Category: Christmas

Armand Deluxe – The Holidays Are Here (Next Stop Is Christmas)

“So jazzy. And really quite lovely.”

Tim: You may remember Armand’s track Almost Christmas Day that we featured two years back; if you don’t then, well, it seems to have gone from the internet now but you enjoyed it, despite the kids choir. This has precisely no children, and I will be astonished if it doesn’t take a sizeable chunk out of your humbug armour.

Tim: Oh, SO JAZZY.

Tom: So jazzy. And really quite lovely. You know, that introduction did put a small crack in my armour.

Tim: My feeling with that is of a the opening to a festive film set in the 1950s. We start off in some gritty underworld jazz club, old people smoking and looking a tad miserable (who by the end of the film will be considerably cheery), a woman up on the stage singing this and then roll opening credits.

Tom: Huh. Yep, I can see this. Big long Goodfellas-style steadicam shot.

Tim: Gradually we see a montage of the world outside being decorated, people being happy, and then we’re back for the end of it, and the rest can all be written by J J Abrams because apparently he’s good at films and stuff.

Tom: Yep. We’ll find out very soon, won’t we? I’ve got my ticket for the first day. Huh. You know what, I’m almost feeling cheery.

Tim: Hooray! Because enough cinema – basically all you need to know is that, with nine days to go: NEXT STOP IS CHRISTMAS, OH YEAH – THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!

Tom: aaaaand you ruined it.

Tim: DAMMIT.

Tom: Back to humbug for now. But it nearly made it through.

Saturday Flashback: Barenaked Ladies – Elf’s Lament

“I’ve not got anything against Mickey Bubbles.”

Tim: Next in the line of Christmas albums from years gone past – Barenaked Ladies brought out Barenaked for the Holidays in 2011; for this they teamed up with a just getting started Michael Bublé, who had yet to establish his position as King of Christmas.

Tom: Huh! I like Barenaked Ladies, and I’ve not got anything against Mickey Bubbles. Let’s have a listen.

Tim: And it’s full of workplace resentment, because how much more festive can you get?

Tim: And just like that, the image of happily toiling elves gets chucked out the window as quickly as a happy Santa did the moment the Killers came along.

Tom: It took me until about the second verse to work that out, because it sounds like such a happy song.

Tim: Let’s be honest: they have a point. Spending all year working in a factory just because of what you are, producing millions of toys that, as stated, may well have been discarded within hours of being received. It’s upsetting, really, and to be honest I think we should be thanking these guys for bringing attention to this sad state of affairs, trying to prevent us all falling for the pro-Santa propaganda of films like Elf and Arthur Christmas. SHAME ON YOU, Hollywood, for giving in to the fat man.

Tom: But never mind all that: because this is a lovely song! This is classic-era Barenaked Ladies, with an extra guest vocalist. Not sure I like the cheesy outro, but hey, it’s Christmas. I can live with it. And I know it doesn’t count for the “will this lift Tom’s humbug spirit” contest, because it’s an old one — but this got pretty damn close.

Little Mix – Love Me Like You (Christmas Mix)

“Pretty much the lowest-effort remix possible”

Tim: Here’s a recipe for you: take one of the best pop choruses of the year (albeit one that could probably do with being sped up 10% or so); blend together with a flavouring of extra jingliness to complement that which is already there; gently fold in some chiming bells; place on various music platforms and wait for the festivities to commence.

Tom: Ah! And presumably that’s a recipe for a “cash-in”.

Tim: Did anyone ask for this? Not really, but I don’t care, because it’s utterly ridiculous and it’s got me somewhere between giggling stupidly and feeling very very Christmassy.

Tom: It’s utterly unnecessary, but considering it’s pretty much the lowest-effort remix possible and it’ll make its money back with Christmas party DJs buying it to throw into their mix for late-December… well, it’ll do. And to be fair, the original track stands up well on tis own anyway.

Tim: I’ll be honest, I’ll be surprised if this manages on its own to break down anybody’s humbug wall, because it’s somewhat pointless – one could argue, probably successfully, that it’s mostly designed just to fit on that many more Christmas party playlists. I can’t think of any other reason for it; on the other hand, it’s gone straight on my Christmas party playlist.

The Killers feat. Richard Dreyfuss – Dirt Sledding

“Isn’t lovely when the bells come along?”

Tim: Festive outing number 10 for The Killers, and the third in a trilogy previously featuring 2007’s Don’t Shoot Me Santa and 2012’s I Feel It In My Bones. Long story short, Brandon Flowers is at the top of the naughty list, and Santa, played by Ryan Pardey, wants to murder him.

Tom: Wait, never mind Ryan Pardey: what on earth is Richard Dreyfuss doing there?

Tim: Well, have a listen, as I think, think, this might be the one to break through your humbug armour. Have a listen.

Tom: Nearly. Nearly.

