Theme Park – Milk

Vaguely pleasant plinky-plonky.

Tom: I’m sure the video means something deep and intriguing, but I can’t work out what it might be.

Tim: I don’t know, but for most of it my main thought was ‘ooh, they’re doing a Westlife.’

Tom: I’ve no idea what to classify this as. Indie, I guess, although that’s a fairly generic term.

Tim: Something like that, although ‘indie’ as a genre always slightly bugs me, in the same way that ‘Foreign’ gets used as a genre for films.

Tom: And I can’t tell you why I like it, either, other than it’s got a vaguely pleasant plinky-plonky type of sound to it.

Tim: Probably because it’s entirely inoffensive. There’s pretty much nothing to dislike about it. It’s not too loud, or too quiet. There’s enough going on for it not to be boring, but not enough for it to be too exciting or raucous. I reckon we could best describe this as ‘fine’.

Tom: It’s not a floor-filler by any means, but it could definitely be seen on the playlist in the “second room” of so many student clubs around the country.

Tim: Yeah – stuck somewhere on the path from Ed Sheer-zzzz-huh? to The Vaccines. Sounds about right.

Saturday Flashback: Inga from Sweden – Inga’s XXXmas

“Inappropriate for some users.”

Tim: We had a Christmas song last week; let’s keep the December flashbacks festive, shall we? So, not to be confused with Miss Inga from earlier this year, this lady really does call herself ‘Inga from Sweden’, and back in 2007 was asking Santa for a spank because she’s lonely.

Tom: “This video may contain content that is inappropriate for some users.” Well, this should be fun.

Tom: Hahaha. Effects provided by a knock-off copy of 3D Studio Max and a terrible bluescreen. Is that by the same people who did Hooked on a Feeling?

Tim: God, I’d forgotten about that. What is it with you and the Hoff? Anyway, there are a couple of things I’m not keen about this.

Tom: Is the music one of them?

Tim: Harsh. Though somewhat fair, but no. There’s the Santa that sounds creepy as anything, and then I really hope what’s going on at 1:17 isn’t what it looks like it could be, although I’m fairly sure it is. Overall, though, this has me smiling.

Tom: Wait, really? Why? I mean, I’m generally okay with ridiculous Christmas records, but this is just terrible.

Tim: You think? It’s partially because of the general ridiculousness of the video – standing on a burning ice sheet, treading water through the ice, that utterly nightmare-inducing dancing snowman – and also the spanking sound effects. They’re entirely wrong, but they’re brilliant.

Tom: You’ve gone off your rocker. Too much brandy and chocolate?

Tim: No, still a bit too early for brandy. I’m getting through a good amount of cava, though, left over from when my parents bought several cases too many for a thing a few weeks back, and that’s a lot of fun.

Shackles – A Christmas Kiss

There are sleigh bells.

Tim: Yes, it’s time for the first of this year’s festive tracks, and we start with one which, its promoter has informed us, has just crept into the iTunes Norway Top 100. Excited?

Tom: There are sleigh bells, Tim. Apparently it is possible to be cynical and excited at the same time.

Tim: Despite the somewhat lacklustre introduction I gave this, I do like this – the music’s cheerful, with a decent helping of said sleigh bells (SLEIGH BELLS!) throughout, the video’s got happy people and festive scenes in it, and the lyrics are happy and loving.

Tom: It’s never going to be a Christmas classic, but it’s nice enough.

Tim: Well, I say happy – should you not be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel there’s magic everywhere, and are depressed about it at this typically joyous time of year, this song really won’t help. In fact it’ll probably make you feel even worse. Should probably have put a warning at the start, really.

Tom: I wonder if there are any songs about quick shack-ups at the office Christmas party?

Tim: None that leap to mind, but any that do exist are probably the ones everyones tries to forget ever happened.

SOJO – Jumping Jam

Imagine yourself a nice pot of strawberry jam.

Tim: Imagine yourself a nice pot of strawberry jam. It’s sitting there on the table, but then suddenly it starts moving.

