The Churned – Forever

“We’re not doing this, it’s not a proper song.”

Tim: Let’s get the inevitable bit out of the way: you’ll say ‘we’re not doing this, it’s not a proper song’, I’ll say ‘yes it is, it got on the iTunes charts and everything’, you’ll say ‘but it’s an advert, it was only written to sell stuff’, I’ll say ‘a cynic might say that that’s all popular music is these days – just there to make money’, you’ll (rightly) point out that it really shouldn’t be that way and that music is around for people to listen to and enjoy, and I shall say ‘yes, exactly,’ and before you can say ‘wait, what?’ we’ll be listening to this and enjoying it.

Tom: No, we won’t. Because today, the part of Tom Scott is being played by Spacey, the Incoherent Badly-Informed Anti-Capitalist Protester Hand Puppet.

Tim: What?

Tom: WHAT DO WE WANT? NOW! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NOW!

Tim: Oh, Christ.

Tom: We’ll hear more from Spacey in a moment.

Tim: Brilliant.

Tim: So, I’ll admit I have become a bit obsessed with this recently; the full-length version you see above was, in fact, one of the highlights of the first of this year’s X Factor live shows (it’s really not a great year), and I won’t deny the mere possibility of even the thirty second cut makes the myriad advert breaks somewhat bearable. It was made for that show, and it is better than that show.

Tom: SMASH THE SYSTEM! THE CORPORATE TROUGH WILL NOT FEED THESE CHICKENS ANY MORE!

Tim: No, erm, Spacey, is it? No, it won’t.

The key change is one of those that makes you think ‘I can’t believe they’re trying to get away with that’ and then creates a big smile. I’m not so keen on the heavy disjoint between the ‘A36-‘ and ‘-8’; part of me thinks it might have been better if it was pronounced sixty-eight, with the -ty coming gently underneath the big fantastic moo, but the moo does in fact make up for it.

Tom: BANKERS OUT! BANKERS OUT! DON’T ELECT THE ADVERTISING WHORES!

Tim: Okaaay. Moving on, I also love the image of them feeding milk to the cows; I’m not a farmer so I have no idea if that actually happens, but I think it’s nice. So, in fact, is the whole story in the song about happy farmers (and, indeed, happy Fresians) – it’s just a great cheerful two minutes.

Tom: WE SHALL NOT! WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED! WE SHALL NOT! WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!

Tim: The one thing that really does annoy me a bit (aside from having to discuss this with a hand puppet) is the chorus dance thing, when they get the N (to go with Naturally) the wrong way round each time, although I suppose it is the right way round from their view, so I’ll let that pass. Finally, though, just to show we’re not actually trying to advertise the product in question, we should note that other ridiculously over the top yogurt adverts are available.

Tom: NO MORE CORPORATIONS! NO MORE… HOLD ON, SOMEONE’S JUST BBM’D ME.

Tim: Ooh. I think this is what here passes for political commentary. It’s also why we generally stick to music.

Tom: If you stick to music, so will I – but this ain’t music.

Tim: LIES. It’s beautiful, heart-warming music, and must be appreciated as such.

Saturday Flashback: Charlotte Church – Back To Scratch

Rather lovely.

Tom: I missed this when it came out, which isn’t surprising since it didn’t make much of an impact on the world. But this song is rather lovely.

Tim: Ooh, it does start out nice and tinkly, doesn’t it?

Tom: In particular, it’s one bit of the chorus – that first line, with the unexpected melody line that reminds me of something but I can’t think what.

Tim: IS IT: Then I saw her face! Because the first time kind of reminds me of that.

Tom: No. Anyway – the rest of the song is pleasant too, but it’s that chorus part that made this song stand out to me in the background music of a pub the other day. And that video takes a brilliant concept and plays with it well enough to be interesting.

Tim: How they did that is fantastic. I love it.

Tom: I wonder if that studio tech’s been used for porn yet?

Tim: Eight Welsh folk, eight sheep – yeah, I can see that working.

Tom: Ah, going for the “acceptable targets” comedy there. Classic.

The Ting Tings – Hang It Up

It’s Difficult Second Album time for the Ting Tings.

Tom: They’re a bit annoying, mostly shout rather than sing, and like banging a drum a lot. Nope, it’s not the Orange Order, it’s the Ting Tings. (That joke, incidentally, from the Never Mind The Buzzcocks reject pile.)

