Yasmin – Finish Line

Harmless.

Tom: This is an odd one, Tim. You’ll remember that our regular Radio Insider said that if Yasmin’s previous track wasn’t big, he’d “buy a hat so [he] can eat it”. Well… it hit 39 in the charts, but he’s gone double-or-nothing on this one, which has already reached the heady heights of number 13.

Tom: I have no idea how this got to number 13 at all.

Tim: Were I limited to one word, I would describe this as ‘harmless’.

Tom: It’s a curious mix of Virtual Insanity (“Future’s…”), Year 3000 (“Sepa- / ration- / you and- / me and-“), and Mortal Kombat (“FINISH LINE”). But it’s somehow less than the sum of its parts. It’s listenable enough, I suppose, once you get over the low-fi ‘finish line’ sample and the urge to break into Busted.

Tim: Yeah – there’s nothing particularly wrong with it, although the yeah-eh-i-yeah-blah-blah bit is just annoying and repetitive enough to get stuck, and I would turn it off. Wouldn’t ring up a request show for it, though.

Tom: I’m not sure why her bed eats her at the end of the video.

Tim: I’m just intrigued as to why two people who are clearly aware they they can’t touch each other still went through the processes of getting half-naked and ending up in bed together.

Tom: Sounds like most marriages, doesn’t it?*

*That joke brought to you by the 1970s.

Baby Alice – Heaven is a Dancefloor

Really quite staggeringly bad.

Tom: Am I being too cynical, Tim? Because when an anonymous reader sends us a track that I’ve never heard of, and says it’s a “decent comeback” by the “Pina Colada Boy team”, I tend to be a bit suspicious and think that it might actually have been sent in by the “Pina Colada Boy Team” themselves.

Tim: Well, I don’t mind – if it’s anything like the actually-brilliant-but-for-all-the-wrong-reasons Piña Colada Boy, with its hook lifted directly from Eiffel 65’s (excellent) remix of The Bad Touch, and initial line strangely reminiscent of Matt Cardle’s When We Collide (not to mention the fact that it’s a song dedicated to the third best cocktail ever), I’m just glad that Tim, Andreas & Sandra have got new stuff at all.

Tom: Well, since the song is really quite staggeringly bad, the suspicions I have don’t really bother me.

Tim: Oh.

Tom: Let’s do that thing where we list off things we don’t like about the song. I’ll start: the appalling rapping.

Tim: By a white bloke who really really wants to be black.

Tom: Well, really really wants to be will.i.am, anyway. Moving on: the massive amount of autotune.

Tim: The way it gets your hopes up about it finishing at about 2:12 before coming right back in.

Tom: The overuse of the “lost power” vocal effect to end a line. In fact, all the overuse of vocal effects.

Tim: The way it gets your hopes up about it finishing for a second time about three minutes in before returning for a whole other forty seconds, and then you hate yourself for believing it.

Tom: The Peter Andre Mysterious Girl drums.

Tim: The fact that, due to some of their previous stuff being firmly in Guilty Pleasure territory, I really really want to like this, but the rapping’s just far far too irritating.

Tom: Now, there is one saving grace: the first part of the chorus, that “please just do what I say” before the INJU5TICE Syndome kicks in? It’s amazing. It’s brilliant.

Tim: It is excellent.

Tom: It constantly set me up with that lovely bit, only to knock me down with the Teletubby impression. Which is a shame, really: if it was all like that good part, I think I could really get into this track.

Tim: REMIX.

Cascada – San Francisco

Remind you of anything?

Tim: San Francisco…that’s in California, right? Bearing that in mind, let’s have a listen to this.

Tim: Remind you of anything?

Tom: That’s… well, it’s fair to say it’s very much “in the style of” Katy Perry. It’s also about 12 months late.

Tim: Now let’s be honest, Cascada’s glory days are well and truly behind them. Which is a shame, because Everytime We Touch was a great album, and Perfect Day wasn’t bad either. This…well, this is pretty much textbook ripping off, and it’s disappointing.

Tom: It’s worth taking a moment to notice that this is another case of the YouTube Video Editing Phenomenon: where the official video of the song will have a break of a few measures in the middle that isn’t in the actual track, in order to get the people who use YouTube as a jukebox to actually pay for the track.

Tim: New album’s out soon, by the way – according to the description of this video, it’s called Original Me. Really, it is.

Tom: As opposed to all those copies of her that are running about.

Olly Murs – Busy

He looks like an idiot.

Tom: I think the only reason I make sure we review his singles is so that I can revisit the phrase “swaggering leprechaun cockery”, which remains one of my favourite things I’ve ever written for this site.

