s not sacrilege: it’s a massive improvement.

Tim: Agreed. If you’re choosing to sample that song, this is a good way of doing it, paying it decent service. It’s far, far better than it could have been.

Tom: Now, it’s not as good as Will Smith’s original. No-one’s going to be singing this in the playgrounds. (I remember kids singing the original, or at least a dirty version of it, in my school’s playground.) But is it good? Hell yes. Even the unexpected dubstep background works for me.

Tim: Me too. God, I’m really starting to like that stuff now.

Tom: Maybe it’s because the film is ridiculous, the music is ridiculous, and Pitbull is ridiculous. He just fits. I can live with that.

Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull – Dance Again

The chorus is just glorious.

Tom: Let this one run, Tim, the chorus is just glorious.

Tim: You know, I wish you’d given me a bit of notice that we were going to turn in into to one of those sites, because I’ve got some much better videos than that one.

Tom: There is a lot of flesh in this video. Unfortunately, too much of it is Pitbull’s. I… I don’t understand Pitbull. I mean, I don’t understand anything about him. I swear he’s a parody artist that’s somehow been taken seriously. Look at the first few seconds of him in this video. Just look at him.

Tim: Oh, come on. You’re trying to tell me you’ve never once used the words “Shimmy shimmy yo shimmy sham shimmy yay” in a conversation?

Tom: He describes himself as a “modern day Hugh Hefner”. With a pencil moustache.

Tim: The moustache, I’ll give you. The Hefner thing, well, it does at least fit with all his pervy mutterings as he skulks in the corner.

Tom: I don’t know what to think about this track. The rap bit is terrible, the strange breakdown in the middle is appalling, and yet. And yet. There’s that absolutely gorgeous chorus. That’s the best chorus I’ve heard in a long while.

Tim: It is a cracker, and I actually don’t have a problem with Pitbull here. A lot of rapping in songs, I hate. But this just seems to work for me, or at least not ruin it, mainly because compared to that chorus and the rest of it, he just seem…unimportant, really, not actually doing much aside from the occasional murmuring.

Tom: Oh, come on, he’s got entire verses, not to mention the introduction. Actually, you know what I want? I want this song performed by “Jennifer Lopez Not Featuring Pitbull”.

Tim: In that case, I will offer you my full sympathies, understanding and support for any campaign you pursue, because eighteen months on I still haven’t got over the Flo Rida/Saturdays debacle.