Black Eyed Peas – Just Can’t Get Enough

Well, it’s got to be better than ‘Dirty Bit’.

Tom: Well, it’s got to be better than ‘Dirty Bit’.

Tom: And indeed it is. Unlike before, when ‘Dirty Bit’ seems completely incongruous with the rest of the song, all this seems to fit together nicely – even the ‘switch up’ bit at the end really works for me.

Tim: Not me – as far as I’m concerned if a phrase like ‘switch up’ appears in anything related to music, it should indicate one thing: key change. And not one that fits in nicely with the tune: one that is entirely gratuitous and would be slammed by every sensible music critic.

Tom: It’s mostly-meaningless, catchy club music, and as long as it’s not pretending to be something greater I’ve got no problem with that.

Tim: Fair point, I suppose, although I must say this is possibly a song that would make me leave the dance floor (and as you know that’s actually fairly heavy criticism from me).

Tom: That video’s also proven something: the rolling shutter problems I complained about months ago have now made it into proper, full-budget videos. Once you see it, you can’t un-see it, and it’s really bugging me that professional producers allow it to hit their videos.

Speaking of which: did they film it in Japan just because they shoehorned the phrases “love you long time” and “Mr Roboto” into the lyrics? I’m not sure what to think of that.

Tim: And speaking of lyrics: ‘vexed-o’? Really?

Europlop’s Sunday Mashups: Jay-Z, Rihanna & E.S. Posthumus – Run This Town / Posthumus Zone

Big.

Tom: It’s Superbowl Sunday, Tim.

Tim: Ooh, and you like American Football. Educate me, whilst I take a seat.

Tom: Last year’s Superbowl was the most watched television event in American history, as somewhere in the region of a hundred million people saw the underdog New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts. Now how do you open a show like that?

The advertisers are going to want something spectacular – after all, they’re paying somewhere around five million dollars per minute of commercial time. And the viewers are going to want something that beats previous years. In 2006, for example, Billy Joel sang the American national anthem, interspersed with live footage of American troops watching in Baghdad and a camera feed from the cockpit of one of the military jets that fly over the stadium exactly at the song’s conclusion. That’s how you open a damn show. (Ignore the autotune – nobody told Billy Joel they were going to use it.)

So what does CBS, last year’s broadcaster, do?

Tim: Something quite big?

Tom: Well, they get Jay-Z and Rihanna, pretty much the biggest names in music. And then they get ES Posthumus, who write incredible, overblown electric-guitar-and-orchestra themes. And then they mash them together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w__W9f77PE

Tom: The final released version of this was “clean”, but for the sheer spectacle I’ve linked to the broadcast version. This is how you get a hundred million people hyped up for a game. If your jaw didn’t drop at that incredible slow-motion jump near the end, then I think there might be something wrong with you.

I just worry that ITV will try and do something like this for the FA Cup Final one year. They’d use Dizzee Rascal. It just wouldn’t be the same. It’s not British at all, and – just this once – that’s what’s so great about it.

And as for this year? It’s the Fox network’s turn to broadcast it, so I’m assuming it’ll be something suitably over-the-top. And hopefully, the Packers will take the trophy as well.

Tim: Well in that case… go Packers?

Aggro Santos feat. Kimberley Walsh – Like U Like

It’s hard for me to describe how much I dislike this song.

Tom: Now, Tim, you were over in Canada while this year’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here was on, so you’ll not know who Aggro Santos is. That’s okay – you’re in the same position everyone else was when that show started. He’s now “that bloke who was a bit crap on I’m A Celebrity”.

Tom: The show has actually done his career a bit of good, because now he’s releasing a track that features Kimberley Walsh, better known as “her out of Girls Aloud. No, the other one. No, the other other one.”

Now, it’s hard for me to describe how much I dislike this song.

Tim: Must say, my feelings aren’t far off that. How about we list things we hate instead?

Tom: The way that the start of each chorus makes me think of “Your Song” by Elton John.

Tim: The way the levels at the beginning are set just right so you can’t make out what either of them are saying.

Tom: The half-singing half-rapping.

