Liam Payne – Bedroom Floor

“Do I want to hear it again? Obviously, no.”

Tom: A vague pineapple scent wafts in.

Tim: Oh. Oh, there are some interesting words there. And vocal effects. And a half-arsed attitude to the tropical genre. And that haircut, mate, you’re not Manchester in the 90s.

Tom: I made a list of all the lyrics that annoyed me in the first verse. The “Baby / lately” rhyme. “Real real nice real nice things”, which is just stuttering so it vaguely fits the rhythm that’s needed. “Real real real real real”, which is just lazy. The words “iPhone, iPhone rings”, followed by what actually sounds like him imitating an iPhone.

Tim: Yeah, it was the iPhone one that really got me. Just, eurgh.

Tom: I mean, there’s the autotune too, but by this point I was ready to give up the song as a bad job, but that pre-chorus was just a little bit promising. Then I heard the chorus, and its seemingly-endless repetition, and basically gave up. If you’re going to repeat just one chorus line, make sure you’ve got more than one note in it.

Tim: Oh no that’s not fair – it goes at least one note up at the end of the last line each time, let’s give him that.

Tom: My two signs of a good pop song: first, do I want to hear it again? Here, obviously, no. But second, can I sing the chorus after one listen? And here, yes I can. So while I don’t like it, I don’t think it’s good… I suspect it might do well anyway.

Zedd, Liam Payne – Get Low

“Gellow! Gellow! Hanson-yehwes-lestgo!”

Tim: Hey, remember six weeks or so ago when no-one in the world could believe quite how useless Liam’s solo debut was? Well here’s a speedy follow-up.

Tom: “Gellow! Gellow! Hanson-yehwes-lestgo!” I wouldn’t normally pick on someone for their diction in a song, but it’s like he’s deliberately slurring.

Tim: I mean it’s still not remotely brilliant, and I think what we have here is very much what we had with Niall: first single is entirely shit, so the second single can only really go up. There are definitively good things about it, though: the music is good, although most of that probably comes from Zedd so, erm, hmm.

Tom: Right! Liam could be replaced by any generic session vocalist here. Which isn’t bad in itself, there are plenty of vocalists who make their mark in other ways, but… well, he hasn’t.

Tim: It doesn’t have any lyrics like “I used to be in 1D, now I’m free”, though that might just be because by the end of the song it feels like ninety per cent of all the words ever spoken have been “get low”.

Tom: Or, indeed, “gellow”.

Tim: Peculiarly, there is one scenario that no-one seems to have at all considered (except possibly Louis – great interview, that): that not all members of the group should pursue solo careers. I don’t quite know where the expectation came from, unless it’s just that “people will listen to them, so just get on and make them, alright?” But now we’re here, and everyone’s going to compare them, and some will inevitably come off worse. And Liam: well, you’re not in first place right now.

Tom: Harsh, but not unfair.

Liam Payne feat. Quavo – Strip That Down

“Have they saved the best until last?”

Tom: Is that all of them? I’ve lost track.

Tim: It is, and so the natural question is: have they saved the best until last?

Tim: Hahahahah yeah no.

Tom: Ah, Tesco Value Zayn: months later and not as good.

Tim: “I used to be used to be in 1D/now I’m out free” sums it up, really, in every way.

Tom: For a few seconds, when he’s in the gold jacket in the ludicrous bedroom doing a Meaningful Look at the camera, I was convinced that this was actually a parody.

Tim: Hmm, this could actually work well as a Lonely Island style track. But no. Oh, no.

Tom: The “yeah yeah yeah” sounds like a knock-off Ed Sheeran. The autotuned rap middle eight is unnecessary.

Tim: You say unnecessary, I say just plain offensive. And why has he named himself after a packet of crisps?

Tom: The world that comes to mind for this whole track is…

Tim: Irritating? Pointless?

Tom: Unconvincing.