Lines & Colours – Dear Santa

“I might have actually gotten a little Christmassy there.”

Tim: Croatian boyband here for you who’ve been around for a few years now, recently joined by a Swede – a rapidly escalated school foreign exchange, I can only assume. Here’s this line-up’s debut, a festive one.

Tom: Huh. That’s surprisingly good. That “wish list” in the pre-chorus bit made me pay attention, and that chorus is just lovely, with just the right amount of bells to note it’s a Christmas song without overdoing it.

Tim: Typically, when songs write to Santa, they’re being hugely selfish, asking for love and thus eternal happiness, or incredibly selfless (and basically lying), wanting happiness for everyone else. This one sits decidedly in the middle of the two, being more or less “fly on, mate, nothing needed here”, and that’s both refreshing and somewhat believable, so first off well done to them for that.

Tom: And you know what? That sentimentality has actually broken through my bah-humbug armour, just a little bit. I’m probably just tired. And to be fair, it is just “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, directed at Santa instead.

Tim: As for the rest of it, I’d peg at the level of maybe second or third single from a typical boyband album, which is a perfectly decent way to carry on and say “yep, we’re still good”.

Tom: The end peters out a bit: I think there’s more you could do with that last chorus. But I might have actually gotten a little Christmassy there.

Tim: In that case: solid work.

Saturday Flashback: Hotpantz – One For Christmas

“Given the name of the band, I’m going to brace myself.”

Tim: Right, I have tried many, many ways of getting you festive, so far unsuccessfully. So I’m going to try a completely different tack, with this.

Tom: Oh dear. Given the name of the band, I’m going to brace myself.

Tim: Before you press play, though, two things. First, this is an actual released track, single with a B-side and everything, and not from a TV sketch show as one of my friends hoped it was when he first heard it; second, I’d like you to picture me sitting in the corner with a big grin on my face, gleefully awaiting your reaction.

Tom: Sad to say, at least for your gleeful joy, that pretty much bounced off me leaving no impression whatsoever.

Tim: Oh.

Tom: It’s… well, it’s more that I want to know the story behind it. Who thought this was a good idea? Who wrote it? And my biggest question: when is this from? Because the hairstyles are from the mid-2000s; the homemade CGI is from the early 2000s; that bizarre pseudo-saxophone synth patch is from the early-90s; the keyed background staying static while the people move is from the 80s; but the whole thing was uploaded in 2011.

Tim: Well, you’re not far off with the singles and CGI: single came out originally way back in 2004, and I think it was a genuine release with an actual hope at being successful – the label was the same one responsible for Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy (though also, um, Crazy Frog). Needless to say, though, it wasn’t remotely successful, peaking as it did at number 64.

Tom: I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s terrible, but it’s almost like it’s trying to be.

Tim: Much as I’d love that: nope. It’s just plain awful.

CHVRCHES – Empty Threat

“Oh, oh, that video is lovely.”

Tim: Weird how chart success works, isn’t it? Take this lot – both albums have gone straight into the top 10, but they’ve only ever had one actual single in the top 40, which got to the stunning heights of 38.

Tom: There are many paths to the charts, now – and Music Fans do still like their albums.

Tim: Anyway, here’s their latest release.

Tom: Oh, oh, that video is lovely. I know I’m a sucker for that sort of bleached-out, retro Americana style of shot, but that’s just a wonderful video.

Tim: And whoever said goths couldn’t hang out and have fun at a water park? This is a really rather enjoyable track, I’d say, and is very much one of the best songs on the album, so God knows why they’ve left it for the fourth single from it – it’s considerably better than any least two of the previous three. It’s got a catchy chorus, it’s got that great sound and production that we love from them, and unlike the lead single we looked at in August, it doesn’t leave me with any sense of dissatisfaction. Very well done, back on form.

Tom: And unusally for one of their singles, I can actually remember some of the melody after listening to it. Yeah, I’ll go with that — if I’m in the mood for something like this, I suspect I wouldn’t find much better.

Tim: Success prediction? Well, it’s been on the Radio 1 playlist for a few weeks now, so maybe it’ll do better – though given that the album’s been out for three months already (got to number 4) and none of the first three tracks individually broke the top 100 singles, I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Tom: But like you said at the start: that’s not always how you measure success these days.

KIM – Bleeding Hearts

“At the cutting edge of music journalism, as usual.”

Tim: Here’s one for you off Denmark, formerly with the now-disbanded Colourkaleido. I’ve not got much more info for you – the main two themes that crop up on a Google search for it are Your Bleeding Heart, an old song by a guy called Kim Taylor, and some weird Kim Jong Un photoshop.

