Category: Christmas

Saturday Flashback: Gregorian – A Spaceman Came Travelling

“You remember Gregorian.”

Tim: You remember Gregorian – they’re from Germany, and typically do covers of songs in a medieval chanting style.

Tom: For once, I actually do remember them. They… left an impression.

Tim: You’ll be ASTOUNDED to hear that they’ve made a Christmas album, cunningly entitled Christmas Chants. It’s hard to pick a stand-out track, largely because most of them are tedious and forgettable.

Tom: Like almost all Christmas songs. And almost all novelty Gregorian chant covers.

Tim: Cynical, but very true. However, there are a couple of gems on there. Try this.

Tim: It’s safe to say this has always been a somewhat ridiculous (albeit excellent) track, what with the whole reimagining of Jesus being from space, and the idea that something weird like God aliens impregnating a woman does indeed happen every couple of thousand years (genuinely, it came from a poem and everything).

Tom: I think my main complaint about this track is the phrase “light years of time”. Light years are a distance, damn it.

Tim: Top marks for pedantry. Reimagining the song as a Gregorian chant (which it definitely is and I won’t have you convince me any other way) doesn’t really do anything to change the ridiculousness – in fact, the ah-ah-ah-ah-etc almost sounds more suited here than with Chris de Burgh’s original, which basically amounts to yelling.

Tom: If you ignore the lyrics, it almost sounds like a genuine religious chant. I’ll give them that. But aside from that: just no.

Tim: Either way, though, guess we need to start preparing for those aliens.

Cruz Beckham – If Everyday Was Christmas

“It’s all downhill from there.”

Tim: I finished off yesterday’s post with “nice work, everyone”. SPOILER ALERT: I won’t be saying that today.

Tom: The first few seconds are promising. And then there’s those autotuned “ooohs”. And it’s all downhill from there.

Tim: Now, I have no problem with people getting a leg up from famous parents – the world is a better place for having Wrecking Ball in it, for example – but, there has to be some notable talent there to begin with. This? This just sounds like he’s said “Dad, Brooklyn got to hang out with The Vamps, why I can’t do stuff like that?” and David said “oh, we’ve got loads of cash, hire a recording studio.”

Tom: I have a feeling that a few more managers and agents were involved than that, but yes, that’s not an unlikely story.

Tim: The output is bland, the lyrics are stupid (think about what Christmas every day would actually be like), and…

Tom: I mean, that didn’t stop Wizzard, and there have been enough hackneyed comedy routines about that already. You’re right that it’s bland — but that’s not stopped lots of other songs before. And while I agree that, overall, this is not a particularly good song, I will admit to actually liking the first three lines of the chorus.

Tim: Hmm…

Tom: I can’t believe I’m defending any of this song, but seriously: those three lines are really nice.

Tim: Well, I suppose technically you’re right, but I can’t help thinking, with the line ending “…with you”, that the song was written for someone else, maybe someone who’s not so young they’ve never been around for a decent Spider-Man film – and that someone else may well have done a more listenable recording of it.

To be honest, I can’t really think of any reason this version of this song exists other than to make one single toddler happy. And surely, that’s not why we should have music.

Matt Terry – When Christmas Comes Around

“Hmm, bit damp.”

Tim: Halfway through December, we’ve finally got a new Christmas track worth looking at! Matt won X Factor at the weekend, and became the first winner since Shane Ward back in 2005 to have an original single to release, in this case written by, and sounding like it was written by, Ed Sheeran.

Tom: That was so promising until those last two words.

Tim: So I caught up on the final, and my first thought when he started singing was “hmm, bit damp”.

Tom: You’re not wrong.

Tim: The drop into the chorus, for a start, is nowhere near what I wanted – so I picked my iPad up and started scrolling through Twitter and the like, and a minute or so later I realised that actually, I quite liked it.

Tom: It’s got that typical Ed Sheeran cadence in it that I’ve just taken against: lots of quickfire rhymes with a really simple rhythm all within one line. Lin-Manuel Miranda can pull that off. Ed Sheeran… well, it doesn’t seem to work quite so well.

