Tim: Last week, Hera took centre stage trying to be at Eurovision 2009; this week, she’s at Eurovision 2008, but as the centre-left backing singer. The lead male, by the way, is apparently not Neil Patrick Harris, but I’m not sure.
Tom: You’re not wrong, he’s like Neil Patrick Harris done in Lego. And yet again, I’d have placed this a good decade earlier than it actually appeared.
Tim: I think I may be on a late-’00s Eurodance high right now, because damn, will it ever make a resurgence? I do hope so, because it was a lot of fun while it lasted. The number of wonky and spinning-out camera shots in here alone sells it for me.
Tom: Full marks for him for a convincing dive out of the way of the steadicam, too.
Tim: All in all, a very fun track; came mid-table in the end, in the same year we came dead last with that god-awful Andy Abrahams track, which I’m not even going to link to because I don’t want to be responsible for you hearing it. Basically, we should be Iceland.
Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, sound the klaxons: we have a POP EMERGENCY on our hands, and it was all caused by THIS, a song submitted (but rejected) for the Moldovan Eurovision qualifying round in 2014, by Moldovan singer Felicia Dunaf.
Tom: Oh, that’s lovely! I mean, it’s by-the-numbers schlagery Europop, but they’re good numbers. Every little trick in the book: that counterpoint-melody from the backing singers, the cheesy 808 clap sound effects… oh, I like it a lot.
Tim: As do I, but it seems Moldovan TV producers thought otherwise, and so no-one else ever heard it. Nonetheless, the writers still reckoned they had a hit on their hands, and hell, why WOULDN’T they? As such, this year they played with it a bit, wrote new lyrics, got it recorded by Swedish singer Anna Book, and submitted it to the Melodifestivalen guys. Confirming their views, it got accepted, and was due to be performed tomorrow evening at heat 1. With me so far?
Tom: Yep. And I’ll bet it’d place well in its heat — probably enough to make it through to Andra Chansen — but not get near Eurovision itself.
Tim: Unfortunately, we’ll never know – check out the date on that video. Back in 2014, after it was rejected, Felicia thought she might as well get some promo from it, and uploaded to to her YouTube channel, without telling anyone, where it got about 24 views. Except, well, rules is rules, and while having a song previously on YouTube isn’t *technically* against Eurovision rules, it very much is against Melodifestivalen rules.
Tom: They’re that strict? Blimey. Eurovision will allow it as long as it hasn’t had significant exposure, but… crikey. I suppose all the others have abided by the rules and passed up other promotional opportunities, so I guess that’s fair.
Tim: And presumably they didn’t want to worry about potentially having to haggle about the extent of “significant”. Anyway, the news surfaced yesterday after people started watching Anna’s rehearsal clip, so the Swedish version of COBRA rushed together, had a chat, and then said to Anna, in hopefully sympathetic terms, “You’re out.”
Tom: I believe that’s “CÖBRÅ”.
Tim: Ooh, good work. But aaaaanyway, now we’ve got through all of the story, shall we hear Anna’s version?
Tim: And oh, GOD, it’s INCREDIBLE. Dammit dammit DAMMIT, this would have been fantastic. Like you said, it probably wouldn’t have won, but with the pink lighting, the backing dancers, that wonderful wind machine and ALL THOSE TRUMPETS, it would have been a whole lot of fun. She’ll still be performing tomorrow, mind, so we can at least see what would have been, and I very much look forward to it, but as for her Melodifestivalen 2016 journey? Sorry, Anna.
Tim: A track here from a US-based Swede, taking its cues from modern guitar dance stuff and, it seems, Cascada.
Tom: What the bloody hell is that?
Tim: That, my friend, is a very, very odd track, stylistically if nothing else, because it doesn’t really fit, well, anywhere.
Tom: There’s some complicated polyrhythm stuff going on it there, I think? The vocals and percussion both seem to be marching to their own drum, but it all comes together in the end.
Tim: It’s—WAIT, I’ve realised where it would fit perfectly. This probably won’t be seen as a compliment, and perhaps it isn’t, but this strikes me as being just right for a Dance Dance Revolution machine. The beats are all there, so’s a load of excitement, and the styling is entirely atemporal so it can run for a decade without seeming out of place.
Tom: As someone who’s played a lot of DDR in his life, I’d quibble with that — the rhythm isn’t necessarily suitable for that. But I’ll grant you, with the odd style, and what seem to be chiptune samples in there, the style’s right.
