Kristiina Wheeler – Muukalainen

“Starts out quiet; is in fact something of a builder.”

Tim: Starts out quiet; is in fact something of a builder.

Tom: Crikey, you’re not wrong there.

Tim: The title translates from Finnish to ‘Stranger’, though that’s in the ‘unknown person’ sense, rather than the ‘just bloody weird’ sense that the video would imply.

Tom: It is quite the video.

Tim: In fact, regarding the video, I don’t really have much time for people that wear such ridiculous levels of floral clothing, straight-up flowers and mystical headgear, and prance around doing curious wavy things with their hand, and end up floating around in front of the Doctor Who opening titles, mainly because I’m a bit worried they’re trying to put some sort of spell on me.

Tom: Now that implies you’ve had dealings with people who’ve done that before. What kind of communes have you been hanging out with?

Tim: I’m going to ignore (a) that question and (b) the load of hippy nonsense that is the video and that way I can concentrate on the really rather wonderful track.

As I said, it’s called Stranger, but beyond that I’ve got no idea what it’s about. I can speculate – instincts from the video would suggest it’s a ‘meet a new person, go and do magic rituals with them in the forest’ (and it’s 50-50 as to whether or not that’d be a euphemism) – but to be honest I’m not that bothered because I just love the music.

Tom: It’s one of the best examples of a ‘builder’ track that I’ve seen in a long while: listen to how the synths slowly join behind the guitar in those first thirty seconds. It ramps beautifully.

Tim: The way it builds from a slightly dull start to a proper, almost orchestral sounding banger of a second chorus in just a minute and a half without skipping a beat is, as far as I’m concerned, quite, quite brilliant. That it then carries that on for another ninety seconds is better yet, and here I think the fake ending middle eight is a lovely choice, because you only just get time to think “what, already?” before it’s returned in all its glory for a few more rounds. I love this track. A lot.

Tom: As do I.

Robin Stjernberg – You

“Sweden made the right choice.”

Tim: Sweden has chosen, and together with various international juries has come to the conclusion that this song is best placed to represent them in Malmö; out of the options we were given, I’m hard pressed to disagree with them.

Tom: Right. For the readers’ benefit: I was watching the Melodifestivalen final along with Tim, and after the last song I said something along the lines of “well, they’re not hosting it next year”.

Tom: I also mentioned “he looks like Jake Humphrey”. Because he does.

Tim: He does rather, yes.

The weird thing about this song is that when it first started I thought it was horribly dull. I’ve found I can judge an entry based on how much port I get through whilst it’s being played, and at twenty seconds in I was reaching to refill my glass. Five seconds later, I put the bottle straight back down and tweeted: “UNEXPECTED DROP”; that was shortly followed by “This chorus is at least 17 times better than I first thought it would be.”

I stand by that, because it was my favourite of the songs in the final (even if it did have to go via Andra Chansen to get there) and I’m glad it won.

Tom: Yep. Sweden made the right choice. And I’ve finally realised what it reminds me of: a more poppy, male version of Florence and the Machine. You’ve got the full-on instrumentation behind a soaring voice that switches between notes as part of a long, soaring vocal line.

Tim: Actually, that’s right – I’d not thought to make that comparison but it’s a pretty good one.

Builders often don’t work at Eurovision, Melodifestivalen and the like – with only three minutes and one performance, they have to either be very noticeable once they arrive or very quick to build. This one isn’t so much of the latter, but it certains meets all the requirements for the former. There’s no doubting that he gives it all he’s got, the fireworks in the background create a proper moment, and the chorus line is infectious enough that you’re able to sing along by the end of it. This is a good entrant, and while it’s almost certainly not a Eurovision winner I reckon it’ll still do well.

Tom: Top third, maybe top quarter of the table.

Tim: Final note: I don’t think we can let this go without mentioning his reaction to the result, because the expression on his face as he discovers he’s won (and the subsequent very obvious expletive) is a joy to behold.

Saturday Reject: Ben Ivory – The Righteous Ones

“I’m not sure what it was that made me really like it”

Tim: This is from Germany, and it was one of my favourite tracks of the night. Quick warning: it’s straight-up drum’n’bass, so I wasn’t initially going to post it, but since you brought us Hadouken! yesterday, I figured why not.

Tom: Hey, there’s plenty of good drum and bass out there. There’s plenty of crap drum and bass, too. Which one’s this?

Tom: Okay, I hate to be the genre-pedant, but I’m not sure this is drum and bass. Let’s stick with ‘electronica’, or just ‘pop’. This ain’t got a patch on Pendulum.

