Mainstream – Page 74

Cher Lloyd feat. Astro – Want U Back

Not terrible, but bloody hell does it annoy me.

Tom: Last time we didn’t like one of her tracks, Cher Lloyd’s Twitter army – the group of superfans that constantly check Twitter for mentions of her – noticed and decided to insult us back.

Well, brace yourself, Tim, ‘cos this is…

Tom: …huh. Not terrible, but bloody hell does it annoy me.

Tim: I tell you what annoys me – the apparent loathing she has for words that begin ‘yo’.

Tom: What, like U and Ur Hand?

Tim: Exactly like that. I didn’t mention it last time because I know it’s me being a pedantic arse, but really? It would be okay if it was remotely justified, but it seems more like ‘No, I just want to do my spelling with as few letters as possible.’ OK, Cher, 2 cn play @ that game.

Tom: Oh dear. Anyway, an instrumental version of this would be lovely, because everything in the background – even the bleep-bloop video-game synths – is excellent. But the frustrated noises? The repetitive vocals? The bits where she starts talking like she’s trying to be Nicki Minaj? The oh-so-cutesy video ending? They need to go. All of them.

Tim: If she wnts him bak, y iz she brakin his bak by scruing up his sk8bord trik? & hu wears 3D glasses lik that ne more?

Tom: …I’m not actually going to bother to read that.

Tim: Seriously? Do you know how hard it is typing like that? And you skip straight past it?

Tom: It wasn’t a conscious decision. My eyes just kind of skipped past it. Anyway, just so you know: Astro is younger than Justin Bieber.

Tim: I’ve got to be honest – I never found Justin Bieber all that annoying. His fans, sure, but not the guy himself.

Tom: Agreed – the kid’s got talent, as does Astro. It’s more of a realisation that he’s only just over half my age.

Tim: Well, I said I didn’t find Justin annoying – this Ascending Star™, as the video seems to want us to call him? Man, I want to punch him, with his stupidly over-sized peak on his cap.

Tom: I think the lesson here is that Cher Lloyd tracks are brilliant, apart from Cher Lloyd.

Tim: Oh, see now it’s the end of the review and so I probably ought to say something about the track, and the horrible thing is: I quite like it. Not the stupid rapping bit (is it rapping, or is he just throwing a tantrum?), but the rest of it I think is quite catchy, poppy and enjoyable. And now I hate myself. Thanks Tom. Thanks a lot.

Matt Cardle – Amazing

Ah, Credibility Cardle. What’s he up to?

Tim: Ah, Credibility Cardle. What’s he up to?

Tom: He’s still going, and probably still a bit annoyed that Olly Murs is doing so well.

Tom: But I’d like to revise my opinion of Matt Cardle: if you file him under what the radio stations refer to as “adult contemporary” rather than “pop”, then he’s absolutely brilliant. He’s not aiming for Radio 1; he’s aiming for Radio 2. You can tell by the nice, probably meaningful, slow video.

Tim: Hmm. If I were you I’d get rid of ‘nice’ and replace it with ‘boring’. Look at me, I’m playing a guitar. I’m not an X Factor winner – I’m a Credible Rock Musician. And just to show how deep and emotional my songs probably are, because people really aren’t going to be able to listen to my lyrics without slipping into a coma, let’s have some people crying for no good reason.

Tom: I think you’re confusing “different” with “bad” there.

Tim: Absolutely not – I’m a Serious Music Reviewer, and I do not confuse those things (much). What I am doing is allowing my personal dislike for Matt Cardle’s attitude to interfere with my discussion of this track. And that is something I am PERFECTLY ENTITLED TO DO.

Tom: It’s a textbook Radio 2 track. It’s great. It’s an anthemic, slowly building, guitar-and-everything track that makes me smile. It’s the kind of thing that Almighty Records will remix.

Tim: Speaking of which, who wants a Christina Perri cover?

Tom: Ooh, good post hijack. Bit of a weird intro, but it picks up fast. A quick warning to readers, though: the video attached to that track is just a scantily-clad arse, so do watch out if you’re at work.

Anyway. In other words, Cardle’s being a bit like Snow Patrol. Probably a bit too much like Snow Patrol, actually.

Still good, though.

Tim: Oh, it’s alright, I suppose. And exactly what an ‘I HATE X FACTOR but actually I owe everything I have to it but I HATE IT’ X Factor winner should aim to come out with.

Adam Lambert – Better Than I Know Myself

The fangirls will be happy.