Tom: What?

Tim: This track plays, and the motion becomes vibrant – the jar’s all over the place. Lights flash, smoke machines get going, lasers all over the place, you know the type. Got that? Good, because this song doesn’t have a video yet but that is totally what it ought to be like.

Tom: Well, with an introduction like that, I’m expecting great things.

Tom: …oh.

Tim: Yeah – if it did have that video, this song might be a bit more interesting. Actually, that sentence implies I don’t really like this, but I do, and did from the very first notes. The sudden speed-talking in the chorus comes as a surprise after the gentle crooning of the verses, and not a bad one at all.

Tom: It’s not bad, I’ll grant you, but it’s hardly going to set the dancefloor on fire.

Tim: Occasionally I get the feeling it’s going on a bit too long, but it generally comes back and sorts itself out, even if it is just with that chorus, which seems to carry a message of ‘hurry up, come along, don’t dawdle, what are you doing back there, if you don’t hurry up you’ll be sent to bed without any tea.’ And you know what? If I’d had this fifteen years ago, I might not have been so hungry on family trips to the Lake District.

Tom: I feel like I should be applauding you in some kind of group-therapy session now.

Beatrice Eli – The Conqueror

Sounds like it’s going to go somewhere.

Tim: Interesting, this one.

Tom: I’m not sure about ‘interesting’, really. When it kicks in, the chorus sounds like it’s going to go somewhere and then… it doesn’t.

Tim: To be honest, I don’t really know what to say about this. I think it’s great–well, pretty good, at least–but I’m not sure how to justify that. Do I need to?

Tom: Well, yes, you do really. Because to me, it’s a lovely voice wasted on a bit of a downbeat, dull tune.

Tim: I mean, the voice is a bit weird, the music’s nothing huge, and yet it fits together nicely. Umm, ethereal? Is that the right word? Sort of, I suppose. OH, I DON’T KNOW. But I like this.

Andremo feat. Coco – Music Is Turning Me On

I started playing this, then got bored

Tim: Coco is formerly of Swedish group Love Generation; Andremo is, erm, not.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCKijihn5Pw

Tim: I started playing this, then got bored with it and moved on to doing other stuff.

Tom: You gave it two minutes? Apart from that chorus, it’s all a bit dull.

Tim: No, I got bored after twenty seconds. Two minutes later, though, I thought ooh, this is alright actually. Then I listened to it again and realised I got bored by the awful verse but enjoyed the sung chorus and music.

Tom: It sounds like something that should turn up in the middle of a Clubland compilation CD – you know, the kind of track that’s cheap to license and fills up the running time.

Tim: Something like that, yeah. So OVERALL: okay in the background, perfectly serviceable as a dance tune, but as I see it, nothing particularly great. Ooh, actually, I know what to say to finish this! It’s brilliant!

Tom: Uh-oh.

Tim: I’m going to say this: it certainly (really, it’s clever) wouldn’t TURN ME ON!!! (You see? HILARIOUS.)

Tom: Tim Jeffries, ladies and gentlemen. He’s here all week.

Anniela – Party Crusher

Less repetitive than before?

Tim: Will we find it less repetitive than Elektrisk?

Tim: A bit, yes.

Tom: Only a bit.

Tim: Towards the end it still goes on a bit. Doesn’t help that I’m not entirely certain what a Party Crusher might be, but still. The verses are okay, and there’s a decent tune there. The only problem is that there’s no YEAH moment, and yet I feel this song is crying out for one – whether it be a key change, a sudden return from a quieter middle eight, or even just a loud noise somewhere.

Tom: “Formulaic” can mean good or ill; if the formula’s really good, then there’s nothing wrong with pushing out a track that follows it – heaven knows there are plenty of cracking songs that have little originality to them. But this is just a by-the-numbers album track, and my word if she says ‘party crusher’ one more time…

Tim: Basically, it’s a nice enough song – background of a party, album track, whatever – but a bit uninspiring.

Saturday Flashback: Play – As Long As There’s Christmas

You’re going to love this.