Tim: Fair enough. That’s the actual video for the song, there; the Unser Song Für Malmö performance left a bit to be desired, as the vocal wasn’t quite as intense as it should have been, although it was proper lasers o’clock in the arena.

Tom: I want a laser-based alarm clock now. 8am, time to wake up, BEDROOM RAVE.

Tim: I’m not sure what it was that made me really like it – partly it was the lasers, and partly it was the Revenge of the Nerds vibe to the lyrics. Mostly, though, I think it was just that I was in the get-up-and-jump-around mood for drum’n’bass – I’d been slightly over-excited since I realised the ridiculousness of starting my Valentine’s Day evening watching the German business news (and since you ask, Nestlé stocks were on the way up, and there was something about Heinz as well).

Tom: Interesting. Can’t say I’m feeling it myself – is it the same for you now you’re not “in the moment”, so to speak?

Tim: Actually, yes – watching it back three weeks later I can’t get quite as excited about it, but I still think it’s a good track, and I’d actually have quite liked to see it in Malmö – it’d certainly have been more interesting than Cascada.

Hadouken! – Levitate

“I want this played over very loud speakers.”

Tom: First things first: I read the first line of the lyric video as “heart in my mouth butt” and now I can’t get it out of my head.

Tim: Oh, why would you do that? And why would you mention it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEN23fZ6kRY

Tom: Anyway, Hadouken. Heavy, danceable, almost uncategorisable tracks with synths and guitars that sound a bit like it could – like their name – be straight out of a video game. This isn’t a massive change in direction for them – and I’m thankful for that, ‘cos it’s a damn good track.

Tim: Hmm. If I could be bothered, I’d be happy to draw a graph of how my enjoyment varied throughout the course of it. We go from ‘mild’ throughout the intro, to ‘very high’ for the first vocal section, down a bit for the next instrumental, way further down for the second instrumental bit, and fluctuating further, in both directions, throughout the rest of the song.

Tom: There’s more than a bit of Pendulum’s sound in here – not surprising, since they supported them on tour a couple of years ago. If nothing else, this is a melting pot of genres that just… works. I want this played over very loud speakers, and I want to be dancing like an idiot to it.

Tim: Yes. Loud speakers, dancing like an idiot, I could like this a lot.

Bonnie Tyler – Believe In Me

“Bonnie Tyler. BONNIE SHITTING TYLER.”

Tim: Bonnie Tyler. BONNIE SHITTING TYLER.

Tom: That’s actually her middle name. She had to change it after losing a bar bet in the mid-90s. True story.

Tim: The BBC has, it turns out, not learned any lessons from last year, and is intent on sending another singer from the past. “Oh, but it’s Bonnie Tyler!” they’ll say. “Everyone loves Bonnie Tyler!” And we’ll say, “Really? Go on then, if she’s so great, name three of her songs.” And they’ll say, “Three? Are you sure you want three?” And we’ll say “Yes, three, please.” And they’ll say “Oh, come on, she’s brilliant! There was Holding Out For A Hero, and Total Eclipse Of The Heart, and, and, and, oh come on, she’s brilliant!”

But hey – I’ve written all that before hearing the song. My instincts may be wrong. I seriously hope they’re wrong.

Tom: “You just curse the rain / you say” at 0:24. “Crawling by” at 1:34. Either there’s been some complete screwup on the production side – which I can’t rule out – or there’s an incredible amount of autotune on those lyrics.

Whichever it is, that doesn’t bode well.

Tim: Really? I can’t hear anything wrong, there. At least, not with those bits. For the rest of it, I’ll say this: it’s not as awful as last year. Not by a long way. It’s pretty bad as a Eurovision entry, and it doesn’t stand a chance against people like Cascada and Emmelie de Forest (Denmark’s entry), and it’ll probably even take a back seat Finland’s wedding dress lady, but it’s not as bad as last year.

Tom: Aye, I’ll go with that. It’s actually a respectable Eurovision entry – not necessarily a memorable one or a Top 10 finisher, but it’s respectable.

Tim: Perhaps, until you remember what Eurovision should be, because part of me thinks the BBC has forgotten. Whatever your feelings about it – and there are people who like it, because it is a decent song – this is absolutely not a British pop song. Sure, it’s got the melody of it about right – there’s probably plenty of blame to go around, but I don’t think you could lay it at the writer’s feet, not when he’s got a pedigree including Livin’ On A Prayer, Livin’ La Vida Loca and Waking Up In Vegas.

