Not remotely in our comfort zone, but I think we should discuss this.
Tim: Now, I know this is not remotely in our comfort zone, but since you recently claimed you ‘must be getting used to dubstep’ and this prime example went straight to the top of the UK charts last week (albeit with the lowest sales of a number one single in almost two years), I think we should at the very least discuss this.
Tim: Because as it happens, I really like it. I don’t know if it’s because it’s a style that’s perhaps become more mainstream than the dubstep that was around a year ago, or because it’s just a question of getting used to it – God knows it’s gets played enough at work when any of my colleagues hijack the speakers – or perhaps just changing musical tastes, but I do really like it.
Tom: I think it’s all of those. Dubstep is becoming more mainstream (purists, no doubt, would argue that this barely counts), and we’re becoming more used to its sound. It’s like Dylan going electric, only much, much worse.
Tim: Much, much worse, you think? The vocal comes with a pitch and tone that make it somewhat charming, with a chorus perhaps described as ethereal, were I tempted to use a fancy word like that.
Tom: It’s a bit La Roux, in a very good way.
Tim: Mind you, the sounds that lie under the vocal probably wouldn’t be up to much without it, but the instrumental bits when the music’s there on its own are very enjoyable. I definitely like this. My name’s Tim, and I like this track.
Tom: My name’s Tom, and I like this track too.
Tim: Actually, I’ve just listened to Innocence, a Nero track from last April. I think it’s a combination of ‘used to it’ and ‘more mainstream’, because that one is manageable but not hugely enjoyable. Most importantly, my musical tastes seem to be as ever they were, so this site won’t be changing any time soon.
If you hear the words “Official Olympic Torch Relay Song”, I’m guessing your reaction would be the same as mine.
Tom: If you hear the words “Official Olympic Torch Relay Song”, I’m guessing your reaction would be the same as mine: automatically cringing.
Tim: And, erm, ‘Spinnin’? Really?
Tom: Now let’s add to that an unnecessary rap bit.
Tim: Well, naturally.
Tom: Can even Dionne Bromfield – her of the incredible neo-Motown voice – save this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5StF0UJ_lI
Tom: …er, well yes, it appears she can.
Tim: Official Tim reaction: ehh.
Tom: I was expecting something a bit more, well, Brittas Empire. Okay, so it’s all worthy, and the video clearly ticks all the ‘approved by the Olympic organisers’ boxes – British car, shots of London, torch images, street dance groups, and so on.
Tim: With the obligatory Union Jack dress. Well, obligatory since a certain girl band arrived.
Tom: I just didn’t expect the song to be good. It’s not going to get anyone dancing in the streets, but equally – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – except for that appalling middle eight, it’s not a national embarrassment.
Tim: I quite like that bit – the whole ‘music is healing’, everybody getting on nicely idea. Makes me realises that we are Great Britain, a GREAT country. Huzzah!
Tim: I listened to this 32 times in the first 24 hours I had this on my computer, so I have a lot to say.
Tom: Right, then I’ll get out the way and let you say it.
Tim: First, let’s have a game of Dynamic Typeface Bingo.
Tom: Catchy song. So what’ve you got to say about it? I can smell a list approaching.
Tim: Ah, what excellent olfactory senses you have. Item one: Few would deny that out of the three acts so far* from X Factor 2010, these are by far the most likely to succeed. They have the looks, youth and personality of an above-average boyband, they have songs written by songwriters of good and excellent vintage, and if this is anything to go by the music overall is very very good.
Tom: Now that’s a bold claim, given Cher Lloyd’s at number one now, but I reckon you’re right in terms of long-term success.
Tim: Cher Lloyd’s fans genuinely and unironically call themselves ‘brats’. If she wins, this country has actually died and gone to hell. So anyway, item two: The standard test of a boyband’s song: could it easily be performed by a soloist, or is there enough there to justify five of them? Well, I reckon this just about passes – there’s the ‘nobody else’ in the second chorus, and there’s a decent amount of messing around towards the end. And speaking of towards the end, my favourite bit is the sneeze-and-you-miss-it bit after the bridge where whichever one of them it is in the background goes higher for the ‘you light up my world’. I don’t know if it would have been better if more/all of them had done that (though it almost definitely would).
Tom: He does, and I wish I knew what that musical technique was called. It’s an easy way to get an emotional lift – and it works very well here.
Tim: Item three: The meaning and target of this song. I think that to understand this in all its true depth it’s easiest to become somewhat misogynistic, so apologies in advance. Let’s start rating girls, out of ten for tradition’s sake.* One through six – they’re a no-no. Eight and above – yes please. Seven, though, is borderline, and this is where it depends on the self-awareness of the target. (At no other point, please note, does her personality enter the equation.) As long as she reckons she’s a minger, let’s go with her, because she won’t know she’s out of my league. THIS is the girl to whom the song is sung, and everyone else can move along and listen to other music.
