Sophia Somajo – Klein Blue

“A slightly wonky metaphor, but it’s better than a lot we hear here.”

Tim: New one off Sweden’s Sophia, who’s been away for a while but has now returned with a song about if you look at her up close you’ll see that she is blue (presumably metaphorically so, but you never can tell really).

Tom: With a blue little window, and a blue Corvette, and everything is…

Tom: …oh. No, then. Never mind.

Tim: Sorry, no. Let’s delve deep: when there’s no light she’s like a bottomless abyss of an ocean, which really is very dark indeed, but when you get closer and see her in the light she is in fact klein blue (which is an actual colour, taken from a very interesting and not at all pointless painting).

Tom: Don’t you sass International Klein Blue! That’s someone who can successfully invent, and then name, a colour — specifically one that’s difficult to reproduce — after themselves. That’s a skill, and, yes it makes this a slightly wonky metaphor for a song, but it’s better than a lot we hear here.

Tim: Oh, fine. Slightly wonky metaphors aside, though, that’s a pretty good song, isn’t it? Bit loud, bit raucous, and mostly a brilliant chorus, doing justice to her insistence that people just need to LOOK AT HER, DAMMIT. Well, I’m not bothered whether people do look at her or not, but I do hope peopler hear her, because I’d like more of this.

Tom: It’s not bad, is it? Not going on regular rotation for me — a bit too dark and introspective for my tastes — but I can see the appeal.

Tim: EP’s out in February, so let’s wait and see.

Justin Bieber – Love Yourself

“Right then: my name is Tim and I’m a Belieber.”

Tim: Okay, so, there’s a thing, you see. It’s something I’ve, er, come to realise about myself. It’s been a difficult process, coming to terms with it, accepting myself for it, and I’m hoping people will be okay with it. Basically…well, the thing is…right, I’m just going to say it. Now. This moment. Well, after this.

Tim: Right then: my name is Tim and I’m a Belieber.

Tom: Let me guess: and then you saw his face? Anyway. Why are you suddenly a fan?

Tim: If anyone had suggested that I’d be saying that as little as two months ago, I’d have said absolutely not. A year ago, I’d probably have told them to go love themselves, but I’m fairly sure that right here and now is the moment where Justin finally (if he hasn’t already) exposes himself as an actual musical talent with depth, skill and personality.

Tom: Mm. It’s not a bad track, I’ll grant you that — and it’s certainly a cut above what you’d expect given his reputation of recent years, or less recent years. I’ve said for a long time that he’s a good musician — I just didn’t like the music. And this is… well, it’s okay, I guess. Why does it work for you?

With such minimal instrumentation in the background, this shows one hell of a raw side to him that I think even his biggest fans haven’t seen before – it’s apparently written about a particular person, but unlike Taylor Swift, he ain’t saying.

Tom: Mm. Unfortunately, that minimal instrumentation isn’t quite enough for me: it’s good, I know it’s good — and I should mention that video, because those dancers are wonderful — but it’s just not enough of a pop song to make me want to hear it again.

Tim: All in all, I am a big fan of this Justin than we’re seeing at the moment. A proper human being, a very good musician with songwriting talent and vocal skills, and great tracks to present himself with. Also, “my mama don’t like you and she likes everyone” is one of the best burns I’ve heard in a long, long time, so well done for that as well.

The Killers feat. Richard Dreyfuss – Dirt Sledding

“Isn’t lovely when the bells come along?”

Tim: Festive outing number 10 for The Killers, and the third in a trilogy previously featuring 2007’s Don’t Shoot Me Santa and 2012’s I Feel It In My Bones. Long story short, Brandon Flowers is at the top of the naughty list, and Santa, played by Ryan Pardey, wants to murder him.

Tom: Wait, never mind Ryan Pardey: what on earth is Richard Dreyfuss doing there?

Tim: Well, have a listen, as I think, think, this might be the one to break through your humbug armour. Have a listen.

Tom: Nearly. Nearly.

Tim: Oh come now, JOY! As far as Killers Christmas songs go, I think has gone straight to number two – it’ll take a huge amount to beat The Cowboys’ Christmas Ball – but it’s back to that style, and there’s a lot of happiness in that video, with Santa and Brandon hugging it out at the end. Even if you’re weirded out by the jumping around in costumes, it’s all revealed at the end so it’s okay really. And speaking of the end, oh, isn’t lovely when the bells come along?

Tom: It is. And that’s a great chorus — with harmonies that remind me of Queen more than anything else, which I suspect is a deliberate style choice. But that schlocky-accent talking-bit completely kills it for me.

Tim: Yes – that is my biggest annoyance with the track as well. I could also do without quite such a mopey intro (though I get the need), but those aside this is just lovely, and I’m a particularly fan of the donkey stumbling around in the background. So, ultimate test: are you feeling festive yet?

Tom: Not yet. Not quite yet. But it’s close.

Tim: Hmm. I’ll wear you down in the end.