Tom: That makes sense: produce it differently and this could be a Katy Perry album track.

Tim: But man, Bonnie Tyler? I mean, maybe she’s still got the moves, but a big name from three and a half decades ago just isn’t enough, and you’d have thought that they’d have learnt that this year. Where did the idea that “old people are great” cone from? Maybe their cry is that young people aren’t interested in it and don’t want to compete, but if Twitter’s anything to go by people do care, and aren’t really all that happy.

So here’s a thought (and I’m aware I’m by no means the first person to come up with this): BBC. You have a big international music competition that you put a lot of money into each year, so you want people to get into it. You also have a national music competition that you put a lot of money into each year, that you really really want people to get into. Why not merge the two? Seriously, it would give The Voice a purpose beyond being “the BBC’s answer to The X Factor”, it would give a lot more people a reason to watch it, and the winner wouldn’t come out of it with nothing but a winner’s single that didn’t even make the top 40.

Tom: Or somehow get One Direction to do it. That’d guarantee us a win.

Tim: I’m fairly sure you’re saying that as a joke, but now you mention it: what would they lose by doing it?

Duvchi – Whole Life Tour

“Actually makes me sit up and listen.” (With BONUS PR Bullshit Bingo!)

Tim: Alright, three songs in three days.

Tom: Another one to compare to the Sound of Arrows?

Tim: I quite like that, so I don’t want to say anything nasty about it.

Tom: Out of our recent run of sort-of-electropop tracks, I’d say this is probably my favourite. It’s a track that actually makes me sit up and listen – unusual instrumentation, an ethereal voice, and deep bass percussion that keeps my attention on it. More like this, please – although possibly with a better ending.

Tim: Oh, don’t get me wrong – it’s quite good, but to be honest it’s a bit melancholy for the mood I’m now, though, so how about we have a bit of fun instead, with a nice game of PR Bullshit Bingo?

Standards to look for are:

  • ruthless over-enthusiasm.
  • an intense description of the artist’s almost superhuman abilities.
  • words that mean pretty much nothing.
  • potentially negative ideas presented as positives.
  • ten words when one would do.
  • the implication that no-one’s ever done this before.
  • the near-certainty that it will win everything.

Anything I’ve missed?

Tom: I think you’ve covered most of it.

Tim: Good good, so let’s see what his Facebook page says: “You know how people talk about uncompromising pop? Duvchi is just that – in it’s purest form. It is passionate and lavish, whilst fragile and unassuming. Boldly arranged tracks meets timeless harmonies and form a space of melancholic warmth that quickly spellbinds and becomes a kind of instant find. Music you could see chart-topping.”

Tom: Crikey, I can’t read that. My eyes keep skipping over it.

Tim: Special, isn’t it? Let’s count up.

I think “uncompromising pop in it’s purest form” satisfies counts 1 and 6, the use of “whilst” immediately brings us 4, “becomes a kind of instant find” answers 3, and in fact that whole middle sentence could be easily be cut by ninety percent, so that’s 5. And, obviously, we’ve got the last at the end. All we’re missing is something like this for item 2 and we’d have a full house, but six out of seven’s not bad.

Tom: Not a bad run at all.

Tim: Actually, scratch that – I’ve just noticed that he also describes himself as “the singing conductor”. HOUSE.

W&I – Love Divine

You could get distracted and it would all just wash over you in a wonderfully pleasing way

Tim: This, from a new Swedish duo, will be the second song in two days to get a Sound of Arrows comparison, but here it’s because of what it is, rather than because we’re not sure what it is.

Tim: It’s a song where, if you weren’t careful, you could get distracted and it would all just wash over you in a wonderfully pleasing way but without you really noticing it – the first time you’d realise would be when it finished and there was a sudden void and you’d vaguely remember what you were missing.

Tom: Funny thing is, that’s pretty much exactly what happened to me. I switched back in during that odd, discordant middle eight, though – and then realised that I was supposed to be listening to the whole song. I still had trouble staying focused on it.

Tim: But you shouldn’t get distracted, because this is a song that really does deserve to be listened to properly. It’s that relaxing quality that’s one of the best things about it – It’s lovely, it’s charming, you can sit back and let it sink in to you and relax you, like some sort of aural drug. It’s delightful.

Tom: That’s true. Personally, I’d prefer something that would hold my attention a bit more, but to each their own.

Tim: Also, up until recently I’d have complained about the fade-out ending, as is my wont, but I met someone a few days ago who postulated that fade-out endings were good, because they come with a sense of “always leave them wanting more”.

