Saturday Reject: Santiano – The Fiddler On The Deck

“An actual shanty, without going too far”

Tim: So many good rejects, and so little time, so let’s pretend this whole week is a Saturday, shall we?

Tom: Fine by me. Do I still have to go to work?

Tim: Ermm, oh, why not, let’s all take the week off. BECAUSE IT’S ALMOST ON. But for now, let’s go to Germany, and hear what is basically a sea shanty, so have an advance warning of Dick van Dyke levels of accents.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP2-CGwO50A

Tom: They get a few marks for doing an actual shanty here without going too far towards the pirate stereotype.

Tim: I really, really like this – it’s great fun to watch, it appeals to my inner Captain Jack and it would take quite something to beat that for an example of WE MEAN BUSINESS staging.

Tom: Yep, the set design team clearly went all-out with this one. Or just hired a prop ship, one or the other. And musically, if you wanted to merge together “folk shanty” and “Eurovision”, I can’t think of a better way to do it than this.

Tim: What my mind keeps wandering back to, though, is those lyrics, as with voices like that it’s impossible not to hear them, and they’re confusing. (Lyric video here if you need it.) My initial assumption was that ‘fiddler on the deck’ was a nautical metaphor for impending doom or stuff, which would make sense given the lyrics – “he’s the one who laughs when the storm begins to roar”, “when his fiddle starts to play, better hide away, if you don’t wanna die” “he’s like a cutlass in your back/needle in yer neck”.

But no. I can’t find any reference to that, so all I can see is that they’re being literal – the actually fiddler is a right arsehole standing on the boat. Yet he’s on the deck of the boat, fiddling away, so this is basically a song saying “hello, I’m annoying.” Which is fair enough, I guess, but hardly endearing to a continent.

Tom: I just keep hearing it as a euphemism.

Tim: Oh. Oh. Ohh, really?

Saturday Reject: Alcazar – Blame It On The Disco

“My word, is this about the performance.”

Tim: Anyone who’s not seen this before may want some expectations; all I’ll say is that in the Melodifestivalen final, the British jury gave it the full 12 points and the Russian jury gave it no points whatsoever.

Tom: I think I’m going to like this one.

Tom: That is incredible. I mean, it’s not a particularly good song, but they descended in a giant disco ball, namechecked themselves in the first verse, and then basically slammed into a key change with every single chorus.

Tim: People say Eurovision’s all about the performance, and my word is this about the performance. I’m not entirely sure what ‘it’ is, aside from excessive partying, that we’re meant to be blaming on the disco, but whatever it is, if it gets this reaction then damn, I want to be doing more of it.

Tom: So many pyrotechnics.

Tim: It got a very positive reaction, coming third with both viewers and (most) juries, but let’s be honest: it’s a good thing this didn’t win. It’s a glorious song (though still not their finest), and a truly wonderful performance, but it wouldn’t have been right for a Swedish Eurovision entry. What it was perfect for, though, was a Melodifestivalen final, and it made the night very enjoyable indeed.

Tom: Agreed: this placed exactly where it should.

Tim: It was written, incidentally, by the same three people who wrote the winner, one of whom has a frankly incredible record when it comes to Melodifestivalen. Sir, I salute you.

Kalsi & Applejack feat. Tina Cousins – Screams

“MUSIC THAT SETS COMPUTERS ON FIRE. YOU MUST DANCE.”

Tim: Tina Cousins, off the late 90s, used to do dance pop, solo and working with Sash! on a couple of tracks, (and she also did Thank ABBA For The Music).

Tom: Crikey. That’s a pretty good pop CV, actually. What’ve we got?

Tim: Back then, the dance and the pop were combined nicely. Here…

Tim: It’s pop. It’s DANCE. It’s pop. It’s DANCE. DANCE. DANCE YOU BASTARDS OR YOU’LL DIE BECAUSE THIS IS HARDCORE DANCE. MUSIC THAT SETS COMPUTERS ON FIRE. YOU MUST DANCE.

Tom: I’m not sure it’s quite as two-sided as all that: rather than see it as a mash of genres, see it as a non-vocal chorus. It’s not four-on-the-floor pop, but it’s got personality to it.

Tim: Yes, I suppose you’re right. But even given that, what strikes me about it is that I can’t imagine it ever being played out – Tina’s bits are entirely unsuited to a heavy dance floor, and the dance bits are entirely unsuited to the ears of most people who like the rest.

Tom: Ooh, now that’s where I think you’re wrong. Remember all those brostep fans who were all about the DROP, and the light-and-dark contrast? This has a hell of a DROP.

Tim: It does, yes, there is that – I suppose it’s more the second group I’m thinking of, belonging to it as I do. On the other hand, I said ‘mostly’ up there – I quite like it, though, so I’ll take it.