Saturday Flashback: Train – Shake Up Christmas

“This is designed to be in every Christmas commercial.”

Tim: Lest you think it’s just female pop soloists who do Christmas albums, Drops of Jupiter hitmakers Train have got one out this year as well, called Christmas in Tahoe. It’s “exclusively on Amazon Music” which is a bit wanky, let’s be honest.

Tom: But enormously lucrative for them, no doubt. Train are a strange band, aren’t they? Consistently successful, enormous licensing deals for commercials and “exclusives”, a lot of people clearly like them, and yet I’ve never met anyone who’s ever said “you know, I really like Train”.

Tim: Hmm, I’d never thought about them that way before. Anyway, this track’s from 2010 and therefore is on the YouTube.

Tom: Well, that’s absolutely generic, just like almost every other cash-in “let’s write a Christmas song” single. Or, indeed, most Train singles.

Tim: Pretty much, I guess. And that’s one bouncer that’s not coming to work tomorrow, so THANKS SANTA for that increase in unemployment over Christmas time, but for everybody else in that video, GLORY BE because they all get to see Train for free. Except for the people who’ve already paid, and will probably end up feeling a bit ticked off, but let’s not think about that, let’s instead WAKE UP THE HAPPINESS.

Tom: This is designed to be in every Christmas commercial. And it’ll probably work.

Tim: Could well be, because oh, what a happy track this is. Lyrics about kids wanting the world to be happy, and grandma to be happy, oh and also can I have lifelong happiness with a girl please I’ll just sneak that in on the end there THANKS. Music’s basically standard Train fare with added sleigh bells and glockenspiely percussion, which to be honest I reckon is exactly what a Train festive track should be. Basically, three out of four great Christmas tracks and we’re only five days into December, so I think we’ll be alright.

Tom: And, as ever with my harsher rating scheme, I’m still in “bah humbug” mode. Every year there’s one that gets me, Tim — it’s been Hurts, it’s been Kelly Clarkson — let’s just hope that one makes it through my Scrooge-like armour before Christmas Day.

Kylie Minogue – Every Day’s Like Christmas (Stock Aitken Waterman Remix)

“That is EXACTLY what I expected it to be.”

Tim: RIGHT, so here’s a third one off Kylie’s album that’s getting a push, or at least this remix is, and here’s why.

Tom: Crikey, they’re pushing these out, aren’t they?

Tim: On occasion, with good reason:

Tom: Well, that is EXACTLY what I expected it to be.

Tim: Exactly as brilliant, I trust you mean. I really don’t think it would be going too far to call Mike, Matt and Pete the true three wise men of this Christmas at least, with what they’ve done to the Chris Martin-penned original being this good.

Tom: I don’t want to think about what that makes Kylie.

Tim: Ew. Um, no. That original is a perfectly decent Christmas song on its own, but this takes that, festive trumpets and bells and all, sticks a fantastic final chorus on the end and basically turns it right up to poppers o’clock.

Tom: You know that GIF of Nathan Fillion? That’s basically how I reacted to those last few words. Well done.

Tim: Good good. We’ve also a lovely huggy message in the lyrics, Christmassy instruments and as brilliant a production as you could possibly expect. Oh, it’s good.

Tom: It is, but I’m going to qualify this somewhat: it’s good, but even in the Three Wise Men’s glory years, I think this would have been a B-side. There’s nothing wrong with it, but there’s nothing to make it massively stand out.

Tim: Oh, I could not disagree more. I can understand, slightly, why they went for 100 Degrees as the main release, but damn, they should have gone with this – this track here is Kylie’s One More Sleep, and long may it hang around.

PSY – Napal Baji

“That is FLAWLESS modern funk-disco pop.”

Tom: No, this is not his big new song.

Tim: Good, because that one’s almost entirely terrible.

Tom: This is his other new song. I don’t know why he’s released two singles at the same time, but he has. And yes, the other one might be getting the press because it’s weird and what the Western world expects from him, but this track? It’s much better.

Tim: Okay. Anything else?

Tom: All you need to know is that “napal baji” means “flares”. As in, trousers.

Tim: Oh that really is much better.

Tom: That is FLAWLESS modern funk-disco pop. That backing guiat riff is straight from Daft Punk. That first verse has an “Uptown Funk” rhythm to it. And yes, that’s because they’re all drawing off the same influences from decades ago and updating them — but it’s so rare to hear it done this well.

Tim: Do you know, halfway through I started thinking “this’d be a really good Fleur East song” – obviously you’d need different lyrics and a few other tweaks here and there, but it’d fit very well stylistically, and be a damn sight less annoying than Sax.

Tom: Plus, an incredibly high-budget music video helps. This doesn’t deserve to be overshadowed by the “ha, the Gangnam Style guy’s done another weird song” — this is just a great track.

The Genuine Fakes – Do You Want To Build A Snowman?

“A hell of a deviation from the original”

Tom: You’re kidding me.