* I met a guy once who rated girls on a scale of ‘necessary number of pints’. I’ll let you judge him.
Tom: Seven is borderline? Clearly we work on different calibrations. Either that, or your scale’s logarithmic.
Tim: Fair enough, we’ll have it your way. One through seven’s a no-no, and eight’ll be borderline. But we should be careful not to take the misogyny thing too far.
Tom: That… that’s not what I… oh, never mind.
Tim: Item four.
Tom: Oh boy.
Tim: ITEM FOUR. The above leads us on to a slight logical fallacy, because there is one group of girls not mentioned: the sevens—sorry, eights—that know they’re fit. ISSUE. As soon as they know it, they’re not, at which point they can’t possibly know it because it’s not true. But now they have become beautiful, and so they do know it, and we’re back to where we started. How to correct this: change ‘you don’t know’ to ‘you don’t think’, and everything will be fine. As such, I have e-mailed Syco to request that this happen in all future live performances of the song. (Really, I have.)
Tom: Let me know if you get a reply. I find that while large companies tend to ignore emails, actual letters still get at least a perfunctory response.
Tim: There’s a potential item five that’s in somewhat dodgy territory, based on the fact that the only implication that they’re singing to a female is the ‘don’t need make-up’ line; they could alternatively be singing to a gay guy who feels he’s had to turn to transvestism to hook up with anyone. Since they’re all still impressionable teenagers, though, we’ll leave that for now.
Tom: Yes, let’s.
Tim: So actual item five: This song is absolutely bloody fantastic. If you disagree, then you’ve got it wrong; to prove I’m right, I’ll put it in a song.
Tom: And I’m sure any of our readers who made it this far would love to hear it.
Tom: Look, we both have bands and artists we like. If Hera Bjork was bringing out singles, you’d be all over them. At least give me this one.
Tim: Fair point. Plug away, my friend, because you’re right, it is a good album.
Tom: And yes, I know I said “just buy the album” last time, but it’s the first album in a long time that I’ve found that I can just keep listening to – it’s one of those that will help me work. It reliably gives me about an hour of concentrated focus and flow. Then – finishing with the American national anthem and a track sort-of mocking ‘Twilight’ and the Sweet’s ‘Ballroom Blitz’ at the same time – it leaves me uplifted and enthused, with a load of work done and the time having passed easily.
Tom: This version suffers a bit from YouTube compression, but ignore it. In fact, the album’s a fiver. Just get it. Some day, these guys will put out a duff album: but this isn’t it.
Tom: I only send Olly Murs’ singles to you so I can reuse the phrase “swaggering leprechaun cockery”. And let me tell you: it is in full force in this video.
Tim: What a total bell-end. I mean, come on, really.
Tom: Unfortunately, there’s nothing to back it up on this one; you’ll remember I found myself really quite enthused by some of his earlier tracks, despite not liking his hat and his dancing. This just doesn’t have the joy – manufactured or otherwise – that, say “Thinking of Me” had.
Tim: Still can’t believe you liked that atrocity. The lyrics came from SATAN HIMSELF, DAMN IT.
Tom: But it was fun! Anyway – Rizzle Kicks’ contribution to this one mercifully short – short enough that it’s questionable whether it should really be there in the first place. It’s as if some producer went “actually, this is really bad – how much can we remove before we break our contract with them?”
Tim: Not enough, it would seem.
Tom: Funny thing, though; between you sending that, and me reading it, I heard this on Radio 1 – quietly, in the background in a shop. And I found I quite liked it, as long as I didn’t actually listen. I have no idea how that works.
Tom: Wonderland: five-piece girl group manufactured by Louis Walsh. So far, so ordinary. Only this isn’t your normal girl group track: it’s slow, it’s mostly in five-part harmony, and there’s not a drumkit to be seen anywhere.
Tim: Hmm…
Tim: I repeat. Hmm.
Tom: Take that, the Saturdays. No ridiculous autotune here – or, if there is, it’s subtle enough that I can’t notice it. And sure, it’s slow, but that final chorus – with just enough instrumentation to give it a proper lift – is just beautiful.
Tim: And also, kind of boring. Sorry, because I accept that it is beautiful, and charming, and moving, and could bring a tear to the eye of someone somewhere, probably – but I just find it a bit dull.
