Saturday Reject: Vidar Villa – Moren Din

“She’s tanned, she’s wet, beautiful and wild, I think you know who I mean.”

Tim: Dansband!

Tom: Yes! Dansband!

Tim: No-one votes for it, it’d probably have tanked last night, but oh, just listen to this Norwegian studio audience. Though I think that might be partly the lyrics…

Tom: I’m, like, 90% sure that’s Norwegian Alan Carr there.

Tim: Well, prepare for the lyrics, see if they reinforce that. “I’ve fallen in love again, think I’ve found my soulmate; she’s tanned, she’s wet, beautiful and wild, I think you know who I mean.” Yup, so far so good.

Tom: I… I don’t know who he means.

Tim: Well let’s look to the chorus: “I want your mum, I want her lips on my cheek.” SCREAMS OF APPRECIATION, dancing all over the place, he’s the audience’s favourite by a country mile.

Tom: Hahahahaha, it’s amazing, it’s a three-minute your-mum joke, complete with a winking pianist.

Tim: That’s not the only good thing about it, of course: hell, I liked it even before I knew what the lyrics were, because it’s an enjoyable genre and it’s always nice to have a bit of variety in the mix. It also sounds truly heartfelt as he sings it, and the faces of those women at the very end make it all worth it.

Tom: I’m not sure there’s enough material in the music there even for three minutes, but who cares: that was one for the crowd.

Tim: All in all: music’s fun, lyrics are fun, IT’S ALL FUN.

Saturday Reject: Ditte Marie – Riot

“Every single anthemic component you’d want for a good proper actual riot.”

Tim: Ditte’s here for Denmark, and apparently she’s none too keen on being separated from her bae.

Tim: Slightly weird lyrics, really, because unless one of them’s going to prison or there’s some sort of Montague-Capulet situation going on, I don’t quite see how this situation might crop up in the future, but never mind that, let’s judge the music.

Tom: This is giving me very weird feeling: I am simultaneously sure I’ve heard this before, and sure that I haven’t. It’s like the textbook Melodifestivalen track, like someone’s chucked every vaguely-anthemic Swedish track there’s ever been into a blender and just gone, yeah, okay, that’ll do.

Tim: You’re not too far off, there, and I had a similar feeling. Though, while a “that’ll do” attitude normally results in a bit of a stinker, given the right ingredients what it gives here is, let’s be frank, a BANGER. Hell of a chorus, which like you said has every single anthemic component you’d want for a good proper actual riot, so full points there.

Tom: I mean, yes, it manages that. If I can get over the weird sense of not-quite-deja-vu, I can see what it’s trying for.

Tim: Backing dancers in military outfits also add bonus points, though at this point I’m starting to worry she’s a little over-prepared, and kind of think she might just have beef with society in general. Still, even if that is the case she certainly gets her point across. Criticisms, well, that return from the middle eight goes on twice as long as it really needs to, and I certainly wouldn’t begrudge them a key change there, passé as it may be. Otherwise, like I said: BANGING.

Saturday Reject: Moncho – Cuba Libre

“Pink and yellow lighting! Multiple key changes! Floral headwear! Bleeping out the rude word describing how hard they’re going to dance!”

Tim: One of my favourite things about January is that every year the BBC brings back Death in Paradise, a murder mystery series set on a fictional Caribbean island that has such a high murder rate that you really wonder why on Earth anybody would want to go there on holiday. But I digress – here, cruelly knocked out at Andra Chansen, is a basically an extended version of its theme tune.

Tom: Cruelly knocked out?

Tim: Oh, absolutely – like I said the other day, Andra Chansen was something of a disgrace, and this lost out to a rather generic tropical pop song.

Tom: Which is… well, not unreasonable, really. It may be catchy, but it’s also got something of the Agadoo about it.

Tim: Oh, HARSH. Even if it was never going to win, let’s at least mention the fact that it would sure as hell have brought some extra variety to the final. Pink and yellow lighting! Multiple key changes! Floral headwear! Bleeping out the rude word describing how hard they’re going to dance!

Tom: Which was pretty strange: I thought Melodifestivalen just left things like that uncensored. Fair play for the key changes, though.

Tim: WHY CAN’T I HAVE MY FUN, SWEDEN.

Saturday Reject: Ida Maria – Scandilove

“Ida, let me remind you of Eurovision rule 1.2.2(h), which states clearly that song lyrics may not bring Eurovision ‘into disrepute’.”

