Mainstream – Page 65

One Direction – Kiss You

“Repeats this album’s message of LET’S HAVE SEX.”

Tim: One Direction seem to have a thing: decent pop song, crappy ballad, decent song, crappy ballad, repeat until we’ve just got the album tracks. Following on from a ballad so awful I’m not even going to utter its name —

Tom: I believe you referred to it as a “pile of bollocks”, which I corrected to the technically-accurate “sack of bollocks”.

Tim: — is this, which repeats this album’s message of LET’S HAVE SEX.

Tim: Before we get started, if that rubbish effortless lyric video hasn’t annoyed you enough already, go back to the middle eight and count the “na”s. Go on. I’ll wait.

Tom: Actually, I was about to mention that straight away. I swear the designer just did that to annoy pedants.

Tim: So, once again, we’re left with no doubts as to what’s on these guys’ minds: “If you don’t wanna take it slow, if you just wanna take me home, baby say ‘yeah, yeah, yeah'”. Nor is there much pretence of an emotional connection, with “I just wanna show you off to all of my friends”.

Tom: Also, whichever lyricist put “chinny chin chins” in there needs to be fired. Or shot. I know their audience is teenage girls, but surely not still young enough to care about nursery rhymes? That’s just wrong.

Tim: Perhaps, but who cares about their attitudes? They’re young guys, and they want some hot bedroom action. I’m just looking forward to their next album, which’ll presumably focus on the “Oh God, what disease have I got now?” stage of the horny young person’s life.

Tom: Surely some punk band’s done an album where all the songs are named after STIs?

Tim: Don’t know, but it would generate some interesting fan conversations: “So dude, what do you think of that new one, Chlamydia?” “Not bad – definitely better than Herpes, but I still don’t think they’ll improve on Genital Warts.”

Girls Aloud – Beautiful ’Cause You Love Me

“What’s with that bizarre high-pitched ‘ba-baby’?”

Tom: “Basin”, “Face in”, “Racing”, and “Taste it”. We start with a quadruple rhyme that feels like the musical equivalent of smashing your funnybone against a door. It doesn’t bode well.

Tim: When it’s like that, who cares what it bodes?

Tom: The production’s good, the vocals are competent, and that final chorus is just beautiful. But the lyrics are clunky and childish, and what’s with that bizarre high-pitched “ba-baby”?

Tim: No. NO. You don’t get to write it like that. Because you’re making it seem that those lyrics and the (admittedly potentially irritating) “ba-baby” knock out the wonderfulness of the chorus and the lovely vocals, when they really don’t. The singing, the tune is brilliant, and dodgy lyrics aren’t anywhere near enough to spoil them.

Tom: It plods. It plods in a very gentle and graceful manner… but it still plods.

Tim: It absolutely does not. It’s lovely.

Saturday Flashback: East 17 – Stay Another Day

This song is very, very Christmassy

Tim: Yes, we’re doing this. Because you’ll recall that last Friday we were at a pop night and you expressed doubts that this was a particularly festive song. So now we’ll probe further.

Tom: Christmas 1994. I was ten years old. You know, I think this was just after the point when I figured out that pop music existed. There’s still a copy of Now 30, on double cassette, somewhere in my parents’ house.

Tim: I will accept that this song has flaws: it has an excessive number of chorus repeats at the end, the video is utterly ludicrous and “I touch your face while you are sleeping” is one of the creepiest lyrics that’s ever been written.

Tom: It does just keep going, doesn’t it? But at the same time: that timpani roll at the start sets the scene for what’s to come so well: it’s a very, very, good pop track. I don’t think it deserves quite such an outro, but at least it doesn’t repeat-until-fade.

Tim: This is true. But you may still say that as a Christmas record, it’s flawed: the bells at the end, after all, were only added at the last minute when the cynical producer realised it would be released in December, the snowy video was made after this when they realised it had become a Christmas hit, and if you think this is a typical romantic “please don’t leave me” song, please don’t look it up on Wikipedia, because it may well ruin Christmas forever.

Tom: You know, I’ve never seen that video before, and one thing strikes me: what on earth is going on with Brian Harvey’s earrings? I know it was the 90s, but… blimey.

Tim: Strange, yes. But regardless of any of these issues, this song is, undeniably, very, very Christmassy. Why? Those bells. That’s all it is – just the bells. Because those chiming bells are more than enough to get absolutely everyone at the Christmas work do, without exception, to put down their drinks and head to the dancefloor, either with a loved one to hold onto, or as a group, arms round each other, shouting along merrily. This happened last Friday when it was the last song of the night, and it will happen at every single Christmas party from now until the end of time. And that is what makes it a festive song.

Tom: I’d forgotten about those bells. And I can’t help but agree with you.

Tegan & Sara – Closer

This is genuinely lovely synthpop

Tom: Our resident Radio Insider, Matt, sent this the other day. He said we’d like it. I think he’s right.

Tim: Ah – a lyric video made with effort. And, apparently, by a designer who’s recently been given access to an unlimited supply of stock images. “Ooh, an airplane interior, that’ll be fun. And that fox looks nice – I’ll put him as well. Oh, and I do like those escalators – they’ll go so well after the empty classroom.”