Tim: Stand aside for the weird-concept video, please, which today contains an excessive amount of oxygen and lapels. And, as it happens, Adam Lamberts.

Tom: Plural? The fangirls will be happy.

Tim: First off, children, can we please not use this video as a substitute for a physics lesson. Or at the very least, not that oxygen meter thingy, which is wrong on just so many levels I can’t possibly ignore it, desperate as I am to do so. But let’s move on.

Tom: Second up, that is a spectacular hairstyle. I mean, I have to respect anyone who takes their cues from Sonic the Hedgehog.

Tim: I don’t know if that’s meant to be an insult, but if it is, it’s a bit rich coming from the man who takes his cues from Professor Snape.

Tom: Now that’s harsh. “Lank and greasy and flopping onto the table?”

…wait, you’re just going to do a cock joke now, aren’t you?

Tim: Actually, I was thinking we really, desperately, need to move on to the song.

What we have here is him singing to (one would presume) an unspecified boy/girlfriend, something along the lines of ‘I know I’m acting weird, but please don’t dump me because even though I may give the impression I want to leave you I don’t’.

Tom: Musically, I’m not all that impressed: having listened to it twice now, I still can’t remember it at all. Is there anything catchy in there? I’m really not sure.

Tim: Not hugely catchy, no, but the video gives an extra bit, which warrants discussion.

Unleashed last Friday, it adds to the lyrics nicely, with an idea of ‘the main reason you think I want to leave you is that the evil half of my mind is currently trying to murder the good half of my brain, so be perfectly honest I’m a little bit too busy to bother with all this relationship faff’.

Tom: Ah, the classic. Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy turns out to have two disparate warring personalities.

Tim: Such a classic tale.

The big debate here, of course, is: is he being too self-centred? Some would argue he is, but personally, I can see where he’s coming from, especially when Evil Adam pulls out his own heart and squelches it a bit.

Tom: And Evil Adam has significantly better makeup.

Tim: And significantly bigger lapels. Yes, it’s the second time I’ve mentioned them, but THEY’RE BLOODY MASSIVE.

An alternative interpretation, though, is that this song is a message from one Adam to the other, and what we have here is a remarkably open and public major psychological breakdown. That could be quite fun to watch, actually.

Tom: I think it’d be more fun than this song.

Andy Grammer – Fine By Me

A textbook Happy Pop Song

Tom: I’ve been in America for the last couple of weeks, which means I’ve been hearing some tracks on US radio that never cracked the UK. This is one of them, and… well, I’m rather surprised that it didn’t make it to Britain.

Tim: Hmm. Somewhat reminiscent of Thinking Of Me, I reckon, but without all the crap bits (i.e. the words).

Tom: Huh. You’re right. Well, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s exceptionally good. It’s nice, in that chirpy Daniel Powter kind of way. The chorus is easy to sing along to. It has what I can only call a Proper Middle Eight. And it ends exactly when it needs to – just under three minutes – and in exactly the right way.

Tim: It does and all, doesn’t it? Going out on a high, rather than fading or anything stupid.

Tom: In short: it’s a textbook Happy Pop Song, and I like it.

Tim: Me too.

Saint Etienne – Tonight

‘All about the primal and atavistic pull that all good pop music exerts’

Tim: If their website (where this track is available all free and everything) is to be believed, we should adopt this as our theme song, because, much like their soon to be released first new album for seven years, it’s ‘all about the primal and atavistic pull that all good pop music exerts’. Interested?

Tom: It’s Saint Etienne. Of course I’m interested.

Tim: Well, I’m primally and atavistically pulled by it – are you?

Tom: I thought I might be, but then I belched slightly and the feeling passed.

Tim: Urgh.

Tom: Yeah, sorry, my jokes haven’t been classy lately. Should we talk about the song?

Tim: I think we should. At 4 minutes and 38 seconds, it’s pushing the limits of acceptability as far as my somewhat-closed mind is concerned, but actually I don’t care at all, because it’s 4 minutes and 38 seconds of brilliantly synth-heavy pop music, with lovely quiet bits exactly where they belong and even lovelier chirpy bits exactly where they belong.

Tom: “Chirpy” sums it up really rather well.

Tim: Chances of opening with a top five hit?

Tom: I wouldn’t really give good odds on them getting a Top 40, to be honest, which is a shame.

Tim: Yeah – they’ve sadly never had a massive amount of commercial success, but this is just as good as anything they’ve done in their previous 20-odd years as a band so here’s hoping.

