Margaret Berger – Scream

“It’s like a robotic ballet dancer”

Tim: Tom, upon discussing Human Race a few months back you expressed a slightly disdain for restraint in dance tracks of that ilk; have this.

https://soundcloud.com/margaret-berger/scream

Tim: And I reckon that’s very good indeed.

Tom: There’s certainly less restraint there, but I’m not sold. Maybe it’s just a mood I’m in — perhaps I’d be more charitable on a different day — but I’m finding that anything that isn’t Properly Uplifting is just kind of washing over me at the moment.

Tim: Exactly the sort of thing we’d expect, with a big beat in a wonderful upbeat and singalongable chorus. Calming down quite a bit for the middle eight, which almost serves to provide a brief respite, in case one was needed.

Tom: You reckon that’s upbeat and — I’m not sure this is a word — singalongable?

Tim: It’s definitely a word, and yes, certainly the chorus. I’ve got it in my head as a right earworm.

Tom: It’s certainly got a beat to it, but ‘upbeat’ to me implies happiness, and this song just doesn’t. It’s like a robotic ballet dancer: the performance may be perfect, but it just doesn’t seem to have soul.

Tim: Fair enough. I’m sure someone will be along soon enough to put a massive donk on it, so perhaps that’ll help you?

Tom: You know, that might actually work.

Tim: Great track, and let’s hope she’s not going anywhere, as this year’s Norwegian Eurovision entrant damn sure isn’t going to be able to replace her. There’s no need to link to it.

Say Lou Lou – Everything We Touch

“You’re not bored for all of it?”

Tim: Say Lou Lou are a Sweedish pair who, somehow, we’ve never covered; not to worry, though, as we can make things right with this, by far their best number to date.

Tim: The press release’s two killer words are ‘quietly devastating’, and that’s a weird way to describe a song.

Tom: Yep. That’s the kind of language you use to describe an excellent novel or a terrible diagnosis.

Tim: On the other hand, I can ever so slightly see where they’re coming from, but not in a great way, because the only ‘quietly’ bit is the first verse which is basically quiet in the sense that I’m slightly bored.

Tom: That feeling holds with me through most of the track. You’re not bored for all of it?

Tim: Absolutely not – I reckon the rest of it is brilliant, and will take the devastating to be a good thing, because I suppose language changes and all that. The melody is great, the production is great, the vocals are great – this is a great track, really.

Tom: I’m just not feeling it: I can see what they’re aiming for, but it just seems to plod, and end in a really unsatisfying way. I can’t fault the vocals or the production — it’s just the track itself.

Tim: Suit yourself – I love it.

Celeste Buckingham – I’m Not Sorry

“More than anything, what a brilliant voice.”

Tom: This got sent into us with the simple, one-word commentary: “Slovakia”.

Tim: I was upset when I saw they weren’t doing Eurovision this year, thinking back to the lovely I’m Still Alive. Then I remembered the more recent Don’t Close Your Eyes and thanked every god I’d ever heard of.

Tom: Now, I’ve not heard of her before, but clearly someone has, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a densely-referenced Wikipedia article.

Tim: Blimey. Alright then, let’s hope it’s worth it.

Tom: And that’s quite the Big Belter, isn’t it? Great production, great message, not a bad melody — but more than anything, what a brilliant voice.

Tim: It really really is. When I arrived at the first chorus, I had yet to be swayed over, hadn’t paid much attention and was all, ‘yeah, this is dull, move on.’ Then it kept going, and that voice really drew me in.

Tom: I reckon there’s a missed opportunity for a full-on BLAST return from the middle eight; just building it back up doesn’t seem to work as well. But that’s a minor complaint for a song like this. The repeat-until-fade at the end surprised me: I haven’t heard one of those in a pop song for a long time.

Tim: Yeah – that would be my minor complaint to your return from the middle eight. Not a deal-breaker, but it’d be nice if there was a proper finish. A good song, for International Women everywhere.

Saturday Reject: Niko – Here I Am Again

“This did very well in Sweden, so let’s do it all over again”

Tim: This here is a song that Latvia chose not to put through to Eurovision this year. Before you listen, though, I’d like you to listen to David Lindgren’s Melodifestivalen entry from last year, especially the chorus.

Tim: And to think we were surprised by Cascada last year. It’s quite something, isn’t it? Part of me thinks “sod off, dickhead, this is an entire rip-off”, but part of me admires their balls in doing this, and especially the way that he’s even kept some of the lyrics the same.

Tom: To be fair, they’re both a bit Till The World Ends, but yes – this is a bit closer than you might expect.

Tim: A bit? Mate, they’re practically in bed with each other. I don’t know if Niko wrote the song or if it was someone else, but the thought process was clearly “yes, this did very well in Sweden and they really know their stuff, so let’s do it all over again”.