Robin feat. Lord Est – Tilttaamaan

“An inevitably awful rap middle eight.”

Tim: You may or may not remember Robin, who’s featured on these pages a few times previously; you most likely won’t remember Lord Est, who hasn’t.

Tom: “Robin” is a bold name in a market already saturated with various Robins and Robyns. Still, let’s see what he’s got.

Tim: A warning: audibly, the middle eight is awful. Visually, it’s rather special, so stay with the video for it.

Tim: “Look! I know I’m overweight and in my mid-forties, but I can be cool! Really! Look! I’ve got sunglasses! And a leather jacket! I’m waving my hands out to kids who are street do! I say ‘street’ and everything! I’m SO COOL.”

Tom: “Lord Est”, huh? I assume he’s the Finnish Daz Sampson, with a similarly lengthy musical pedigree.

Tim: Blimey, yes. That part aside, though, I like this track. Now summer’s approaching (he writes, as it pours down with rain outside), the summer tracks seem to be out in force, and I for am happy with that. Yes, they tend to bring with them inevitably awful rap middle eights (actually, has there ever been a good one? Aside from Wannabe, obviously.), but they’re manageable.

Tom: Mmf. It’s an okay track, I guess, but I’d file it under “well produced” then actually “good”.

Tim: Possibly – the backing and his vocals are all fairly competent and largely enjoyable, and if you’re wondering the conversation in the video’s about him asking her who she was, her responding by telling him to follow her on Instagram (obvs), and then at the end her inviting him to a beach party. BEACH PARTY! FUN! YAY!

Tom: Here comes the summer.

HvH – Cause of Your Destruction

“That’s an absolutely brilliant track.”

Tim: Last week, apparently, there was a big album released with tracks from 65 artists in aid of a Swedish human rights group called Feministiskt Initiativ; we got sent this one, from new band HvH, short for Hammer Village Heights. I’d say ‘contains flashing images’, but more accurate would be ‘is a flashing image’.

Tom: That is wonderful. I have absolutely no idea why that’s hit me quite so hard, but it has: that’s an absolutely brilliant track.

Tim: It’s also incredibly downbeat, and despite it being that, I love it.

Tom: I know it’s technically ‘downbeat’, but this is a textbook example of how you can make a song uplifting, rousing, and almost spiritual without needing to go over the top.

Tim: I think it’s the almost military feeling it brings with it – that, combined with the main line of the chorus being “we will be the cause of your destruction”, the bare lyric video and the disconnected slightly robotic voice makes it an almost sinister track, and certainly one that’s keen on getting its message across. It does, however, have a great melody to it, and for me at least it all works brilliantly.

Tom: It reminds me of some of VNV Nation’s recent work — I suspect the band name helps with that — and that’s a sincere compliment. There are a hundred songs like this that I’d dismiss as “plodding” and “slow”, and somehow, I wish I knew how, they’re able to make it brilliant.

Tim: I’m not sure I’d like a whole album of this, but it’s a damn good starting point.

Röyksopp & Robyn – Do It Again

“It takes ages to get there.”

Tom: Wait, really?

Tim: Yep, and yep. Two Scandinivian GIANTS of dance music combine, to bring us this, the first single from a new duet EP.

Tom: Well, that’s exciting.

Tom: That… huh. That is exactly what I expected it to sound like. It sounds like Röyksopp, and it sounds like Robyn. I don’t why I’m underwhelmed by that, because it’s a really good track.

Tim: It is, but to be honest, it took me a while to get it – specifically, three minutes and forty four seconds. At which point it all WENT OFF and became WONDERFUL.

Tom: Right! And I know that’s Röyksopp’s shtick, the whole slow-build thing, but it takes ages to get there.

Tim: And then Annie Mac starts talking all over it, but still it’s very good.

Tom: I KNOW. GOOD GRIEF.

Tim: At the end, though, I had another listen and realised it actually got to a decent level after a couple of minutes, which is better but still sort of a problem – we all know Robyn has a lovely voice, so it’s a shame it takes so long for the production underneath to catch up and be big enough to complement it well. When it does, mind, it’s fantastic, and I can’t wait to hear the whole EP.

Ella Henderson – Ghost

‘It says quite clearly “listen to what I can do”.’

Tim: What would you say if I offered you one of the best tracks to come out a X Factor finalist in recent years?

Tom: I’d say it was probably “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction. Why, what’ve you got?

Tim: I’ve got this.

Tim: This is a great debut, in that it says quite clearly “listen to what I can do”. It demonstrates a nice variety of singing styles – a deep, rich and almost soulful voice in the verses, slightly more lightweight and haunting in the middle eight, and a gentle, more ‘standard’, if that’s the right way to describe it, voice throughout the chorus.

