Sam Bailey – Skyscraper

Come the middle eight, BOOM.

Tim: Another year of X Factor, and for some reason the same song that Union J would have had last year. Also, the lowest-selling Christmas number one since Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman did Something Stupid twelve years ago. (See what I did there?)

Tom: The charts are pretty much broken these days, what with downloads and YouTube. Still, there’s still a place in the history books for Christmas Number One. So, the same as last year?

Tim: Sort of, anyway – it’s weird, but for the first two verses and choruses, this was just fairly dull, really. It’s emotionally lacking, unlike Demi Lovato’s original, and it’s not big instrumentation to make up for that like Union J had.

Tom: Oddly, I haven’t heard Skyscraper before — it completely passed me by. I didn’t see why it’s much of a winner’s song until hearing the original: it didn’t seem all that memorable, or a Big Number, until it had Demi Levato’s emotional vocals behind it.

Tim: On the other hand, come the middle eight, BOOM. It’s as though the whole song dials it up a couple of notches: the voice becomes more impressive, the backing really kicks in, and it suddenly becomes worth listening to. I actually like it somewhat, and I’d certainly stick it on an X Factor playlist. Might even put it on a regular playlist, though only if I could be sure I could skip to the good bit each time.

The United – So Wicked

“Crikey. Let’s have it, indeed.”

Tim: Right then, that’s Christmas done. But let’s stay vaguely merry for the time being with a nice tale of worldwide co-operation. Remember these guys from back in March? Without going into all the details again, we’ve a Brit, a German, an Italian, a Swede and a, um, Netherlandian.

Tom: Turns out there isn’t a decent singular demonym for Dutch folks. Who knew?

Tim: Boyband dance pop, let’s have it.

Tom: Crikey. Let’s have it, indeed. That’s really good.

Tim: This is a band with money behind it, and that shows. This is a track with good backing from a producer who knows what he’s doing, the video’s got comic book panels and lens flare and all that, and they can do the singing they need to. The same criticisms from last time still apply, mind: it’s a tad generic, could easily be solo material, and it’s not particularly memorable, but while it’s on it’s very enjoyable, and one big hit could well bring these lot to the front.

Tom: I found myself tapping my feet along on the first listen through, which is rare for me: and I think that was due to the production, not the band. “So wicked” is actually a terrible lyric — and that odd sample of it in the middle eight doesn’t matter — but the rest of it is so good I didn’t really mind.

Tim: Inevitable ‘up and coming boyband’ comparison: The Fooo, who somehow don’t have quite the same level of, well, I’m not sure really, but something anyway. Basically, these guys seems like a proper boyband just waiting for one track to become huge, whereas The Fooo just seem content wandering around, putting tracks out there every now and again until they find something that works. If you want to go on about artistic integrity and stuff, The United probably wouldn’t come out on top; if you want to go on about tracks that are properly produced and very enjoyable to listen to, though, then this is where it’s at.

Christmas Flashback: Jose Feliciano – Feliz Navidad

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Tim: This is a song from 1970 that’s big in a LOT of countries, and a whole load of people such as Boney M, Michael Bublé and Artie off Glee have covered it, but somehow it’s never taken off in the UK. That’s a shame, because it’s brilliant (as is this accompanying home-made video).

Tom: Another animated GIFtacular. I’ll put it in a background tab. Fortunately, I know the song well already: I heard it years ago when I was in the US, and it’s always stuck with me.

Tim: It’s basically a fifty second song repeated way too many times, but I don’t care. You can count the lyric lines on the fingers of one hand, but I don’t care.

Tom: Indeed, which may be why it’s stuck with me.

Tim: I don’t care, because the lyrics, and the song, say everything there is to say right now. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Tom: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Asher Monroe – Christmas Is Here To Stay

Well, that is one sparkly video.

Tim: Right, I’m sorry that yesterday’s track entirely spoiled your festive spirit; let me make it up to you with this.

Tom: Well, that is one sparkly video. Not many men can pull off a sequinned jacket, but he manages it. Shame aside from the product placement, which is a bit odd: just stick the logo on the drum, it’ll do.

