Bellhouse – Like You Loved Us

“Don’t promise me strings unless you’re backing it up with more than occasional sample.”

Tim: String-backed dance track?

Tom: You’ve got my attention. Wait, are you still in a really good mood as you write this? Because I think there’s going to be a pattern here.

Tim: Well, let’s see.

Tim: And isn’t that marvellous?

Tom: Not enough strings, Tim. Don’t promise me strings unless you’re backing it up with more than occasional sample. Other than that, I think we’re back on the same pattern: what qualifies this as marvellous for you?

Tim: The verses sound lovely, like a decent pop record, and then the chorus hits and you’ve got big pianos and drums and strings everywhere. According to Ms House–

Tom: Fair, that is her formal title.

Tim: Obviously–it’s about some worrying that the relationship’s over and stuff (hence the ‘give us a try’, I guess, it’s hardly subtle), but really this is too much of a big dance track to worry about all that – yes, you’ve got a couple of quiet verses, but it’s all about the beats. And they’re good beats.

MÖWE feat. Emy Perez – Down By The River

“Advance warning, if you need it: the first thing you’ll hear is jaunty whistling.”

Tim: Happy new year Tom! Officially, it’s still Christmas until Sunday; unofficially, anyone still listening to Christmas music is clearly in some sort of denial, so let’s move on. In fact, let’s move all the way to Austria for SUMMER. (Advance warning, if you need it: the first thing you’ll hear is jaunty whistling.)

Tim: Now, as I write this, I am in a sickeningly good mood (after a enormous amount of effort, finally got my New Year’s Eve costume sorted), so I don’t know if that’s affecting my view, but I really really like this track.

Tom: So usually at this point, I’ll say something like “it’s a good two-minute track, it’s just a pity that it’s four minutes long”. But this actually is about two minutes long, which is good, because damn if it wasn’t starting to drag by the end.

I think that your mood is affecting your review, though. It’s not offensive, but what stands out for you?

Tim: The chanting reminds me pleasantly of Alan Walker’s Darkside (sidebar: that guy puts on a flipping brilliant gig, albeit with slightly weird staging setup, and also his album’s pretty good as well), the verses never get annoyingly quiet, the “let the river flow” line sounds great, as does the repetitive bit at the end, and I even find the whistling enjoyable, as it has a lovely melody.

Tom: Yeah, I’m chalking this one up to your mood.

Tim: Top marks, I’m reckoning.

The Fizz – Don’t Start Without Me (Extended Mix)

“According to MATHEMATICS, 48.9% better.”

Tom: Oh no.

Tim: OH YES. Tom, I know you’ll hate that we are featuring this, and part of me wants to apologise for just saying: I don’t care.

Tom: Tim, the original version was… not a great track. We talked about this. They sing “toot toot”, unironically. I cannot understand, for the life of me, why you think th–

Tim: Look, it’s one of the very best songs of the year, and although we’ve already featured the regular version, the other day I discovered this extended version (thanks, Siri), which is, according to MATHEMATICS, 48.9% better. What better a track to feature on Christmas Day, then?

Tom: I’d say “literally anything else”, but I’m sure you’d find something.

Tim: Toot toot! If you want to get revenge on me at some point, I’ll accept that. But right now, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Lisa Ajax – Terribly Good Xmas

“Please, anybody, just come and keep me company”

Tom: Is this another track where I have to ignore the title? Because I feel like I have to ignore the title on this.

Tim: You do. Because I mentioned on Friday how Christmas songs are full of clichés, and songs fitting into various categories: love songs, heartbreak songs, celebratory songs, miserable songs – your basic ones. We don’t get that many songs that are just “please, anybody, just come and keep me company”, though.

Tim: I say that, it’s not actually the first time Lisa’s done a song like this, though her one two years ago was slightly more specific. Here, she’s just hoping for anyone. An unusual look, sure, but I guess it takes a strong person to come right out and be this desperate, so fair play to her for that.