Tim: Well, if we’re picking favourites, I think I’d have to go with that “shot out of John Barrowman” comment.

Tim: He looks like an idiot. This is not something I shall use to judge the music, though. Also, I will happily bet anybody five hundred million quid that he did not make that papier-mache thing that he’s pretending to put the finishing touches to.

Tom: Got to be honest: “scrambled eggs” and “bacon” are not generally things you hear in the opening lines of a love song. It’s catchy and jingly enough, and I found myself quite enjoying it once I stopped paying attention to the lyrics.

Tim: You know what? After a minute, I’ve formed my opinion of the music: it’s alright. And that’s all you’re getting, because there’s so much more to say about the video. Let’s start with the fact that at 1:07 he is combing his forehead, and that given the size of the mark on his cheek relative to her mouth, he must logically have drawn that on himself.

Tom: As for creepy papier-mâché love-doll Gepetto… I’ll leave that to you to mock.

Tim: Well, many men throughout the ages have got comfort from one form of doll or another; I won’t insult all of them by lumping them in with him. It is, however, nice that he has several friends that will happily pretend she is actually a person just so he can think he has a date on his birthday.

Blondie – Mother

What a chorus!

Tom: Yep, they’re still going. New album, as well.

Tom: And oddly enough, this still sounds like Blondie. I reckon that even if you hadn’t told me who it was, I’d still know it from Debbie Harry’s voice.

What a chorus! Proper chord progression, proper vocals, proper rock guitar. The start of the verses let it down a bit – but on the whole this is pretty damn good.

Tim: There’s actually not a lot I’ve got to add to that – it had me right from the intro and never let up. Good stuff.

Tom: Just to remind you: Debbie Harry is 65 years old. She can still belt this out. That’s pretty damn good. Go on, Rihanna, let’s see you still singing about whips and chains in forty years’ time. Actually, let’s not.

Saturday Flashback: Jenni Vartiainen – En haluu kuolla tänä yönä

There’s a solid amount of life there.

Tom: An anonymous reader wrote in to suggest this track, which hit Number One in Finland back in February 2010. The title, translated, means “I Don’t Wanna Die Tonight”, and the singer is a former winner of the Finnish version of Popstars.

Tom: It’s certainly a belter, which makes it all the more odd that I don’t like it. Despite all the energy, the promise of the build in those first few seconds, the full-on vocals, all the instrumentation and production… somehow the word that drops into my head is “plodding”.

Tim: Hmm…not sure about plodding. I think there’s a solid amount of life there, and I don’t dislike this at all.

Tom: It doesn’t necessarily need a key change, it just needs… damn it, I don’t know. Perhaps it needs to break out of the one octave she’s singing in? A chord progression that seems to come from a completely different song, like the Killers do so often*?

*”Will your system be all right / if you dream of home tonight” in ‘Human’, and “–if you don’t shine” in ‘Read My Mind’.

Tim: Afraid I can’t really help you there, as I don’t actually think it needs anything. Certainly not a key change, although if I did have to change anything I’d trim the bridge a bit, and perhaps the intro as well – compared with the strong beat of the rest, the quieter parts don’t seem to fit so well.

Tom: To use a dodgy metaphor: it feels like a soaring eagle that’s been clamped down by ten-kilo weights. It needs to soar, and all it can do is limp along.

Tim: Really? I seriously think this is good – the return after the bridge, for example, may not be hugely triumphant like a great song can be, but it’s still full of energy, and gets me at least nodding my head along to it, and perhaps even swaying my shoulders as well.

Danny & Freja – It’s Only You

Paddy McGuinness has been replaced by a scantily-clad dominatrix.

Tim: Danny, off E.M.D. and In Your Eyes, is getting released in the UK in July, with an old track of his but with some re-recorded female vocals. Oh, and don’t watch this if your grandparents are hanging around.

Tom: Well, that is a bit post-watershed, isn’t it? I’d like to think it’s some dystopian future version of Take Me Out in which Paddy McGuinness has been replaced by a scantily-clad dominatrix.

Tim: The music’s nothing special, I suppose, but it’s nothing bad.

Tom: Now I disagree there: I think this is a really good track. It’s not really got a late-night full-club drunken singalong, but as an early-on floor-filler I think it does really quite well.

Tim: They could probably have chosen a better one for a first UK release if they’re going to raid his back catalogue, but it’ll do, although part of me thinks it’s somewhat forgettable.

Tom: In that case, I look forward to hearing about his other tracks: they must be tremendous.

