Saturday Flashback: Magnus Carlsson – Wrap Myself In Paper

Where the hell was the key change?

Tim: We’ll finish the Christmas week with this 2006 track. According to the lyrics, we should do this on the 17th, but this year that’s a Monday; needless to say I’m incredibly annoyed I forgot to do this as a Saturday Flashback last year.

Tim: Let’s get the disappointment out of the way first: that was so clearly building up to a key change, so where the hell was it?

Tom: Musical blueballs, Tim. And I’m not sure, but I think the 90s just came back to haunt me. Talk about ghosts of Christmas past. That’s not a bad thing – I just reckon it was about a decade too late.

Tim: Mr Carlsson has recorded a number of Christmas covers (notably of Mariah Carey and John Lennon), but this is his first original track, and it comes with such a disturbing idea that I’m really rather glad he didn’t do another.

Tom: Oh good, I’m glad it wasn’t just me that picked that out.

Tim: Good lord, no. Dedication to your loved one is all well and good, but he’s going to be wrapped up under the tree for eight days. No food, no water. And to be honest, however much he may want to provide her with a perfect present what with all his love and all that, his rotting carcass is probably not what she’s going to expect, or really appreciate.

Tom: The worst part is that “It’s Christmas in a week and a day” could easily be replaced by “just one day”, or even “Christmas is just hours away” or something like that. I know songs don’t have to make sense, but this is more noticeable than most.

Tim: “Did you get what you were hoping for?” “Sort of – my boyfriend promised his everlasting love, which was nice and all that, but now I’ve got his corpse to keep forever, and it’s starting to smell a bit, so am I allowed to throw it out?”

Elisa’s – Christmas Is Here

“This. Is. Lovely. Like, cry your eyes out lovely. “

Tim: This. Is. Lovely. Like, cry your eyes out lovely.

Tom: Tim has now reached the stage of Emotional Drunk. He’s probably going to tell me that I’m his besht mate by the end of this review.

Tim: Oh, isn’t it just JOYOUS? Yes, there’s the Band Aid-style “we’re not all fortunate” idea, but let’s do our best to ignore that, because I am CRYING with happiness at the Christmas is lovely, so here comes the key change.* It’s SO WONDERFUL.

*Though I might also be crying with the final realisation that my liver is slowly but irreversibly degenerating.

Tom: This song is basically calculated to hit every possible emotional button. It even sort-of works on me, and I’m about as bitter-hearted a cynic as you can get round here.

Tim: This is, I suppose, the idea of this sort of song. It’s great, we have Christmas, we have lovely music, but we have to remember there are people who don’t. But I say, yes there are. But I BOUGHT THE BAND AID SONG. So I am ALLOWED TO ENJOY MYSELF. And so there are two ways to proceed; let’s do a text-based flowchart:

  1. Have you done anything vaguely charitable in the past twelve months? YES: move to 3. NO: continue.
  2. Click here, then pay a massive 79p. Move to 3.
  3. ENJOY CHRISTMAS.

You can now morally reject the scaremongering. You can HAVE FUN. You can WEEP TEARS OF JOY at this BEAUTIFUL SONG. Give presents, and LOVE THAT KEY CHANGE. AND JUST LOVE EVERYTHING. EVERYONE. WE’RE ALL AMAZING. WOOOOHOOOO.

Tom: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Alphabeat – X-mas (Let’s Do It Again)

Sleighbells and all sorts. It’s lovely.

Tim: Right – I’m on to a new bottle over here, how are you doing?

Tom: Considering taking it up.

Tim: You should, it’s wonderful. Now, I got to see this lovely band on tour last week, and they really do put on a stonking (yep) performance. There’s only one criticism I have: they didn’t play this.

Tim: Disappointing: the use of ‘X-mas’ in the title, and the fade out ending. It’s really not hard to write a convincing end to a song, so can’t you at least try?

Tom: Also, the synth is a blatant style-rip from Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime”, which – let’s face it – is pretty much the worst Christmas song to rip off the style from.

Tim: Also notable about that song: “simply” is in the wrong place in that line for it to mean what he means. Think about it.