Tom: Ooh, careful. I still have a place in my heart for He’s On The Phone (specifically, this remix of it), which I’d controversially put high up a list of Best Tracks of the 1990s.

Tim: Controversial indeed. I can see where you’re coming from, though. Nice choice.

The Darkness – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us

I want everything they release to be played loudly in pubs and cheesy clubs

Tom: Yeah, that’s right. It’s a new Darkness single. Is it going to be “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”, or is going to be… well, anything else they’ve released?

Tom: …well, once you get over the dissonance of that introduction, I think it falls safely into the second category.

Tim: Hang on, hang on, hang on a sec – before we go any further, you seem to be implying that I Believe in etc. was the only good song they’ve done. Have you completely forgotten Friday Night? Or Growing On Me? Or Christmas Time?

Tom: Hmm. Okay, I’ll grant you they’re decent tracks – and a damn sight better than anything off the second album – but it’s going to take a lot to reach the heights that their glorious first single reached.

Tim: Fair enough, so let’s continue. Not a fan of this, then?

Tom: It’s a great shame, because I want to like the Darkness, I really do. They’re ridiculous British glam metal, and I want everything they release to be good enough to get played loudly in pubs and cheesy clubs up and down the country. But this isn’t. It’s an album track. A track off their first album, maybe, but still an album track. And with a suitably low-budget video.

Tim: Seemingly made in Microsoft Paint, which is quite an achievement. But I disagree with you about this song, somewhat – I don’t know, maybe I’m just overly nostalgic following a somewhat weird conversation I had quite recently, but this is a decent track.

Tom: And maybe my expectations are just too high.

Tim: I think so. But if you’re right, and it is just an album track, I’m looking forward to hearing the others.

Pixie Lott – Kiss The Stars

Imagine I’m, like, a sex toy, yeah?

Tom: This song starts with “baby, baby”. Sometimes that can be a brilliant sign (The Supremes, Britney Spears)… but mostly it’s a sign that the lyricist has run out of ideas. Where does this one fall?

Tom: Yeah, the lyricist ran out of ideas. It’s tired technology metaphor time!

Tim: OKAY GUYS, I’ve got this like totally great idea. If we can say, like, ‘push the button’, like the Chemical Brothers or the Sugababes, then that’ll totally be, like, yeah, he’s turning me on, yeah? So then, let’s do that – WAIT, WAIT, I’m not done – let’s do that, but now imagine I’m, like, a sex toy, yeah? So we can have it like ‘go for hours’ if you ‘hit the switch’ and ‘we can have it all baby you and me’ and ‘kiss the stars tonight’ with total pleasuring.

Tom: Mind you, the composer and producer have done a solid job with what they’ve been given – it’s a solid middle-of-the-night club track. There’s the increasingly-popular mock-dubstep middle eight – that wub wub wub is becoming almost mandatory now.

Tim: I mean, yeah, it, like, needs to be recharged every now and again, so that doesn’t seem so great, but it is, cause we can do like ‘put the plug in the socket’ and it’s like a total double entondray, yeah, cause, like, recharging, and then the other type of plug, yeah? So yeah, am I like totally right?

Tom: …it’s like I’m there in that record company meeting.

Anyway, the video appears to have been inspired by every 90s German hi-NRG Eurodance track ever – not least her hairstyle. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing, objectively – it’s a good video – but the connotations of dodgy dance music are probably something they could do without. I’d love to see some of the rushes from this before all the visual effects were added; just shots of her reacting to nothing against a green screen.

Tim: Well, yeah, that’s like totally great, but what I really want, like, is for her to do the next round of Ann Summers adverts. COME ON PEOPLE HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Saturday Flashback: Lady Antebellum – Need You Now (Jason Nevins Elektrotek Radio Mix)

Needed a bit more oomph.

Tom: “Need You Now” is a good song. It really is.

Tim: Indeed. Story time: I first heard it in an advert for their album before the film Daybreakers, and to be perfectly honest, part of me wishes to this day that I’d been more enthused by that advert, got up and left the cinema to buy it right there and then.

Tom: That took me a second to work out, but I reckon it might be one of the best burns you’ve written in a while.

Tim: Thank you very much.

Tom: Anyway, I always thought the song needed a bit more… well, oomph. Jason Nevins provides.

Tim: Hmm – not sure about that.