Also, I defy you not to think of Smells Like Teen Spirit for the first three notes of this.

Tom: It’s Difficult Second Album time for the Ting Tings, and given most people knows two songs at most off their first one – three if you count hearing ‘Great DJ’ in a dozen trailers and adverts – it’s going to be a tough sell.

Tim: Yeah… and for me, this song isn’t quite the expert salesman it may need for your average pop fan.

Tom: There’s not been much of an evolution from the first album; that’ll almost certainly be enough for their fans, but you can probably tell from the way I’m writing this that I’m not among them. Decent guitar riff, I suppose, and loud and enthusiastic enough to pass, but if I didn’t like ‘Shut Up And Let Me Go’ – and I didn’t – then this ain’t going to be for me.

Tim: Pretty much what I’d go with. Though to be honest, if their fans went out and bought their first album from their first single or two, based on this they’ll probably buy the second.

Rebecca Ferguson – Nothing’s Real But Love

A decent Radio 2 middle-of-the-road track.

Tim: Ready for this? X Factor 2010 graduate number 4, she is, and although she finished second, to be honest I’d pretty much forgotten about her.

Tom: Bit of a strange time to release a single, given that the new series is on. But let’s see what she’s got…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LysJJVWX5j8

Tom: That’s a decent Radio 2 middle-of-the-road track, is that. Can’t see it lighting up the world in a year or so’s time, but it might just get playlisted.

Tim: Now, this annoys me. Because, man, as a contestant she was dull. I mean, bor-ing, and one I really didn’t didn’t like all that much because of it. Sure, she kept getting through, because she was a good singer – bloody brilliant singer, actually – but she was a Mariah Carey stand-there-and-look-soulful type singer, which was great for a ‘hey Grandma, I bought you a CD’, but not much for a Saturday night entertainment.

Tom: It’s not a singing contest, though; it’s a popularity contest, and stage presence counts for a lot of that.

Tim: BUT THEN, ten months passes, and now she does this, which, let’s be honest, is great. Isn’t it? And I hate that.

Tom: Calm down, Tim.

Tim: Hate it.

Manic Street Preachers – This Is The Day

Big music, nice tune, emotive lyrics.

Tom: I have no idea why I love this, but oh my word do I love it.

Tim: Um, try big music, nice tune, emotive lyrics – any of that sound about right?

Tom: It’s a cover version of a 1984 track by The The, which a lot of folks hearing it on the radio – including me – won’t know. The original, while nice and almost a bit folky, is a bit too nice and folky for me. Accordions are an instrument that I really don’t want to make a comeback in pop. (That is an excellent early-chromakey video, though.)

Tim: Yeah – part of what I like about this is the rock-ness of it with the big guitars and drums and everything that are entirely absent from that original.

Tom: The Manics have taken the lovely melody, lyrics and sentiment and kicked it up so many notches that it’s barely even the same song any more. It’ll do me very nicely.

Gabrielle – Bordet

That chorus is really rather lush.

Tim: No, not that Gabrielle, this Gabrielle. Remember her? If you don’t, don’t worry, just listen to this one.

Tom: Start your new video with your old track – that’s confidence, right there.

Tim: Well? I like this. I won’t say it’s exactly what the pop music scene is looking for, because that’s not true. It’s not far off, though – it’ll fit in nicely, not offend too many people.

Tom: That chorus is really rather lush, though, isn’t it? It goes all, well, big after a fairly quiet verse.

Tim: If it had English lyrics it’d go nicely on a daytime radio playlist, but as it is, I’m sure Norway will be perfectly happy with it.

Tom: What’s the Norwegian equivalent of Radio 1? I can see them playing this.

Tim: Two final notes: disappointed as I am to say it, it’s a lot better than much of what our X Factor seems to be coming up with at the moment and also, I’ve just noticed that YouTube reckons Jizz In My Pants is a related video. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions there.

Lucenzo & Qwote feat. Pitbull – Danza Kuduro (Throw Your Hands Up)

Mid-90s, I reckon.

Tom: Well now, this would fit very nicely into the mid-90s, I reckon.

Tim: Hmm.

Tom: How does Pitbull do it? He seems to be a slightly creepy middle-aged man in a suit at first glance, and yet somehow he’s powered through that and become “Mister International Himself”. I suspect it’s because he’s very, very good at what he does.

