Jedward – Luminous

Tim: This is not remotely like Waterline, which was brilliant. It is, however, almost as good.

Tom: And an interesting technical note: it’s “(c) Planet Jedward, under license to Universal Music”. Whoever Jedward’s agent is, they’re good.

Tim: One thing I like about Jedward is that they don’t seem to be too concerned with wanting to be credible musicians or writing their own stuff. They understand the basic fact that singing and writing are very different talents, and it’s entirely allowable for them to be done by different people.

Tom: OBVIOUS JOKE ALERT: Mind you, Jedward tracks would be improved if both the singing and writing were done by different people.

Tim: Perhaps, but they wouldn’t sell as well.

Here, we have a song by the same group of people that wrote Danny Saucedo’s recent single, All In My Head; Waterline was written by other Swedish people and everybody loved it. I’m rambling a bit, but my point is: everyone may say “Oh, Jedward, they’re annoying, I hate them”, but the thing that’s important is that their management know how to pick good songs.

Tom: On the other hand, Ireland can’t win Eurovision if they keep letting Jedward run for it. The juries’ votes placed them at the bottom of the table – no fan support can raise them to pole position from there. And if they’re in the running, they will get voted into the contest, no matter how good the song is.

Tim: That is true, and some day their reign over Irish pop will no doubt end. Until then, I’ve got no issues as long as they’re given tracks like this. Lovely backing, pretty video, decent enough lyrics and good use of autotune, all by people who know what they’re doing.

Tom: Well, with two notable exceptions.

Bim – Burn

“Ooh, now that’s very nice indeed. “

Tim: New single to tie in with a 5th November launch of their new EP Lifelines for you:

Tom: Ooh, now that’s very nice indeed.

Tim: Isn’t it just? And that video is the first time I’ve ever thought “why isn’t there more crime in the world?” Because if a young vigilante crime-fighter from Cambridge has nothing better to do than eat ice-cream and go bowling, I think that’s a crying shame.

Tom: Hey, don’t knock British superhero crimefighting. There’s always internet classic Brummie Baywatch, one of the few pre-YouTube viral videos.

Tim: Oh, I’m not knocking it at all – I’m just a bit sad that there doesn’t seem to be any actual crime to fight.

I’ve no idea what a frustrated would-be superhero has to do with one bloke being fairly sure that his partner is having trouble putting up with him, mind, but I’ve long ago given up on the concept of music videos having anything to do with the actual songs, so I’m just enjoying it.

Tom: It is an odd choice: normally this’d be intercut with something of the singers, at least so the fans can identify them. Ditching them entirely for a somewhat odd concept video is a brave choice.

Tim: The point is, it’s great music and a wonderful video. Full marks.

Tom: Yep, no arguments there.

Saturday Flashback: Kati Wolf – What About My Dreams

Indeed.

Tim: We haven’t had any massive schlager tunes on here for quite some time, and that’s a shame.

Tom: Good grief, you’re right. We started this to talk about schlager, and we’ve all but forgotten about it.

Tim: Let’s rectify the issue with this, which, you may recall, was the track that finally got everyone dancing after an hour of everything else seeming to fail (even Aqua) at that Eurofest night you & I went to back in January.

Tim: Sorted.

Tom: Indeed.

Tim: Although…

Tom: What? That’s a top Eurovision track, that is.

Tim: Oh, it really is, but you may have noticed there was missing something from the usual formula – perhaps a second verse & chorus before the middle eight? So let’s hear it again. But the full version. The Hungarian version. The four minute version that got released earlier this year. Basically, the awesome version.

Tim: SORTED.

Tom: Indeed.

JLS – Hottest Girl In The World

Oh, no, let’s not listen to this, it’s awful.

Tim: Oh, no, let’s not listen to this, it’s awful.

Tom: Too late, Tim, this train is a-rollin’! They’re back. And… what the hell are they up to?

Tim: I don’t know, but it’s rubbish, so can’t we do something else?

Tim: You see? Told you.

Tom: Are they ripping off “Boyfriend” by Justin Bieber? ‘Cos let me tell you: that’s not the best thing to rip off.

Tim: No, it isn’t, though it strikes me more like NSync’s “Girlfriend”, though that’s not much better.

Tom: And what on earth is that “Bla! Bo-de-oh-la!” in the background?

Tim: Awful? Crap? Dire? They’re all what it is.

Tom: And – more than that – what’s with the sudden (surprisingly melodic) bridge, ruined by positively infantile lyrics?

Tim: I don’t know, I really don’t like this, and not even in an entertaining way. Can I go now?

Tom: I really have no more coherent response than “what”.

SHY & DRS feat. Sandi Thom – The Love Is Gone

This is, to say the least, a bit weird.

Tom: This is, to say the least, a bit weird.