Tim: NORWAY, God, I almost forgot about Norway – that was a great final, and these songs really are piling up. You may remember Ida as the one who had that hit “I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked” ten years ago; she’s kept going, had has plenty more songs since, including this one (which, um, you probably shouldn’t play too loudly in a public place).

Tom: Well, it made me smile. But, that’s about it.

Tim: “Why bother even trying to hit the notes when you can get the volume and have really raunchy lyrics?” was presumably the thinking; the answer turned out be that if you do that then you won’t get past the first round.

Tom: And raunchy lyrics aren’t necessarily good lyrics, either.

Tim: I’ll be perfectly honest: I can’t really see that this was ever a serious contender. It’s a hell of a lot of fun, sure, but Ida: let me remind you of Eurovision rule 1.2.2(h), which states clearly that song lyrics may not bring Eurovision ‘into disrepute’, and blimey if this wouldn’t do that then I don’t know what would.

Tom: This’d be a crowd-pleaser for the live audience on the night, of course, but it’d never win.

Tim: No. I mean, she and her subcontinent may be able to go twelve hours straight, but those Russian grandmas don’t wasn’t to hear that. BUT, like I said, hell of a lot of fun, and let’s be honest it’s hardly as if this song would get much of an outing elsewhere. Good work Ida.

Saturday Reject: Dotter – Cry

“A huge, dark expanse on screen. Perfectly fits the song, but won’t endear it to anyone.”

Tim: Tom, I don’t know if it’s been a great year for national competitions, or if I’ve just been watching more of them than previously, but there have been a hell of a lot of good songs rejected. Sorry to do this to you, but we’ve only got one more week, so we’re going to have to cram a load in. Let’s return to Sweden, with a somewhat melancholy song knocked out in 6th (SIXTH) place.

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Tim: So it’s no real surprise, let’s face it – it’s way too dark, there’s very little sign of any audience cheering and not a huge amount to bring forth excitement.

Tom: Some very interesting directing choices there, too: Dotter’s isolated on stage, with no background, and frequently with unsettling camera angles: slightly out of the frame, or facing away from a huge, dark expanse on screen. Perfectly fits the song, but won’t endear it to anyone.

Tim: It brings to mind, a lot, Sanna Nielsen’s Undo from 2014, which of course went on to win; it’s led by a strong female vocal (WHAT a vocal), with precious little instrumentation behind. In terms of her movements, there’s a lot of inspiration from Loreen with nothing in the background, just her swinging around all over the place. Except, both of those cases had things to make up for them: Sanna had fun with the lighting, and Loreen had amazing upbeat music. This…this doesn’t have either of those.

Tom: Right! This feels almost like watching a rehearsal.

Tim: It’s a great song, but staged like this it sure as hell isn’t a competition winner.

Saturday Reject: Mimi Werner – Songburning

“That’s a coincidence, my new prog band is called the Disingenous Fireworks.“

Tim: Andra Chansen this year was, to put it mildly, a total farce. For those that don’t know the details, the third and fourth songs from each heat get mixed up and pitted against each other as four one on one duels; this year, two songs vastly better than their competitors got knocked out, there was one pairing where both songs were dull and one pairing where both were great. Here, we have one that lost out to the most tedious ballad the contest has seen since 2014’s Bröder, which for context was a song about the singer’s dead brother.

Tim: I won’t pretend this song is perfect – for starters, I’ve always slightly disapproved of things like fireworks or falling glitter on stage, as for me it symbolises “this has just won” – there are exceptions, obviously, but most of the time it strikes me as a bit disingenuous.

Tom: That’s a coincidence, my new prog band is called the Disingenous Fireworks.

Tim: And while I love the use of the song’s title as a dynamite fuse here, the massive, massive amounts of pyrotechnics just don’t quite seem earned.

As far as the actual song goes, though: it’s brilliant. and I wouldn’t change a note.

Tom: You sure about that? I mean, it’s not bad, but it’s by no means a Eurovision winner.

Tim: Hmm…alright, I might bring in the beat a bit sooner – gentle strumming doesn’t suit this.

Nicoline – Feel Good Mood

“COME ON PEOPLE LET’S MAKE IT HAPPEN.”

Tim: Remember Nicoline?

Tom: No!

Tim: Sounds about right. She’s the one who competed to enter Eurovision for Norway with a performance that I refused to classify as a Reject. Here’s her follow up.