Tim: Like I said, I’m not sure it’s a compliment, and it’s almost certainly not what she was aiming for, but it certainly makes it good to dance to.
“That chorus stands out so far above everything else.”
Tim: February’s rubbish, so shall we have a nice dance track with a great title to pretend it’s summer?
Tim: I’ll be honest, I’ve got no idea what ‘dust’ means as a verb aside from doing a bit of light housework, and given that that’d be a weird thing to sing about, let’s do music.
Tom: Mediocre verse, slightly dodgy pre-chorus, wonderful bit of instrumental work in the chorus. That chorus stands out so far above everything else.
Tim: I’d dispute the ‘mediocre’, but your last sentence is bang on: I’ve listened to this four or five time times now and it’s showing no signs whatsoever of getting tiring. It’s a lovely tune, albeit with a slight disconnect between the lyrics and the general mood in the melody; regardless, listen to it and be energised, as far as I’m concerned.
Tom: And while I’m not convinced by that verse, I’m in favour of the more complex rhythm patterns in the vocals there: there’s more than you might expect.
Tim: Exactly what I need right now with this tedious day of admin I’ve got to get through.
Tom: All right, here’s the Big Goodbye single. Here’s the Never Forget. From here, it’s the long road to the ten-year reunion tour, then the fifteen-year reunion tour that Zayn joins them again for. This is what they leave their fans with. This is what’ll bring the tears. And it’s….
Tom: …really good.
Tim: Aye, it’s decent enough.
Tom: I was expecting big, overblown production, but it’s not. That’s really pleasant. Not minimalist, by any means, but they’re letting the voices and the harmonies take it, and there’s a lovely build throughout the song. That bass chord progression could have come straight from fifty years ago, but that’s not a bad thing: this is a Damn Good Final Track.
Tim: Yep: lyrics say it all, really, especially that middle eight which is really something. That video is what really works for me, mind – I like how they didn’t cut Zayn out of any of it, just showed all the triumphs of these past few years.
Tom: And that video outro, with all four walking in different directions? That’s what’ll bring the tears.
Tim: You say that, but I reckon that wall finished six inches outside the camera shot and they’re turning behind it immediately to an open bar.
Tom: Really not sure about Liam’s hat, though. Or is that Louis? I still can’t tell them apart.
“I was all ready to pan it for for being too quiet and too uninspired, and then that chorus happened.”
Tom: Yep, he’s just “ZAYN” now. Which is fair, ‘cos I don’t think there’s a more famous Zayn out there.
Tim: Though apparently he’s not quite confident enough not to shout his name, and the track, and probably many other things.
Tom: Well, that’s about as modern a track as you can get.
Tim: And indeed pretty much along the lines of what everybody assumed he’d come out with.
Tom: Downbeat production that sounds like Bieber’s latest album, with either a little bit of autotune or a bit of a vocal filter. Occasional bit of swearing so it’s edgy. All one amorphous mass of noise. I was all ready to end it there, to pan it for for being too quiet and too uninspired, and then that chorus happened.
Tim: Yes, that’s one to mention. It’s odd – he left One Direction because he said he didn’t like the music they were making, and yet that’s a chorus that’s not hard to imagine coming from a modern One Direction album. But sorry, you were saying.
Tom: It’s almost like they got the spirit of Phil Collins and his big gated drums in, and just said “right, make it sound big again”. Actually, given that video, it’s a bit like they got the spirit of Phil Collins’ video editor in, and gave him some more modern technology.
It’s not a big singalong chorus, but I’m also sure it’s not meant to be. This is the future. Tomorrow, let’s talk about History.
Tim: Almost time to start going through this year’s Eurovision rejects, but first let’s take a trip back to 2009. Hera herself may be Icelandic, but why not at least try for Denmark anyway?
Tom: That takes a long time — perhaps too long — to kick in, but it’s worth it when it does.
Tim: A number of wonderful things here – the way the backing singers appear with a level of gravitas that might be appropriate if the curtain wasn’t entirely transparent but as it is is entirely undeserved.
Tom: I actually burst out laughing at that. It’s like they’re stepping out of the back of a shop from the 1980s.
Tim: The catherine wheel that kicks off at the key change that gets out of control, keeps accelerating until it can’t give any more and just splurges out; and then the rest of it – the so, so ’00s dance beat that jumps in for the chorus —
Tom: I was quite surprised this was as late as 2009: if it wasn’t for the widescreen shot, I’d have placed this somewhere around ten years earlier.