Tom: At the cutting edge of music journalism, as usual.

Tim: Anyway, see what you think.

Tim: And that certainly starts strong, and is, I think, one of the most enjoyable tracks I’ve heard in a while, at least if we’re not counting Christmas ones.

Tom: There are certainly some good bits in there, but I’m not sure it’s marked out as particularly enjoyable for me. What stands out for you?

Tim: It starts as it means to go on, with drumbeats and synths all very much present as they should be. The vocal comes in nicely on point, and from there it keeps going strongly.

Tom: I’ll grant you the chorus is interesting: the harmonies, and the percussion that’s anything but four-on-the-floor are good. And the middle eight stands out for me as the best part. But it doesn’t really get exciting: it’s not singalong, it’s not exceptional, it’s… okay.

Tim: Maaaaybe it goes on a bit too long – not really sure it needs quite all that extra at the end, although with the level it’s pumped up to there, I do enjoy it very much. In any case, we have here a very good track. Nice one.

Armand Deluxe – The Holidays Are Here (Next Stop Is Christmas)

“So jazzy. And really quite lovely.”

Tim: You may remember Armand’s track Almost Christmas Day that we featured two years back; if you don’t then, well, it seems to have gone from the internet now but you enjoyed it, despite the kids choir. This has precisely no children, and I will be astonished if it doesn’t take a sizeable chunk out of your humbug armour.

Tim: Oh, SO JAZZY.

Tom: So jazzy. And really quite lovely. You know, that introduction did put a small crack in my armour.

Tim: My feeling with that is of a the opening to a festive film set in the 1950s. We start off in some gritty underworld jazz club, old people smoking and looking a tad miserable (who by the end of the film will be considerably cheery), a woman up on the stage singing this and then roll opening credits.

Tom: Huh. Yep, I can see this. Big long Goodfellas-style steadicam shot.

Tim: Gradually we see a montage of the world outside being decorated, people being happy, and then we’re back for the end of it, and the rest can all be written by J J Abrams because apparently he’s good at films and stuff.

Tom: Yep. We’ll find out very soon, won’t we? I’ve got my ticket for the first day. Huh. You know what, I’m almost feeling cheery.

Tim: Hooray! Because enough cinema – basically all you need to know is that, with nine days to go: NEXT STOP IS CHRISTMAS, OH YEAH – THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!

Tom: aaaaand you ruined it.

Tim: DAMMIT.

Tom: Back to humbug for now. But it nearly made it through.

Kygo feat. Maty Noyes – Stayed

“And that is…well, that’s Kygo, really.”

Tim: New one off Kygo, who you may or may not have noticed is still enjoying considerable amounts of success.

Tom: Which is impressive. I thought tropical house would be over by now, but no: he’s codified a genre and continues to make it work. Well done him. Who’s Maty Noyes?

Tim: New guest vocalist, who previously has worked with The Weeknd.

Tim: And that is…well, that’s Kygo, really. Well, Kygo with a very pretty lyric video, at any rate.

Tom: Yep. Similar instrumentation, perhaps a bit more chilled-out but still roughly the same. Kicked in exactly how I wanted it to, exactly when I wanted it to. It’s from the textbook, yes, but it’s a textbook that Kygo wrote.

Tim: It’s already hit top 5 in Norway and Sweden and is now getting a push elsewhere in the world; to be honest, though, I’m not as much of a fan of it as I have been previously. I’m not sure why – maybe I just want something a bit new, rather than the same synthy chorus and female vocals. It’s perfectly listenable – just sounds like more of an album track, really.

Tom: Agreed. Still, regression towards the mean and all that: he was bound to have a duff track eventually. And if his duff album track is this good, well…

Tim: Though I would quite like to hear a Kygo album, so can we have one soon, please?

Chinook – Dancing In Flames

“Does seem to go on a bit.”

Tim: Chinook, veteran of Norwegian Idol 2014, presenting a video for this, a song which first came out a few months back. Have a listen, you might enjoy it.

Tim: And that there, for me at least, is a song that while very enjoyable and actually not particularly long, does seem to go on a bit.

Tom: I couldn’t work out quite where it was going at start: it seems to change genre between verse and chorus, and the percussion, synth and vocal lines seem almost to be following completely different tempos in that first pre-chorus. That’s a heck of a trick to pull off, and it certainly makes the song interseting — I’m just not sure if it makes it listenable. And yes, perhaps it does go on a bit.