Tom: And you know what? This is actually not a bad song. Even the “terribly good” bit from the title, which I thought was going to be a nightmare, seems to work in context. This is fun! It’s not going on my Christmas playlist any time soon — if I had a Christmas playlist — but it’s not hateful. By my standards, that’s practically a ringing endorsement.

Tim: Lyrics aside (as I’ll accept they do get a bit annoying with the whole “I deserve this” attitude) I reckon it’s a nice song – I like the style, I like the melody, and sure the verses are a bit too quiet for my liking, the chorus hits the right level. So yeah – overall, I’ll take this.

SO, by my count, we now have 7 out of 12 Christmas songs that you’ve said positive things about! So unless I spoil it all tomorrow with a song you absolutely hate, I think we can call this year a success.

Saturday Flashback: Sia – Candy Cane Lane

“It is silly, it is childish, it is Christmassy as heck, and I adore it.”

Tim: We featured a couple of tracks off Sia’s Christmas album when it came out last year, but I’ve been listening to it again a bit this year, and boy have I got this one stuck in my head now.

Tom: A whole Christmas album. With loads of original songs. From Sia. I’m still kind of amazed.

Tim: It is silly, it is childish, it is Christmassy as heck, and I adore it.

Tom: And the thing is, it is actually one of the best Christmas songs you’ve sent this year. If not the best. I dismiss Christmas albums as thoughtless cash-ins most of the time, but even I’ve got to admit this is a solid track.

Tim: The nice melody, the jingly jangly chiming, the fun lyrics, the mischievous verging on evil snowman in the delightful video. Three days to go, Tom, and I am ALL IN.

Tom: I’m not! You’ve got two songs left, good luck.

Nabiha – Christmas Feels

“I ask you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE to look past that god awful title.”

Tim: Only a few days left, so let’s get back to Christmas with this, from Danish singer Nabiha. Tom, I ask you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE to look past that god awful title, because that word doesn’t appear even once in the song. Think of it as being entirely untitled, why not.

Tom: I’m glad you gave me that warning. What an awful, awful title for a… not bad song? It’s in the old traditions, the singer has a great voice, and I see what they were aiming for.

Tim: Occasionally, Tom, I get where you’re coming from with Christmas songs, because GOD are they full of clichés.

Tom: Yes. The disappointing thing here is the clunky lyrics and, frankly, depressing message.

Tim: Here, we’ve got the standard ‘trying to enjoy myself but I just can’t because I’m not with you’. Except, let’s read far too much into these lyrics. In particular, that outro – “I’m in tears and it’s the same, every damn year on the holiday”. Because…man, that’s upsetting. I don’t know how long it’s been since the break up this song centres on happened, but if we’re saying every then it’s got to be at least three or four years back. And she’s still not over it, and has no indication that it’ll every change?

Oof, that’s just…that’s kind of depressing, and I almost wish I hadn’t noticed it.

Tom: That’s fair, I wish you hadn’t pointed it out to me.

Tim: Fair. In that case, let me cheer you up by pointing out what’s almost the reverse: in your favourite, The Darkness’ Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End), we have Justin Hawkins praying ‘each and every Christmas Day that it won’t end’ – implying it never actually does. And how nice is that?

The Vaccines – All My Friends Are Falling In Love

“I should hate this song, Tim.”

Tom: I should hate this song, Tim.

Tim: Erm…

Tim: Yep. I can think of a high number of things there that would land right on your list of irritants.

Tom: So first of all: I’ve never really ‘got’ the Vaccines. I can’t say I’ve really liked any of their songs. And I’ve complained about so many tracks like this before, where all the melody work is being done by the bassline. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the average different-notes-per-line was less than two. It’s repetitive, it’s trite, it’s all been done before. They missed out apostrophes in the lyric video.

Tim: While I was too busy enjoying it to even notice that.

Tom: And yet. And yet. I was singing the chorus by the time we got to the middle eight, and I wanted to hear it again immediately. It reminds me of Scouting For Girls, back when they were a thing, which is both a compliment and an insult. Yes, their songs were irritating, but I’ll bet you could still sing about three of their choruses if they ever get played on the radio again.