Tom: And steal Daft Punk’s helmets while they’re at it.

Tim: Part of me, I must admit, wishes this had gone through, just so I could hear the howls of outrage that tens of thousands of fans would emanate. But still, we have a baking song. That’s good enough for me.

Tom: We… we have a what?

Tim: Oh yes – the winning song is called Cake to Bake, sung from the perspective of an incredibly adventurous guy (who’s designed the Great Wall of China, been to space and discovered Atlantis) suddenly presented with a WHOLE NEW CHALLENGE. The (wonderfully catchy) chorus line is “I’ve got a cake to bake, I’ve got no clue at all; I’ve got a cake to bake, I’ve never done this before,” and it’s significantly more enjoyable than this year’s other cake-themed entry.

Sval – Tidsfrist

‘I’m a sucker for a well-placed “heeey”.’

Tim: Melodi Grand Prix Junior is a Norwegian singing competition for kiddies, which in the past has been used to choose finalists for Junor Eurovision and MGP Nordic (sort of a Scandinavians-only Junior Eurovision), but nowadays is held just for the fun of it. Sval here won it in 2011 at the age of 12, and now, two and half years later she’s making a proper commercial debut.

Tim: And that’ll do me nicely.

Tom: I wasn’t sold on it until that chorus arrived – but then, I’m a sucker for a well-placed “heeey” sample.

Tim: It’s a good enough debut, and certainly an indicator of future potential. I like a good loud female pop singer, and while this isn’t truly massive or ground-breaking, or enough to get me properly excited to write lots of words about it, it’s certainly perfectly listenable.

Tom: Agreed. What’s it all about, then?

Tim: The lyrics, coming as they do with a perfectly acceptable lyric video, are all about her leaving it too late to tell someone she fancies him.

Tom: How breathtakingly original.

Tim: Indeed – just the tragedies of youth. Next, please.

Florida Georgia Line – This Is How We Roll

“Oh good grief”

Tom: What the hell? This isn’t your usual fare.

Tim: Well spotted. Remember how yesterday I said I was in the market for something big and bold? Turns out, American country rock is pretty much just what I was after.

Tom: Oh good grief, that’s every modern pop-country stereotype rolled into one. It doesn’t help that one of them looks like Trevor Moore.

Tim: Motorbikes, stunts, explosions, gratuitous shots of women leaning seductively against HGVs, I think the video gets it just right – very much a WE ARE MANLY message.

Tom: But the song! It’s awful! It’s all about how they’re young and successful; he’s sort-of rapping in a Southern accent; the hook is as simple as something can get. This is basically stereotypical 90s rap, filtered at high pressure through Nashville. Yes, it’s all HERE WE ARE and WE ARE MEN, but bloody hell, this ain’t a good song.

Tim: Well, possibly. Again back to the manly message, why it’s an important message for this band to get across is not a matter I’m qualified to speculate on, so all I’ll finish up by saying is that this is a nice loud track that I can and do enjoy right now. OK?

Tom: The worst part is, I’m probably going to be singing it for ages.

The Mizuna Greens – Remember Me

“It aims for Coldplay’s lighters-in-the-air style”

Tim: The nice thing about SoundCloud embedding things having waveforms is that they provide hope. I did, for example, choose not to give up after the chorus on this one, safe in the knowledge that there was more to come. And it was worth it.

Tim: Sure, it’s a nice gentle ballad right from the off, but right now I want something big and bold, and this Swedish pair were nice to provide it, eventually at least.

Tom: It took a while, though — it’s a strange mix of two genres, really, although they gel together better than I thought they would.

Tim: Yes, there was a sense of “oh, do hurry up”, but those big beats that came in for the first chorus were a nice temporary stopgap. What I’m really saying is that the opening minute or so is nice if you like a quiet ballad, and the last minute and a half or so is great whatever you want. It’s all good.

Tom: I feel like it aims for Coldplay’s lighters-in-the-air style and doesn’t quite make it: that said, Coldplay are a pretty high bar to meet and they get as far as I’d expect any indie group to get.

Jasmine Kara – Beautiful World

“That feels like I’m watching someone’s terrible holiday video.”

Tim: This here by Swede Jasmine is a video intended to delight all; it will in fact annoy and delight in roughly equal measure, and I’m roughly 80% annoyed by it. Tom, you probably don’t want to watch this.

Tom: That feels like I’m watching someone’s terrible holiday video.

Tim: This is, I suppose, meant to be a happy song about making the world better, but my word is that an annoying video (filmed, would you believe it, entirely on Jasmine’s phone).

Tom: Oh. I am watching someone’s terrible holiday video.