Tom: I’m not trusting your Drunk Logic, but now you’ve pointed it out: that “simply” is just meaningless in context. It’s not being compared to anything. It’s just there to fill in two beats. God damn it, McCartney, this is the “in which we live in” from Live and Let Die all over again.

Tim: But appointing (I know that’s not the reverse of disappointing, but it should be): the rest of it. Sleighbells and all sorts. It’s lovely. A traditional Alphabeat song – even if it’s not got the most upbeat message, it’s still sung in a very happy way, and for anybody listening casually all it’ll do is reinforce the Christmas spirit. JOYOUS.

Unfortunately, as I said, it’s not got the most upbeat message. We started this week with “I love Christmas” and (probably) “I love you lots, wait a sec”, but now we’ve a Pogues-style “our relationship kind of sucks but it’s Christmas so let’s not split up”. There are two ways to interpret that: the charitable way is “I know you’re about to dump me, but don’t, because this should be a happy time”. That’s all well and good – happy, festive, all that. Just what we want from Alphabeat. And what we’ve got.

Tom: That’s charitable? That sounds like a bloody awful Christmas to me.

Tim: Charitable if we’re discussing the singer’s meaning. Compare it to the alternative subtext, which I’m almost ashamed came to me: “I know you’re about to dump me, but if we stay together you’ll have to get me a present and I, knowing you’re about to dump me, will happily get you a crap one. I win.”

I’M SORRY. I’m sure that’s not how the song works. THE SONG IS LOVELY. I LIKE IT.

Tom: I think Tim’s starting to sob into his port now, readers.

Dragonette – Merry Xmas (Says Your Text Message)

Here’s something a bit more promising.

Tim: I’ll be honest: while this does come with the obligatory sleigh bells, it’s not quite as enthusiastic about the festive season as the past couple of tracks have been.

Tom: It’s something a bit more promising. Dragonette’s best known for providing the vocals on Martin Solveig’s “Hello”, so at least this should sound decent.

Tom: You know, I think I actually like this, aside from that clunky “X-mas” bit – I understand why it’s there. And that’s a clever bit of censorship, too.

Tim: Sleigh bells have previously been used to indicate joy, festivity and general wellbeing; as far as I know, this is the first time they’ve been used to cover up obscenities, and for that reason alone I’m halfway to loving this track.

Tom: Of this week’s suggestions, I think it’s my favourite.

Tim: Figures. Miserable git.

Tom: That’s doesn’t mean I actively like it – it’s no Hurts – but it’s listenable.

Tim: It’s not as happy as the last two – it’s a Christmas breakup song, with all the disappointment that entails – but despite that, it still seems remarkably upbeat and happy. I think that might be a Titanix-glockenspiel effect, though – after all, how can something possibly sound downbeat when it’s going at 130 sleigh bells per minute?

Timoteij – Jag Kommer Hem Till Jul

“Still on the port, Tim?”

Tim: Let’s have another!

Tom: I should be clear here: as Tim Drunkenly Rants About Christmas Songs Week continues, I’m not just playing the cynical, bitter straight man for the hell of it. I really am cynical and bitter. Every damned producer releases a horrible cash-in Christmas track, and they’ve scarcely got any thought behind them.

Right. Deep breath. Onward. Still on the port, Tim?

Tim: Certainly am. Lovely stuff.

Tim: Now, annoyingly, I haven’t a clue what the lyrics mean, although I can tell you that the title translates to “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”, which is nice. My initial thought was to, quite sensibly, assume that it’s a direct translation of Bing Crosby’s 1943 wartime classic.

Tom: I think that’s unlikely somehow, given that’s it’s a completely different song.

Tim: Well, you say that, but I’m not convinced.

I do think that that would make it a bit depressing, though, and really doesn’t fit with the sleigh bells and all that, so I’ll reluctantly change my mind and assume it’s an original track with the basic meaning being “missing you at the moment, but it’s going to be awesome, and I’ll be there.”

Tom: And even I have to admit that it succeeds at that: it is nice, and well sung, and pleasant. In a world where Stop the Cavalry can be a Christmas classic, there’s no reason this couldn’t be.