Tim: Oh no. It’s an interesting choice for a band’s debut release to be a Christmas EP, but this Swedish band are going for it, with a cover of a brutally overshadowed song from Frozen.

Tom: Hmm. I was going to say “that’s unnecessary” based on the first verse — it sounded almost like it was being sung by a robot, all perfectly in time. But by the second verse, I was starting to get what they were doing.

Tim: Joey from the band has said that ‘when I first heard the song, I immediately thought that it was a perfect pop song’, and with this treatment they’ve given it it’s hard to argue otherwise. Musically it’s a hell of a deviation from the original, though the general theme still makes itself clear, with a decent level of pleading still there. In short: this is great.

Tom: Apart from that ending. What’s going on with that odd fadeout?

Tim: Annoyingly, something that comes across from the original – sometimes the chorus is followed by a glum “okay bye”, but other times, particularly at the end, it’s just left fading. Anyway, much like Kylie’s, this’ll never be a Christmas anthem, but it’s not trying to be: it just wants to be a bit of fun, and it really is.

Tom: Ah, if it’s fun you want, I’ve got you sorted.

Kylie & Dannii Minogue – 100 Degrees

“Could you get away with this at the height of disco fever? Sure. Would we still be playing it now? Well.”

Tim: CHRISTMAS TIME!!! Every Christmas album needs to come with a new track, like Kelly’s Wrapped in Red or Leona’s One More Sleep.

Tom: And occasionally they’re even good! But statistically…

Tim: Actually, both of those truly were very good, whatever you’re cruelly trying to imply. And now Kylie brings us this, the sisters’ first collaboration in almost a decade. Who said families always argue at Christmas?

Tom: Bongos. Of course there are bongos at Christmas.

Tim: Yes, you see here’s the thing – this here is a track that wants to be a disco Christmas anthem even after climate change has well and truly taken its toll on the festive season – after all, it’s hardly like Merry Christmas Everyone is particularly accurate any more.

Tom: So the big question: Celsius or Fahrenheit? Because 100C ain’t enough to roast a turkey, but 100F is even a bit low for Australian Christmas.

Tim: Either way, it’s a bit too hot for comfort, and it’s certainly not what anyone wants to imagine. As far as this hanging around to actually make it as an anthem, though, there’s one big question: is disco really the right genre for a festive track? To be honest: I really don’t think so. Yes, there’s a gap in the market (and this may have been written to fill it), but it’s there for a reason.

Tom: Agreed. Could you get away with this in the 1980s, at the height of disco fever? Sure. Would we still be playing it now? Well.

Tim: Sure, people have parties at Christmas, and they want to dance, but they want to dance to tunes they know, and if new tunes are going to be played, they need to blend in. This really, really doesn’t. Sorry, Kylie: much as I might like this as a regular track, it’s just not right for Christmas.

Maria Hazell – Golden Boy

Tim: This here from Maria, who is off Sweden —

Tom: I’m really not sure that’s how you say it.

Tim: — is 200 seconds of synthy excellence, so I hope you’re ready.

Tim: And there you go – a whole lot of just plain superb components.

Tom: She sounds like Rihanna in the verses. In terms of vocal quality, I mean; it’s rare for an artist to have someone else’s “recognisable” voice.

Tim: A strong voice, a great synth backing, and a chorus that verges on being outright brilliant, with those high pitched vocals.

Tom: Mm. I don’t feel it myself: it constantly feels like it’s waiting to kick in, and then it never does. The chorus never goes big enough. And then there’s that middle eight.

Tim: I even don’t find the rapping bit off-putting, actually, which says a lot about the track because it takes a lot to make that happen. That final chorus, though – yep, that’s everything a track needs. Fantastic.

Saturday Flashback: Matt Willis – Crash

“It deserves to be fast”

Tim: For all the celebrations there have been about Busted returning, it’s easy to think that nothing happened during the break up period, but that is totally not the case. Matt, for example, had three top 20 singles; this wasn’t one of them, but it should be been.

Tom: Several thoughts: first, that’s a minimal-effort single cover if ever there was one. 2007 — that’d be just after bottom had fallen out of the singles market, so this’d be one of the last singles to have a proper CD release, I’ll bet.

Tim: It’s a cover of the 1988 song by The Primitives, which is, it pains me to say, actually quite a bit more interesting with more variety in the instrumental.

Tom: Yep, that original is a classic, and I’ll be honest: it’s going to be extremely difficult to beat. But it’s a bloody good effort.

Tim: It’s not, however, quite as heavy as this, which, to me at least, means it doesn’t appear as fast as this (even though they’re both going at an amazing 170BPM). And that’s where this song shines in comparison – it deserves to be fast, the first lyric is about going too fast, and if it was too slow the (oh, so) repetitive lyrics in that fade out would quickly get very, very tiresome. As it is, it’s very enjoyable, and while I might complain normally about the fade-out anyway, if the original authors couldn’t work out how to finish it properly then I won’t hold it against Matt. WELL DONE to everybody involved.