Tim: It’s no big Christmas banger, obviously, but it’s not designed to be – it’s a have on in the background when you’re chatting around the table after a Christmas meal type song. And for that, I actually really like it.

Tom: I’m just not sold. 2000 Miles fits that description. Stay Another Day fits that description. This is neither of those songs. Actually, those are both songs written for people who’d died, so maybe that’s what this song is missing: death.

Tim: You know, I’m really not sure about that being a Christmas message I want in general. Instead, I’ll good with my view: nice work, everyone.

Saturday Flashback: Backstreet Boys – It’s Christmas Time Again

“It seems more like they wanted to do a Christmas song.”

Tim: It’s December, I’m waking up to sub-zero temperatures, and Christmas tracks are all out in force, so LET’S JOIN IN, but we’ll begin with a Yuletide tale of days gone by.

Tom: And I’ll provide a bit of context for our new reader: over December, Tim sends me Christmas tracks. I’m a lot more cynical about Christmas music than he is. Actually, I’m a lot more cynical about many things than he is, but here it’s just a bit more obvious.

Tim: And every year, I change to change his mind. So, waaaaaaaaay way back when, in their 1996 heyday, Backstreet Boys did a Christmas song, Christmas Time. It was typical Backstreet Boys ballad and, much like *NSync’s one, was ill-advised and generally a bit shit.

Tom: That’s 99% of Christmas music right there.

Tim: Sixteen years later, though, when they got back together they decided to have another go, with a pleasing self-referential title.

Tim: And that’s one that’s really not shit. It seems more like they wanted to do a Christmas song, rather than were just told “you need to do a Christmas song so we can release a Christmas version of this album”.

Tom: It’s not like they just took an old track and added some sleigh bells over the top. It’s actually not all that bad, is it?

Tim: I don’t know if it’s partly just because I’m judging it from a 2016 perspective – 20 years ago the first may have seemed perfectly acceptable – but this is just so much more fun. More life, more instruments, more general bangingness…

Tom: Excuse me?

Tim: You heard. Quite surprised I’ve never used that word before, to be honest. Still, though, they’re keeping in all the standard bells, chimes and twinkliness of a typical track.

Tom: And some incredibly unflattering artwork. But yes, I’ll grant you, this is at least above average as Christmas tracks go.

Tim: Ah, we’re off to a good start then. Incidentally, what first drew my attention to this was the fact that the typically reliable Ida LaFontaine covered it last year; it’s not on YouTube, tediously, but is very much worth seeking out on Spotify or Apple Music or indeed any other musical provider, whatever floats your festive boat.

Kylie Minogue – Christmas Isn’t Christmas ‘Til You Get Here

“FINALLY, WE’VE MADE IT THROUGH.”

Tom: ANOTHER one?

Tim: Yes indeed, another new Christmas original from Kylie. PREVIOUSLY: Only You, a well-meaning and enjoyable but ultimately unnecessary cover; 100 Degrees, a lyrically misjudged disco anthem thirty years too late; and Every Day’s Like Christmas, a festive dance track that you reckoned was missing a special something. Finally, though: the Christmas ballad.

Tom: Oh. Huh. That’s… actually really good. I wasn’t expecting the fourth single to be any good.

Tim: Yeah – I’ve no idea who came up with the release order, or what they were thinking, because this, actually, is the first one of them that I can imagine ending up on Christmas compilation CDs in years hence (or, more likely, curated playlists on your local music streaming service).

Tom: I can’t work out which bits are chorus, pre-chorus and middle eight, but you know what? I don’t care. That key change makes up for any flaws: this is the very first Christmas track you’ve sent me this year that I’ve actually played more than once.

Tim: Oh, you have MADE MY DAY. FINALLY, WE’VE MADE IT THROUGH – I almost want to plan a street party in Kylie’s honour. But, this for the future: it has a sense of timelessness that the others didn’t really get, it’ll sit pleasingly alongside All I Want For Christmas Is You and One More Sleep with that same “Christmas is best with loved ones” message, and, most of all, it’s got ALL THE JINGLINESS. And that is very important for a Christmas compilation.

