Jason Derulo & David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj & Willy William – Goodbye

“I genuinely want to punch you for sending me this, Tim.”

Tim: Reader: I’M SORRY. Tom: consider this revenge for that Ting Tings garbage last week.

Tom: I actually facepalmed when I saw the title of this.

Tom: That actually had promise, just a little bit of promise, right up until Derulo muttered his name to introduce the first verse.

Tim: Now, I’ve checked, and the original wasn’t written by Andrea, in any way, and so technically he can’t stop this. But surely – surely – there’s some sort of legal action that could have been brought against someone, by anybody, just to prevent this aural nightmare from ever seeing the light of day.

Tom: YOU STILL SENT IT TO ME, TIM. You could have stopped this, at least here.

Tim: Hmm, yeah, but then you might have heard it accidentally anyway and I wouldn’t have got to experience your reaction. Because, oh, jeez, what is going on. “One word in Espanõl and I come and you know.” “Girls in Spain do the mostest.” “Down for my fatty fatty.” “I pull up on him, let him put the pipe in.” “Then I’ve gotta dash like a hyphen.” That’s just the English – I’ve no idea what the Spanish/French lyrics are, and I have absolutely no intention of looking them up.

Tom: I just looked up the “culo” at the end, and it means “ass”. So, there’s that. Admittedly that’s not as bad as the middle eight. I genuinely want to punch you for sending me this, Tim.

Tim: TING. TINGS. This really is a disgrace, and everybody involved should (and I don’t think there’s any hyperbole here) be strung up and shot. Although, the worst thing about this – worse than all of those lyrics put together, even – is that actually, I quite like what they’ve done with the chorus. Heresy it may be, but there is room for a good reinterpretation of the song.

Tom: You’re not wrong; there’s possibilities in here, and it’s entirely possible to make a pop track out of something classical. It has been done, lots of times, and I’d want to see it if it happened.

Tim: This…this just really, really isn’t it.

DNCE feat. Nicki Minaj – Kissing Strangers

“But then, there’s that middle eight.”

Tom: If you’re wondering what the chord progression — and maybe some of the verse melody — remind you of, I think it’s probably Mika’s “Relax (Take It Easy)”.

Tom: Thing is, aside from that irritating resemblance, and those questionable “ayyyyy” sounds from Joe Jonas — for it is he — this is a really, really good song. Enough retro influence to be friendly, modern enough to sound good on the charts, and it can definitely be danced to.

Tim: Well, it actually doesn’t remind me of that song, but that might be because it’s ages since I’ve heard it. It is a good song, though. Well, mostly. I think we’re in agreement on that.

Tom: But then, there’s that middle eight.

Tim: Yes. Or rather, no.

Tom: There are some songs where Nicki Minaj fits. (Bang Bang. Back Together.) This… well, I don’t think this is one of them.

Tim: No. Nooooo, nooo, no.

Tom: Also, I’m fairly sure someone’s just put all her previous guest verses into a Markov chain so she doesn’t actually have to perform any new ones.

…actually, that’d be a pretty good idea.

Tim: Certainly save a lot of time. And it might make featuring her a bit less attractive an idea. I’m up for it.

Bebe Rexha feat. Nicki Minaj – No Broken Hearts

Tom: A name I haven’t seen before, but she’s got Nicki Minaj as a featured artist — and a decent songwriting career. Okay, I’m intrigued.

Tim: Ah, I see we’ve gone back to 2009.

Tom: Harsh, but not entirely unfair. That is an astonishingly good introduction, leading into an amazing hook. And note that they went straight into the hook — no first verse here. It’s a weird combination of upbeat lyrics and melody with downbeat tempo and percussion, and, for me at least, it really, really works.

Tim: Ehhhhh…I quite want to like this, because you’re right, that is a good hook. But the rest of it? It’s just terrible, mate. The verses are tedious, Nicki Minaj’s bit is, well, exactly what I expected, but most of all, that autotune – it sounds like something movie kidnappers use to disguise their voice, it’s been laid on so thick.

Tom: The verses: they’ll do well enough, and as for Nicki Minaj’s bit: well, that was never going to be a good match for either of our tastes, was it? But then we’re definitely not the target audience.

Tim: Understatement of the decade, there.

Tom: I can’t explain why I like this. It’s not even because of the near-nudity in the music video, I had it in a background tab. It’s just the hook: it’s that good.

Tim: As was yesterday’s chorus. But similarly, it’s nowhere near good enough to rescue the rest of it.

Robin Thicke feat. Nicki Minaj – Back Together

“Robin Thicke… is entirely replaceable here.”

Tim: Occasionally, you get tracks that are by awful people and that you really want to hate, and it’s incredibly annoying when they’re actually pretty good.

