Category: Mainstream

Tinchy Stryder feat. Dappy – Spaceship

“This is going to be hilarious.”

Tim: What.

Tom: First thought when I saw the title and artist? “This is going to be hilarious.”

Tom: One man whose name sounds like a reject from War of the Worlds. One man who wears a ridiculous hat. And their music video is like ‘I’m On A Boat‘, only serious. Guys: the Lonely Island are making fun of you. It’s not something to emulate.

Tim: But…but…where’s the na-na-nai? There are a few na-nas, sure but THIS ISN’T A DAPPY SONG WITHOUT IT.

Tom: I should probably be a bit less sarcastic, because there is genuine talent here. It’s well produced, the backing’s good, and both of them can rap. But when the entire song is “look how rich we are, come worship us”… well, it does tend to make you see them is a less favourable light.

Tim: I’ve got a fair amount of codeine in me as I’m writing this, which may affect my judgement, but: I actually quite like the chorus. There I’ve said it. Now mock me.

Jason Derulo – Don’t Wanna Go Home

This is so much less than the sum of its parts.

Tom: This is so much less than the sum of its parts.

Tim: Oh, God, I’ve heard this on the radio, and it’s awful – why are you trying to make me listen to this?

Tim: I hadn’t seen the video. It doesn’t really improve anything. The only good thing about it is Jason’s facial hair, which NEVER FAILS to impress me.

Tom: It’s a shame, really. Sampling ‘Day-O’ as your chorus – and then twisting it to be the opposite of the original – is actually a pretty good gimmick. And “Show Me Love” is a pretty good track – I can imagine any number of decent songs coming from reimaginings of that.

Tim: Yeah. And I can imagine any number of bad ones as well. This is somewhere near the top of that list.

Tom: In those first few seconds – the a cappella intro and the start of the backing – I thought “this is going to be brilliant”. And then he sang his own name, and it went so, so wrong.

Tim: As ever.

Tom: Here, have some Muppets to make you feel better.

Tim: Helps a bit. Cheers.

Calvin Harris feat. Kelis – Bounce

All right, you Scottish DJ genius. What’re you up to?

Tom: All right, you Scottish DJ genius. What’re you up to now? Teaming up with Kelis bodes well. Let’s have a listen.

Tom: Is that a chiptune backing I hear? Not when it kicks in, of course, but that intro is pretty close to 8-bit to my ears, even if he’s not using genuine old-school soundfonts. I’m quite glad that’s going properly mainstream.

Tim: Erm, because it reminds you of the good old days when music was produced on a SNES?

Tom: Ah, now that’s not strictly true. It’s a genre in itself these days, notable enough for Timbaland to rip it off.

Pity the rest of it’s a bit boring. I know that’s kind of Calvin Harris’s shtick – somehow making dance tracks sound laid-back – but it seems to come out as just being… well, a bit dull. It tries well to amp up in the bridge, and admittedly the final chorus has something to it. But it’s just not enough.

Tim: Perhaps. On the other hand, if we look at this as a Kelis track, it knocks spots off Milkshake and all the other crap that she’s put out over the years, so I’m happy with it.

Tom: Plus, “bounce to this track”? It’s a song about itself, Tim, and you know how I hate those.

Tim: Oh, stop whining.

Tom: Shan’t.

My Chemical Romance – Bulletproof Heart

Just get the damn album, it’s brilliant.

Tom: My Chemical Romance are one of the best bands performing in the world today. Who else does seriously good concept albums to enormous critical and popular appeal?

They’re still bringing out singles from the fantastic Danger Days, and with good justification. YouTube compression doesn’t do justice to the track, but nevertheless:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=–0XPGid7JY

Tom: Listen to that, damn it. For a band that started as ’emo’ – even if they denied it themselves – they’ve basically become a modern glam rock band. And they’re good. How is that even possible? Just get the damn album, it’s brilliant and it’s only about a fiver now.

Tim: You know, there’s not much for me to add there.

Example – Changed The Way You Kiss Me

Not quite a Eurobeat track, but it’s close.

Tom: All right, Example, you’ve done good before. Let’s see what your laid-back half-rapping half-singing brings us this time.

Tom: You know, that’s not quite a Eurobeat track, but it’s close – certainly the closest I’ve heard in mainstream music for a while, I think. I can see this, with minor differences – maybe a female vocalist – coming out of Germany a decade ago. I say that as a compliment – there’s a reason those styles still persist today.

Tim: A good time in music, was that. And speaking of which, I caught a bloke at work who’s normally all ‘hip-hop’s the one true way’ listening to Alice Deejay on his headphones the other day. Now I have leverage.

Tom: Interesting bridge, though; done entirely in the backing, with the pause and rising effect. Not sure it works, other than breaking up the song a bit; the ending does seem to just peter out after that.

Tim: I actually really like it – it’s more a variation on a theme than a standard bridge switch-out, and I think it works well.

Tom: It’d do well in the middle of a DJ set, this would.

Nicole Scherzinger feat. 50 Cent – Right There

“It’s Hoff time.”

Tom: Can you forgive her for kicking Our Cheryl off the US X Factor, Tim?

Tim: Yes, bec—

Tom: Don’t worry, I don’t actually care about the answer.

Tom: Before we talk about the song, let’s handle that video. That’s 50 Cent, wearing outdoor clothing in front of a bad bluescreen. Know what that reminds me off?

Tim: I’m worried that I might.

Tom: That’s right: it’s Hoff time.