Tom: It is weird, isn’t it? But that doesn’t change the fact that this is genuinely lovely synthpop – a bit poppier than the Sound of Arrows stuff you like, but nevertheless lovely synthpop. Which, considering Tegan and Sara are known for indie rock, is no small achievement.

Tim: No – it really sounds like a track by an experienced act. It’s got an air of a slightly withdrawn Icona Pop about it, and I like it a lot.

Tom: Maybe it’s just the glorious sunset that I can see out my window as I write this, but this is putting me in a really lovely mood. I played it again straight after it ended – which is pretty much the highest accolade I can give a song.

Tim: Ah, well I do that with a lot of tracks, but here it’s not so I can find something to be snarky about (well, except those pictures).

Tom: The track’s been out since September, but the album’s not released until next month – and if this is any sign of what’s to come, then I think it’s going to be a blinder.

Gabrielle Aplin – The Power of Love

What I’m about to say may make me seem like a monster.

Tim: Yes, it’s a song from an advert, and that is precisely why we are discussing it. Because sod the song, I want to talk about the advert.

Tom: Right, well, you can keep me out of that. I’ve been in Australia, remember? Haven’t seen it.

Tim: Well, here it is so you can catch up.

Tim: Now, I said ‘talk’ above, though that should really be replaced with ‘rant’. I’ll get the nice bit out of the way: that song is absolutely lovely, it really is. This is the full version, and it’ll do wonders to calm you down and relax you if you’re like me, and you’ve just watched that advert. BECAUSE IT’S WRONG.

Tom: Oh blimey. Brace yourself, readers, I can see what’s coming here. Tim’s going off on a rant. For the record, I think the song’s a perfectly reasonable cover, and beautifully sung, although I think it’s far too downbeat compared to the original material.

Tim: Okay. What I’m about to say may make me seem like a monster. I’ve heard that the advert makes many people (including my aunt) cry buckets, to whom I say: you’re IDIOTS. Why? Because you’ve SKIPPED OVER THE BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS.

He’s a snowman. He’s got a girlfriend. He wants to buy her a present, and goes on a long and arduous journey to do it. Lovely idea. No problem with it at all. The first 78 seconds are sweet, charming, and happy. But THEN WE SEE WHAT HE’S BOUGHT HER. After miles of trekking, he has chosen TO BUY HER A HAT. And A SCARF. And GLOVES. So basically, CLOTHES TO KEEP HER WARM. Except that she, too, like him, IS A SNOWMAN. So basically, SHE’LL MELT. AND DIE. He is KILLING HIS GIRLFRIEND. ACTUALLY MURDERING HER. And we’re supposed to LIKE THAT? Is that how things are now? The spirit of Christmas is all about HOMICIDAL SNOW PEOPLE? FINE. But DON’T GET EMOTIONAL. Unless the emotion is PURE RAGING HATRED, which is entirely appropriate when presented with an EVIL MURDERER.

Tom: Tim there, ladies and gentlemen. I’ll just note that this Power of Love is a hell of a lot better.

Tim: AN EVIL MURDERING BASTARD OF A SNOWMAN.

Olly Murs feat. Flo Rida – Troublemaker

The music is astonishingly good.

Tom: Two irritating musicians team up and make an absolutely brilliant track.

Tim: I will judge this by the cover and say that right from the off I don’t have good feelings about this.

Tom: Do yourself a favour, though, and just listen – don’t watch the video yet.

Tom: The music is astonishingly good: pitch-perfect pop. Flo Rida doesn’t say anyone’s name. The rap bridge isn’t annoying. The chorus is amazing.

Tim: You’re wrong, on at least one and two-halves out of four counts. Specifically, 3, because it really is, and I’d say amazing and astonishingly good would be pushing it slightly.

Tom: Perhaps my tolerance for rap bridges is getting higher, then. Or perhaps I’m prepared to tolerate them on summer tracks – because this is a summer track, albeit one released in the depths of winter.

Tim: Well, that may be true, but for anybody who’s in a similar boat to me, I recommend this rapper-free version, which really raises the question: what the hell is the point of Flo Rida? Nothing is improved by his presence, and at least two tracks (this and, if you’ll cast your mind back two years, The Saturdays’ Higher) are improved by his withdrawal.

Tom: But oh, my word, the video. Irritating, leprechaun-smug boy meets obnoxious, socially-oblivious girl, interrupted by a swaggering, show-off git. Could they have made anyone, anyone at all in the video sympathetic?

Tim: I don’t know – the bloke trying to get her attention in the record shop isn’t too annoying. Does that count?

Tom: Not nearly enough.

Saturday Flashback: Reece Mastin – Good Night

“This is a CHOON.”

Tom: It’s TIME.

Tim: What.

Tom: To FACE.

Tim: Surely not?

Tom: The MUSIC.

Tim: BRILLIANT.

Tom: In AUSTRALIA.

Tim: Ooh.