Tim: Oh come now, JOY! As far as Killers Christmas songs go, I think has gone straight to number two – it’ll take a huge amount to beat The Cowboys’ Christmas Ball – but it’s back to that style, and there’s a lot of happiness in that video, with Santa and Brandon hugging it out at the end. Even if you’re weirded out by the jumping around in costumes, it’s all revealed at the end so it’s okay really. And speaking of the end, oh, isn’t lovely when the bells come along?

Tom: It is. And that’s a great chorus — with harmonies that remind me of Queen more than anything else, which I suspect is a deliberate style choice. But that schlocky-accent talking-bit completely kills it for me.

Tim: Yes – that is my biggest annoyance with the track as well. I could also do without quite such a mopey intro (though I get the need), but those aside this is just lovely, and I’m a particularly fan of the donkey stumbling around in the background. So, ultimate test: are you feeling festive yet?

Tom: Not yet. Not quite yet. But it’s close.

Tim: Hmm. I’ll wear you down in the end.

Saturday Flashback: Train – Shake Up Christmas

“This is designed to be in every Christmas commercial.”

Tim: Lest you think it’s just female pop soloists who do Christmas albums, Drops of Jupiter hitmakers Train have got one out this year as well, called Christmas in Tahoe. It’s “exclusively on Amazon Music” which is a bit wanky, let’s be honest.

Tom: But enormously lucrative for them, no doubt. Train are a strange band, aren’t they? Consistently successful, enormous licensing deals for commercials and “exclusives”, a lot of people clearly like them, and yet I’ve never met anyone who’s ever said “you know, I really like Train”.

Tim: Hmm, I’d never thought about them that way before. Anyway, this track’s from 2010 and therefore is on the YouTube.

Tom: Well, that’s absolutely generic, just like almost every other cash-in “let’s write a Christmas song” single. Or, indeed, most Train singles.

Tim: Pretty much, I guess. And that’s one bouncer that’s not coming to work tomorrow, so THANKS SANTA for that increase in unemployment over Christmas time, but for everybody else in that video, GLORY BE because they all get to see Train for free. Except for the people who’ve already paid, and will probably end up feeling a bit ticked off, but let’s not think about that, let’s instead WAKE UP THE HAPPINESS.

Tom: This is designed to be in every Christmas commercial. And it’ll probably work.

Tim: Could well be, because oh, what a happy track this is. Lyrics about kids wanting the world to be happy, and grandma to be happy, oh and also can I have lifelong happiness with a girl please I’ll just sneak that in on the end there THANKS. Music’s basically standard Train fare with added sleigh bells and glockenspiely percussion, which to be honest I reckon is exactly what a Train festive track should be. Basically, three out of four great Christmas tracks and we’re only five days into December, so I think we’ll be alright.

Tom: And, as ever with my harsher rating scheme, I’m still in “bah humbug” mode. Every year there’s one that gets me, Tim — it’s been Hurts, it’s been Kelly Clarkson — let’s just hope that one makes it through my Scrooge-like armour before Christmas Day.

Kylie Minogue – Every Day’s Like Christmas (Stock Aitken Waterman Remix)

“That is EXACTLY what I expected it to be.”

Tim: RIGHT, so here’s a third one off Kylie’s album that’s getting a push, or at least this remix is, and here’s why.

Tom: Crikey, they’re pushing these out, aren’t they?

Tim: On occasion, with good reason:

Tom: Well, that is EXACTLY what I expected it to be.

Tim: Exactly as brilliant, I trust you mean. I really don’t think it would be going too far to call Mike, Matt and Pete the true three wise men of this Christmas at least, with what they’ve done to the Chris Martin-penned original being this good.

Tom: I don’t want to think about what that makes Kylie.

Tim: Ew. Um, no. That original is a perfectly decent Christmas song on its own, but this takes that, festive trumpets and bells and all, sticks a fantastic final chorus on the end and basically turns it right up to poppers o’clock.

Tom: You know that GIF of Nathan Fillion? That’s basically how I reacted to those last few words. Well done.

Tim: Good good. We’ve also a lovely huggy message in the lyrics, Christmassy instruments and as brilliant a production as you could possibly expect. Oh, it’s good.

Tom: It is, but I’m going to qualify this somewhat: it’s good, but even in the Three Wise Men’s glory years, I think this would have been a B-side. There’s nothing wrong with it, but there’s nothing to make it massively stand out.

Tim: Oh, I could not disagree more. I can understand, slightly, why they went for 100 Degrees as the main release, but damn, they should have gone with this – this track here is Kylie’s One More Sleep, and long may it hang around.

The Genuine Fakes – Do You Want To Build A Snowman?

“A hell of a deviation from the original”

Tom: You’re kidding me.

Tim: Oh no. It’s an interesting choice for a band’s debut release to be a Christmas EP, but this Swedish band are going for it, with a cover of a brutally overshadowed song from Frozen.

Tom: Hmm. I was going to say “that’s unnecessary” based on the first verse — it sounded almost like it was being sung by a robot, all perfectly in time. But by the second verse, I was starting to get what they were doing.