Tom: How so?

Tim: He made the point that if a song just ends there’s a temptation for the listener to think “Right, that’s that,” whereas if it just fades out, there’s more of a desire to hit play all over again so it keeps going. Obviously if the song’s good enough you shouldn’t need that encouragement – here I wouldn’t – but I can at least appreciate one reason for them now, even if I do still think they’re a lazy way to finish.

The Arctic Wife – Constancia

“Just works.”

Tim: Remember when we first encountered The Sound of Arrows, we had trouble pinning them down to a particular genre? Well, see if you can do any better with this. According to the PR e-mail, they’re “drawing music and cultural inspiration from their Swedish and British roots” and the song “infuses a melancholic and extroverted sound with references to bands ranging from Arcade Fire to Roxette,” so see what you think.

Tom: I was all ready to start complaining about PR rubbish and how that was just a series of vague sentences… and then I heard the intro.

Tim: At which, presumably, you just sat back and enjoyed it.

He’s a Brit called Charlie who does the producing; she’s a Dane called Maja who does the singing, and I think they’re both very good at their jobs.

Tom: Agreed. There’s something special about this track: the way the piano’s never hidden despite the massive amount of instruments, percussion and production; the sheer energy that goes into it all.

Tim: I say I’m not sure how to describe it, and I’m not, largely because it’s got bits of everything from, well, from Roxette to Arcade Fire in it. But I don’t mind – a bit of a mish-mash it may be, but it’s a good one with a good sense of cohesion to it that just works.

Tom: The lyrics are odd, to say the least – there’s something about swallowing basketballs in there, I think, but as long as I don’t pay too much attention to them the track seems pretty much amazing.

Tim: Also from the lyrics: “Is this the meltdown of our golden days?” we’re asked, and I’m compelled to answer that I really hope not, because this is great.

Saturday Reject: Amanda Fondell – Dumb

It’s not hard to see why it came seventh.

Tim: This is good. Very good. But it’s not hard to see why it came seventh in its Melodifestivalen heat.

Tim: I spent at least the first ninety seconds, maybe even two minutes, of this trying to work out what was going on. Not that it’s particularly weird – it’s just so dark that it really just doesn’t seem right. The cracked mirrors, the spikes on her fingers, the expression on her face that’s a mix of deranged and psychopathic. The minor key, the underlying strings that come from a horror film soundtrack.

Tom: You know, I think I could really like this track if it wasn’t for that “dun-dun-dun-dun” in the chorus. That sticks out like a rusty upturned nail on a park bench. And perhaps that middle-eight, where she sounds a bit like a low-rent Bjork. The rest of the track’s cracking, though.

Tim: It’s not particularly surprising – this is, after all, the same singer who provided us with Bastard, wonderfully insulting but not remotely happy – but it sticks out emotionally so much that once you’ve zoned out to it and are able to appreciate it it’s pretty much finished. Technically that means it’s a good thing that it got knocked out, as it would probably bomb in Malmö, but it’s really a shame because it is a fantastic track that was just misplaced.

Agreed: that bell-filled final chorus is amazing, but it’d never take Eurovision.

Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera – Feel This Moment

Eurodance.

Tom: I know, I know, it’s Pitbull. It’s going to be awful.

Tim: Hmm. The thing is, and bear in mind we all know how much I loathe the term ‘guilty pleasure’: Don’t Stop The Party does come bloody close for me. It’s a terrible piece of music, and the rapping’s awful, but when the chorus comes on I can’t stop myself, well, having a good time. I’M SORRY.

Tom: But it looks like this’ll be the next single, and I mention it for a few reasons.

First: this sounds pretty close to old-school Eurodance, and considering it’s a massive American track, that’s pretty rare.

And second: everything apart from Pitbull is absolutely amazing.

Tim: Hmm. Definitely just Don’t Stop The Party.

Tom: Seriously, isn’t that brilliant? Put a club edit out without Pitbull, and that’d be one of the Eurodance tracks of the year for me.

Tim: You’re not far wrong – it is pretty good, largely because it sticks to a tried and tested formula.

Tom: Sample a well-known 80s track, add a whole new melody on top of it, get a fantastic vocalist to perform it, and then make it a PROPER BANGING CHOON.

Tim: Exactly – get all those steps right, and you’ve likely got a hit on your hands.

Tom: For crying out loud, there’s even a subtle 8-bit breakdown after the last vocal line.

It’s just a pity about Pitbull, really.

Tim: Yes. Yes, it really is.