Olly Murs – Busy

He looks like an idiot.

Tom: I think the only reason I make sure we review his singles is so that I can revisit the phrase “swaggering leprechaun cockery”, which remains one of my favourite things I’ve ever written for this site.

Tim: Well, if we’re picking favourites, I think I’d have to go with that “shot out of John Barrowman” comment.

Tim: He looks like an idiot. This is not something I shall use to judge the music, though. Also, I will happily bet anybody five hundred million quid that he did not make that papier-mache thing that he’s pretending to put the finishing touches to.

Tom: Got to be honest: “scrambled eggs” and “bacon” are not generally things you hear in the opening lines of a love song. It’s catchy and jingly enough, and I found myself quite enjoying it once I stopped paying attention to the lyrics.

Tim: You know what? After a minute, I’ve formed my opinion of the music: it’s alright. And that’s all you’re getting, because there’s so much more to say about the video. Let’s start with the fact that at 1:07 he is combing his forehead, and that given the size of the mark on his cheek relative to her mouth, he must logically have drawn that on himself.

Tom: As for creepy papier-mâché love-doll Gepetto… I’ll leave that to you to mock.

Tim: Well, many men throughout the ages have got comfort from one form of doll or another; I won’t insult all of them by lumping them in with him. It is, however, nice that he has several friends that will happily pretend she is actually a person just so he can think he has a date on his birthday.

Blondie – Mother

What a chorus!

Tom: Yep, they’re still going. New album, as well.

Tom: And oddly enough, this still sounds like Blondie. I reckon that even if you hadn’t told me who it was, I’d still know it from Debbie Harry’s voice.

What a chorus! Proper chord progression, proper vocals, proper rock guitar. The start of the verses let it down a bit – but on the whole this is pretty damn good.

Tim: There’s actually not a lot I’ve got to add to that – it had me right from the intro and never let up. Good stuff.

Tom: Just to remind you: Debbie Harry is 65 years old. She can still belt this out. That’s pretty damn good. Go on, Rihanna, let’s see you still singing about whips and chains in forty years’ time. Actually, let’s not.

Rikke Lie – Better Off

I haven’t really got a clue what’s meant to be happening here.

Tim: I laughed very hard at one point in this video; I will not spoil it for you yet.

Tom: Hmm, okay. Let’s see. What?… okay. What?

Tim: Indeed – I haven’t really got a clue what’s meant to be happening here either.

Tom: Gorgeous voice, though, and a lovely major-key ballad, so I don’t really mind. Is that autotune I hear at about 2:20 though, on that sliding note? And again, on the ‘awa-a-y’ at 3:07? It’s a shame, because it doesn’t sound like she really needs it.

Tim: Isn’t that just a wavering voice?

Tom: It sounds just a bit too digital for that. I could be wrong, though.

Tim: Anyway, it’s the video I’m wondering about – she’s clearly got an ‘I’m happy you’ve pissed off’ vibe going on throughout the lyrics, yet we also have a sad tale of two lovers (we’ll ignore the fact that they’re anthropomorphised fridge magnets for now) who desperately want to be with each other but can’t be. Is her song meant to be some sort of reassurance to them that it’s actually for the best? I have no idea.

Tom: You know, I don’t remember my high school physics all that well, but surely couldn’t the A just, er, turn over? Then they’d fit together perfectly.

Tim: What, so they’d be spooning in perpetuity? Perhaps that’s just not what they want from a relationship. Jumping sideways a bit, though: one thing I do know is that you should never jump from a very dark mood to a very light mood that swiftly without a key change. Naughty.

Tom: Well, there is a significant dress change, if nothing else.

Little Majorette – Never Be The Same Again

There’s a dozen different things going on.

Tim: Even though this is a fairly good song, and there’s lots and lots to it, I don’t really know what to write about it. You start, and I’ll join in later.

Tom: “You start, and I’ll join in later.” Tim’s approach to sex there, ladies and gentlemen.

Tim: Actually, my approach to YOUR MUM last night, and my word did she start.

Tom: Harsh. Anyway, the start of this sounds exactly like ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’, and it was hard to keep that song out of my head all the way through the first verse. When the rest of it kicked in, though; well, I see your problem. There’s a dozen different things going on, and it never actually seems to settle down into one track in particular; it slides between a dozen different styles and intensities as it goes on.

That’s not a bad thing, but – yes, I see your problem. I like parts of it; I dislike others; and I can’t form an opinion on the whole because I can’t quite grasp it.

Tim: Yeah – my liking of it goes up and down over the course of the song and doesn’t really average out anywhere. Let’s give this a total thumbs sideways.

Taio Cruz – Telling The World

I think this might count as Oscar bait.

Tom: I think this might count as Oscar bait.

Tom: Taio Cruz clearly doesn’t mind playing second fiddle to an animated parrot. I suspect that might be because he’s making an enormous amount of money from this. Cue lots of footage from the movie, and an incredibly generic music video designed to appeal to everyone over the age of zero.

Tim: AND, he’s not wearing his usual trademark dickhead sunglasses, which is an interesting change.

Tom: As for the song: well, it’s no “Can You Feel The Love Tonight”. It’s certainly not a “Somewhere Out There”. It’s not even a “You’ll Be In My Heart”. But it’s not bad – and even if it wasn’t attached to the video, I suspect it’d still do pretty well. It is, in a word, rather lovely.

Tim: It is quite nice, isn’t it. Nothing special. But nice.

Tom: There is one unfortunate bit in the video where there are two mirrored versions of himself staring back at each other, looking for all the world like they’re about to kiss. Don’t use that effect in love song videos, directors.

