B*Witched – Love And Money

There’s none of the playfulness.

Tom: B*Witched? You’re kidding me.

Tim: Absolutely not – obviously, you don’t take part in a big reunion TV show and go on its accompanying tour just to say goodbye again afterwards, so let’s have some proper new music, shall we?

Tim: And it is…entirely generic. It’s very good generic, mind – mild opening verse building into a hefty two-part chorus, good use of screaming for the title and a sensible break for the middle eight – but there’s none of the playfulness that has become regarded, for better or worse, as their trademark.

Tom: They were always seen as a bit of a novelty act for that reason. When “Some people say I look like me dad” is the rallying call for a retro-enthusiastic cheer on a cheesy dance floor, then I can understand them wanting to be a bit more respectable.

Tim: This could easily be by, say, Demi Lovato, or P!nk (especially with the bit in the chorus lifted from Blow Me (One Last Kiss)).

Tom: Yep, there’s even the cheering-sound-effect afterwards. But that said, “this could be by Demi Lovato” is a pretty good compliment.

Tim: It is – it’s very high praise indeed, but it’s still slightly disappointing for a B*Witched song. Great track, but with bad reasons for being so.

Tom: It’s not the Irish flutes and cheesy pop that some fans will have been hoping for… but then, it’s not the nineties any more.

Biffy Clyro – Biblical

“And you thought The Proclaimers sounded Scottish…”

Tim: And you thought The Proclaimers sounded Scottish…

Tom: Someone singing in their natural accent. That’s actually lovely. As indeed, is the entire track: that chorus is just glorious: the fact that the vocals and drums form a complex polyrhythm rather than your normal pop music four-on-the-floor is brilliant.

Tim: As far as I’m concerned, these guys’ tracks veer between “what a racket” and “utterly lovely”; I reckon this falls about eighty per cent of the way towards the latter. The lyrics don’t make that much sense (because however much you want to you can’t go back to the start, because that’s not how time works).

Tom: Oh come on. Really? You’re bitching about pop lyrics not making sense? It’s even an “if you want to”. I don’t hear you complaining the Aqua can’t Turn Back Time, or that Lene from Aqua isn’t actually a Barbie Girl, or that Aqua aren’t actually cartoon heroes.

Tim: See, once at Aqua’s Turn Back Time, most people would have continued the theme and moved to, I don’t know, Cher. But not us! Oh no.

Tom: I’m not sure quite why I went so Aqua-focused there.

Tim: It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The video here doesn’t really do much except convey the message “don’t owe money to a drug dealer”.

Tom: Which is a good message, to be fair.

Tim: The tune, the singing, the rhythm, and everything else about it, though, is just lovely. Favourite bit? Well, the chorus is lovely in itself, but I reckon I’d go for the closing bit, the instrumental and then the repeating “baby how can you walk away”, which I think is just great. Much like everything, really. Magical, wonderful, whatever. Though actually, what does “make this biblical” mean?

Tom: Okay, I’ll grant you, that bit doesn’t actually make any sense. It’s great, though.

Neo & Al Bano Carrisi – Swan Song (Non Lasciarmi Mai)

“It just started to fly”

Tim: This is the closing track off his (still brilliant) 2011 album, Reborn, sort of – it’s been re-recorded with some bits made Italian.

Tom: Quick warning: it’s an irritating generic fan-made stock-photo-video, so you might want to load this in a background tab and just listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5oMeqWBnRo

Tim: Quite something, isn’t it?

Tom: I wouldn’t have agreed with you until that chorus hit – and then it just, well, started to fly. Which is good for something called “Swan Song”, I suppose.

Tim: The original album version was big enough with the sweeping orchestration and just his voice, but the Italian operatic singing added on top makes for a (let’s face it) ridiculous pop song, with lyrics about angels flying by, and I think it’s brilliant.

