Tooji – If It Wasn’t For You

How can a song with whistling, about mothers, be a dirge? (With bonus verge into fan fiction!)

Tim: Last seen saving Britain from being in last place in Baku with the poorly-received Stay, Tooji has decided to leave behind the dodgy vocals and bass-heavy dance for a nice sweet song about someone he loves very much. To be more specific: his mummy. Aww.

Tom: Oh dear.

Tim: A cruel part of me wants to imagine a link between the previous song and this, along the lines of “I know you didn’t approve of me going off to Azerbaijan with all that D&B and stuff, but now the entire country hates me so can you please forgive me and let me live with you until the insurance pays out after my house got bombed? I’ve written a song to show you how much I care for you.”

Tom: That is cruel, but my word, this song makes me agree with it. It’s… a dirge. How can a song with whistling, about mothers, be a dirge? But it is.

Tim: The main part of me, though, is fairly sure that this isn’t the case and that in actual fact he’s trying to redeem himself by showing the public what a lovely person he is, because how can you be mad at someone who loves their mummy so much?

Tom: Turns out it’s easy, if they put out a song like this.

Tim: Whatever the motivations (there is of course the possibility that it’s a song of genuine filial love) it’s a good track given the subject, what with the nice cross between the ballad you need to get the message over and the dance beats to satisfy what fans you still have left, managing to make neither sound out of place.

Tom: There’s no dance beats in here! You could perhaps hold a funeral march to it, and perhaps the dubstep fans could somehow make their slow-rhythmic movements to it, but that’s about it.

Tim: There aren’t many, but I reckon that chorus just about qualifies as dance-y. Though now you mention it, it wouldn’t seem too out of place at a funeral. Even so, I reckon with this he can get Norwegians back on board.

Tom: I reckon with this, Norway’ll disown him.

Tim: Hmm. Quite harsh. Before we finish, I should point out, somewhat belatedly, that I have no idea whatsoever what the Norwegian reaction to his placement was – for all I know they never stopped loving him. But still, we can imagine.

Tom: I’m imagining him being run out of town on ice skates.

Tim: All the way down to the frozen lake where mummy’s got a small cottage.

Tom: This is verging into fan fiction now.

Tim: And then she’s baking him a cake to welcome him back, and you’re right, this has gone far too far. Let’s STOP IT HERE.

Alyssa Reid – The Game

Tim: You may recall we reviewed previous hit Alone Again, and you mentioned that it was good but mostly carried by the original track that it borrowed from. Well (as was briefly mentioned back then), the follow-up single is now getting a release over here, and it, in turn, uses elements from that track. Because, well, why not?

Tom: I quite like that idea. I’m sure some artist will have done it as a concept album, though, and “releasing a series of linked singles” sounds like the kind of thing that’d show up on a never-going-to-be-funded Kickstarter project.

Tim: Yes, as a sort of musical set of Russian dolls. To be honest, I hope she doesn’t because frankly this is a bit dull. Here, I agree with what you said last time, about the bit from the last song saving this, because it’s only by remembering Alone Again that I actually think that this is any good – the chorus is a bit dull, and to be honest there’s nothing that would stand out as a recognisable element if she did sample this.

Tom: That’s true. I don’t dislike it, but it’s the kind of track where, if it came on in the middle of a DJ set, I’d probably take that moment to leave the floor and grab a drink.

Tim: I’d much rather have a properly new track, and a properly new track that’s good, and enjoyable, because as yet there’s nothing from actual Alyssa that’s much good.

Saturday Flashback: DJ Antoine – Ma Cherie

Properly French. It’s got an accordion and everything.

Tim: Finally from France, this one from last summer is properly French. Really – it’s got an accordion and everything.

Tim: Well, I say properly French, the lyrics are mostly English but still. ACCORDION.

Tom: Disco accordion! Easily overused outside the genre of Serbian turbo-folk, but it works here.

Tim: Anyway, I’m writing about it now I’m back and it’s actually not as good as I remember. But that video’s quite fun to watch, so there is at least that. I don’t blame him for giving up on that party after the third time, personally, especially since he could quite easily go back ten minutes rather than the full two hours back to the shop.