Tim: The worry they seem to have that we’ll forget the name of the song half way through.

Tom: The bit in the video where he appears to be pointing with interest at her armpit.

Tim: The replacement of the Spanish 7 with sex, but then him actually being speed date numbers 5, 2 and 1.

Tom: And the fact that it’s ripping off Pretty Fly for a White Guy. Come to think of it, the bloody awful lyrics. “Just like you like” technically makes sense, but repeated it starts to grate like an industrial-strength cheese grater.

Tim: Spending quite some time setting up the use of a three course meal as a metaphor for a date and then almost immediately dropping it.

Tom: But here’s the worst part: it’s catchy. The stupid, dancey part of my brain likes it. And it’s stuck in my head.

Tim: Really? I just think it’s crap.

Professor Green feat. Maverick Sabre – Jungle

Leave the key changes and schlager aside.

Tom: All right, Tim, hold on. Let’s leave the key changes and schlager aside for a moment – it’s time for us to attempt a track that, as two middle-class white guys, we are utterly unqualified to review.

Tom: Let’s be honest: this is Guns N’ Roses ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ reinterpreted for 21st century kids.

Tim: Don’t like it.

Tom: Thought that might be the reaction. Still, there’s clearly an audience for this if he’s on the fourth single, and it’s pretty listenable. He’s milking the album a bit, though; this is the fourth single from “Alive ‘Til I’m Dead”, at which point you can probably justifiably claim he’s just stalling before getting some new material out.

Tim: Which’ll probably be rubbish.

Tom: “Welcome to Hackney / A place where I think somebody’s been playing Jumanji”. I’ll be honest: a kitschy Robin Williams film is not a reference I expected to hear at the start of this.

Tim: It’s rubbish.

Tom: I don’t think you can claim the video glamorises anything.

Tim: Or that the video’s good. Or that the song’s good.

Tom: Right. Mental note. Don’t suggest any more grime tracks to Tim.

Cee-Lo Green – It’s OK

It seems that pretty much everything Cee-Lo touches turns to gold.

Tom: It seems that pretty much everything Cee-Lo touches turns to gold. I hope the second single off ‘The Ladykiller’ gets some attention, even though it doesn’t have the shock value of ‘Fuck You‘ – because it deserves it.

Tom: It doesn’t have quite the same singalong quality to it, but my word it’s an excellent track.

Tim: I agree.

Tom: This is neo-soul – like Motown only with modern production values – and I have the feeling that record labels are already hunting round for the next ten singers they’re going to try and shoehorn into that slot.

Tim: Probably, although one of the most likely contenders was voted off the X Factor, after being compared to just about any black person going (seriously – there was Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross and, um, Lenny Henry).

Tom: Honestly, this song just makes me smile.

Tim: Yes. I really like the lyrics videos they’ve done – even if the song takes a bit of dip at one point, you can just follow the words like a dog watching TV, not really knowing what’s going on but enchanted by the pretty patterns.

Tom: It’s called “kinetic typography“, and it’s one of those things that’s easy to do – but very difficult to do well. Folks who try to rip it off will just… well, they’ll look like they’re ripping it off.

Shakira feat. Dizzee Rascal – Loca

They’re going through the motions rather than actually having fun.

Tom: I saw the artists’ names and immediately thought “hell yes”. The woman who sang the best-selling song of the 21st century so far, and the best British rapper ever? (Don’t argue. I’ve seen him live, and I’ve never seen a crowd get quite so excited.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqmbvKuhig8

Tom: It’s a typical Latin-influenced track, with singing from Shakira and verses from Mr. Rascal (as he’s formally known).

Tim: He actually is.

Tom: That’s what you’d expect from a collaboration like this – and there’s even a point where they trade lines as well. But what’s missing seems to be the energy. It almost seems like they’re going through the motions rather than actually having fun recording it.

Tim: One of the problems is that for the most part, Shakira’s getting through so many words that she’s practically unintelligible, so I have no idea what the song’s about. That was particularly the case when Dizzee was talking about feeling ‘el presidente’, and I spent a good couple of minutes wondering what orange juice had to do with anything, before I realised I was thinking of Del Monte.