Tom: It’s a hands-in-the-air track that, frankly, wouldn’t be out of place in the middle of the Eurovision table. That’s a compliment, by the way.

Tim: The only disappointing bit about it that it’s now that much harder to yell along stupidly to the chorus, but I’m happy to make that sacrifice, just about – the original is, after all, still there, but we now have this as well, and it many things to sell it by itself. Erm, bit muddled there, but good. Yes.

Aron Scott feat Glorious Inc – Cut The Cord

POUNDING and PUMPING and GOING OFF.

Tim: You complained last week that Armin van Buuren didn’t give you, I think it was, “a BANGING CHOON.” This, I think, might fill some of the gap.

Tom: Yes it does. But it took a while to get there.

Tim: Fair enough – it doesn’t get off to a fantastic start. In particular, there’s something about the lone “cut the cord” line that sounds a tad off to me, but I’m not quite sure why.

Tom: I’m not a music theorist, but I think it’s the harmony being slightly “off” – deliberately – which means it sounds unsettling rather than your typical upbeat pop music. I don’t reckon it works.

Tim: Me neither, but as for the rest of it, though, once it gets going at the forty second mark then it really keeps going. During the breakdown thirty seconds later, it’s POUNDING and PUMPING and GOING OFF.

Tom: …got something on your mind, Tim?

Tim: Not really – just general loneliness, I suppose. Why, does it show?

The “competition, exhibition, inhibition, opposition, etcition” is, to me, not particularly great, but it certainly keeps the pace up until the main dance section comes back for a triumphant close to the song. So, requirements met?

Tom: It’ll put me through, but I’m still hunting for a Big Summer Track. This ain’t quite it.

Saturday Reject: Army of Lovers – Rockin’ The Ride

The most hyped song in this year’s Melodifestivalen.

Tim: This was, by quite a distance, the most hyped song in this year’s Melodifestivalen.

Tom: Man, ‘most hyped song’ is never a good place to be.

Tim: No. Some of it was inevitable – Army of Lovers haven’t performed or released any proper stuff for almost twenty years – but some they brought upon themselves, by promising it to be “Gangnam Style on crack.”

Tom: What – horse riding with more paranoia and jitters? Anyway, how’d this hyped-up AMAZING CHOON do?

Tim: First round knock-out.

Tom: What the hell was that?

Tim: You’ll no doubt recognise Alexander Bard —

Tom: More like Alexander Beard.

Tim: HAHAHAHAHA FUNNY! — previously of BWO and more recently of Gravitonas, as his image isn’t an easy one to forget. Much like this performance. The dancers in tight swimwear, weird headgear, her on the throne spouting incredible nonsense, and just all the other…things.

Tom: That’s the right word to use. Nothing really tied them together; there was no rhyme or reason there. They were just things.

Tim: Yes, and whether or not they lived up to the expectation, that was just the performance.

The song, sadly, just wasn’t all that. It’s not bad, but I get the feeling they were focusing more on putting out a crazy performance than singing a great song – trying to get watercooler folks saying “DID YOU SEE THAT?” rather than the more usual “DID YOU HEAR THAT?” that might be reserved for, say, Malena Ernman.

Tom: And they may well have achieved that – but it won’t be enough to win a song contest.

Tim: No. But could it have been at least enough to get them through to Andra Chansen? Perhaps, but there seems to be not much room this year for crazy stuff. I guess this just isn’t 2006 any more.

The Wanted – Walks Like Rihanna

It’s The Wanted’s best single yet! And the most lyrically awkward!

Tim: It’s The Wanted’s best single yet! And the most lyrically awkward!

Tom: So what, was “Moves like Rihanna” a bit too close to Maroon 5?

Tim: Musically, this is fantastic, and I genuinely think it has the potential to be the boyband track of the year.

Tom: Agreed.

Tim: Before we even get to the chorus, we’ve got decent verses that aren’t just filler and good fulfilling instrumentation. And then the chorus and post chorus, which is a fantastic hook, repetitive and memorable in a very good way.