Tim: Well, try Tokyo or Play It For The Girls – both off the same album as this, and largely chirpier and happier. Anyway, since we’ve got this song, the question is: Will it be successful over here? I would say that with a song like this it depends absolutely entirely on radio airplay, so let’s hope it gets picked up,

Caramella Girls – Boogie Bam Dance

Oh no. No, no, no.

Tim: This is real. Seriously, it is.

Tom: Oh no. No, no, no. I recognise that name. Their previous, incredibly bouncy single has been stuck in my head for ages thanks to several members of London Hackspace. For a brief, horrible while it was set as my entrance music: every time I touched my Oyster card to the door to unlock it, that damned song would blast out. I’m not listening to this.

Tim: Spoilsport.

Tim: I LOVE it. But only as a whole – the music is admittedly fairly awful (unless I’ve got a lot of WKD in me), and the video’s slightly appalling as well. Together, though? OUTSTANDING. And horribly catchy, so the music will be in my head for the rest of the day and the video won’t be and it’ll be a nightmare. OH GOD.

Tom: Welcome to my world, Tim. I can’t even review it properly: hearing it just causes this intense, burning desire to stop listening.

Tim: One thing in particular I’m a big fan of, though: the animated massive sweeping Eurovision-style crane shots they’ve got going on. They really convey the size and magnificence of the huge stadium they’ve, um, drawn.

Tom: I checked the video on mute. You’re right.

Tim: Fans of this may wish to check out their previous work – as you say, and disturbing as it may seem, this is not a novelty one-off. Have a 24-video YouTube Mix.

Tom: Don’t do it, folks. Save yourself while you can.

Kobojsarna – Timeless

CHOON.

Tim: This, I like. It’s BANGING, as they say.

Tom: It certainly does qualify as a CHOON.

Tim: The chorus bits have a great tune to them, and even though the verses are somewhat dull in comparison, they’ve got that very fast beat underlying them which just keeps it going unrelentingly. It’s not far off some of Basshunter’s or even Scooter’s best work, and it’s very good indeed.

Tom: A bold claim, but I’ll let it pass because yes, I can imagine HP Baxxter shouting most of these lyrics. The trouble is, Kobojsarna’s not HP Baxxter. HP Baxxter could just about pull off the absolutely appalling “epic winning for the win” and make it sound tolerable. As it is – it just grates terribly, and on its own it’s enough to make me consign this track to the bin.

Tim: Shame. One thing, though: in the third/sixth lines of the chorus-ish bits (where he sings “legends in our own time” or “we’ve got nothing but time”) I want to sing “I’ll follow you wherever you go”; is that from another song that sounds similar?

Tom: No idea: perhaps our readers know? And if so, can they also tell me what the damn bouncy-loop sample they’re using in the first twenty seconds is taken from?

Tim: Ah, well, that one I was also wondering about. At first I thought it reminded me of He’s A Pirate. But then I checked and it wasn’t that. Hmm. Although I have realised what the first one was – the song we reviewed only last week, Vincent’s The Moment I Met You.

Rikke Lie – Better Off

I haven’t really got a clue what’s meant to be happening here.

Tim: I laughed very hard at one point in this video; I will not spoil it for you yet.

Tom: Hmm, okay. Let’s see. What?… okay. What?

Tim: Indeed – I haven’t really got a clue what’s meant to be happening here either.

Tom: Gorgeous voice, though, and a lovely major-key ballad, so I don’t really mind. Is that autotune I hear at about 2:20 though, on that sliding note? And again, on the ‘awa-a-y’ at 3:07? It’s a shame, because it doesn’t sound like she really needs it.

Tim: Isn’t that just a wavering voice?

Tom: It sounds just a bit too digital for that. I could be wrong, though.

Tim: Anyway, it’s the video I’m wondering about – she’s clearly got an ‘I’m happy you’ve pissed off’ vibe going on throughout the lyrics, yet we also have a sad tale of two lovers (we’ll ignore the fact that they’re anthropomorphised fridge magnets for now) who desperately want to be with each other but can’t be. Is her song meant to be some sort of reassurance to them that it’s actually for the best? I have no idea.

Tom: You know, I don’t remember my high school physics all that well, but surely couldn’t the A just, er, turn over? Then they’d fit together perfectly.

Tim: What, so they’d be spooning in perpetuity? Perhaps that’s just not what they want from a relationship. Jumping sideways a bit, though: one thing I do know is that you should never jump from a very dark mood to a very light mood that swiftly without a key change. Naughty.

Tom: Well, there is a significant dress change, if nothing else.