Tom: Frankly, if you’ve got that kind of time-resetting power and you’re using it for something as simple as that, you haven’t got nearly enough imagination. I was rather hoping that, in the last loop, the bottle would point at one of the men on the table and “COMPATIBILITY: PERFECT” would show up, but never mind.

Tim: HANG ON. Who the hell goes to a party in a club and takes a bottle of vodka with them? House party, sure, but a club? Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I should be happy that it’s not just a three minute advert for a particular brand of vo—OH WAIT IT IS. Sod this, I’m off.

Tom: There’s something rare: Tim getting angry about product placement before I’ve even had a chance to measure it.

Tim: No, I generally don’t like it, but sometimes without it true works of art just wouldn’t exist.

Tom: I know what that link is, and I’m not clicking it.

Tim: Oh, COME ON. They are AS ONE with the COUNTRYSIDE. They ride on SHINY TRACTORS. And they have HAPPY FRIESIANS.

Tom: GET OUT.

Simple Plan feat. Sean Paul – Summer Paradise

Everything about this is a Standard Summer Song

Tim: A bit Frencher than yesterday, in that they’re a French Canadian band, and they’ve done two versions – a French and an English one. The English one has the video, and the French one may cause occasional linguistic confusion.

Tom: I automatically started singing Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” along with the verse of this. The timing, instrumentation and chords are similar enough that it works startlingly well.

Tim: Ooh, you’re right, it does and all. The idea behind the translation seems to have been “translate as much as possible, unless it doesn’t scan and/or rhyme, in which case let’s not bother.” People who take things too seriously, or school French teachers, may take issue with this, but I couldn’t care less because either way it’s a fantastic summer tune.

Tom: Yep. Everything about this is a Standard Summer Song, and I mean that in a good way.

Tim: Sean Paul’s a bit of a pain, especially once you know that he wasn’t on the album cut but was added to the single release due to being significantly better known outside Canada than K’naan (Coca-Cola songs aside), but it seems that if you want a good summer beach track, you need a rapper with an annoying voice who shouts his name at the start of the song.

Tom: I’m standing by my mantra here: “it could have been worse; it could have been Pitbull”.

Tim: Him aside, there’s not much I don’t like. The ending’s not hugely exciting (though again, the album version improves it; no idea why they changed it for this), but it’s brilliantly cheerful, the French bits give it a summer holiday vibe, and anyone who doesn’t like it can go and hide until October.

Julian Perretta – Generation X

“Greek Late-90s Eurovision Entry”.

Tim: You may remember that around this time last year I went to France —

Tom: “WTF” for short.

Tim: — and came back with three tracks for us to listen to. Believe it or not, the same thing has happened this year, and we’ll discuss them ordered by the amount Frenchness involved in each one. This is not remotely French (though there are lots of countries involved: he was born in London to Italian and Irish parents but now lives in Florida), but France and Belgium (or FAB) are for some reason the only two countries he’s had much success in. I blame Radio 1. (Oh, and I should warn you this is a terrible lyric video, so you’re best off not watching it.)

Tim: When the chorus kicked in, an entire phrase popped into my head: “Greek Late-90s Eurovision Entry”. It’s even three minutes long. And there’s no way that someone would seriously write chorus lyrics that include “kids are getting down” after 2000 or so, right?

Tom: You’d think not, but apparently they do.

Tim: And I heard it just once on the radio, and that ‘X, X, X X, X oh-ey-oh’ has been going round in my head several times a day ever since. I call it catchy; others may prefer ‘annoying’, but they’re wrong, because it’s good. If I was being pedantic I’d dock him points for not realising that he’s about ten years too young to belong to said generation, but since X has a better sound here than Y would, I’ll let it pass.

Tom: This works well with my written-in-the-late-90s theory.

Tim: Hmm. Maybe it’s a whole perspective thing, that no-one’s really meant to get because it’s ART. That would also explain the pointlessness of the lyrics, which are about as meaningless as they come, unless you can work out what’s wrong with everybody looking up. This is suddenly coming across as very negative, so I’ll stop before I go any further and say: this song’s great, lyrics excepted.

