Tom: I wonder who first realised that the French expression “tourner en rond”, roughly translated as the idiom “running in circles”, sounds a lot like Bonnie Tyler’s big song?
Tom: Either way, in 2003 this was released. Ten weeks at number one in the French charts. Presumably another big payday for writer Jim Steinman.
Tim: Yes, and possibly for whoever rewrote those English lyrics, because I’m fairly sure no-one ever previously mentioned lying like a child in your arms.
Tom: But I’ve got one question, and it might just ruin this for you.
Tim: Oh, go on then, but only on the condition that I can do the same afterwards.
Tom: …is it me, or does Bonnie Tyler sound a bit like she’s retching quite a bit?
Tim: Yep, there it is. And my main question about this is why, from 1:10, does she start telling Santa to turn around?
Tom: That’s actually her middle name. She had to change it after losing a bar bet in the mid-90s. True story.
Tim: The BBC has, it turns out, not learned any lessons from last year, and is intent on sending another singer from the past. “Oh, but it’s Bonnie Tyler!” they’ll say. “Everyone loves Bonnie Tyler!” And we’ll say, “Really? Go on then, if she’s so great, name three of her songs.” And they’ll say, “Three? Are you sure you want three?” And we’ll say “Yes, three, please.” And they’ll say “Oh, come on, she’s brilliant! There was Holding Out For A Hero, and Total Eclipse Of The Heart, and, and, and, oh come on, she’s brilliant!”
But hey – I’ve written all that before hearing the song. My instincts may be wrong. I seriously hope they’re wrong.
Tom: “You just curse the rain / you say” at 0:24. “Crawling by” at 1:34. Either there’s been some complete screwup on the production side – which I can’t rule out – or there’s an incredible amount of autotune on those lyrics.
Whichever it is, that doesn’t bode well.
Tim: Really? I can’t hear anything wrong, there. At least, not with those bits. For the rest of it, I’ll say this: it’s not as awful as last year. Not by a long way. It’s pretty bad as a Eurovision entry, and it doesn’t stand a chance against people like Cascada and Emmelie de Forest (Denmark’s entry), and it’ll probably even take a back seat Finland’s wedding dress lady, but it’s not as bad as last year.
Tom: Aye, I’ll go with that. It’s actually a respectable Eurovision entry – not necessarily a memorable one or a Top 10 finisher, but it’s respectable.
Tim: Perhaps, until you remember what Eurovision should be, because part of me thinks the BBC has forgotten. Whatever your feelings about it – and there are people who like it, because it is a decent song – this is absolutely not a British pop song. Sure, it’s got the melody of it about right – there’s probably plenty of blame to go around, but I don’t think you could lay it at the writer’s feet, not when he’s got a pedigree including Livin’ On A Prayer, Livin’ La Vida Loca and Waking Up In Vegas.
Tom: That makes sense: produce it differently and this could be a Katy Perry album track.
Tim: But man, Bonnie Tyler? I mean, maybe she’s still got the moves, but a big name from three and a half decades ago just isn’t enough, and you’d have thought that they’d have learnt that this year. Where did the idea that “old people are great” cone from? Maybe their cry is that young people aren’t interested in it and don’t want to compete, but if Twitter’s anything to go by people do care, and aren’t really all that happy.
So here’s a thought (and I’m aware I’m by no means the first person to come up with this): BBC. You have a big international music competition that you put a lot of money into each year, so you want people to get into it. You also have a national music competition that you put a lot of money into each year, that you really really want people to get into. Why not merge the two? Seriously, it would give The Voice a purpose beyond being “the BBC’s answer to The X Factor”, it would give a lot more people a reason to watch it, and the winner wouldn’t come out of it with nothing but a winner’s single that didn’t even make the top 40.
Tom: Or somehow get One Direction to do it. That’d guarantee us a win.
Tim: I’m fairly sure you’re saying that as a joke, but now you mention it: what would they lose by doing it?