I was reading through the upcoming singles list, and did a bit of a double-take when I noticed “Sandi Thom”. Really? Once described as “the Musical Antichrist” by Charlie Brooker, and best known for a song that I loved at first and then grew to loathe the more I heard it.

All that’s beside the point, because she’s an acoustic guitar singer/songwriter. And now she’s featured on a track by – and I’m not making this up – a Scottish “hip-pop-rock” duo. That’s right: it’s Scottish rap time.

Tim: Well, this should be something then.

Tom: “Just say what’s on your mind / like a kid with Tourettes”. Oh boy.

Tim: Yep. Definitely something.

Tom: This sounds like a song that plays over the credits of an early-90s movie.

Tim: That’s…an interesting comparison.

Tom: It’s… it’s cheesy. Power guitar, female vocals, and a rap that just doesn’t sound right somehow, although that might be because Scottish rap isn’t exactly something that’s broken into the mainstream.

Tim: Perhaps you’re right, but is that a bad thing? I don’t really know what to say here, because it’s not something I’d choose to listen to and the artist isn’t well-known enough for me to compare it to anything. Though I will point out that you’re saying ‘Scottish rap” as though it’s a new genre in itself – much as I’d love that to be the case, I’m not entirely sure one regional accent can do enough to create it.

Tom: Oh, if there’s any Glaswegians reading this, Tim, be glad they’re not near you.

Tim: Fair enough, although I will point out that Wikipedia has a well-referenced five thousand word essay on something as minor as toilet paper orientation; I’m having a slight issue taking a single unsourced article there as proof of a genre, whatever danger it may put me in..

Tom: Anyway, I think it’s the quiet one-liner bits between the chorus and verses that really put it into the ‘closing credits’ genre. It’s competent, it really is, it’s just… weird.

Girls Aloud – Something New

MASSIVE.

Tim: “All I want is something new.” Both the first line of the chorus, and what many fans of brilliant pop music have been think for the past three and a half years.

Tim: So, we’ve got a MASSIVE backing track, quite a bit of Nicki Minaj-style rapping, a MASSIVE backing track, a BRILLIANT chorus, a MASSIVE backing track, some regular pretty good sung verses, a BRILLIANT chorus, a MASSIVE backing track and a BRILLIANT chorus.

Tom: There’s a bit too much Minaj in there for me, and the chorus ain’t exactly to my tastes: but I can’t deny…

Tim: And did I mention that MASSIVE backing track?

Tom: …the backing track, no.

Tim: It, along with that BRILLIANT chorus I may also have mentioned, really make this track really really amazing and exactly what a Girls Aloud comeback track should be.

Tom: Except. Except, except, except. I know this won’t apply to their target market, who’ll never have heard of it, but there’s an uncomfortable history in British pop music about people declaring themselves the leader of something. And once my brain made that connection — that really quite famous connection — the song kinda got ruined for me.

But yes, if your brain isn’t hyperactive on dodgy musical connections, it’s a good track.

Tim: “We girls gonna run this show.” Yes, they probably are.

Steps – Light Up The World

“I am EXCITED.”

Tim: 15th October 2001. Just over eleven years ago. With the release of their first greatest hits collection, that was the last date the world heard any original material from the band originally formed just to be a one-hit wonder with 5, 6, 7, 8. Until now, that is.

Tom: I am EXCITED.

Tim: Slightly confusing start (“have they gone a bit dubsteppy?”), but then a wonderfully reassuring first verse and chorus.

Tom: See, I was expecting a big Dance Track, not a ballad. Once I readjusted my expectations, I was fine, but that’s a bit of a let-down.

Tim: The strings under the verses sound oddly dramatic – almost something that could come out of a big TV drama, and I love that.

Tom: I was thinking more “end of the first half of a panto”, but I know what you mean.

Tim: The chorus is massive, and if you’re singing along you can’t really do it justice unless you open your mouth a good few inches more than is comfortable. The middle eight, well, seems to be there only to give Lee and H something to do, but never mind because they seem to do a decent job of it. The fade-out ending is as lazy as ever, and gets in the way of a damn good closing section. So despite the very end, I like this song a lot and it’s lovely.

Tom: It is, but damn it, they’re called Steps. They’re meant to do cheesy pop-dance numbers, surely?

Tim: Well, you say that, and possibly, yes. But think back to their singles. There was Tragedy, and 5, 6, 7, 8, obviously, which were both dance routines accompanied by songs. But them aside, Steps were pretty ballad-heavy: just to name a few, Love’s Got A Hold On My Heart, Heartbeat, Deeper Shade Of Blue, Better Best Forgotten – all great, and all ballads.

The chances of a new proper album with original stuff are sadly minimal at best, but as a one-off single as the result of a Sky Living TV series, I think this is great.