There’s one time you can definitely understand her though, and it leads to a question I have long wanted to know the answer to: what is it with rappers and wanting to be called ‘daddy’ (or, in this case, ‘papi’)? It’s just plain weird, but it’s all over the place – Usher’s particularly guilty of it. Since when did incest become attractive?

If I was a girl, and my boyfriend said that to me, I would say to him, ‘Okay, I’ll call you daddy, but only if you call me mummy,’ and then I’d watch him run screaming from the room.

Tom: That’s a mental image that’s going to stay with me for a while.

Anyway, the lack of enthusiasm’s the same in the video – him and her have blatantly been filmed separately, perhaps even on different continents with the help of some bluescreen.

Tim: Actually, that is one heck of a distracting video, for a blindingly obvious reason.

Tom: Well, yes, I think anyone who…

Tim: …and that is Shakira’s attitude towards basic safety practices.

Tom: Wait, what?

Tim: She wears kneepads when she’s rollerblading in her very small amount of clothing – looks a bit odd, but it’s okay because it’s demonstrating good procedure for any children watching. However, then she goes on a motorbike without any real torso protection and no sign of any helmet (which is almost certainly illegal, by the way). Totally mixed messages.

Tom: How well will the American market react to “that girl is a nutter” being in there? No idea, but I hope it helps Mr. Rascal crack America. He deserves it.

JLS – Love You More

It’s just so generic.

Tom: Two years ago, McFly released Do Ya, which I now agree is pretty much their best single, for Children in Need. Last year, it was Peter Kay and his Animated All-Stars. This year, it’s… ah, well, it’s JLS. Never mind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfoAEwTJBYU

Tom: I want to comment on this, but it’s just so generic that it flies in one ear and out the other. I mean, they can sing in harmony (unlike certain bands we know) and it’s a competent enough track that pushes all the buttons. In fact, the most obvious feature is the end, because it feels like they’ve stopped right in the middle of a

Tim: It’s…dull. There’s really not a lot to like about it. Charity records ought to be fun, to get people excited about raising money and stuff – this is anything but. Where’s the excitement? Where’s the enthusiasm? Where’s…anything that’s interesting? I will, however, try to excuse it by assuming they were all too busy with condoms to concentrate on their music.

Tom: I want to mock that, I really do, but it’s actually a genuinely good way to get a safe-sex message out. Wow. For once, I actually have to applaud that cash-in.

And as for the video: They’re also doing The Pusher-style blurryvision; the director has discovered DSLR video and It Must Be Filmed With Shallow Depth of Field. I know I’m the only one who’s annoyed by this, but I’m going to keep blathering about it.

B.o.B feat. Rivers Cuomo – Magic

The most awkward dancing that you’ll see for a long time.

Tom: Okay, brace yourself, because this video features the most awkward dancing that you’ll see in mainstream music for a long time. Rivers Cuomo is better known as the frontman of the band Weezer, who have lately been known more for their gimmicks than their music*, and who may be the whitest guy to appear in a track like this in a long time.

*See, for example, videos featuring the Muppets or every internet meme ever, and their latest album cover.

Tom: This is surprisingly catchy. B.o.B generally has damn good choruses – and his flow (yes, I just used the word flow, deal with it) isn’t bad either.

Tim: You’re right, he does have good choruses – the downside to this is that I often end up just putting up with the verses as a way to get to the chorus, and actually partly wishing they weren’t there at all. It also means that the songs can get known just by their choruses, which, unfortunately for this song, is nowhere near as good as the chorus in Airplanes, which also had a fairly decent melody under the, um, flow rather than some generic drum and bass beat.

Tom: He’s namechecked Aretha Franklin, David Blaine, and Evil Knievil – all of which made me smile – but there’s a few things that annoy me about this.

First of all, it’s three and a half minutes dedicated to how good he is. Don’t say it – prove it. Admittedly it’s nice to see a pop song that isn’t just about love or relationships, but does it have to be ego-boosting instead?