Tim: And that further justifies what I said back then: proper pop star, making properly good pop songs, but sadly right now getting nowhere near the recognition that she deserves. That could change, of course – happened for Zara Larsson, though I’ve no idea where she’s got to recently – and I really hope it does. Damn, this really could be a proper ‘sound of the summer’ track.

Tom: I was going to be all cynical about this, but then the chorus kicked in. I disagree that it’s a ‘sound of the summer’ contender — the lyrics are stuck on about one note in every line, and I’m not sure those high-pitched vocal samples in the background work as well as the producer thinks they do. That said: brilliant chorus, great production, there’s definitely something good here.

Tim: It’s a great track. Brilliant. SO COME ON PEOPLE LET’S MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Fabrizio Faniello – Unexpected

“Pretty much every single part of it could feasibly be found in a ‘please let me win’ Eurovision contestant.”

Tim: For your consumption today, a Maltese ballad with two key changes. Interested?

Tom: Crikey, the first 30 seconds or so of this are dull, but I suppose it pays off in the end.

Tim: I was actually quite surprised when I discovered this wasn’t written for Eurovision, as pretty much every single part of it could feasibly be found in a ‘please let me win’ contestant. We’ve the three minute length, and the gradual build throughout the first minute until BANG the drums hit and things kick off properly. The inappropriately friendly dancer, and the ludicrous PAUSE; SWOOSH up to that first key change.

Tom: And that chorus is that mix of familiarity-and-novelty that pop writers aim for. You’ve got the harmonies and backing singers coming in after the middle eight… you’re right, it’s all there, even in the video.

Tim: Right: the sudden appearance of unnecessary staging elements (well, actors, but same thing), and the smoke machines all over the place. All in all, it’s a textbook Eurovision track. Admittedly, one that probably wouldn’t make it past the semis, but still. It’s quite nice for that. I think.

GJan – Tabletė

“Somewhat banging.”

Tim: GJan’s off Lithuania, and I’ll ask you to bear in mind that this song significantly improves when it gets to the chorus.

Tom: I’m going to pronounce that name in the manner of a Hollywood-movie bullet being fired and ricocheting off some metal. G-JAN. Sorry, carry on.

Tim: No, for all I know you might be right. I mean, you’re probably not, but you might be.

Tom: You’re not wrong about it getting better at the chorus. It’s just a shame about… well, almost everything else.

Tim: Now it may not surprise you to learn that I don’t know any Lithuanian whatsoever, but fortunately YouTube user ‘I have a Cock’ has been kind enough to translate the lyrics in the comments.

Tom: Well, there’s a username that tells you all you need to know.

Tim: Nice, isn’t it? While I can now tell you that Tabletė means Pill, I still don’t really know what the song’s about, though it’s leaning towards the “this relationship’s not in a good place” area. That comes across in the sound, I think, and particularly in the verses, where she sounds almost vulnerable. The chorus is really quite different, and very much better for it, because that backing is (not to put too fine a point on it) somewhat banging.

Tom: It is, but can I remember any of it? Not even that chorus, let alone those slow verses. I don’t remember disliking it, I just… don’t remember any of it. But, sure, I’ll go with ‘somewhat banging’.

Tim: Good, because I like that. I like it quite a lot.

Mørland – Leo

“A tad mawkish? Possibly.”

Tim: I heard this and thought “oh, wow, someone’s actually written a same sex love song, that’s brilliant”; turns out it’s about his son, but I guess that’s still quite nice.

Tom: He’s done the same thing as Matt Bellamy, I think, and sampled the fetal heartbeat as an introduction.

Tim: A tad mawkish? Possibly, but with instrumentation like that underneath it I really don’t care, because it is utterly gorgeous. Strong piano, percussion where it’s right, and OH, that string section under the chorus is just so lovely.

Tom: And the composition’s pretty good there too.

Tim: It’s interesting, because it almost distracts me from his vocal line completely, with that fading out as soon as I realise how lovely the melody is and focus on that. I don’t know if that’s a good thing for the song as a whole, but it sure as hell pleases me. It’s lovely. And, however overstated the lyrics may be, it’s also got a sweet message, whoever you think he’s singing it to.

Tom: It does, but to me that word you used earlier — mawkish — sums it up well. It feels like he’s the worst version of those parents who constantly post dozens, hundreds, maybe thousands of photos of their kid on Facebook. Great, you wrote your kid a song. With his name in it. Well done.

Tim: Sidebar: Mørland wrote my favourite of this year’s Eurovision rejects; that’ll be up here on Eurovision day, so do check back, you won’t regret it.