Tom: Ha. I thought there had to be some kind of ulterior motive. I just assumed it was a new Greatest Hits album.

Tim: Nope. The first series led to a tour that sold out in minutes, and the second gave us this and an EP of cover tracks. I don’t know – maybe there will be a third series with a proper album, but until then I’ll cope with this.

Andi Kristine – Magic

Gentle, calming, overall rather nice.

Tom: We’ve been sent this by Mar, who writes: “I just discovered this Icelandic artist while I was visiting last week, she is so friendly and sweet, and think she’d make a great feature!”

Tim: Sounds good – let’s hear it.

Tom: Just one problem with that: a little research reveals that Mar is actually this artist’s booking agent, and ‘just discovered her last week’ is a blatant lie.

Tim: AGH! We’ve been LIED TO?!?!?!

Tom: Mar was quite lovely about it when I emailed back and let them know they were rumbled. Oh, and a quick warning: while this video technically isn’t porn, I still wouldn’t like to explain why I’m watching it to a boss or family member.

Tom: Well, friendly and sweet she may be, but is the music any good? There are two biases I’ve got here: on the one hand, the duplicitous agent trying to dupe us; on the other, startlingly revealing clothing. Hopefully those two will pretty much cancel each other out.

Tim: I shall try to cast both those things from my memory in my judgement, and say: gentle, calming, overall rather nice. Nothing over the top, just pleasantly understated fairly decent stuff.

Tom: Aye, it’s… um. Not bad? I guess? Perhaps my brain’s too addled from trying to give an unbiased opinion, but I can’t seem to form any real view on it. It’s pleasant enough, I suppose, but it’s not going to be sticking in my head for long.

Tim: Sounds about right. I won’t go heading off to buy the album, but I wouldn’t turn it off if it came on the radio.

Tom: It’s not the glowing endorsement that Mar wanted, but hey, it could’ve been worse: it could’ve been INJU5TICE.

Tim: That reminds me, one positive thing I’ll say for that lot: it’s, what, two years since we reviewed that track? I can still remember the hook from it, though.

Saturday Flashback: Of Monsters and Men – Little Talk

Well, that’s just lovely.

Tim: The video you’re about to see bears very little relation to the song whatsoever, but both it and the song are bloody brilliant.

Tom: Well, that’s just lovely.

Tim: Isn’t it just? I say ‘very little’ because there’s sort of a slight link – the female voice in the song is singing about being scared and uncertain about things, and the male voice is reassuring her, which I suppose could be tenuously linked to the band being scared and the fairy thing guiding and defending them on their mystical and utterly something journey. (I’m not sure what word I want to put there, but it should definitely be preceded by utterly.)

Tom: Someone spent a lot of money animating that video, and it’s clearly paid off.

Tim: It really has. And let’s not gloss over: TRUMPETS! Isn’t that a fantastic melody? Combined with the voices, the shouts of ‘hey!’ and other standard instruments behind the rest of the sining, this song is absolutely marvellous, and I can’t believe I’ve only just found out about it.

Tom: Surprised me as well – particularly with the view count on that video being over of 25 million. I feel like I should have heard it before.

Tim: It first got released in Iceland (and then worldwide) over a year ago, although it was only this summer that it got picked up by Radio 1 and subsequently charted at number 12.

Tom: It’s got that kind of “popular at Glastonbury” vibe about it – it’s never going to be the massive, chart-topping, commercial success, but it’ll bubble under quite nicely and be happy there.

Tim: Their second single, Mountain Sound, was released last month and is starting to get airplay over here; it’s definitely worth a listen, but it’s (a) not quite as good as this and (b) so far lacking a video that’s quite so utterly.

Calvin Harris feat. Florence Welch – Sweet Nothing

This feels like an album track.

Tom: I’ve known a few people who’ve said “they like the Machine, but not Florence”: her vocals tend to polarise people. How well does she fit with Calvin Harris, then?

Slight warning here: while there’s no actual blood or nudity, this isn’t a comfortable video to watch.

Tim: Ooh, blimey.

Tom: Somehow, despite the video, this feels like an album track.

Tim: It does – there’s nothing to really get you going on it. No massive hook to remember, no big chorus to hang around afterwards.

Tom: I can’t say why: Florence Welch sounds like Florence Welch, Calvin Harris sounds like Calvin Harris, together the two of them should sound spectacular. Were my expectations too high?

Tim: I’ll going for something like: a good Calvin Harris track needs bigger vocals than this, a good Florence track needs slightly more traditional instruments. To me, this sounds more like a mash-up that doesn’t quite hit the spot.

Tom: Yes! That’s exactly it. It’s like someone’s taken the unmemorable verses from two tracks and mashed them together, rather than the choruses that everyone knows.