Pitbull feat. Danny Mercer – Outta Nowhere

“The only thing wrong with the track is the man himself.”

Tom: There are rappers who write lyrics that could change the world; there are rappers who burn with energy; there are rappers whose flow is so tight you can barely track what they’re saying as they blaze through lines at a hundred words a minute.

Tim: There are.

Tom: Then there’s Pitbull.

Tim: You know, you keep implying you don’t much like Pitbull, but thanks to all the tracks you’ve brought to the table he’s now our joint-second most featured artist, tied with One Direction and behind only Eric Saade. I hope you’re happy with that.

Tom: The thing is, the hooks are frequently brilliant, the production’s always excellent, and generally the only thing wrong with the track is the man himself. He is, if nothing else, a rich vein of interesting things to write about.

Tim: That, I don’t think anyone will dispute. So let’s see what we can write about here.

Tom: But does he ever actually say anything? There are words, sure, and they’re in some sort of order, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything other than vague platitudes from him.

Tim: I noticed him trying to rhyme “player” with “Fred Astaire”. Not entirely sure he pulled that off.

Tom: And there are, what, two unhurried verses in the whole track, surrounded by a hook that’s just begging to be more than a chorus.

Tim: The slowness of them really does grate. Get some actual talent, push them up to twice the pace and we might have a song worth listening to. As it is…

Tom: They got the credits the wrong way round for this one: get Danny Mercer to sing some verses, have Pitbull in as a crowd-grabbing hook, and you might have a decent track here. As it is: it just seems lazy.

Tim: I’m not quite sure about that – sung verses would be nice, but keep the chorus as well. Basically just ditch Pitbull altogether.

Saturday Flashback: Kristina – Viem Lebo Viem

Let’s head to Slovakia!

Tom: An anonymous reader dropped a whole load of Slovakian songs into our suggestion box last week, and this was the standout, for me at least. Let’s head to Slovakia!

Tim: Skvelý!

Tom: And isn’t that nice?

Tim: That right there is someone who know hows to use an unexpected dance beat, and knows it very well.

Tom: It starts by summing up the last few lazy days of summer, complete with happy lyrics and harmonica, and then somehow turns it into a dance track that could have come out of the good parts of the nineties.

Tim: Oddly, both parts of this are great – the first acoustic bit never really puts a foot wrong, and the dance section could easily have been stretched out to be a big summer beach party track. Combined…

Tom: “Viem lebo viem” translates as “I know because I know”, and even an automated translation of the lyrics provides a rather poetic phrase: “I can read you perfectly, you’re ‘momentary’ / What you’re looking for is just few moments of fun”

Tim: Well how right it is that’s she’s provided a few moments of fun. Poďme tancovať!

Geri Halliwell – Half of Me

“She’s one of the panel on Australia’s Got Talent. Which, given this single, is a bit ironic.”

Tom: She’s one of the panel on Australia’s Got Talent. Which, given this single, is a bit ironic.

Tim: Hahaha – the ‘Desire’ hitmaker strikes again.

Tom: Popjustice described this as “cosmically awful”, which may have tainted my judgement slightly. It’s not a good way to premiere it, either: why on the Footy Show? And who on earth put together the sound production?

Tim: I don’t know – the production doesn’t sound too awful. The expression of the guy on the left before they start dancing in interesting, though.

Tom: More to the point: it’s rare that I can call a track too damn stupid, but – that chorus is just inane. And it never changes. It goes nowhere. The song is three minutes of “meh”, with melodies that would have been considered bland in the worst parts of the 1990s.

Tim: Hmm. I actually failed to notice that there was a second verse in there the first time I heard it – not sure who that comes off worst on. The trumpets are quite nice though. But, again, repetitive.

Tom: Mind you, it’ll probably reach the charts. At least in Australia.

Tim: Possibly, though perhaps not if the part when they ask the stadium of four thousand people what they thought of it and about twenty people cheered is anything to go by.

Rihanna – Pour It Up

“About as not-safe-for-work as you can get before actually just being porn.”

Tom: This video is about as not-safe-for-work as you can get before actually just being porn. Consider yourself warned.

Tim: Oh good lord.

Tom: And you know what? That’s about all I can say for it. That’s not a pop song. That’s not even really a song. It’s a track, I guess? It’s not new, it’s off the album, so it’s not a surprise — but it seems more an excuse to go all-out on the “racy video” front without backing it with decent music.

