Tim: Let’s bring in 2013 with a good example of what pop music should be.
Tom: A bold claim. What are you bringing to the table?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HmoV8BWSRQ
Tim: Decent chorus, catchy ‘vibe’ (people still say that, right?)
Tom: Nope.
Tim: Oh.
Tom: You’re right, though – I can’t say the melody grabs me, but it’s certainly happy. Although “I won’t let you smash it again” does sound a bit dodgy out of context.
Tim: It’s an upbeat sound despite the negative message, and…well, it’s good. Honestly, there’s not a lot more that I can think to say about this, though that’s not a bad thing – there’s certainly nothing wrong with it. Given all this, and the extra bit of effort she puts in for the closing section, I will give it something like 69%.
Tom: Where the hell have I heard this before, Tim?
Tom: Because I swear I know this from somewhere.
Tim: You do, or at least you know the intro and chorus bass line. Here. (Go on. Listen to that in full. You know you want to.)
Tom: Hmm. I’m not so sure about that – to me, it sounds like classic Pet Shop Boys. It could be a forgotten single dredged out of their 1980s period. And I mean that as a compliment. Somehow, that introduction melody strikes a connection in my head that I didn’t even know was there, and I don’t think it’s Lady Gaga. Given how much we’ve thought their recent singles were unimpressive… this seems to nail it.
Tim: Well, it’s alright. I don’t think it’s anywhere near as good as Winner – the chorus is good, but the verses leave me wanting more, and the fade-out ending’s as much a disappointment as ever. Another part of that may also be because all I want to do now is listen to Bad Romance on repeat, which I might actually go and do now.
Tom: Also, there’s a version with a full orchestra from their BBC Radio 2 concert, which does add a certain something.
Tim: WOAH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH OH-OH-OH BORN IN A BAD ROMANCE. RA-RA-RA-A-AHH, ROMA, ROMA-AH.
“Beats listening to a tramp wailing into a microphone.”
Tim: James Arthur, winner of The X Factor 2012, released a cover of this as his winner’s single, but we really needn’t go any further with that one.
Tom: Because of the Curse?
Tim: There is that, but there’s also the fact that it’s just bloody awful. Fortunately, this is quite good instead.
Tim: Isn’t it? Yes, you spend the first chorus hoping it’ll eventually get somewhere, but then when the second chorus comes along and it does get somewhere it’s really quite nice to listen to; it sure as hell beats listening to a tramp wailing into a microphone for three and a half minutes.
Tom: A Cursed Tramp, no less.
Tim: Well, quite.
Tom: You’re right, though: this track takes a while to get there – and there’d be an argument to say that first verse and chorus is a bit superfluous – but when it does finally arrive it’s been worth the journey.
Tim: Outside the UK, where she’s had two hits, she’s largely a one-hit wonder (or, given her first album’s title of Shontelligence, a Shone-hit wonder, HAHAHA), which I suppose isn’t much of a shame, as far as we’re concerned, as there are plenty of people like her, but this is a perfectly decent record and worthy of being listened to at least a couple of times.
And if you’re wondering, yes, I did bring up the success of her career purely to make that Shone-hit wonder ‘joke’.
Tim: A nice dreamy little number for you, in case you’re feeling worn out by a hefty week of feasting, partying or arguing.
Tom: Nice job covering all the bases there.
Tim: And, rest. That’s a lovely little tune, isn’t it? Calm, relaxing, ever so slightly hypnotic, drifting and falling over you as you lie on the floor, either utter exhausted or horrifically angry from the events of the past few days.
Tom: It is: with enough drums in it to keep it interesting. It’s not all soothing choirs and synths – and that return from the middle eight is beautiful. Full marks for taking two of the oldest camera tricks in the book – slow motion and reverse – and combining them with bubbles to make something rather stunning.
Tim: Stunning is the right word there. I don’t know much about this Suvi person, other than that she’s Stockholm-based and has a surname of Richter, but for now, that’s enough. Because this music’s just what I want right now, and I’ll take it just as it is.
Tom: We keep covering Credibility Cardle’s singles as if they’ll get anywhere.
Tim: ‘We’ do? I don’t think I’ve ever brought one of his to the table. The only way I know he’s still alive is your consistent posting of every track. You’re not on his mailing list or something, are you?