Tim: This irritates me as well. Devil’s advocate, though: at least he’s confident in himself. He’s had a couple of number one singles – why shouldn’t he love himself?

Tom: Second, you’re really doing the ‘was it really all a dream’ thing with the video? Achewood made fun of that eight years ago and it was old then. It was old in the eighties. Seriously. Do better.

Tim: Ah, no. You see, it’s retro now, and therefore cool.

Tom: And finally, B.o.B is pronounced “Bob”? Really?

Tim: More likely that his real name is Bob (well, Bobby), which it is.

Tom: That’s, somehow, vaguely disappointing.

Madcon feat. Ameerah – Freaky Like Me

It’s got a crowd-noise “aaayy!” sample, so it can’t be all bad.

Tom: Most Brits will know Madcon for two reasons: first of all, their fantastic rework of Beggin’, and secondly, the crowd-dance 2010 Eurovision interval act. As for this one: well, it’s got a crowd-noise “aaayy!” sample, so it can’t be all bad.

Tom: The first chorus sounds like it should be the last chorus, which is a pity because it isn’t. This seems to overstay its welcome even at three minutes; if you this ended at 1:11, I think it’d be a pretty good minute of music, but after that it just seems to drag a bit. Even the proper appearance of Ameerah in the last third can’t save it.

Tim: I don’t know, I think it’s all right – I will confess, though, that I spent the last ninety seconds desperately trying to remember what ‘come a little closer, come a little closer’ reminded me of, so I wasn’t really listening to it. Even listening to it again, though, I think there’s enough in there to sustain the full three minutes, and I might even go so far as to say I almost slightly like it.

Tom: Good video, though; the UV paint and fancy typography make up for the slightly dull track.

Mungo Jerry v Bluestone feat. Skibadee – In The Summertime

A soul-draining three minutes of noise.

Tom: It’s time for the worst song of the summer! Actually, that’s an overstatement, nothing could beat that Peter Dickson atrocity, but it comes pretty close.

Tom: If you’re a certain age, then there’s one thing that Mungo Jerry’s “In The Summertime” will remind you of: don’t drink and drive public service announcements. This new version has creatively removed that lyric by putting a dodgy rap over the top of it. “Everybody loves summertime” has to be one of the most insipid lyrics I’ve heard in a long while. Oh, and stop giving yourself shoutouts, people. You’re not famous enough to do that without sounding like a tit.

Tim: My very first thought when this started playing was ‘ooh, this is like Barbie Girl.’ Then it turned out it wasn’t in the slightest, and it all went downhill from there.

Tom: Why are they releasing this in early September, otherwise known as “the start of autumn”?

Tim: It is a bit odd. It might just be me, but a load of songs seem to be like that this year. Alexandra Burke’s was all summery, Inna’s tune would normally have been released mid-June, and there’s this, a dance tune that’s still just on the verge of arriving and continues the season’s weird instrument trend by including a pipe organ.

Tom: Did Mungo Jerry need auto-tuning? No, he didn’t. Did he actually need to turn up for the video? Well, I suspect he needed the money. Speaking of the video, let’s deconstruct this for a minute. First of all, Bluestone is the spitting image of Nathan Barley – I think it’s the glasses – which really set me against him from the start. I realise that’s slightly hypocritical coming from a twenty-something middle-class white guy who’s living in London and earning his living doing web stuff, but there you go.

Second up: panning to the rest of the studio and then flash-cutting so the crew become attractive and female? That’s one of the most insidiously sexist music videos I’ve seen in a long time – it’s not just “look at these attractive women“, it’s “oh wow women can be technical crew! Wait, no they can’t, come out here and dance, ladies“.

Tim: You’re complaining about sexism in the video – did you listen to the lyrics? This is a, well, song, for want of a better word, containing the lines:

When the sunshine come out, the best girls come out,
Chicks dress to impress, like whoa.

So, umm, yeah. I’ll be honest: I don’t think this song has any redeeming features whatsoever. Part of me hopes it actually is some sort of Nathan Barley spin-off in disguise, because at least then there would be an excuse for its existence. As it is, it’s just a soul-draining three minutes of noise.