Tim: Yeah – it’s also very much a “look what I can do!” video, which a lot of the time I’d find annoying. But WELL DONE YOU, have an extra present.

Tom: He is managing to be utterly unconvincing on every one of those instruments, though.

Tim: Good point, I’ll take my present back. He’ll just have to stick with the crateloads of Neuro he’s probably already got.

Tom: As for the music…

Tim: Isn’t it just lovely? Slightly understated, you might say, as there’s no moment when it all kicks off and goes full jingle-tastic, but the chorus sounds wonderful with all the brass. What I particularly like is that pretty much every lyric has its own bit of Christmas, be it Christmas lights, mistletoe, tree or just Christmas singing, and you’re left with a feeling that he’s basically gone through all of Christmas and picked out as much as he can – hell, he’s even finished it off with a load of fa-la-las (which, fortunately, stop before they generate Hey Jude-level amounts of annoyance).

Tom: Agreed. It’s no full-on Darlene Love spectacular, but it’s a perfectly pleasant Christmassy song. Yes, that’ll do nicely.

Tim: Basically, this is Christmas all wrapped up for you, and I sincerely hope this improves your festivity levels.

Tom: It does. Merry Christmas, Tim.

Kingsland Road – The Kings Are Coming (At Christmas Time)

“It’s like a group of really immature teenagers got together…”

Tim: Most X Factor acts leave the competition and aren’t heard from again until a good six months down the line, around about the time everybody’s just about to realise that the obligatory “I’ll keep making music, you’ve not heard the last of me” was, as ever, utter balls. Not Kingsland Road, though, who got kicked off in week 5 and have already posted a Christmas track to sustain our interest. I’d get annoyed about it being a quick and dirty cash-in, but firstly they’re giving it away for free, and secondly…

Tim: …it’s actually really rather good.

Tom: It’s… it’s not. It’s really not.

Tim: What? It’s got Christmas stamped all over it, and beyond that it’s partly a love letter to Katy Perry, and partly a “welcome to us” track, and while I’d normally say to a band “look, keep this stuff for a blog post, put out some good music”, this actually is very enjoyable.

Tom: No. It’s not. All those lyrics are terrible. Knockers. Farting. It’s like a group of really immature teenagers got together and tried to… huh. Actually, that makes sense.

Tim: See, I think the lyrics tread a (very) fine line between clever and annoying, but for me at least they just about overall stay on the right side, mostly because not only is it almost certainly the first song to base its initial premise on an iPhone’s Location Services but also the first I know of to directly reference a current advert campaign. The only thing I’m not keen on are the weird call backs later in the song, but they do have a slight charm to them, maybe.

Tom: It barely worked for the Beatles in Yellow Submarine. It certainly doesn’t work here.

Tim: Hmm. I don’t know. It’s a very enjoyable track, though – that much is clear.

Tom: It actively wound me up. It made me significantly less Christmassy. I had to go listen to Underneath the Tree again to get me back in the mood.

Tim: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry, then. Well, there’s a video as well, compiled from a mix of X Factor footage, grainy concert footage and animated GIFs; it takes away most of what subtlety remains (for example, I’d somehow missed the line about Katy’s knockers, and I’d not noted that the passing gas is actually about one of the band members), but it brought a smile to my face.

Tom: It’s like the very worst of fan-videos. I’d ask how their publicist allowed this, but I’m not sure they have one any more.

Tim: Basically, I like this track a lot, and it almost makes me glad that they got kicked off early because if they’d stayed in too much longer we wouldn’t have this. So good.

Tim: So awful.

Saturday Flashback: Armand Deluxe – Almost Christmas Day

“Just WOW.”

Tim: Hi Tom! You know how you LOVE children in songs? Well, have I got a treat for you!

https://soundcloud.com/thedeluxe/09-almost-christmas-day

Tim: Armand Deluxe puts out a load of Christmas track each year, and this years he’s gathered them all into one finely packaged and delightfully titled album, MISTLETOE&VODKA.