Tim: — the aforementioned key change, and of course Hera herself. Oh, what a wonderful woman.
“It’s as if someone with a kazoo was hiding out in the corner of the recording studio.”
Tim: Nice song, lovely lyric video. Interested?
Tom: It’d be terrible for our format if I said no.
Tim: Fair point. Here it is.
Tim: I say lovely lyric video, and it’s certainly one of the most interesting ones I’ve seen, but, damn, the way that there are five spoken “oh”s and only four pictured really, really irritates me. And it gets annoyingly repetitive towards the end. But still, interesting.
Tom: Ha! I’m not the only one that spotted that.
Tim: And nice music as well.
Tom: I’m now going to ruin it for you.
Tim: Oh, do you have to?
Tom: There’s a bizarre “uh” sample just before the third beat in the bar, almost all the way through the song. And now I’ve pointed it out to you, it’s all you’ll hear. “We mess UHH all the time. Tonight we’ll UHH it right.”
Tim: OH GOD YOU’RE RIGHT. It’s as if someone with a kazoo was hiding out in the corner of the recording studio. OH I HATE YOU YOU KNOB. But anyway, it’s not a track that’ll go down in history as one of the greats, but listening to it in comparison to yesterday’s fairly awful number, and even with that repeated noise, it sounds absolutely divine.
Tom: See, this is where we disagree. This has some good parts: that timpani hits are great. But honestly? I prefer the lipstick, and the lack of groaning samples.
“These lyrics have been pulled straight out of Tumblr about six months ago.”
Tim: I’ll be honest upfront: there are so, so many things wrong with this; we’ll discuss them all in a bit, but to start with be aware we’ve a sizeable number of f-bombs (Swedish, but it’s not exactly the most challenging translation), right from the off.
Tom: Oh, there’s a linguistics paper on code-switching and loan words to be had, there. That’s amazing.
Tim: The initial tone and lyric got me wanting to switch it off after less than ten seconds. The lyrics talk about ‘Netflix and chill’ and while I’m never normally one to get offended by bad language, the sheer intensity of it gets me thinking “alright love, calm down”.
Tom: I generally dislike songs that’ll date this badly — and let’s face it, parts of these lyrics have been pulled straight out of Tumblr about six months ago and are already placing this song somewhere in the middle of 2015.
But here’s the thing: I enjoyed the whole song.
Tim: Whuh?
Tom: I’ve previously said there aren’t enough songs in the genre of “this isn’t love, but you’re good in bed and that’ll do”. And come on, for that chorus, “you fuck up my lipstick, but not my mascara” is a bloody brilliant bit of lyric writing in any language. The video backs that up: this is not about pining for anyone, and I’m all in favour of that.
Tim: The video gets that point across, yes, but I still just find it plain unpleasant. And yet, and yet – that chorus almost makes up for it. Only almost, mind, because it would need to be a Queen Of My Heart-level chorus to make up for it fully, but it’s still a really nice chorus.
Tom: I’ll assume that’s in quality rather than style, because a sudden gear-shift into Westlife ballad would be odd here.
Tim: Well, obviously – though she can clearly sing when she wants to, so hopefully a slightly more pleasant follow-up isn’t too far off; as it is, though, for me it’s a terrible song, almost redeemed.
“So much more there than your standard term of ‘pop song’ can possibly encapsulate.”
Tom: Drop everything there’s a new Pet Shop Boys single and it’s a BANGER.
Tom: Seriously, I wasn’t expecting that. They’ve had some good tracks on recent albums, but they’ve all been a lot calmer than this. This sounds like one of the really good remixes that ends up being relegated to a “digital-only presale” because it’s not what you expect from them.
Tim: Hmm – it says something that it isn’t billed as the first single – that’s coming shortly, apparently. But I think here we’re back to the composers issue, because this is a piece of music more than anything else. Yes, it’s a piece of music that at times is very, very close to a track by either Sash or Faithless (can’t quite place it now; it’s one of those two), and it’s a piece of music that doesn’t need quite such a lengthy intro, but still there’s so much more there than your standard term of ‘pop song’ can possibly encapsulate.
Tom: Yes, it builds a bit slowly, yes, I think I’d prefer it if it kicked into that final-chorus mode a lot earlier and went even BIGGER for the end, but it’ll do nicely. I’m marking this down as “floor-filler” and looking forward to the album.
Tim: And the Royal Albert Hall, because if the new stuff’s half as good as this then that £35 each will be a BARGAIN.