Tim: I don’t know why – like I say, it’s very enjoyable, and I’m perfectly happy to push play again once it’s finished, as those vocals are excellent, production’s good, melody’s nice and the chorus is fine. It’s just, after three minutes I look over at it and think “blimey, is this still going?” Maybe the chorus just isn’t quite fine enough – sure, it’s got a decent beat behind it, but maybe if that was lifted up an extra 20% or so I might get more enthused. Or at the very least add something new and exciting to the final chorus.

Actually, yes, that’s exactly it – bring in a proper bit of excitement after the middle eight, and I’d love this. As it is – fairly good.

Saturday Flashback: Barenaked Ladies – Elf’s Lament

“I’ve not got anything against Mickey Bubbles.”

Tim: Next in the line of Christmas albums from years gone past – Barenaked Ladies brought out Barenaked for the Holidays in 2011; for this they teamed up with a just getting started Michael Bublé, who had yet to establish his position as King of Christmas.

Tom: Huh! I like Barenaked Ladies, and I’ve not got anything against Mickey Bubbles. Let’s have a listen.

Tim: And it’s full of workplace resentment, because how much more festive can you get?

Tim: And just like that, the image of happily toiling elves gets chucked out the window as quickly as a happy Santa did the moment the Killers came along.

Tom: It took me until about the second verse to work that out, because it sounds like such a happy song.

Tim: Let’s be honest: they have a point. Spending all year working in a factory just because of what you are, producing millions of toys that, as stated, may well have been discarded within hours of being received. It’s upsetting, really, and to be honest I think we should be thanking these guys for bringing attention to this sad state of affairs, trying to prevent us all falling for the pro-Santa propaganda of films like Elf and Arthur Christmas. SHAME ON YOU, Hollywood, for giving in to the fat man.

Tom: But never mind all that: because this is a lovely song! This is classic-era Barenaked Ladies, with an extra guest vocalist. Not sure I like the cheesy outro, but hey, it’s Christmas. I can live with it. And I know it doesn’t count for the “will this lift Tom’s humbug spirit” contest, because it’s an old one — but this got pretty damn close.

Little Mix – Love Me Like You (Christmas Mix)

“Pretty much the lowest-effort remix possible”

Tim: Here’s a recipe for you: take one of the best pop choruses of the year (albeit one that could probably do with being sped up 10% or so); blend together with a flavouring of extra jingliness to complement that which is already there; gently fold in some chiming bells; place on various music platforms and wait for the festivities to commence.

Tom: Ah! And presumably that’s a recipe for a “cash-in”.

Tim: Did anyone ask for this? Not really, but I don’t care, because it’s utterly ridiculous and it’s got me somewhere between giggling stupidly and feeling very very Christmassy.

Tom: It’s utterly unnecessary, but considering it’s pretty much the lowest-effort remix possible and it’ll make its money back with Christmas party DJs buying it to throw into their mix for late-December… well, it’ll do. And to be fair, the original track stands up well on tis own anyway.

Tim: I’ll be honest, I’ll be surprised if this manages on its own to break down anybody’s humbug wall, because it’s somewhat pointless – one could argue, probably successfully, that it’s mostly designed just to fit on that many more Christmas party playlists. I can’t think of any other reason for it; on the other hand, it’s gone straight on my Christmas party playlist.

David Guetta feat. Sia & Fetty Wap – Bang My Head

“Fetty Wap is a ridiculous name”

Tim: Last time David Guetta & Sia teamed up, we got the immortal Titanium; how will this measure up?

Tim: Well for start it’d be nice if we could bin off that ludicrously named Fetty Wap, because what we have from the other two is the duly expected excellence – fantastic vocals from Sia, brilliant production from David.

Tom: It’s okay, but excellence? Let’s face it: the vocals and the melody, while good, just aren’t on the same level as Titanium.

Tim: No, it isn’t, that’s fair. I’ve no idea what’s going on in the video, or at least what relevance gambling and futuristic horse races have to the song, but the two main things are this: first, Fetty Wap is a ridiculous name (I know I’ve said that already but it needs repeating as many times as possible) and secondly that chorus is very good indeed, but not quite good enough to knock Titanium off the top spot.

Tom: Yep. That repeated “bang your head against the wall” grates for me, but then I think that just repeating lines for a chorus is generally a poor choice.

Tim: Hmm, you’re possibly right. Regardless, Fetty Wap is an idiotic name.

Tom: I tried to disprove you by trying to find that it had some deep and meaningful origin story for him, but, er, never mind.