As for this track, though; I can see this being a lost Peter Andre track. That’s not a bad thing – he did ‘Mysterious Girl’ after all – and while the slightly-dated sound might sound better a few years ago, as a winter club hit I can still see this working.

That said, it’s not going on my playlist – but I can see it going on plenty of other people’s.

Tim: ALL CORRECT.

Saturday Flashback: Westlife – My Love

For some reason I’m holding a lighter in the air.

Tim: Last week, sad news hit much of the music world: after twelve years of making music, Westlife are to disband. If we wanted to (and I won’t deny there’s a teeny tiny part of me that wouldn’t mind) we could probably do a fortnight-long retrospective of their work; for everybody’s sanity, though, it’s probably best just to keep it to one track, and we’ll go with this one, which starts with them making a somewhat curious travel decision.

Tim: Quite why they’d bother walking (or even flying) when then can just magically change their surroundings at will is beyond me, but anyway.

Tom: It’s such a bizarre line – for a brief moment, my brain accepted it as a perfectly reasonable option. Of course you’d walk.

Tim: This was their six release and sixth UK number one, and their first (and only) Swedish number one, and it’s my personal favourite of theirs. Why?

Tom: I don’t know, but for some reason I’m holding a lighter in the air. I don’t even own a lighter.

Tim: Because it’s by the book, brilliantly done, boyband stuff. There’s the slow and understated first verse. Then comes the emotional chorus, leading in to a more substantial second verse with a beat behind it. The chorus comes back again, perhaps seeming a little bigger this time from the context. The middle eight, split in two with the calm bit at the end leading into the soaring vocals of the stunning final section. We get fanfares (actual fanfares!) in the background just to signify what a brilliant song this is.

And there’s the video as well. There’s the inevitable hammy acting, which can sensibly be ignored.

Tom: A couple of them do the same thing I do – they forget how to walk properly when there’s a camera pointed at them.

Tim: Then at the end it too tries to get the message across, with the flying cameras and impressive peninsula, that this is a Song That Will Be Appreciated. And personally, I can’t help but appreciate it.

Toploader – She Said

‘Well, it’s no Dancing in the Moonlight.’

Tim: Yep, they’re still going, and yes, they’ve done more than ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’.

Tom: And yes, he does look a bit like Carrot Top and Mick Hucknall combined.

I think most people will sum this up as ‘well, it’s no Dancing in the Moonlight’.

Tim: True. BECAUSE – Dancing in the Moonlight was unusual, it didn’t sound like any other band, the glockenspiely stuff gave it a very ‘I’m Toploader, and this is how you recognise me’ feel. This doesn’t have anything like that. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but I reckon it’ll leave people disappointed.

Tom: It’s not bad, of course, and there are some really very striking parts in the verses and chorus – I think it’s really very listenable indeed. By the third time through the chorus, I felt I was actually getting a bit of an emotional lift from it. A proper unexpected middle eight too, but it’s no Dancing in the Moonlight.

Tim: You see? It’s good, but you’re disappointed.

Bruno Mars – It Will Rain

Bruno Mars can just make a song like this soar.

Tom: “From the Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn Part 1”. Oh dear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwr1hm_oBxE

Tom: Now, you’ll remember that I like My Chemical Romance.

Tim: A bit.

Tom: The last track on their Danger Days album is a Ballroom Blitz-y number called ‘Vampire Money‘ – and it’s inspired by them turning down the offer to do a song for the Twilight soundtrack. I liked that decision at the time – and I like it even more now, because even though I’m instinctively tuned to hate everything to do with Twilight, Bruno Mars’ effort is actually a rather good song.

Tim: I’ll agree, it’s alright. Not exactly lighters in the air stuff, but it’ll get the job done. Also, chorus is a bit like Chasing Pavements, though I don’t quite know if I have a point there.

Tom: “There’ll be no sunlight / if I lose you baby”. Generic vampire-type reference, generic chord progressions… I shouldn’t like this, but somehow Bruno Mars can just make a song like this soar.

Tim: It’s the chord progressions – get them right, and the listener’s your prisoner. We discovered something similar at the end of last year, if you’ll recall – two very different songs, but the identical chorus lines in There’s A Place For Us and Call Your Girlfriend made them both enjoyable.

Tom: Take the vampire money, Bruno. It’s worth it.