Tom: Yep. There’s a reason that Simon Cowell called his reality show “The X Factor” – that indescribable something is very much in this track.

Tim: Lyrically, though, oh dear me. “She can’t sing, she can’t dance, but who cares? She walks like Rihanna.” My god, what a terrible, terrible chorus line that is.

Tom: And let’s be honest, “she’s the freakiest thing” in the first verse isn’t the greatest compliment in the world — but really, does Rihanna really walk in some special way?

Tim: I don’t think so, no, but there’s an alternative that came to me. Imagine, if you will, you’re a media company exec, and a songwriter has pitched you a track. It’s brilliant, and it’s very, very similar to this one. Except, unfortunately, it contains a really rather naughty word in the chorus.

Tom: Oh. Ohhhh. Right.

Tim: And that word gives you an image you’d rather not play out across your family-friendly radio station five times a day. So you want to change that word – not too much, as that might ruin the song a bit. So keep, say, the last couple of letters. The ‘ks’. Hey! “Walks”! That fits. That’ll do nicely. You’ve got a great track; even if the chorus words make no sense, the rest is still brilliant.

Tom: That fits far too well.

Tim: Now, OBVIOUSLY, I’m not saying that’s what happened – it may not even be remotely likely. But just imagine what that original line may have sounded like. And now enjoy hearing that every time you hear this song. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Armin van Buuren feat. Trevor Guthrie – This Is What It Feels Like

“I’m looking for a BANGING CHOON.”

Tom: He’s gone all commercial.

Tom: Okay, let’s get the video out of the way first: I must be getting old, because I was more interested in the Airstream trailer and Googie architecture than I was about the blatant pandering to teenage boys. Also, Armin van Buuren looks a bit he’s a Dutch version of Pat Sharp.

Tim: There, I must agree with you. You’re getting old.

Tom: This is the first single off the just-released new album, which is called “Intense”. Ironically, that’s something you can’t call this track: it’s no more intense trance than anything else in the pop charts. I know the lead single has to be mainstream, but blimey: this is taking it a bit far.

Tim: Really? What were you looking for?

Tom: From the first single of an Armin van Buuren album, in the lead-up to summer? I’m looking for a BANGING CHOON.

Tim: Well, alright, it’s not hugely intense, but it’s a perfectly good dance track. Nothing all that special, but following Chicane & Ferry Corsten, and Rivaz, that would take quite a bit. Really, what were you looking for?

Tom: A CHOON. Still, that’s what remixes are for, I suppose: and this’ll still get a cheer when he plays it on some vacation island this summer.

Swiss Lips – U Got The Power

“A vague impression of oversized trousers and neon colours.”

Tom: A video entirely made of 80s breakdance movie clips. It’s not bad, but it could distract from the track a bit.

Tom: It distracted me enough that, at the end of my first listen, I couldn’t think of much to say about the song. I couldn’t even remember it; I just got a vague impression of oversized trousers and neon colours.

Tim: It is distracting, you’re right, but not as distracting as what is really, really meant to follow that very first line. “If you’ve got the power, I’ve got the feeling” ah, we’re getting down tonight. One if you’re gonna, two if you wanna…just me?

Tom: Oh, blimey. No. Not just you. Not any more. That’s the song completely ruined, then – in that I can only hear the other, better track over the top of it.

Tim: YOU’RE WELCOME.

Tom: So anyway: listen number two. Just the audio this time. And… hmm. Well, it’s generic synthpop, and I’m still struggling to say anything about it.

Tim: Well, I’ll say that everything’s alright.

Tom: The chorus is good, I suppose? It seems to be about three and a half minutes of a moderately good track that goes in one ear and out of the other.

Tim: The chorus, yes, that’s not bad. Not hugely inspiring, not particularly novel, but not the most memorable part of the song either.