Tim: It’s lovely. There’s no big overstated key change like yesterday – obviously there is one, but it’s presented calmly and gently. We’ve got a nice festive ballad which works perfectly well, and would fit wonderfully behind a video of gift-giving. Behind a video of a gym workout, not so much, but let’s just ignore that, shall we?

Tom: Hey, you work with the footage you have. Bit of a creepy stare at the camera right at the end, though.

Happy Hoes – Happy Ho Ho Ho

It’s the start of Tim Drunkenly Rants About Christmas Songs Week.

Tom: Brace yourselves, readers: it’s the start of Tim Drunkenly Rants About Christmas Songs Week here on Europlop. I’ll do my best to keep him in check.

Tim: No ranting here – CHRISTMAS IS GREAT, so let’s go! Barely three weeks to go, the festive songs are out in force; let’s have a listen to this one first.

Tom: I can’t even complain that it’s too early for this: it’s past Thanksgiving in the US, which I consider a reasonable point for starting the countdown to Christmas. But I’ll be honest, that title isn’t filling me with hope and festive spirit.

Tim: Now, I’m writing this on a Saturday night and X Factor’s just finished, so as you said earlier I’m really quite drunk on port, but I reckon that’s a BLOODY BRILLIANT Christmas song.

Tom: Well, I wouldn’t go that far. It’s competent, certainly, and a lot better than most of the cheap cash-in attempts that happen this ye– wait, what the hell is that middle eight?!

Tim: It’s GREAT. It features a rapping Queen Santa, and finishes with a joyous key change. I also love that the song features the line “I’m as happy as can be ’cause I love Christmas,” and that sums it up nicely.

Tom: Now, I know that lyrically, “Wonderful Christmas Time” isn’t exactly genius, but it’s light years above this. I think that rap bridge, and the appalling spoken interjections in the background during that last chorus, crossed it over to ‘awful’ in my head.

Tim: Hahaha – I actually somehow hadn’t noticed those spoken bits, and what ware you talking about? They make it EVEN BETTER.

It obviously won’t be featured on any Christmas compilations whatsoever (the group name they’ve chosen to release this under will probably take care of that), and so will never get the status of Wham or Shakin’ Stevens or any of that lot, but who cares?

Tom: Well, no-one, as far as I can tell. Not even the folks that wrote it.

Tim: This is get excited, jump around the room, utterly fantastic pop, and I think I’ve just dislocated one of my arms by throwing them around too enthusiastically.

Tom: Tim will get steadily drunker during this week’s reviews, folks, so it’s going to go downhill from here.

Saturday Flashback: Fame – Give Me Your Love

Flipping brilliant.

Tim: I bring this 2003 Swedish Eurovision entry up for two reasons: firstly because I started playing it accidentally as I was scrolling on my phone just now, and secondly because it’s flipping brilliant.

Tom: It opens with some “ooh-ooh, aah-aah” harmonising. Man, this is classic Melodifestivalen right here.

Tim: Oh, it certainly is. I love so many things about this – firstly there’s just the fact that it’s a well-done girl/boy duet, which so often goes wrong but can be wonderful when it works. From the song itself, there’s the ‘hmm-mm-mm, ah-ahh-ahhh’ intro, the lovely key change, the brilliant rolling strings on the bridge into the chorus and the general joyous message of the whole thing.

Tom: It ticks all the boxes perfectly, doesn’t it? Crikey, they’re even in matching all-white outfits, like rejects from a Christian revival meeting.

Tim: Way up at the top of the list for me, though, is the rampantly aggressive “give me ALL. OF. YOUR. LOVE.” towards the end, which almost seems to give the impression that the two of them want to just get their kit off and do it right there on the stage. Probably for the best that they didn’t, though.

Tom: Speak for yourself.

Tim: Dirty boy.

This eventually came 5th – for a bit of context, the winner was Turkey’s Every Way That I Can (where the backing singers were actually more like erotic dancers, so maybe getting their kit off would have helped), and as for our entry, well, we needn’t mention that.

Rob & Nino – I Just Wanna

“Brace yourself for what I’m about to say.”