Tim: And, there it is.

Tom: And frankly, I think the Hoff’s track is a damn sight better than this. She’s got INJU5TICE syndrome with all the eh-eh-ehs, and the endless “me like” is just as irritating. Is there a melody in there anywhere? I’m not sure. And okay, Fiddy’s good at what he does and his opening rap isn’t bad – but then it’s straight back to ‘hurr this is how good I am in bed’.

Tim: Forget the music, I’m slightly in awe of the video, or at least the start of it – it is, without question, the worst opening 90 seconds of a music video for a song by two big artists for the past long long time. The cheap blue screen, the incredibly dodgy sliding pavement, the weird synchronised-chicken dancing.

Tom: There’s an actual repeat-until-fade though. How often do we see that any more?

Tim: Normally, that happens if they can’t think of a good ending for a song. I suppose here, their acknowledging that means they can sort of avoid the bigger truth that they couldn’t think of a good beginning or middle either.

Tom: Bring back the Hoff, that’s what I say.

Jennifer Lopez feat. Lil Wayne – I’m Into You

Occasional puking noises.

Tom: Talented singer and actress Jennifer Lopez, collaborating with… well, with Lil Wayne. This is an example of a song that really didn’t need the collaboration.

Tom: A catchy-enough hook and reasonable verses, over which Lil Wayne makes occasional puking noises and repeats the last few words. He’s not bad when he actually gets into flow, but he just isn’t necessary on the rest of it.

Tim: Hmm. Her last track was entirely ruined by the addition of Pitbull; Lil Wayne’s not so bad, but you’re right – he really wouldn’t be missed.

Tom: And what on earth is with that bridge? It’s as if someone suddenly spliced in an entirely different song for a little while. Everything changes, with no connection between the two. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything like that before – I’m almost convinced it was put in just to screw up the folks who watch it on YouTube, but it’s too melodic for that.

Tim: Interesting, certainly – I have no problem with it though, as it does liven up an otherwise somewhat dull song.

Tom: If there’s a version without the interruptions from bridge and Wayne, then I could support it. As it is – not so much.

Amanda Mair – House

“Musical blueballs”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OU2eghWj1c

Tom: It’s a slow start, Tim. This had better be good.

Tim: When first heard this, I felt utterly betrayed after 45 seconds when the build-up grew and grew and grew and stopped, and I almost switched the track off in disgust. Glad I didn’t, though, because when it next builds up it doesn’t die down, and it’s a fairly good number.

Tom: I think what you have there is a case of “musical blueballs”. That’s a technical term, y’know. I didn’t just make it up.

Tim: If that is what you say, I believe you. But regardless of whether or not I am suffering, there’s lots going on, tuneful and melodic and all that, and while it does settle into rinse and repeat territory a good couple of minutes before the end (20 second bridge excepted), it’s quite good stuff that’s being repeated, so I don’t mind. Thumbs up.

Tom: Agreed.

The Saturdays – Notorious

“Oh, this upsets me. The Saturdays used to be good.”

Tom: It’s hard to believe, but this is even more highly processed and stylised than a regular Saturdays track.

Tim: Oh, this upsets me. The Saturdays used to be good. Oh…

Tom: Is there a single lyric in there that actually sounds like it was originally sung? They might as well have just synthesised all the audio and got Weta Digital to generate some CGI women to sing it.

Tim: Yeah – I am actually genuinely gutted by this. They were never the most ground-breaking of groups, but the music wasn’t this tedious or dull before.

Tom: And the video’s even more stylised: they’re walking in step like some kind of bizarre stiletto-based army. I’m not sure what’s less believable: product placement for lip gloss, or their track being on actual vinyl.

Tim: There are, however, a lot of blokes who would give a lot to be trapped in that lift with all of them.

Tom: Well, granted. The trouble is, of course, that the song’s is catchy – just like it’s calculated to be. After a couple of listens, this has all the requirements to be a floorfiller, even if it’s rather difficult to sing along to.

Tim: Is it catchy, though? Maybe I’m having an off day, but I’ve listened to it twice now and I still can’t really pick out a chorus.

Tom: Sorry, what? I was still distracted by that lift.

Yasmin – Finish Line

Harmless.

Tom: This is an odd one, Tim. You’ll remember that our regular Radio Insider said that if Yasmin’s previous track wasn’t big, he’d “buy a hat so [he] can eat it”. Well… it hit 39 in the charts, but he’s gone double-or-nothing on this one, which has already reached the heady heights of number 13.

Tom: I have no idea how this got to number 13 at all.

Tim: Were I limited to one word, I would describe this as ‘harmless’.

Tom: It’s a curious mix of Virtual Insanity (“Future’s…”), Year 3000 (“Sepa- / ration- / you and- / me and-“), and Mortal Kombat (“FINISH LINE”). But it’s somehow less than the sum of its parts. It’s listenable enough, I suppose, once you get over the low-fi ‘finish line’ sample and the urge to break into Busted.

Tim: Yeah – there’s nothing particularly wrong with it, although the yeah-eh-i-yeah-blah-blah bit is just annoying and repetitive enough to get stuck, and I would turn it off. Wouldn’t ring up a request show for it, though.

Tom: I’m not sure why her bed eats her at the end of the video.

Tim: I’m just intrigued as to why two people who are clearly aware they they can’t touch each other still went through the processes of getting half-naked and ending up in bed together.

Tom: Sounds like most marriages, doesn’t it?*

*That joke brought to you by the 1970s.