Agnetha Fältskog & Gary Barlow – I Should Have Followed You Home

“Romantics will want to switch off.”

Tom: Crikey, that is a strong line-up.

Tim: Two former members of huge bands, one duet. Before you push play though: this is an incredibly depressing song and any romantics will want to switch off until tomorrow.

Tim: At least, lyrically it’s very depressing, and that annoys me. Because musically it’s lovely, really – the two of them are at the top of their game and it could so easily be a happy love song.

Tom: It’s lovely, yes, but also a bit dull — and I don’t know what I’ve got to pin that opinion on, only that the “ooh-oohs” in the chorus just left me a bit cold. But yes, it could be a happy love song.

Tim: Instead, we hear about two people who both regret parting after one night. But here’s what really gets me: the middle eight. Or, more precisely, what immediately follows it. (Brace yourself for what’s coming.)

Tom: Have you read more into these lyrics than was intended, by any chance?

Tim: Well, look. Basically, this song could tell a story. It could be a romantic film. We’ve had the basic introduction about the first magical night, we’ve had the regrets the two have felt since. So, enter the middle eight. The closing scenes. The lyrics “Snow falls, street lights paint your face,” and you think they’ve seen each other in the street, after years of anguish. You get her singing “maybe if you want to I’ll see you soon again,” and we know he wants to. So basically, the ending’s obvious: they change the lines for the chorus. The two of them run to each other. They grow old together. They have a family. It’s lovely. Except, no.

Tom: You really do get involved in these tracks.

Tim: Don’t interrupt, I’m getting emotional. You promised it in the lyrics, you even put nice twinkly noises coming into the final chorus to give us all hope, excitement and goosebumps, and then you STOLE IT FROM US. It would haver been WONDERFUL, but no. The two are DOOMED for a LIFETIME APART. WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS, BARLOW? WHY WOULD YOU TAKE MY HAPPY ENDING?

Tom: Heh. “Happy ending”.

Tim: I’m going to ignore that pathetic innuendo, because I’M CRYING TOO MUCH.

Gary Barlow & The Commonwealth Band feat. Military Wives – Sing

“…like some kind of beardy musical messiah”

Tom: Right, brace yourself, Tim. It’s Summer Charity Songs today and tomorrow.

Tim: Oh, really?

Tom: We start with this one, for the Jubilee.

Tim: Well, it would take a special kind of person who negatively reviews that, so I won’t be him. But I will say: oh, bloody hell.

Tom: First of all, let’s get the ridiculous bits out of the way: yes, it has Gary Barlow travelling the world like some kind of beardy musical messiah on a walkabout. Yes, it has a conductor in a bow tie. And yes, it’s almost certainly inspired by the wonderful, world-wide cover of Stand By Me that did the rounds.

Tim: Ridiculous-wise, those things don’t even compare to it. What about the opening?

Tom: Yes, there are more ridiculous things here. It starts with Prince Charles listening to it. And Prince Charles is inherently ridiculous. Full marks to Prince Harry, mind, for amiably handling his occasional tambourine taps with a knowing grin.

Tim: Well, there is that.

Tom: Actually, hang on: there’s more ridiculous things. They rhymed “sing it clearer” and “everyone will hear ya”. Not “you”. “Ya”. Plus, it’s partly written by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Plus, plus, plus, there isn’t even a damned key change, and if ever a song needed one…

Tim: Yes – it really does go on, doesn’t it? Especially the marching band bit at the end, which sounds horribly disjointed from the rest of it.

Tom: The thing is, it’s not a bad piece of music. It’s just a bit ridiculous.

Robbie Williams & Gary Barlow – Shame

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say: I think this song is perfect.

Tom: How did we miss this? Robbie Williams’ new single, featuring Gary Barlow, is coming out on October 4th and it completely passed us by.

Tom: First of all, let’s be clear: this is not the Take That we’re-friends-with-Robbie-again new single. This is a Robbie Williams track that Gary Barlow’s featuring on. Which is fine, because it turns out really quite nicely. It’s a slow one, and while I always preferred ‘Let Me Entertain You’ to ‘Angels’, I still have a soft spot for ‘Feel’, ‘Come Undone’, and so on. Is ‘Shame’ of that calibre? Well, no. But it’d be difficult for these two to turn out anything that wasn’t at least ‘rather good’, and sure enough this one’s a really nice bit of pop.

Tim: That is lovely. And not lovely like Sha-la-lie lovely, but lovely like end-of-a-Richard-Curtis-film lovely. It began at the first chorus, the second chorus was when I really thought ‘oh, yes’, and from then on it just snowballed to glacier-size by the end.

Tom: As for the video – well, I get the feeling that’s going to be more your domain.

Tim: Well, as long as you don’t mind enough homo-eroticism to fill a Russell T. Davies drama with enough left over to drown John Barrowman, you’ll be loving it. Particularly Robbie’s gaze at 2:25. The slightly sad part of me also liked the timing of the shot glass on the table and pointing the finger about 85 seconds in.

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say: I think this song is perfect. As a song celebrating a reunion between two friends who broke up (which is exactly what it is and should be), there’s nothing it should have that it doesn’t. And it also fits in Toys R Us, which adds at least five bonus points.

Tom: Whoa, hang on. There’s no way this song is perfect. The Toys R Us reference grates like hell, the comedy ending will get old very quickly – they are not Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – and it’s really all that memorable. Does it tick all the boxes? Yes. Is it perfect like the medley off the end of the Beatles’ Abbey Road? No. No it’s not.

Tim: I’m not saying the song’s perfect in a best song of all time way, just in a sense of being absolutely and entirely appropriate for the current stage of their music careers. It’s a song about friends getting back together and forgetting old differences, and in that setting I think it’s brilliant.