Tom: You know what? I won’t say it’s a full-on, armour-piercing dose of Christmas spirit, but you know what? I think it’s the closest we’re going to get this year.

Tim: Oh, I’m so happy you’ve reached at least that level of qualified approval. Because given all though pleasing qualities it’s one I’ll happily listen to again, this year, and the next, and the next, and so on.

Tom: As, I suspect, will I. Merry Christmas, Tim.

Tim: MERRY CHRISTMAS TOM!

Si Cranston – A Christmas Twist

“I put the video in a background tab and suddenly it wasn’t a bad song.”

Tim: CHRISTMAS EVE, so it’s late night Christmas parties for some, including me, and here’s a fun one to get the party stated.

Tom: Oh blimey, that’s a terrible video. Let me explain: I was about to absolutely slate this song, and write a whole bit about how you’d ruined Christmas by sending this — but in order to do that, I put the video in a background tab and suddenly it wasn’t a bad song.

Tim: Yes alright, I will give you that – the video is indeed awful. And yet, although I only heard this for the first time a couple of days ago, the song itself has pretty quickly jumped up the list of my favourite Christmas songs, because OH THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT – it’s right there throughout, music, party stylings and lyrics alike.

Tom: I guess I just can’t quite get over just how much that singer looks like a used car salesman. (At least, in this video: he’s probably quite nice in person.) Plus, there’s the slightly creepy synchronised dance with the weird flappy-hand movements.

Tim: Hmm, maybe this should have come with a video warning then. I would nitpick the lyrics by saying that “there won’t be any tears if we just open up our hearts” is about as far from the truth as you could possibly get in most extended family gatherings, but other lines like “now’s the time for us all to bring it all together and party party” with an instruction to “get your festive fix” really can’t be faulted for their intention.

Tom: That middle eight is dire – that would have sounded cheesy in the era they’re ripping off, let alone half a century later.

Tim: Again, yes, also a thought I had – I’m not a fan of it. But then comes the ending, and what a perfect ending! No repeat to fade, no gradual tonight down of the instruments, just a trumpet and bell chime and you’re done, with just one thought left in your head: Merry Christmas Everyone.

Tom: Two thoughts: wishing everyone a merry Christmas, and a strange desire to buy some teeth-whitener.

Michael Fannon – Första Julen Utan Dig

“Forget that you ever heard The Who’s Baba O’Reilly.”

Tim: Before you press play, one request: please forget that you ever heard The Who’s Baba O’Reilly.

Tom: Oh. Oh dear, that’s either a very unfortunate coincidence or someone really hoping no-one’ll notice.

Tim: To be honest, I’m verging towards the first, because I can’t believe anybody would deliberately use a line that often and think they won’t get noticed.

But, trying to ignore that that the entirety of the piano backing line, through the whole song, is identical to the intro of a fairly well known and recognisable song (and the middle eight is that, note for note), how are we finding that then?

Tom: See, the melody on top of it — those vocals — are really lovely. Perhaps it’s because I was expecting something much slower and energetic (I can’t think why) — those urgent, heartfelt vocals worked for me. And again with that middle eight: yep, the backing I’ve heard before, but everything on top of it was great.

Tim: Title translates as First Christmas Without You, though I’m not sure if that’s something to commiserate or to celebrate – the music certainly suggests the latter, because it’s very much major key, up and about, proper party style, and to be honest I’m all for that. You said that yesterday’s track had “just the right amount of bells” – has this overdone it for you? I really do hope not, because I LOVE the amount.

Tom: It’s not bad at all: close to overplaying them, but it’ll do nicely. Apart from the fact, obviously, that it’s riffing even more strongly on the Who than One Direction did.

Tim: Cockup or conspiracy in this case, I say, so basically I’ll describe as excellent bellage.