Tim: That’s exactly the thought I had – as though someone thought “hang on – people are doing porn in music videos at the moment and we need to get in on that. Let’s see, erm, yeah, this is album track’ll that’ll probably work.” As one commenter put it, “I’ve watched actual pornos with better music than this.”

Tom: That said: full marks for the racy video. And for making a bikini out of electroluminescent wire. But mostly for the video.

Tim: Hmm. I’m still not sure about the whole raciness in music videos – don’t really see the point to them, as it’s not as if they had trouble getting views beforehand. But still, it seems to make you happy, so what do I know?

Cher – Woman’s World

“Can be summed up in three words.”

Tom: It’s impossible to write a review about Cher without at least touching on the subject of her age. So let’s get it out the way: she’s 67, she’s got a new album twelve years after the last one, and she looks good.

And now: the lead single, which can be summed up in three words:

Tim: “Bloody weird hair”?

Tom: It’s no “Believe”.

Tim: Oh, yes. That too.

Tom: But then, that was always going to be the case: that Big Song of hers got a Grammy Award and became one of the best-selling singles of all time. Just based on regression to the mean, it ain’t going to be that good.

So let’s try to set those expectations aside: is this actually any good if examined on its own? Well, it’s a good club track, she can clearly still sing, and the message is enough to get a crowd jumping.

Tim: Yes, I think it’s pretty good. Though I do have one problem: the regularly repeated “I’m stronger, strong enough to” bit, which, every single time, makes me want to listen to Kelly Clarkson instead. Because let’s face it that’s a much better track.

Tom: But like so many tracks, there doesn’t seem to be much there: the chorus has been drilled into my head, sure, but I don’t think I like it being in there. It’s, what, one or two notes?

Tim: Well let’s all have a decent chorus then. WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER. STAND A LITTLE TALLER.

Tom: I suspect that this won’t trouble the Top 10. I also expect Cher won’t be at all troubled by that.

Tim: Probably not. And if I’m honest, neither will I.

Jessica Agombar – Double

A quick “that’s what she said” is most definitely in order.

Tim: A self-described ‘cockney songbird’, here, and quite a nice lyric video.

Tom: There are going to be so many glottal stops, aren’t there?

Tim: Actually no, but a quick heads-up: from now on, my side of this will focus almost entirely on the ambiguous meaning of the main chorus line.

Tim: Well, I think a quick “that’s what she said” is most definitely in order.

Tom: If only the song were as quick. If you’re going to base your whole chorus on one pair of lines, then you’d better make sure they’re bloody amazing. Which, let’s be honest, they’re not. Even the gorgeous animation in the lyric video couldn’t keep my interest. “Come on the double”. Hurr.

Tim: But on the double what? That’s the real question. Double cheeseburger? Double bed? Double entendre, which is probably the most appropriate even if it is just a linguistic construct rather than a physical object. I’m going to go with ‘double cream’ just to keep the vibe going.

Tom: Messy.

Tim: But enough nonsense. I actually think this song’s alright, albeit occasionally slightly dull. I’d say it could be improved by putting a quick ‘here’ in the chorus line before ‘on’, but then I wouldn’t be able to make childish sniggering noises while listening to it so it’s actually fine as it is.

Robin feat. Mikael Gabriel & Uniikki – Boom Kah

That rap middle eight is awful.

Tim: Cast your mind back to the beginning of last year, you might remember this kid singing a not particularly bad song about skateboarding. Fifteen per cent of his life later, he’s back with a freshly broken voice and ready to show off more of his after-school activities.

Tom: Has he done a Miley Cyrus? He’s a bit too young to have done a Miley Cyrus, surely?

Tom: Nope. He’s done a Bieber.

Tim: There are a lot of things I like about this: the chorus, the instrumental post-chorus, the verses, even the video to some extent. I specifically don’t like the rap middle eight (which now I think about it seems to be slightly going out of fashion, which is nice).

Tom: That rap middle eight is awful. It’s like the Blackout Crew suddenly burst in.