Tim: There’s a whole load of bullshit in the YouTube description, about how everybody she asked how to make the world a better place answered “we need love”. Now, unless New York has changed enormously since I’ve been there, she’s telling massive lies about the number of people who told her to piss off, but never mind.

I’d like to stop focussing on the negative points of the video, like the OH SO ORIGINAL AND FUNNY ‘Free Hugs’ sign and the several times that John Lennon’s assassination crops up, because it’s a nice track, it really is. But, God, what an awful failure of a video, with the clip of the guy about to propose that cuts off as he gets to being on one knee, or the out of focus shots of people two feet in front of the camera.

Tom: And hey, if you’re going to stop people downloading it off YouTube, why not completely ruin the audio too?

Tim: “Everything we do, we do for love, and everything we see and feel comes from love.” Bloody hell.

Tom: It’s not a bad track, I guess — after a minute or so I just moved it to a background tab — but it’s a bit like candyfloss, all style no substance. I mean, it’s candyfloss sung by someone with a great voice, but… hm. That analogy got away from me.

Tim: Little bit. Never mind. Yes, the video’s a nice idea, but execute it properly, please, because the song is great, and I really really wish the video didn’t ruin it.

Sanna Neilsen – Undo

“Hell, this has the chance of Big Pop Success.”

Tim: As with last year, the viewers and international juries disagreed on who should win Melodifestivalen; unlike last year, the viewers’ choice won out, so by 212 points to Ace Wilder’s 210, this is Sweden’s Eurovision entry.

Tom: Crikey, that is close. I maintain that Melodifestivalen has one of the best all-round scoring systems, well, anyway. I’ll be interested to see what it beat.

Tim: Pfft. The somehow runaway favourite that can be safely described as a bit above average.

Tim: A risky option, perhaps, as it takes a good time to go anywhere, but man, when it finally impacts at the second chorus – what an entrance.

Tom: Taking a slow builder to Eurovision isn’t always a good strategy. It is, ultimately, a schlager track and that might not go down well — when was the last time we had a winner with a key change? —

Tim: I’m well aware that was rhetorical, but: Serbia, 2007, which actually came with two.

Tom: — but hell, this has the chance of Big Pop Success.

Tim: It’s possible that the initial verse/chorus didn’t quite resonate with everybody, and while it’s good, three minutes of it really just wouldn’t do at Eurovision, which leaves us with an unusual power ballad, really, almost completely changing direction. It’s much for the better, because the second and final choruses are just glorious.

Tom: It reminds me a bit of Little Mix’s “DNA”, actually: quiet start, big chorus number — they didn’t have the key change, though.

Tim: Far be it from me to suggest cynically that this song was built around the interminable recaps that permeate every live music competition, but blimey, show the viewers that immense return from the middle eight enough times and they’re sure as hell not going to forget this track.

Tom: Could we be going back to Malmö next year? Can the Swedish broadcaster afford it? I guess we’ll find out in a few weeks.

Tim: Two asides: interestingly (or not), this is the second time Sanna’s been the public favourite but not the juries’ – last time was 2008 against Charlotte Perrelli’s Hero, which ultimately won out. And speaking of Charlotte Perrelli, have a look at Saturday’s opening act. Not necessarily for the music, but mainly for the cameras flying around in the middle bit – WHAT AN ARENA.

Saturday Reject: Linda Bengtzing – Ta mig

“Sweden, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Tim: Linda Bengtzing, schlager queen. Three years back, she pulled quite the shocker by coming first in her heat, then last in the final; she then swore off Melodifestivalen and said she’d never be back. She came back this year, and just missed out on a slot in Andra Chansen. With this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1vyPbu2zX8

Tim: Right, expletives ahead, as I’m emotional.

Tom: “Tired and emotional”?

Tim: Yeah, we’ll call it that. I mean, really. Just how the bollocks did that not get through? Sweden, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Tom: ‘Cos it’s a bit dull and repetitive? I mean, it’s good, but it’s not a classic.

Tim: OH COME ON. Admittedly it’s not Alla Flickor, but for a start, there was a totally SHITTING AWFUL track (dull song, very weak singer) that went through to Andra Chansen, and you kicked out THIS? I mean, WHY? It’s not even as if it’s “oh, it’s crappy camp schlager, we don’t like this”. It’s really an incredibly good pop track.

Tom: It’s okay. It goes on a bit, even at three minutes.

Tim: IT DOES NOT. Why the hell did you not vote it through? WHAT ON EARTH IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? I am actually tempted to GIVE UP. ENTIRELY. Sweden, YOU HAVE FAILED ME. I AM APPALLED. HOW VERY DARE YOU.

Tom: You realise we’re going there in a few weeks, right?

Tim: And I’ll probably still be upset.