Tom: This has been out on an album for months now, but it’s getting a formal single release – whatever that counts for these days – soon. That probably means that Walshy is trying to give the group another push before going on with whatever wins the X Factor this year.
Tim: Walshy? Are we best buds with him now or something?
Tom: Well, it was meant to sound vaguely sarcastic, but I don’t think it really works in text. Anyway – is it sacrilege to want a remix of this? I’m not sure if it would ruin it or make it a floorfiller, but either way I want to hear it.
Tim: Yes. This track’s USP (some might say only SP) is its quietness and calmness and all that. Take that away, and you’re left with…well, I don’t know what but it probably wouldn’t be good. Mind you, I’d have said the same thing about Evergreen, and look what happened there.
Tim: Will Young? He makes music for my grandparents, doesn’t he? No, and this has a lovely Sound of Arrows feel to it – gentle music but with a fair beat behind it – and for that reason I like this considerably.
Tom: “And it feeeels… like Jersey.” I know that’s not what he’s singing, but it’s all I can hear.
Tim: Eh, a little bit, I guess. Anyway, some may think “Oh, this isn’t the lovely Evergreen Will Young we started off with, I like his granny-pleasing stuff;” this is true, but music changes and this is an example of good change.
Tom: Agreed, with that and with the Sound of Arrows comparison. I suspect this will eventually get a genre name, in the same way that electroswing existed for years before it coalesced into an actual genre.
Tim: Others may say that it’s still just boring old Will Young and we want something HEAVY.
Tom: To a certain extent, they’re right: he gets going a bit during the last chorus, but it never really reaches any kind of apex.
Tim: Well, I think you’re wrong, but if you want to RAVE to this, have a remix by The Alias.
Tom: And that fixed it in the first fifteen seconds.
Tim: Following a run of a few tracks that weren’t remotely successful over here, he’s gone all French on us for the first song from his next album; if my French serves me correctly, the title translates roughly as ‘She Tells Me’.
Tom: I remember his last album giving me musical diabetes – there was just too much sugar. Is this any different?
Tom: Ooh. It’s still sugary, but there’s a lot more to it than that.
Tim: Yeah, and I really like it – something along the lines of ‘her’, whoever she may be, telling him to dance, and as a piece of music it fits well with that.
Tom: He’s still got the falsetto in there as well, but it’s backed up by more this time.
Tim: And about the fact that it’s in French? Controversial, perhaps, but so what. It won’t sell as well over here, I suppose, but ooh, UNLESS! Maybe he could follow in Avril Lavigne’s footsteps, because what she did with Girlfriend was absolutely wonderful.
Tom: I reckon an English translation could be a proper singalong hit – as I suspect this will be in France.
There’s no way that was meant to be good, was it? Really?
Tom: What’s the deal with music videos having director credits in them now?
Tim: I have absolutely no idea what that video was all about.
Tom: Also, Britney – you’re not Lady Gaga. Forty seconds of intro for a fairly lame gag really isn’t worth it.
Terribly blue-screened car ride. Slightly creepy driver pouring milk over self. What?
Tim: Yes, but there’s no way that was meant to be good, was it? Really? Hell, my fifteen year old cousin could do better than that on the iMac he just bought.
Tom: Let’s talk about the music. Britney’s increasingly sounding like an impressionist doing a poor version of her: I’m not even sure how it’s possible to achieve that vocal tone without major computer edi– er, never mind.
Tim: Well, it’s a decent enough track – just a fairly standard post-album release single, and more a ‘hello! would you please mind skipping to track four on the album now? and then buying it again please?’ than an actual new song.
Tom: It’s a perfectly serviceable pop song, but I can’t help feeling that if anyone except Britney Spears released it there’d be no great fuss about it. Good to know she’s bounced back into being a regular pop star, though.
Tim: She stopped? But… but Britney is queen of pop. Everyone knows that. Don’t they?
Tom: An excellent track, far better than this. I’m calling it, right here: in a couple of weeks, Simon Cowell is going to hold a press conference where he reveals this was all just a joke, and he was trying to see just how far he could push the public.
Tom: Deep and meaningful, yet still an excellent bit of music. Meanwhile, Lloyd’s lyrics – such as they are – preemptively mock anyone who calls it out as crap.
Tom: A wonderful track that I’d forgotten about. As for ‘Swagger’ – I’m telling you, Tim: someone, maybe the lyricist, maybe the composer, maybe the producer, but someone is chuckling to themselves ‘I can’t believe I’m getting away with this’.
Tom: Now that’s a terrible track – but it’s still better than this. But here’s the worst part: I’ve listened to this song once, only once, and the chorus is stuck in my head. It’s rare for me to actively hate a bit of music, but I hate this.