Tom: Am I being unfair here? There’s nothing actually wrong with it, I just find that it slips my brain straight away.

Tim: FIVE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALRIGHT.

Satin Circus – EMMA

“If you set out to make something sound like One Direction…”

Tim: Satin Circus is Finland’s latest boyband, and this is their debut single. Actually, they’re totally not a generic boyband because they write their own stuff and play instruments so THEY’RE AUTHENTIC, OKAY? THEY’RE NOT ONE DIRECTION.

Their music is a “unique mix of pop, rock and Beach Boys harmonies,” which means that the backing line to this definitely absolutely won’t sound very similar to that of What Makes You Beautiful.

Tom: And the chorus won’t sound anything like “Live Like We’re Young”, presumably?

Tim: Absolutely not. But I suppose, yes, it’s not really the same but it is vastly similar enough to make you think, “Actually, this’d be a really good One Direction track.”

Tom: It would. If you set out to make something sound like One Direction, but not so close as to get sued… well, you’d end up with something like this.

Tim: In a sense, I feel sorry for these guys, because it seems that any music group consisting of four or five sub-25 guys who are vaguely photogenic making pop music automatically get lumped as a boyband, with all the negative stereotypes that includes.

Tom: But if you’re going to set the opening shot of your video – of some vaguely photogenic sub-25 guys with floppy hair – on an American beach, and film it in highly-saturated colour… well, it makes the comparison a bit easier. Even if they didn’t set out to be One Direction… their management has certainly got dollar signs (or, rather, euro signs) in their eyes.

Tim: On the other hand, the only people who really associate boybands with negative stereotypes are people who know for certain that all pop music is bad, so they don’t really deserve to be listened to, so if any band does care what those type of people think then they don’t deserve to be felt sorry for. And I’m fairly sure that sentence made sense, and there was semi-serious point at the beginning of that, I think.

Tom: Well done, Tim.

Tim: Anyway, whoever’s written this*, it’s good standard boyband pop music (albeit a tad derivative, and certainly not unique), the album will probably be worth at least a couple of listens, and finally it’s worth noting that it’s fortunate for the chorus that EMMA isn’t actually called ELIZABETH.

* There’s actually a sensible discussion to be had regarding whether writing your own stuff is good, bad or not remotely important, to which my first line is generally, “You don’t expect actors to write their own films.”

Eric Saade – Coming Home

“The first verse of this sounds like something the Backstreet Boys might have released.”

Tim: First single from his fourth album. Previously we’ve had full on pop and vaguely urban dance stuff. Now, though, it seems guitar music is coming back. Who’d have thought it?

Tom: Move on, Tim.

Tim: Never.

Tom: Mind you, the first verse of this sounds like something the Backstreet Boys might have released, so perhaps it’s appropriate to go back to old material.

Tim: Let’s get straight down to business: this is a pretty good track, but, as far as I’m concerned, it has a flaw, which we’ll get to in a sec. We’ll first give a brief nod to the verses, which is all they really deserve, but now come to the chorus.

Tom: It’s a pretty good chorus. What’s up with it?

Tim: The first half – the good, descending “I’ve been on the road…” bit – is excellent. It’s catchy, it’s quick, it’s upbeat, and it would be a great hook to carry the song.

Tom: Agreed. But it can’t?

Tim: No, because apparently the main focus of the song is in fact the less infectious, slower, and in comparison really rather dull, “I’m coooming hoome,” and for me, that’s just not enough to carry the song.

Tom: Hmm. You’re right – and that’s obvious from the fact that the bridge, coming back from that middle eight, is “I’m on the road” and not “coming home”. It’s got plenty of good hooks – and none of them are the “important bit” of the song. Bit of an overreaction to write it off for that, surely?

Tim: Oh, I’m not writing it off at all – it’s a good song, but it’s just let down unfairly by the fact that what’s meant to be the best part of it is fact one of the weakest parts. HOW DISAPPOINTING.