Tim: You see? Nicki Minaj aside (which almost makes it worse), this is a really decent track.

Tom: Agreed — and despite the fact that I’ve got a lot of respect for Nicki Minaj, that middle eight really isn’t to my taste. But you know what? There’s no-one else who could do her job on this song. Those are her lyrics, in her voice. Robin Thicke, though, is entirely replaceable here: he brings nothing that couldn’t be achieved by a decent session vocalist.

Tim: Exactly – a decent session vocalist would have been fine, so why Robin bloody Thicke? He’s just SUCH A TWAT. But this time, I can’t really hold the lyrics against him – even they’re OK, if we ignore the bit at the start when he refers to himself as a ‘beast”.

Tom: Really? ‘Cos this is some pretty dodgy stalker-ex stuff. “I want to live between your legs”? Really?

Tim: Compared to “what rhymes with hug me?”, I’ll take it. The vocals are softly sung and on point, with a catchy but not irritating hook to them, and the melody and instrumentation is all very enjoyable indeed. Basically, 99% of Robin Thicke’s part of this song is really good, and I utterly hate that.

Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj – Bang Bang

“Basically a Little Mix album track.”

Tom: There’s not a “feat.” to be seen in that artist credit: it’s all three of them working together. Surely this can’t be anything but brilliant?

Tim: Well, certainly not if you’re a fan of at least two of them.

Tom: Ah, damn. That’s basically a Little Mix album track, isn’t it?

Tim: Hmm. I always really want to like Ariana Grande tracks, though that’s mostly just because she has a name that sounds like a font. Music-wise, I’ve never found a song that fits with me.

Tom: Don’t get me wrong: the voices can’t be faulted. They’re all brilliant performers at the top of their game. And while all the ingredients are there: big-band instruments, vocal harmonies, a middle eight from one of the few rappers who can pull off a decent middle eight… it’s just a fairly dull song.

Tim: Possibly – not sure, this is really not a genre I’m a fan of. It’s certainly true that technically I can’t fault it, but also that there’s nothing there to get me going.

Tom: The production’s great. The vocals are great. But the actual song itself just ain’t up to it.

Madonna feat. MIA and Nicki Minaj – Give Me All Your Lovin’

My brain can’t quite cope with what’s going on in this video.

Tom: My brain can’t quite cope with what’s going on in this video.

Tim: Ah, finally doing this, are we?

Tom: “Finally”? I know it’s been getting radio play, but the formal release date’s this week. And yes, I know that doesn’t really count in the age of downloads, but still.

Tim: Oh, alright then, if we must. I’m not sure what’s in the video, but I’ll bet you anything that’s it’s not as weird as bringing a statue of Jesus to life and then discovering stigmata on your hands.

Tom: Nicki Minaj: yep, I can see her doing the cheerleader getup. Suits her. But that’s MIA, whose image is more hard-ass political than preppy cheerleader. For crying out loud, in her last video she had an all-female veil-wearing Muslim stunt driving team. And now she’s chanting backing vocals and waving pompoms for Madonna?

Tim: Hmm. Normally in this place I’d think of some reason to justify it. But…nope. Can’t come up with one.

Tom: Anyway: the music sounds, well, like an updated version of Madonna. It’s clearly her voice, clearly her sound, but the production is just as clearly from this millennium. It’s never going to be a famous singalong hit in a couple of decades’ time, but it’s pretty damn good.

Tim: Meh, it’s alright. Decent, sure, but it’s not as good as the lead single off a new Madonna album should be.

Tom: But MIA. What… what happened?

Nicki Minaj feat. Rihanna – Fly

Nicki Minaj in “Not Completely Annoying” shocker.

Tom: The headline from this one: Nicki Minaj in “Not Completely Annoying” shocker.

Tim: And, the MTV Award for ‘Most Hairstyles in a Single Video’ goes to…

Tom: For the uninitiated: Nicki Minaj is the high-pitched voice behind that damned ‘Super Bass’ track that plagued the summer. This new one’s a lot different though – and it’s a hell of a lot calmer. But the star here is Rihanna, clearly – I’m not sure there’s been a track she’s featured on before that’s shown off her voice quite so well.

Tim: Are you kidding me? What, you never heard California King Bed (an absolutely stunning track, by the way)? Though I suppose if you’re limiting it to ‘feat. Rihanna’ tracks, you may have a point, but you’ve still got Love the Way You Lie, where she’s doing a hell of a lot more than here, where she’s only really been given the fly-yy-yy-yy-yyy.

Tom: Yep, just ‘featured’ ones – and I know she generally knocks it out the park every time, but there’s something her vocals on this particular track that just floored me. It’s a bit of a shame about the rap part, though.

Tim: Almost a given, really.

Tom: “I represent an entire generation”? No you don’t, Nicki.