Tom: Ha. Okay, despite your introduction not selling me on this, that’s a bloody fantastic name for an album.

Tim: This one’s from 2011, and just WOW. The idea seems to be basically: put Christmas in a blender and pour it into your speakers, and oh how joyous it is. The lyrics are pretty good, if not entirely intelligible: I think one of my favourite parts is the slight intimation that Santa is actually God, though, which is a lesson we could definitely teach that stinkypoo of a vicar who told kids that Santa’s fictional.

Tom: “They would not barge into one of his services and announce that the story of Jesus was a fiction.” Awkward.

Tim: And yet valid. But anyway, before we get into a needlessly controversial discussion of the nature of existence, the song’s not about the lyrics, and it’s not really even about the frankly wonderful jingly backing and other melody bits. It’s that chorus. That infectious, repetitive chant that right from the start you just know will be there throughout, and to repeat one line a full fifteen times is quite impressive.

Tom: My problem with kids’ choirs in songs like this is that, basically, it’s like using a kazoo when you could have an entire string section. It might start out endearing, but by the end it’s just annoying and not nearly as good as the alternative.

Tim: Do you know, I’d not thought of it that way. Replace these children with, say, a full gospel choir, and it might be even better. But without that, does it need to be four minutes? Could we possibly lose one or two of those final chorus repeats? Maybe, but a line like “Forget what’s been and done when the good times roll, in the morning let Christmas roll” is one worth repeating, even if the rhyming could be a little more imaginative. IT’S GREAT.

Tom: And you know what? I agree with you. And I agree with you for one reason: it ends on a DAH-DAH-DAH-DUM. That’s just joyous. Not enough songs do that.

The Fooo – It’s Time To Make A Wish

“Quick cash-in they didn’t have time to make properly”

Tim: This is the fifth time we’ve featured The Fooo in the past three and a bit months; they do seem to be worth following, though, because here’s a Christmas track.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPHXOOjJvKQ

Tim: Weird thing about this: I would love to feel Christmassy to it, but I just can’t. And I don’t really know why.

Tom: Neither do I — but I think I know why.

Tim: You think? Because it’s there in the lyrics with Christmas all over the place. It’s there in the music, with sleigh bells and all sorts. The pre-chorus in particular is very good. But somehow…somehow the rest leaves something to be desired. And that annoys me. I don’t know if it’s the excessive autotune, or something else entirely, but right now I don’t quite feel that this is what I want. And man, I wish it was. But it just isn’t.

Tom: It’s because the only parts of this that are Christmassy are the bells and a couple of lyrics. The rest of it? Not at all. Change a couple of words, change a bit of instrumentation, and this is another generic boy-band track.

Tim: Dammit, actually, that’s just it. Come on, Fooo, you have the potential to be great. So why can’t you make the effor?

Tom: I’m going to file it under “quick cash-in they didn’t have time to make properly”. Perhaps I’m being uncharitable.

Tim: Annoyingly, I don’t think you are.

Demi Lovato – Let It Go

“You sure as hell won’t be able to concentrate on anything else”

Tim: Not Christmas, but very, very wintery. Lead track from the very enjoyable film Frozen, and to give it some context: sung by someone who’s just unleashed a superpower that’s been repressed for about fifteen years, to less than ideal results.

Tim: WOW. It’s not quite this much of a belter in the film, but it got rerecorded and stuck over the end credits. And boy, was that ever a wonderful decision.

Tom: So this is similar to Elton John’s absolutely brilliant version of ‘Circle of Life’ — albeit without the composer also being the singer.

Tim: Indeed. The lyrics probably won’t make much sense unless you’ve seen the film, but that music and that voice are undeniably brilliant regardless. Admittedly there’s room for more on top of the strumming guitar and drumbeat at the end, but damn, what a voice that lady has. And you know what? Even if you don’t think that backing’s enough for you: put this on in the background, work on something else, but when it comes back at the end you sure as hell won’t be able to concentrate on that something.

Tom: You know what, that’s pretty much exactly what I did.