Owl City feat. Shawn Chrystopher – Alligator Sky

Oh. You’ve got yourself a rapper. Well, that’s just precious.

Tom: Ah, Owl City. Purveyor of cheap and tacky synthpop to teenagers across America. What do you have for us this time?

Tom: Oh. You’ve got yourself a rapper. Well, that’s just precious.

Still the exact same nonsense lyrics and happy-go-lucky electronic music. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that, but once you’ve figured out the formula – and seen it expertly deconstructed – you kind of hope for more.

Tim: Thing is, I like Owl City. He’s a bit like the Scouting For Girls of the electro world – the songs all blend into each other, and as long as there’s one fairly decent one in there somewhere it all seems all right. This one’s alright – even the rapping is fairly low-key, so it doesn’t really disturb anything.

Tom: There are some artists that keep producing the same kind of thing, and that’s OK because it’s just so good; and there are artists who keep reinventing themselves, and that’s great too. And then there’s Owl City.

Still, at least there’s a key change.

Barbarellas – Night Mode

Tom: No, really, they’ve got a second single. I didn’t think it’d happen either.

Tom: It’s, um, well it’s pretty forgettable. And that autotune is really grating by a couple of minutes in: the song just never goes anywhere.

Tim: Except for in one ear and out of the other.

Tom: “If you want to be cool / take it back to school”? Bloody hell.

Tim: Well, that is at least better than the next bit, which cleverly rhymes ‘sexy’ with, um, ‘sexy’.

Tom: There is one good thing, though: the one with dark hair doesn’t look like Noel Fielding to me any more. But that’s only because I’ve now watched Blake’s Junction 7, and I now think she looks a bit like Mackenzie Crook in drag.

Tim: And there was me thinking you were going to apologise for before.

Tom: I realise that’s cruel, and I’m sorry. I’m well aware I’m not exactly the least androgynous person in the world. It shouldn’t have anything to do with the review, but I just can’t unsee it. It’s the sharply cut hair and worryingly slim body, I think. Yes. Sorry.

T-Pain feat. Chris Brown – Best Love Song

They just trade ‘ehh’ sounds back at each other for eight bars.

Tom: T-Pain: master of autotune whose best work is probably with the Lonely Island singing I’m On A Boat; and Chris Brown, noted domestic abuser?

Brace yourself, Tim. This isn’t going to be fun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbYHmlto21M

Tom: I don’t know what’s more laughable about this.

Tim: Ooh, well let’s list things and see what comes out on top.

Tom: The parts where they just trade ‘ehh’ sounds back at each other for eight bars?

Tim: The fact that it starts with two rounds of ‘nappyboy’?

Tom: The ‘cowabunga’?

Tim: The autotune that’s so thick it’s possible they’re just saying stuff monotonously and letting the computer do all the work?

Tom: The key change, after which they trade ‘ehh’ sounds again before a bizarre guitar breakdown and drum solo finishes the whole thing off?

Tim: Oh, good lord – yeah, actually, that wins.

Tom: I just… I’m not sure I have words for this one.

Tim: In that case I propose just one: tripe. Although part of me is tempted to suggest a variant of Poe’s Law.

Natalia Kills – Mirrors

So what if she’s not the first person to do this sort of thing?

Tom: So here’s the first question, Tim: how many artists is she ripping o– er, “drawing inspiration from”?

Tom: I can hear the Eurythmics in there, plus Lady Gaga – obviously. Anyone else I’ve missed?

Tim: Hmm, I don’t know – there’s ‘ripping off’, but there’s also just ‘doing the same style as’ – as far as I’m concerned the music’s good, and so what if she’s not the first person to do this sort of thing?

Tom: It’s a pity that’s going to be the first thing anyone thinks when they hear this song, because it’s actually really quite good. It kept me listening throughout, and the production is note-perfect, as you’d expect.

Tim: Exactly – it could quite easily be a Lady Gaga track, and that should really be more of a compliment than a disparagement.

Tom: Bit of a disappointing bridge exit, but I can live with that because the guitar that comes in on that final chorus is just glorious.

A lot of people seem to be assuming that the lyric is “the mirror’s gonna fall tonight”, and it’s not – it’s “the mirror’s gonna fog tonight”. This is one of those rare pop songs that isn’t about love or romance: it’s entirely about how good the sex is going to be.

Tim: Also of note is the interesting approach to product placement in the video – shall we put effort into this, and think about how we can work someone wearing a pair of Monster Beats by Dre™ Studio White headphones into the video, or shall we just chuck them on a floor somewhere, cut to them once or twice and hope that’ll do?

Lauri – Heavy

Tom: A reader writes in to suggest this, saying: “the vocalist of The Rasmus decided to make it solo”. Now that was enough to interest me. Our reader continues: “I never preferred The Rasmus, or Lauri Ylönen with his voice, but this is something I just love!”

And you know what, I agree. Throughout the verses, you’re waiting for it to burst into something triumphant. The first chorus doesn’t quite manage that – but the song keeps building, with each section coming back just a little bit stronger. And after the bridge… well, then it’s just lovely.

Tim: It is, it really is. The only thing is that after every ‘heavy’ I sort of feel that it should be getting bigger, and leading up to something, even right at the end, but then there’s nothing it could really build up to. It’s still very good, though.

Tom: As for the cyborg one-man-band and his creepy sock puppet, though? I’ll leave that for you to mock.

Tim: Mock? Are you kidding me? I WANT THAT BABY THING AS A PET. After all, it needs someone to look after it now that its, well, mother, I suppose, is sadly gone. But I will treat it well, though, and it shall not need to dream of us having fun together; I will not require it to display some creative genius. I shall love it as I would my own child.

Until I get bored of it and put it in a cage somewhere.