Tom: Now here’s an odd thing: this is a track that I’ve liked less and less the more I heard it. The first time I listened, I was dancing in my chair. It went straight on my regular playlist. And then… then it got old.

Tim: See, I’m not sure about that at all. I never did think it needed more, and I think this goes some way towards showing it. It’s alright, and great should I want to dance to the song, but largely unnecessary.

Tom: There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a competent remix. I’d still love it if it appeared in a club. But that first moment of ‘wow, this is is brilliant’? I think I was wrong.

Tim: Nice to hear you admit it.

JLS – Proud

Proper emotional balladry, with all the tricks

Tim: Sound the CHARITY SINGLE siren, please.

Tom: Woop! Woop! That’s the sound of the CHARI… oh. Actually, that’s the sound of the police. I think they’re looking for you.

Tim: What? What have I done now? Oh God, they’re not still worried about that— actually, never mind. This is for Sport Relief, you see, which is still nine weeks away but I guess that’s no reason not to start pushing the single now.

Tom: “Wherever you go… whatever you do… I will be right here waiting for you.”

Tim: Oh come on – it’s proper emotional balladry, and all the stylistic tricks have already been used many times over.

Tom: It’s more than that, Tim, it’s the entire bloody chord sequence and instrumentation.

Tim: Look. The important thing is that this is definitely not another Collective idea, which as far as I’m concerned makes it brilliant all on its own and we could stop the review right here. But no – this deserves more, because aside from the fact that they missed a golden opportunity for what would have been a perfectly justified key change, this a shining example of what a cool mellow pop song should be.

Tom: It is a shining example. Specifically, it’s Bryan Adams’s shining example.

Tim: Bryan Adams?

Tom: …the guy who did “Right Here Waiting For You”. Seriously, it’s really, really close.

Tim: Oh yes, I know the song. I’m just surprised and, well, more than a little disappointed in you, really.

Tom: Oh. Oh, damn. Damn. Anyway, you’re right about missing the key change.

Tim: Well, obviously. The lyrics are along the lines of you’re brilliant, I’m not quite as good as you are but give me a bit of time, because, well, “all that I do is to make you proud” —

Tom: Heh. Euphemistic.

Tim: I’ll ignore that — and the tone conveys that appropriately. We’ve got solo stuff in the verses, getting the emotive stuff across well, and in the chorus we’re all in there, making sure you understand. Then, of course, at the end we’re harmonising in about six octaves all at once, because that way you know we’re really very serious about this indeed. What more do you want?

Tom: A bit of original instrumentation?

One Direction – One Thing

It’s like they’ve re-released What Makes You Beautiful.

Tim: Let’s be honest – Gonna Be You was a bit disappointing, all ballady and stuff. This, less so.

Tom: Just before we discuss the song: What are One Direction’s stylists thinking? One seems to be a proto-Jake Thackray impersonator; the rest are all in fancy shirts and suits, but… well, they look like they’re wearing their dads’ outfits. It may have worked for the stars of Inception; I’m not sure it works for them.

Tim: Well, maybe, but if we’re being honest, most of the vast number of normally-clothes-obessed teenage girls who make up their fans couldn’t care less about what they’re wearing; in fact, they’d probably be very happy if they weren’t wearing anything other than a pair of swimming shorts.

Tom: That said, I buy my t-shirts in bulk online, and I’ve worn the same hoodie for about a decade now, so what do I know?

Tim: Well, enough of the sartorial chit-chat, onto the music. And my word, it’s like they’ve re-released What Makes You Beautiful. Let’s make a list:

First verse and bridge split up and sung by different members as soloists? Check.
Second verse sung as a series of rotating duets? Check.
Middle eight consisting of a fair amount of clapping? Check.
And then drawing to a close with one of them gently singing the first half of the chorus? Check.
Final section with Zayn doing a little bit of harmonising above the others? Check.
Finish the song by cutting off most off the instrumentation while they sing the end of the chorus? Check.

Tom: They know what their fans like. Or, at least, their songwriters do.

Tim: The exact same three songwriters, would you believe it.

Tom: Well, yes, I would believe it.

Tim: Fair enough. But it doesn’t stop there. Let’s take a look at the video:

Driving round in a large vehicle for a good portion of the video? Check.
Lots of group hugging and laughing to show that they’re all mates in real life as well? Check.
Occasional shot of Niall clutching a guitar to give the impressions they’re actual musicians? Check.

Formulaic? Oh, bloody hell yes. Good? Oh, bloody hell yes.