Tim: Joey from the band has said that ‘when I first heard the song, I immediately thought that it was a perfect pop song’, and with this treatment they’ve given it it’s hard to argue otherwise. Musically it’s a hell of a deviation from the original, though the general theme still makes itself clear, with a decent level of pleading still there. In short: this is great.

Tom: Apart from that ending. What’s going on with that odd fadeout?

Tim: Annoyingly, something that comes across from the original – sometimes the chorus is followed by a glum “okay bye”, but other times, particularly at the end, it’s just left fading. Anyway, much like Kylie’s, this’ll never be a Christmas anthem, but it’s not trying to be: it just wants to be a bit of fun, and it really is.

Tom: Ah, if it’s fun you want, I’ve got you sorted.

Kylie & Dannii Minogue – 100 Degrees

“Could you get away with this at the height of disco fever? Sure. Would we still be playing it now? Well.”

Tim: CHRISTMAS TIME!!! Every Christmas album needs to come with a new track, like Kelly’s Wrapped in Red or Leona’s One More Sleep.

Tom: And occasionally they’re even good! But statistically…

Tim: Actually, both of those truly were very good, whatever you’re cruelly trying to imply. And now Kylie brings us this, the sisters’ first collaboration in almost a decade. Who said families always argue at Christmas?

Tom: Bongos. Of course there are bongos at Christmas.

Tim: Yes, you see here’s the thing – this here is a track that wants to be a disco Christmas anthem even after climate change has well and truly taken its toll on the festive season – after all, it’s hardly like Merry Christmas Everyone is particularly accurate any more.

Tom: So the big question: Celsius or Fahrenheit? Because 100C ain’t enough to roast a turkey, but 100F is even a bit low for Australian Christmas.

Tim: Either way, it’s a bit too hot for comfort, and it’s certainly not what anyone wants to imagine. As far as this hanging around to actually make it as an anthem, though, there’s one big question: is disco really the right genre for a festive track? To be honest: I really don’t think so. Yes, there’s a gap in the market (and this may have been written to fill it), but it’s there for a reason.

Tom: Agreed. Could you get away with this in the 1980s, at the height of disco fever? Sure. Would we still be playing it now? Well.

Tim: Sure, people have parties at Christmas, and they want to dance, but they want to dance to tunes they know, and if new tunes are going to be played, they need to blend in. This really, really doesn’t. Sorry, Kylie: much as I might like this as a regular track, it’s just not right for Christmas.

Bonnie McKee – California Winter

“Oh, that’s a fantastic song!”

Tim: Bonnie McKee, not been featured here before as a singer, though she has a very healthy record as a writer. Here’s a somewhat festive track for you, though, while we’re still technically in the Christmas period.

Tom: I’ll allow it, but I’m hoping for something else come tomorrow.

Tom: Oh, that’s a fantastic song! That’s my Christmas song of the year! Why did you wait until Boxing Day? I can’t listen to this for another 11 months now!

Tim: It’s a lovely video, and a lovely song as well, so I’ll do my very best not to let the fact that the timing goes a bit off towards the end, and instead just click my fingers in time and enjoy it, and its heartwarming message.

Tom: That’s what happens when you film at a different speed to playback: if you don’t nail it exactly…

Tim: I called it somewhat festive earlier, I’m not really sure whether it is or not – the video’s full of Christmas decorations, and Christmas Eve gets a mention in the lyrics, but instrumentally it seems very summery (even with the bells), which is an interesting disjoint. A very enjoyable disjoint, but it does mean I’d never really be sure when I’m meant to play it.

Tom: Wait, that means…

Tim: That means I can play it any time I want, I suppose, like right now. Let’s have another listen.

Tom: …you’re right. It’s just a winter song, not a Christmas song. I can play this again. And I fully intend to. This is just lovely.

Santa Claws and the Naughty But Nice Orchestra – Boulevard of Broken Dreams

“Oh no, no, no.”

Tim: So here’s a weird thing to add to your Christmas. Push play, I’ll explain later.

Tom: This is going to be bad, isn’t it?

Tim: Just push play.

Tom: Oh no, no, no.

Tim: Really? I think it’s rather fun. Not much explaining to do, I suppose, or at least I don’t have much of an explanation for it. A band of some sort, or maybe just some guy in his bedroom, made The Green Days of Christmas, full of instrumental versions of all their best-known tracks with sleigh bells, panpipes, glockenspiels and all other tinkly instruments. Some would ask why; others like myself would say well why not, and why has it only been done for Green Day and Metallica?

Tom: I can actually answer that: it’s because there’s a lot of money in Spotify, and other music licensing avenues, and even from the Wal-Mart one-dollar bargain bin. If you’re willing to look at the “long tail”, and churn out a thousand terrible cover versions as quickly as you can, the chances are that you might actually get enough back off royalties to make it worth your while.

Tim: Terrible? Or rather fun as a novelty and doing no actual harm to anyone? I personally see a lot of potential in a festive Daz Sampson anthology, so we’ll have that for 2015, please. Oh, and merry Christmas to you.

Tom: Merry Christmas, Tim.