Tom: Last time we didn’t like one of her tracks, Cher Lloyd’s Twitter army – the group of superfans that constantly check Twitter for mentions of her – noticed and decided to insult us back.
Well, brace yourself, Tim, ‘cos this is…
Tom: …huh. Not terrible, but bloody hell does it annoy me.
Tim: I tell you what annoys me – the apparent loathing she has for words that begin ‘yo’.
Tom: What, like U and Ur Hand?
Tim: Exactly like that. I didn’t mention it last time because I know it’s me being a pedantic arse, but really? It would be okay if it was remotely justified, but it seems more like ‘No, I just want to do my spelling with as few letters as possible.’ OK, Cher, 2 cn play @ that game.
Tom: Oh dear. Anyway, an instrumental version of this would be lovely, because everything in the background – even the bleep-bloop video-game synths – is excellent. But the frustrated noises? The repetitive vocals? The bits where she starts talking like she’s trying to be Nicki Minaj? The oh-so-cutesy video ending? They need to go. All of them.
Tim: If she wnts him bak, y iz she brakin his bak by scruing up his sk8bord trik? & hu wears 3D glasses lik that ne more?
Tom: …I’m not actually going to bother to read that.
Tim: Seriously? Do you know how hard it is typing like that? And you skip straight past it?
Tom: It wasn’t a conscious decision. My eyes just kind of skipped past it. Anyway, just so you know: Astro is younger than Justin Bieber.
Tim: I’ve got to be honest – I never found Justin Bieber all that annoying. His fans, sure, but not the guy himself.
Tom: Agreed – the kid’s got talent, as does Astro. It’s more of a realisation that he’s only just over half my age.
Tim: Well, I said I didn’t find Justin annoying – this Ascending Star™, as the video seems to want us to call him? Man, I want to punch him, with his stupidly over-sized peak on his cap.
Tom: I think the lesson here is that Cher Lloyd tracks are brilliant, apart from Cher Lloyd.
Tim: Oh, see now it’s the end of the review and so I probably ought to say something about the track, and the horrible thing is: I quite like it. Not the stupid rapping bit (is it rapping, or is he just throwing a tantrum?), but the rest of it I think is quite catchy, poppy and enjoyable. And now I hate myself. Thanks Tom. Thanks a lot.