Tom: Yep, I can’t deny that. It wouldn’t have won Eurovision, but it’d have probably got 12 points from someone.

Tim: Absolutely: the chorus has a fantastic start to it and doesn’t let up, the middle eight has a proper building sense, as they should, and the ending is, well actually it’s a bit dull but let’s pretend I didn’t write that. I LIKE THIS SONG A LOT.

Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen – Good Time

Truly appalling lyrics.

Tom: Brace yourself, Tim; some truly appalling lyrics are coming.

Tim: Woohoo!

Tim: Why would you plan to wake up at twilight? That’s just silly – you’d miss the whole day, and you’d have trouble getting to sleep when you actually go to bed. What a nonsense.

Tom: Our resident Radio Insider sent me this, and straight away I was skeptical. Two irritating-but-catchy artists team up: and by their powers combined, they’re… they’re even more irritating-but-catchy.

Tim: Catchy, definitely. Irritating, slightly, but the fact that the catchy bit is “it’s always a good time” almost forces you not to be too irritated by it.

Tom: I want an instrumental of this: that chorus sounds absolutely amazing, apart from the lyrics. That verse sounds great, apart from the lyrics. The middle eight is… well, even that’s pretty good, apart from the lyrics. I caught myself tapping my foot on the first listen through.

Tim: With you, mostly, but I’d happily keep the lyrics from the chorus – woah-oh-oh-oh onwards – because it’s a happy thought and does prevent the irritation from spreading.

Tom: It’s no Call Me Maybe, but… well, if it isn’t a summer hit, at least in the US, I’ll be very surprised.

Tone Damli feat. Eric Saade – Imagine

A good amount of flesh, lots of heavy petting and a church bell that’s three hours early.

Tim: I present a video with a good amount of flesh, lots of heavy petting and a church bell that’s three hours early.

Tom: I approve of precisely TWO of those things.

Tom: From the first vocals, I thought “this is going to be good”. And I was right.

Tim: Indeed you were. I like this a lot (and not just because of the flesh and heavy petting, though I won’t deny that does add a bit). One thing I really like is that it’s very much not generic, for a duet at least – when you get two people singing to each other about how lovey-dovey they are, more often than not you end up with some piano/strings ballad rather than a beat-heavy dance number like this.

Tom: Although it’s more “I’d rather be with you”, which is an odd lyric indeed when they’re actually singing it at each other. Have they considered actually getting together? They’re putting music ahead of pragmatism, really.

Tim: Yes, but when the music’s like this can you blame them? Besides, she’s theoretically still engaged, even if it does look like she’s gone on her honeymoon with this new chap, so it would be naughty if they did anything. They never even kiss.

Tom: Neither did Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

Tim: Erm, well I suppose that’s true. Um. Any particular point you wish to make with that?

Tom: Nope, just making a cheap joke.

Tim: Fair enough. Speaking of music type, as I was quite some time ago now, it’s struck me that while technically it’s her track and he’s just featuring on it, it feels more like an Eric Saade track than a Tone Damli one. I actually quite like that, though, so there’s no complaints from me. This is GREAT.

Tom: It is. Although I was a bit surprised when it came back after the middle eight; I’d actually assumed the track was ending rather than coming back from an encore. Not that I really minded one more chorus, really.

Little Mix – Wings

“SUPER.”

Tom: Well, it’s about time. Seven months after their Christmas Number 1, they’ve finally announced their single. And it’s…

Tim: SUPER. (And about two months earlier than a normal X Factor single, actually.)

Tim: SUPER.

Tom: …hmm. Well, I’m not sure what it is. I’m sure it’ll get into my head over a few listens – and I suspect I’ll get to hear it every time I turn on the radio – but in the meantime I can’t quite wrap my head around it. It’s not bad, that’s for sure.

Tim: ‘Not’ being something of an understatement.

Tom: While I like this trend for lyric videos – Cee-Lo really got them going a couple of years ago – there is an art to them. Most of the time for popular artists, the designers know what they’re doing; but there are some sentences that shouldn’t appear one word at a time. “SPREAD YOUR” and “MY LITTLE BUTT” beg for a completely different conclusion, and that’s just in the first verse.