Tom: The 2012 season for the Australian X Factor has just drawn to a close, and let me tell you – it’s almost exactly the same as the UK version. There’s a few more adverts. There’s a bit more product placement. Most importantly, they have a different cast: no Dermot, no Voiceover Man, and Gary Barlow has been replaced by Ronan Keating.

So let me round out my Australian tour with the winner of last year’s, the Scunthorpe-born and irritatingly-young (he’s 18 today) Reece Mastin.

He’s already on album number two, and while his most recent single didn’t get into the top 10, the first one most definitely did. And unlike the UK version, this isn’t a cover: the single was written for whoever won the show.

Tom: Yes, he’s got a bit of the Olly Murs about him with the prancing about, but that clearly ties into the stage presence – and I can’t let that take away from the fact that this is a CHOON.

Tim: It really is. And that’s not so much prancing around as just jumping around entertaining your audience. Which is a good thing, surely?

Tom: That final chorus is just stunning – and the message is ‘shut up and dance’. If this came on in a British club? I would shut up and dance.

Tim: I wouldn’t. I’d dance AND SHOUT.

Tom: Of course, that may just be because I like Pink, and this is startlingly close to ‘Raise Your Glass’ – only without all the slowdown and spoken bits that I didn’t like.

Tim: Part of me thinks we should have original songs. Then the rest of me remembers that That’s My Goal was an original song. And then all of me listens to that and realise that I actually quite like it. Hmm. What a quandary.

fun. – Carry On

My word, he’s got a good voice.

Tom: Okay, it’s time to find out. Are Fun–

Tim: Actually, it’s–

Tom: Nope. I’m deliberately ignoring their ridiculous name stylisation there – really a one-hit hipster wonder, or can they back it up? “Some Nights”, the second single, managed number 7 – so here’s the third.

Tom: First of all: where the hell have I heard that piano intro before?

Tim: Not sure, because I haven’t. Does go on a bit, though.

Tom: And second: my word, he’s got a good voice. Distinctive, but not distracting: to do the first voice almost a capella is brave, but he can do it.

Tim: Yes, he can. And speaking of that first verse, I was worried for a while that this was going to be their “look at us, we can do a meaningful ballad” track which are so often a pile of cack (YES I’M LOOKING AT YOU, ONE DIRECTION, WITH YOUR ED SHEERAN-PENNED PILE OF BOLLOCKS).

Tom: I believe the technical term is “sack of bollocks”, but yes, you’re right. Is this that ‘meaningful’ ballad though?

Tim: Fortunately, no, and thus doesn’t get me worked up in quite the same way.

Tom: No-one would have predicted “We Are Young” going to number 1, let alone still being in the charts now, and yet – there it is. And now, they’ve got a Celtic-influenced track with a big electric guitar solo and a positive message? I can only hope this does well, because it deserves to.

Kelly Clarkson – Catch My Breath

“Like a Tesco Value ‘Stronger’.”

Tom: It’s time for Kelly Clarkson to release a greatest hits album! And, as is traditional, it’ll have one new single on it to get the sales up a bit.

Tom: Hmm. Now, I do like Kelly Clarkson, but even I have to admit that this is rather by-the-numbers. That can be a good thing, sometimes – Stronger was still by-the-numbers, but matched with such a powerful tune and lyrics that it didn’t matter one bit.

This, on the other hand… it’s like Tesco Value “Stronger”. The margarine of “Stronger”. Not quite “Stronger” enough.

Tim: Very much a “this’ll do” release, which is a shame if it’s going to sit on an album of greatest hits. It’ll be the dull one everyone skips over. I don’t mind a by the numbers track – some of best tracks are as formulaic as they come – but you’re right that there does seem to be something missing here. It just about builds up to something satisfying, but only just.

Tom: Even the video seems like there’s not much effort: the arm movements, the clenched fists, the special effects… they’re all there, but it seems more like that’s just because they’re supposed to be. This is what a Kelly Clarkson song should be like, therefore this is what it will be.

Tim: The closing shot of her on the video seems to sum it up – there’s a “yes, this is what we’ve done, I know it’s a bit dull so I’ll look away in shame”.

Tom: Boxes ticked.

Saturday Flashback: The Veronicas – When It All Falls Apart

Genuinely Australian.

Tom: I’ve still yet to hear any actual Australian pop music on commercial radio while I’ve been down under: admittedly, I haven’t been listening to much of it, but it all seems to be tracks that I recognise from the US or UK.

Tim: Fair enough; what’s this, then?

Tom: So here’s a track from one of the more popular Australian bands of the 2000s, two-piece girl alt-rock band the Veronicas. Their third single, oddly enough, but it’s the one that had just been released last time I was on this continent. It actually managed to get some airplay – although in the northern hemisphere it’s pretty much unheard of.

Tom: It’s mostly by-the-numbers, without a particularly inspiring verse, but somehow that chorus (and that brief middle-eight) got stuck in my head and wouldn’t leave.

Tim: That’s all fair enough – it’s a decent chorus. It’s not quite as catchy as Untouchable, their only track that really made it over here, but it’s still very enjoyable.

Tom: There’s not much more I can say about it, really, other than it really is Genuinely Australian.

Tim: In which case, next week: Dannii Minogue.