Tim: Mostly, though, I’m just not sure about the titular BOOM KAH – it works well enough as a HERE’S THE CHORUS bit, but at other times, especially towards the end, it just seems to get in the way a bit. Obviously it needs to be there, as otherwise we wouldn’t know about the martial art lessons his parents have been paying for, but does it need to be quite so intrusive?

Tom: I don’t know, I reckon it works; it gets away with having that shout-along quality without seeming too cheesy.

Tim: You’re probably right. Finally of note, though, are the lyrics: as previously, we’ve not yet got to the romance so this is all about having fun (“Where will we go, what will be be today? BOOM KAH, BOOM BOOM KAH”), and even the rappers are joining in, encouraging him to be Batman, tracking gangs and building a hide-out.

Tom: Wait, what? Are you making that up, or is that an actual translation?

Tim: Really wish I was joking there, but no. Their last line is “Don’t worry about tomorrow, it’s important that today is cool.” Which I suppose is true.

Saturday Flashback: Dina Garipova – What If

I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE OF HAPPINESS.

Tim: This, Jenny Red, is how you do a proper key change.

Tim: When those wristbands turned out throughout the arena, I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE OF HAPPINESS.

Tom: Ah, what more can I say? It’s textbook Eurovision heavy ballad. It actually did better than I thought it would: fifth is pretty damn respectful.

Tim: This was originally my fourth favourite of this year’s Eurovision, though with repeated listenings it’s actually crept up to joint first, with Iceland’s Ég á Lif (currently my favourite ‘shout out loud in the shower’ song).

Tom: I feel a little bit sorry for your neighbours.

Tim: It’s a great track – it’s joyous, it’s uplifting, it’s remarkably different from what’s actually going on in Russia at the moment, and it’s just wonderful.

Tom: And that outro. That is an old-school, glorious outro.

Tim: This key change just makes it that much better.

Jenny Red – Star In The Night

“By the numbers, I assume?” “Keep listening.”

Tim: You’ll push play, you’ll hear a nice gentle schlager track.

Tom: Just over three minutes. Keyboards and dark synths. Calm, accented English. By the numbers, I assume?

Tim: Keep listening.

Tim: So, Eurovision ballad verses, choruses which occasionally hit Nightwish levels…

Tom: You know, Nightwish were exactly what came to mind, and it’s mainly because of that guitar sound. I don’t think it’s actually anywhere near their level, but it’s certainly trying.

Tim: …and no damn key change.

Tom: …er, yes there is. Compare the final chorus with the one before, it’s shifted up an entire register.

Tim: Oh. Yes, you’re right. Erm…

Tom: Care to rephrase…?

Tim: Okay, so seemingly I didn’t really notice it, which as far as I’m concerned means it didn’t happen properly. Because at 2:32 I had an idea of exactly what was going to happen: in true The Girl style, we’d have “follow your dreams and get into the light. FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND GET INTO THE LIGHT”, which would have been incredible. Except it didn’t happen, and it sounded a bit disappointing.

On the other hand, as I’ve already said, the rest is really, really good. So it’s not so bad. BUT I WANT THAT AMAZING KEY CHANGE.

Cars & Calories – Runner Up

If this doesn’t lift you out of your ‘funk’ I don’t know what will.

Tim: Monday was a sort of rock/electropop blend that you weren’t keen on, despite that chorus. This from a new Norwegian group is similar, but more so, and if this doesn’t lift you out of your ‘funk’ I don’t know what will.

Tom: Oh, that’ll do nicely.

Tim: The duo apparently grew up on rock and punk music, and now want to do their own variant and, according to one interview, ‘expand the horizons of commercial pop music’, which I think is an entirely noble quest, because this is just wonderful.

Tom: I was all ready to be disappointed in it until that wall of sound hit — possibly needs a bit less compression on it, but hell, I’m not going to complain.

Tim: Lovely intro, Donkeyboy-esque vocals, good verses building up to that blinder of a chorus.

Tom: Let’s not forget that middle eight: he’s got the vocal skills to make it work unaccompanied. That’s not to be sniffed at either.

Tim: Oh, absolutely. Lyrics are good as well: they’re of the “are you sure he’s just your friend?” variety, but in a nice way that doesn’t get angry about it, but just keeps singing instead with more a sense of desperation and giving up. Not exactly alpha male stuff, but then again if you’ve got that chorus and everything else going for you you shouldn’t need to be begging. She’s a fool.