Tom: Don’t worry, I’ve not gone off the deep end.
Tim: Good, because if there’s one thing I could never forgive you for, it’d be being on Matt Cardle’s mailing list.
Tom: It’s interesting – they’re still tracked by the music business because of his history, but the last three didn’t trouble the top 40; heck, two of them didn’t trouble the top 150. Which seems a shame, because he has that nice-guy look around him.
Tim: Ah, the Cheapest Video Method Ever™. Always a good sign.
Tom: But the singles are only ever sort-of-good. With the exception of his winner’s song – a cover – they’ve all been just OK. He’s talented, he’s got a voice that vaguely reminds me of Bruno Mars, and there’s nothing wrong with the music. He will no doubt maintain a core of dedicated fans for years, tour the country successfully, and attain more than most aspiring stars will.
It’s just that… well, he won the X Factor. Olly Murs didn’t manage that. One Direction didn’t manage that. Shouldn’t he be the one breaking America?
Tim: Absolutely not. It’s the Curse, you see. The Curse of The X Factor Male Winner, which takes the form of a destiny. A destiny in which there is never a second number one, and only very rarely a third top 20 hit. Never a second Syco album, and never a sell-out tour. An arena tour? You must be joking.
You’ll be invited back to the show once, to perform your first ‘proper’ single, already destined for obscurity. And then you’ll be forgotten about, and erased from history, as far as the producers are concerned. Erased and forgotten about, like a bowel movement from the day before yesterday. And about as welcome.
Tom: (Oh, the song? It’s OK, I guess.)
Tim: Doesn’t matter what the song’s like. That’s the tragedy of the Curse.
Tim: One Direction seem to have a thing: decent pop song, crappy ballad, decent song, crappy ballad, repeat until we’ve just got the album tracks. Following on from a ballad so awful I’m not even going to utter its name —
Tom: I believe you referred to it as a “pile of bollocks”, which I corrected to the technically-accurate “sack of bollocks”.
Tim: — is this, which repeats this album’s message of LET’S HAVE SEX.
Tim: Before we get started, if that rubbish effortless lyric video hasn’t annoyed you enough already, go back to the middle eight and count the “na”s. Go on. I’ll wait.
Tom: Actually, I was about to mention that straight away. I swear the designer just did that to annoy pedants.
Tim: So, once again, we’re left with no doubts as to what’s on these guys’ minds: “If you don’t wanna take it slow, if you just wanna take me home, baby say ‘yeah, yeah, yeah'”. Nor is there much pretence of an emotional connection, with “I just wanna show you off to all of my friends”.
Tom: Also, whichever lyricist put “chinny chin chins” in there needs to be fired. Or shot. I know their audience is teenage girls, but surely not still young enough to care about nursery rhymes? That’s just wrong.
Tim: Perhaps, but who cares about their attitudes? They’re young guys, and they want some hot bedroom action. I’m just looking forward to their next album, which’ll presumably focus on the “Oh God, what disease have I got now?” stage of the horny young person’s life.
Tom: Surely some punk band’s done an album where all the songs are named after STIs?
Tim: Don’t know, but it would generate some interesting fan conversations: “So dude, what do you think of that new one, Chlamydia?” “Not bad – definitely better than Herpes, but I still don’t think they’ll improve on Genital Warts.”
Tim: You think it’s not a ‘proper song’*, it’s a radio feature, born purely of the realisation that there haven’t really been any enduring Christmas songs since the early 1990s (except possibly The Darkness’ one). So, the idea went, let’s make one. Let’s get guests in to talk about what it should be. Let’s imbue it with every single thing a Christmas song should have. And thus, it was made.
* Quite what qualifies as a proper song these days, though, is a lengthy discussion for another time.
Tom: And thus, it was crap.
Tom: …wait, that’s not actually that bad. What? Ah: it’s Frisky and Mannish who’ve written it. That makes sense.
Tim: Well, sort of – music by them, words by Scott and Chris and Beccy off his show. Anyway, the tricks: sleigh bells: yes. Church bells: yes. Appalling and brilliant pun: yes.
Tom: Yeah, I’ll give them that pun. It’s a good pun.
Tim: Smidgen of innuendo: yes. Nod to the fact that some people aren’t happy: yes. Snippets of conversation: yes.