Kevin Walker – Christmas Nights

“It doesn’t quite hit home as much as I think it could do.”

Tim: Remember Christmas Is Here? A properly saccharine Christmas track that hits every single emotional button there is, and which wouldn’t do anywhere near as well if it had a male vocalist. Well.

Tom: That’s some beautiful scenery there, although the director’s intention seems to be “make sure the audience knows we can afford to hire a drone”.

Tim: And what else have we got: massive soaring emotional notes, YEP. Lyrics that couldn’t be more melty if they lived in a furnace, YEP. An image that Christmas can make things right, YEP. And yet, somehow, it doesn’t quite hit home as much as I think it could do.

Tom: Yep: maybe it’s just that video, but it just leaves me a bit cold. Yes, you can have by-the-numbers songs that can absolutely floor you emotionally — but this isn’t one of them.

Tim: Much as Kevin was a very worthy Idol winner and does have an excellent voice, I can’t help feeling that female vocals may well have me breaking down in tears. OH MY GOOD SHE JUST LOVES HIM SO MUCH AND THE LIFE WILL BE PERFECT AWWWWW – you know, that sort of thing.

Tom: Rather you than me, mate.

Tim: Well, in any case, opportunity missed, I feel.

Lines & Colours – Dear Santa

“I might have actually gotten a little Christmassy there.”

Tim: Croatian boyband here for you who’ve been around for a few years now, recently joined by a Swede – a rapidly escalated school foreign exchange, I can only assume. Here’s this line-up’s debut, a festive one.

Tom: Huh. That’s surprisingly good. That “wish list” in the pre-chorus bit made me pay attention, and that chorus is just lovely, with just the right amount of bells to note it’s a Christmas song without overdoing it.

Tim: Typically, when songs write to Santa, they’re being hugely selfish, asking for love and thus eternal happiness, or incredibly selfless (and basically lying), wanting happiness for everyone else. This one sits decidedly in the middle of the two, being more or less “fly on, mate, nothing needed here”, and that’s both refreshing and somewhat believable, so first off well done to them for that.

Tom: And you know what? That sentimentality has actually broken through my bah-humbug armour, just a little bit. I’m probably just tired. And to be fair, it is just “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, directed at Santa instead.

Tim: As for the rest of it, I’d peg at the level of maybe second or third single from a typical boyband album, which is a perfectly decent way to carry on and say “yep, we’re still good”.

Tom: The end peters out a bit: I think there’s more you could do with that last chorus. But I might have actually gotten a little Christmassy there.

Tim: In that case: solid work.

Saturday Flashback: Hotpantz – One For Christmas

“Given the name of the band, I’m going to brace myself.”

Tim: Right, I have tried many, many ways of getting you festive, so far unsuccessfully. So I’m going to try a completely different tack, with this.

Tom: Oh dear. Given the name of the band, I’m going to brace myself.

Tim: Before you press play, though, two things. First, this is an actual released track, single with a B-side and everything, and not from a TV sketch show as one of my friends hoped it was when he first heard it; second, I’d like you to picture me sitting in the corner with a big grin on my face, gleefully awaiting your reaction.

Tom: Sad to say, at least for your gleeful joy, that pretty much bounced off me leaving no impression whatsoever.

Tim: Oh.

Tom: It’s… well, it’s more that I want to know the story behind it. Who thought this was a good idea? Who wrote it? And my biggest question: when is this from? Because the hairstyles are from the mid-2000s; the homemade CGI is from the early 2000s; that bizarre pseudo-saxophone synth patch is from the early-90s; the keyed background staying static while the people move is from the 80s; but the whole thing was uploaded in 2011.

Tim: Well, you’re not far off with the singles and CGI: single came out originally way back in 2004, and I think it was a genuine release with an actual hope at being successful – the label was the same one responsible for Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy (though also, um, Crazy Frog). Needless to say, though, it wasn’t remotely successful, peaking as it did at number 64.

Tom: I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s terrible, but it’s almost like it’s trying to be.

Tim: Much as I’d love that: nope. It’s just plain awful.