Tom: It’s no small feat, being able to convincingly pull off those styles. You’re right: it shows off a heck of a range.

Tim: Not only that, but the backing instrumentation also changes in style quite significantly between the verse and chorus to match those voices, which goes well, as long as you don’t find it slightly jarring which a tiny part of me does.

Tom: Yep. I didn’t expect that to have quite as much… funk.

Tim: Mainly in the “listen to what I can do”, though, is that chorus. Because what a chorus it is – one I really could listen to over and over again. And, in fact, did, on the bus home from work the other night – who’d have thought looping a YouTube video would drain a phone battery?

Saturday Reject: Oda & Wulff – Sing

“I’m not sure there’s anything I don’t like.”

Tim: Christer Wulff and Oda Kvingedal Larsen wanted to sing for Norway, and, since they presumably thought their names were too long, adapted a moniker that would be well-suited to a mad old woman and dancing dog routine on Britain’s Got Talent. This song here got them through to the final, though not the Gold Final, and I reckon it’s worth your time.

Tom: Side note: the Melodi Grand Prix graphics are rather nice and minimalist, aren’t they?

Tim: I suppose so, but mostly because here they can be – the music has absolutely everything, because isn’t it a happy happy track? The first time he starts singing that chorus melody you get taken straight in there with smile forced upon you.

Tom: Oh. Um, alas, I didn’t.

Tim: Oh. Really?

Tom: It was all a bit too much for me: there’s some weird dissonance where they don’t sound enthusiastic or sincere enough. And there’s at least one, possibly two, too many “sings” in each line of that chorus.

Tim: I’d dispute all of that, to be honest, though let’s not get distracted from the main thing: you might notice in the background the bloke standing on the platform, wondering what he’s doing there, and then come the end of the chorus you’re “Ah! That’s what it is. That’s why he has pride of place.”

Tom: Yes, to be fair, I can’t fault the trumpeter.

Tim: I’m not sure there’s anything I don’t like about this song – the only criticism I could level is that I’m not sure either of their voices is quite strong enough to carry the verses solo), but while in most songs that would be enough to kill it, here it really doesn’t matter that much, as there’s EVERYTHING ELSE.

Tom: Such as…?

Tim: The aforementioned trumpeter up on Pride Rock, the random high five for emphasis, the ‘look at us pretending we’ve already won’ confetti, the way there are spare instruments lying around that the singers pick up and play when they get bored in the middle eight – this whole song has a massive sense of fun to it, and all it’s really missing is a dancing dog.

Tom: For me? All it’s missing is heart. And I know that’s a terribly vague criticism to level, but that’s how I feel.

Tim: As is your prerogative, though it’s pretty much the opposite of what I feel.

Oscar Zia – Ballare Con Me

“All of the necessary bits for a balearic dance tune”

Tim: Let’s pretend yesterday never happened, and go back to the pleasing sounds of beachy summer summer.

Tim: I know we don’t normally go with live performances, but this one’s good and actually fairly similar to the studio version so it’s fine.

Tom: “Fine”?

Tim: Not only is it fine, in fact, it’s great. It has all of the necessary bits for a balearic dance tune, right down to the foreign in the chorus.

Tom: I was about to call you on using the word ‘foreign’, and then I realised I wasn’t immediately sure what language it was either. It does say something that most of the pop stars from non-English-speaking countries still sing at least partly in English, though.

Tim: Yes, though it’s worth remembering that Oscar is Swedish rather than anywhere Mediterranean. I’m not particularly sold on the slightly grouchy breakdown, which almost breaks the track a little bit, but that aside it’s pretty great. Oh, and since you mentioned it, it’s Italian for ‘Dancing With Me’.

Tom: Italian. Got it.

Avril Lavigne – Hello Kitty

“Absolutely bloody awful.”

Tim: Oh no. No, please don’t…

Tom: Sometimes we cover tracks because they’re good. Sometimes because they’re remarkable. And sometimes…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVHEPwS8lYc

Tom: …they’re absolutely bloody awful.

Tim: Yep. I pretty much never delete songs from my iTunes library. Here, I made an exception.

Tom: I mean, it’s like gawping at a trainwreck. The product placement.

Tim: Actually, there I’ll interrupt you – product placement based on kids toys is definitely not always a bad thing. Though admittedly it is most of the time, so do continue.

Tom: Well, that was hardly product placement: Mattel sued and lost over that. But yes: there’s more awful yet. The dubstep breakdown. The lyrics. The melody, or the lack of it. The video. Oh, the video.

Tim: Regarding the video, I think it’s the first video I’ve ever seen by a major artist to have more thumbs down than up. It doesn’t remotely surprise me. It’s utterly horrific.

Tom: Bieber managed it, but that was riding on a wave of dislike for him rather than his music. This… it’s terrible.

Tim: Just terrible.