Tom: No. That doesn’t help anything. I don’t care what the song is: it didn’t work for Gareth Gates and the Kumars, it doesn’t work anywhere.
Tim: You say that, but Mel & Kim’s version of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree was about fifty per cent conversational, and that did alright. But still more: gentle key change: yes. Shouty bit from Noddy Holder: yes. And once you add in a piss-take of Band Aid 20’s rapping, I don’t think there’s anything missing. This is, much like the subject of the song, the perfect Christmas single. Textbook, to the letter. And lovely.
Tom: Look, it’s Christmas. I’ll try not to be too grumpy. Can I just say “it’s not as bad as I thought” and leave it at that?
Tom: Well, it seems only fitting that since we discussed the Killers’ previous Christmas single on Saturday, we should discuss the current one on this Christmas Eve. Again, the profits go to Project Red.
Tom: Now that was a bit darker than last year. A motorbike-riding, eggnog-swilling, grenade-chucking Santa hunting down the Killers. It ain’t exactly Christmas robots and a cowboy ball, is it?
Tim: Not really, no. In fact, not by a hell of a long way.
Tom: But you know what this reminds me of? Chris Rea. I mean that in a good way: have a listen to the wonderful Looking For The Summer and tell me that they don’t match in style.
Tim: No, they do, but that doesn’t make it a nice happy Christmas song, which is what I’d prefer to this almost-as-miserable-as-Mud track.
Tom: And while I may not enjoy it quite as much as last year’s light-and-fluffy offering… well, it’s still fun, and I still like it. Well done, the Killers.
Tim: Fun? FUN? Are you serious? It’s one of the most downbeat Christmas songs I’ve heard. How it is possibly fun?
Tom: Oh, come on, the video’s got Santa with candy-cane nunchucks.
Tim: Slightly-known festive music fact: every year since 2006, The Killers have released a Christmas track with profits going to the Product Red campaign. Very good of them, and this one’s from last year.
Tim: And isn’t that just brilliant?
Tom: Oh, my word, that’s lovely. I like everything about that. It still sounds like the Killers despite also being country-and-western and Christmassy.
My two complaints – and they’re a very minor ones – are: one, that no-one seems to know where the apostrophe goes in the title…
Tim: Hmm…
Tom: …and two, that the tinkly glockenspiel bit sounds like it’s always going to go off into some traditional Christmas tune, and never quite does.
Tim: Yes, both very minor.
Tom: But I only mention those because I can’t think of anything else to say other than “just lovely”. Those last four lines and the ‘boom-boom’ at the end? THEY’RE JUST LOVELY.
Tim: Wow – do you know, I think that’s the first time any track on here has got you excited enough to shout about it. I’m impressed.
The lyrics are all taken from a poem off the 19th century that describes, well, a Cowboys’ Christmas Ball, and I reckon the music they’ve provided more than does justice to such a triumphant event. Strangely enough, the 1890 text doesn’t mention any sort of alien robots at all, but never mind because personally I’d far rather be at a party with alien robots than without, given the option, especially if they’ve all just saved us from the bad guys.
Tim: It’s the middle of December – what better time is there to release a CLUB BANGER?
Tom: I think “any other time of the year”, but if they’re brave enough: let’s see what they’ve got.
Tom: Right, it’s an artsy video then. It’s got credits.
Tim: Not only that, but it’s “based on a true story…”, although what that story might be is anyone’s guess, as there really doesn’t appear to be much of a narrative here.
Anyway, I say CLUB BANGER, and it sort of is – there’s a hell of a bass line there, which is all you really need. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot else.
Tom: You’re right: I had to listen to this three times, because I tuned out about half way through and got distracted by something else.
Tim: During the first vocal-less bit, I rather appreciated the tune there was – even if the bass was a bit uninspiring and the vocal section were a bit dull, at least it had a vaguely decent bit. Then the second time came around, and it…well, it wasn’t boring, but it only really got interesting towards the very end, when we got her singing and the big dance underneath.
Tom: Still, I recognise a few of the locations in the video, so there’s that. I guess.
Tim: Yes, yes there is that, and that’ll make up for it when I’m listening some time, and thinking “This tune’s a bit dull, isn’t it? Ooh, but it does have some recognisable shots in the video, though.”
So, rating for this month’s token club track: 5/10, could do better.