Tim: You’re going to love this. Absolutely love it.

Tom: Ah, it’s December; which means that the Advent calendar of Christmas Saturday Flashbacks is starting up. All right, Tim; I’ll take the bait. Why am I going to love it?

Tim: Three reasons. The first is that I said on Thursday that Play have been unheard from since last December; this is true, but they did this back in 2007. It’s a cover of a song off (really, you’ll LOVE it) the straight-to-DVD 1997 Disney release Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas, done for the Special Edition release.

Tom: Crikey, that’s obscure.

Tom: And, my word, that’s by the book Disney, isn’t it? I… damn it, I do like it. It’s just hitting every note, as a Disney Christmas song should.

Tim: Certainly is. The second reason is those trumpets in the chorus that I think are brilliant.

Tom: They are brilliant, and properly Christmassy. I’m guessing the third thing is the key change? ‘Cos it’s a top key change.

Tim: You are very very right. Those three aside, though, I don’t have much to say about it really. But those are three good things, and overall it’s just a bit nice, isn’t it?

Tom: That’s the epitome of a Disney Christmas song; in one ear, out the other, and it’s “nice”.

Katy Perry – The One That Got Away

For a sixth single, that’s bloody amazing.

Tom: Six singles from the same album. That’s called “milking it”, surely?

Tim: Not if you’re trying to beat Michael Jackson’s record of five number ones off the same album, it isn’t.

Tom: And when the singles are this good, maybe it’s not milking it at all. Maybe it’s justified. Because for a sixth single, that’s bloody amazing. And she’s got a songwriting credit on it as well – it seems this isn’t just a popular artist being given the best tracks.

Tim: It is good – although I must admit most of my attention there was on the video, which is just – wow.

Tom: And that’s a surprisingly emotional video for American pop. It doesn’t even have a typical saccharine ending: heck, even her jumping off the cliff “to be with him” could have been spun as a happier way to close that video. That’s going to have teenage girls bawling.

Tim: I don’t know if it’s because I’m writing this at one o’clock in the morning, but that really did get me a bit emotional. Blimey.

Victoria Dogan & Laurence – God’s Gift to Me

“How cheesy?” “Imagine a fondue the size of a palace.”

Tim: Dear Lord, this is cheesy.

Tom: How cheesy?

Tim: Imagine a fondue the size of a palace, and instead of dipping bread and stuff in it you’re dipping entire bedroom-sized lumps of gruyère. That sort of cheesy.

Tom: Metaphor of the year award, there.

Tim: And you’ll LOVE it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSSWnhRJAno

Tom: Wrong.

Tim: Oh, you do surprise me.

This is a recently-married husband and wife couple, we’re told by e-mailer Simon, which makes it somewhat probable that this is their actual wedding we’re watching; I don’t know whether that’s a great idea for a song like this or just plain creepy.

Tom: That’s one way to get your wedding reception paid for, I suppose, although spending the entire party singing one song while the crew get all the shots they need must have put a bit of dampener on it. (Did they have a crew? Or was the cameraman just a drunk uncle? Apparently the budget didn’t stretch to a jib or making sure the people in the background looked like they were interested.)

Seriously, that bartender in the background is all I can see during those singing-at-each-other shots.

Tim: “I’m sorry, look, I’m trying to do the washing up here, could you please give me a bit of room? Or at least turn off that bloody camera? This really isn’t my best angle, you know.”

Anyway, the music is what matters, I suppose, and to be honest, I’m actually not all keen it. I know this is the same me that fell in love with Destiny by since-then-entirely-unheard-from Play (twelve months ago today, as it happens), but that had something that this doesn’t. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but this is definitely lacking something.

Tom: Inspiration? A video that looks like it has production values? Come on, even Steps managed that, and they were walked down the aisle by their actual, real-life fathers.

Tim: Effort, there. Maybe a better beat to it? More volume in the voice? Something, anyway.

Tom: Let’s put it this way, Tim: I sighed at the key change. I don’t think I’ve ever sighed at a key change before.