Tim: True. Fact is, they were successful because they made loud songs with catchy hooks. And this is that exact same thing, and it really works if it’s done right, like this.

Tom: Well done, the Vaccines. Well done.

Mila Nile – Young Hearts

“I got distracted by singing Leona Lewis’ ‘Bleeding Love’ over the first verse.”

Tim: A Swede, here, and while normally I’ve a fairly good idea of whether or not you’ll like a track, here I have absolutely no idea.

Tom: A grand total of 38 views as I write this. I’m surprised it’s a proper release. Then I got distracted by singing Leona Lewis’ “Bleeding Love” over the first verse.

Tim: For me, you see, it was full of ups and downs – the initial ten seconds were slightly off-putting, the verse was alright, and the chorus was then a pleasant surprise (particularly the “I’m cliché but it’s true”, though I’m not entirely sure why). The post-chorus is fab, and it’s also pleasing that the second verse doesn’t dip down for too long before coming right back up again.

Tom: There’s nothing in here I dislike! Sadly, there’s also nothing that particularly makes me want to go ‘oh, I must listen to that again immediately’, but I think that might be why you couldn’t predict my reaction. It’s a good track. It’s solid.

Tim: I’m not entirely sure if I like the odd sound effect leading into the second chorus, but then that middle eight is lovely. Up and down, up and down, but all put together, I’m fairly sure I really like this.

Wiktoria – I Told Santa

“All I Want For Christmas Is You Sodding Right Off”

Tim: It had been FAR too long since we’ve featured new Christmas music, so here’s this, and it’s a bit odd: someone at Sony A&R had the feeling that there aren’t enough new Christmas songs, or some gubbins like that, and so they’ve put together an EP of five tracks from five unrelated artists. Cynics might argue that’s simply an excuse to plug all their upcoming talent at once; I’m just happy that it’s CHRISTMAS.

Tom: I mean, both those things can be true.

Tim: It’s safe to say that “All I Want For Christmas Is You Sodding Right Off”–

Tom: Ha!

Tim: –probably wouldn’t have sold quite as many records for Mariah, but other bands have done it entirely successfully (looking at you, Dragonette), and this pretty much works. Not as well as that Dragonette track, obviously, because that’s a work of art, but well enough.

Tom: Full marks to the producer for that step down from the chorus to the second verse: that steady descent turned what’s usually a dull bit of a track into something that fits really well. You’re right, there’s a lot to like here: the horn section, the big chorus, even the more-interesting-than-usual-for-pop rhythms that show up in the middle eight.

Tim: It’s got all the festive necessities, and while it may not be an all time great, this year we’ve got The Fizz for that, so this’ll do.

Tom: Mate. Well, at least we’ve got her offering from last year.

Pitbull feat. Rhea – Ocean To Ocean

Tom: I guess we should talk about this.

Tim: Oh, boy should we talk about this.

Tom: Here’s the thing: the internet has recently decided that it loves Toto’s Africa , to the extent that Weezer were essentially bullied into covering it. That cover is getting a surprising amount of US airplay.

Given that, I can absolutely see why Pitbull took this and ran with it. The internet has already decided it hates him; why not lean into it and enjoy the royalties?

Tom: CONTROVERSIAL OPINION: for the parts that involve anyone and anything other than Pitbull, this cover of Africa is better than Weezer’s cover of Africa. It does something different and interesting! There’s a proper drum fill! There are even, I think, some interesting harmony parts going on in the background of that chorus.

Tim: Do you know, I don’t disagree with a single word of that. You’re right, it’s really good.

Tom: This is pretty much what an Almighty Records cover of Africa would be like, and I think we can agree that’d be an amazing cover if it existed.

Tim: Hands down.

Tom: The problem is, of course, Pitbull, doing the exact self-aggrandising schtick he’s been doing for years.

Tim: Yes. He is, basically, Jason Derulo, Nicki Minaj and Wally Williams all rolled into one. There was potential – and he blew it. Dick.