Tim: Interesting video, this – the first 58 seconds of it, though, are scene-setting, titles and Star Wars music, so feel free to skip.

Tim: I say interesting, it’s more just weird, really, and I’ve not actually got much of a clue what’s going on. I’m guessing they’re out looking for a girl they’ve lost, but beyond that is anybody’s guess.

Tom: Here’s what’s happening: someone’s got a BUDGET and ARTISTIC DIRECTION. I recognise that stock music, as well: it’s the one you get when you can’t license the actual Star Wars theme.

Tim: And the music? Well, that’s an odd one. After hearing the first minute or so of this, I wasn’t keen at all. Too auto-tuney, not enough happy pop stuff to it. But then it got a bit better.

Tom: Yep – it doesn’t kick in until that first chorus, and it takes a while to get there.

Tim: The lead in to the chorus has a decent melody, the chorus is actually really good, but the main thing is– actually, you may need to you brace yourself for what I’m about to say. It turns out that… it turns out that I really, really like that dubstep post-chorus breakdown.

Tom: Well, that’s it. We’re both converts. Two years or so from “what’s this awful sound” to “I like it”.

Tim: Don’t know why, don’t know how, but I do. It’s brilliant. And I’m still not entirely comfortable with admitting that to myself, but I can do and I must. I must be TRUE TO MYSELF. Otherwise I’m no better than people who go around liking songs they think they shouldn’t and so feel the need to prefix their approval with “guilty pleasure”, which as far as I’m concerned is one of the most idiotic phrases ever coined.

Tom: Interestingly, there’s folks that would say this isn’t “proper” dubstep: it’s the popified version. To them I say: welcome to every musical genre ever.

Tim: It also made me realise that dubstep isn’t remotely as big as people thought it would be twelve months back. Skrillex was Sound of 2012, Nero were getting huge, but now it just seems to have been snuffed out. Bit of a shame, but I can’t say I’ll miss it too much.

Tom: So the question is: what comes next?

Tim: Is it too much to hope for a renaissance of Eurotrance?

Robin Stjernberg – Scars

Children are gits.

Tim: Slightly sad video, but [SPOILER ALERT] it gets better.

Tim: So, singer implies he got bullied at school, makes up the fact that a hot girl saved him (because let’s be honest, that sort of thing just doesn’t happen in real life) and uses that as a message to tell all the uncool kids that life will be alright.

Tom: Mm. I’m always wary of the “saved by a guardian angel” message, because in real life they don’t tend to actually arrive. What would actually happen is that the blonde girl would become just as much of a pariah. Children are gits.

Tim: True. But, cynical as we’re being, I can’t help thinking that it’s lovely. Especially when it comes with a chorus that’s as brilliant as this one is.

Tom: Ah, now there I can agree with you. And it’s a rare singer who can actually pull off the screaming-over-the-final-chorus bit – he’s got the pipes for it.

Tim: It reminds me a lot of Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger – same sort of ‘you’ll get through this’ message, same ridiculous amount of effort from the singer, similarly big chorus and instrumentation to emphasise that and the same extra backup in the last choruses – and that’s a very good thing indeed. Two songs in, and this boy’s yet to put a foot wrong, in my opinion.

Icona Pop – We Got The World

In a similar vein, but largely absent of what we didn’t like.

Tim: Cast your mind back six months, and we weren’t all that keen on I Love It, their last release. For a few reasons.

Tom: And just like last time, I’ve got to add a quick video warning here, for what the BBFC would describe as “occasional, brief nudity”.

Tim: This is in a similar vein to the first, but fortunately is absent of much of what we didn’t like.

Tom: Yep. This is actually a song, and an incredibly positive and unbeat to that as well.

Tim: There’s a much better melody, with less of the plain shouting. Yes, it’s still present, because that’s their style, but it’s in just the right quantity to get the idea across but not outstay their welcome. Most importantly of all, though, it’s got exactly the same enthusiasm for absolutely everything that was there before, and I think it’s brilliant.

Tom: Right. And for once that’s reflected in the video. I want to go back to Vegas. Preferably with them.