Tim: The colours are pretty here, though.

Tom: Wait, hang on. That’s not the first verse. That’s the first chorus. “Don’t bore us, get to the chorus” is a good pop catchphrase, but that’s taking it to ridiculous levels.

Tim: Oh come on – it’s hardly unheard of for songs to open with the chorus. Unusual, maybe, but it does get right to the heart of the song and let everybody know what it’s about straight away.

Tom: In summary: they’ve made a decent track.

Tim: Woah, woah, woah, you’re leaving it there? Without mentioning the great up-tempo pre-chorus? Or, more importantly, the glorious second half of the chorus?

Tom: I don’t know: maybe it’s just Not For Me; I can’t seem to get my brain enthused about it. (That may be the vaguest piece of music reviewing I’ve ever written.)

Tim: Or the fact that technically, wings are made to help other things fly?

Tom: Ooh. That’s some top-class pedantry there.

Tim: You’re very kind.

Saturday Flashback: PULS – Ingen Som Du

Ooh, it’s Promising and Earnest Piano Intro Time.

Tim: Remember Icona Pop from a few weeks back, where I first heard the song and didn’t like it, but then I heard it again and I sort of did? Well, that, with this from a couple of months ago, but more extreme.

Tom: Ooh, it’s Promising and Earnest Piano Intro Time, isn’t it? This had better pay off.

Tom: I WANT TO DANCE. Wait, hang on, you like all of this?

Tim: Yes, even the rapping. I’m in the mood to MOVE, and the music underneath it complements it in just the right way that it works. And as for the singing and the rest of the musical bit, well that’s just great as well, from the piano opening and fairly speedy build-up, through that big drop, chorus and ever onwards.

Tom: They’re saved by a good backing melody – it’s no Penguin, but it ain’t bad.

Tim: My only complaint is the sudden quiet chorus after the build-up at about 2:20, because my instinct there is to put my hands in the air, pump my fists and go for it, but then I suddenly feel misled. MISLED, and I don’t like that. But I do like everything else about this, so I’m not so bothered.

Jason Derulo – Undefeated

Amazingly, he doesn’t sing his own name in this.

Tim: JASON, DERUU–

Tom: Amazingly, he doesn’t sing his own name in this.

Tim: Oh.

Tom: But don’t worry, he’s still up to his own tricks: there’s a metric arseload of autotune.

Tim: “O-oh oh o-oh”

Tom: I don’t know what’s more worrying: the fact that there’s an “official Coca-Cola song”, or that you remember it.

Tim: Are you kidding me? How do you not remember it? Aside from being a great track (which peaked in the UK at number 2, with two months in the top 20), it was pretty much everywhere during the World Cup – almost literally, making the top 10 in fifteen countries and charting in many many more. You really don’t remember it?

Tom: Yep. Missed it entirely. That might have been an accident – I’m not exactly the world’s biggest football fan – or it might have been me instinctively staying away from anything corporate-sponsored.

Anyway, back to Derulo: the phrase “poor man’s Usher” popped into my head while listening to this. Is that too harsh?

Tim: Erm, yes, actually – there’s more actual singing than Usher tends to provide, I think, so on that particular criticism I would have to disagree with you.

Tom: There’s nothing really wrong with the song, but equally there’s nothing particularly right either. It sounds like the generic bit of music that a low-budget TV producer would pull out of a stock music library, so they don’t have to pay royalties for whatever’s in the background during the scene set in a club. Okay, perhaps that is too harsh.

Tim: Yes, I think so. Although some library music’s alright, so it’s not necessarily a horrific insult, but it does come across that way.

Tom: I’m always a bit bothered when I’m being that harsh about some music, because Derulo can still sing better than I ever could, and his songwriter can still put together a better track than I ever could.

Tim: Ah, but that’s the joy of being a reviewer – you don’t have to have skill, you just have to recognise it in others. Or the lack of it, apparently.

Tom: It’s just… well, I listened to the whole thing and I can’t remember any of it.

Tim: I can remember that this official, professional video decided to stretch rather than crop a series of photos, making it look stupid. And I can remember that I’m thirsty, and I’d quite like a particular fizzy drink.