Tim: This is a song that, despite not demanding it, will nevertheless get your attention. And that’s just great, because what song can hope for more? NO SONG.

Tom: As far as pop music’s concerned, I can’t disagree with that.

Tim: And to close off, I know we don’t generally (or indeed ever) do film reviews, but if we did, I’d say that this is the most heartwarming film I’ve seen in a good long time; if anybody’s put off by the fact that it’s a Disney animated film, you really shouldn’t be. It’s got more emotional depth than pretty much any grown up film I’ve seen, a storyline based in a classic fairytale and emboldened so much more, and enough LOL moments to make even the darkest periods (of which there are a few) very manageable. It’s fantastic. Watch the film, buy the song. That’s it, really.

Katy Perry – Unconditionally

How many different ways can you stress the same word?

Tom: “Unconditionally”. Six syllables. The title of the song is a line of the chorus. And it’s awkward.

Tim: There’s snow in that video. Do you know what? Sod the “euro” bit. Can we just be Christmasplop! for the rest of December, please? I am feeling incredibly Christmassy this year, so CAN WE CAN WE CAN WE PLEASE?????

Tom: Yes, yes. Fine.

Tim: YAY!! And can we have that amazing thing where there’s snow falling down the screen?

Tom: No. This song. How many different ways can you stress the same word? Well, I guess we’ve just found out. And it’s repeated so much that, by the end of the song, I’ve stopped even hearing it as a word.

Tim: Hmm. The times when she stresses the ‘con’ do seem a tad egregious (big word, I know), but damn, regardless of that, what an incredible power ballad that is.

Tom: Noticing that, I suspect, has somewhat tainted my enjoyment of what is otherwise a pretty good, by-the-numbers pop ballad with an expensive, well-directed, by-the-numbers arty pop video. It’s difficult to say much more than that, though.

Tim: ‘Pretty good’? ‘By the numbers’? Well, actually, yes for the second, but damn, those are some BIG numbers and this is so much more than ‘pretty good’.

The Big Reunion – I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday

“This is an awful, awful cover.”

Tom: We had Comic Relief singles. We had Children in Need singles. I guess ITV is now getting in on the act with Text Santa singles.

Tim: And, of course, the X Factor single, which for the past couple of years has been for Together For Small Lives, which is definitely because they want to be charitable and definitely not because they want to get rid of all the “Let Kill These X Factor Profitable Bastards” Facebook campaigns. Actually, sod my cynicism: why can’t it be both. It’s a good charity, and a not particularly terrible track. Buy it, why don’t you.

Tom: Is it a bit awkward, by the way, that Leona Lewis also covered this? Folks from two ITV shows, both releasing the same cover in the same year. You’d think they could have co-ordinated that better.

Anyway, we asked for two things of Leona track: “this had better be rollicking”, and “capturing the essence” of the original. Now, we’ve decided in the past that we don’t treat charity singles any differently, so let me warn you: this is an awful, awful cover.

Tim: Hahaha – what a wonderful introduction. LET’S HIT PLAY, KIDS!

Tim: There was Alien. Then there was Aliens. AND THEN THERE WAS ALIEN 3.

Tom: It was anaemic, but generally acceptable, I guess, until that unexpected, unnecessary and unforgivable rap middle eight. Then to make matters worse, the saxophone has completely disappeared.

Tim: I don’t know – I actually found that rap very moving and profoundly thought-provoking. Well, at least the first time I heard it. Then I heard it again and noticed that “there’s people without no food to eat” was a double negative and then that entirely ruined it. SORRY ABS MUST TRY HARDER.

Tom: And then an “IT’S CHRISTMAS!” shouted? That’s the wrong band! That’s Slade! And then all the timing’s messed up! You’ve ruined Christmas, ITV. YOU’VE RUINED CHRISTMAS.

Tim: No, no I won’t quite have that. Because right now, there’s only one supergroup that matters for me. And ITV are also responsible for that. So they’re even. But if it wasn’t for that, then yes, ITV. YOU’VE RUINED CHRISTMAS. BECAUSE THIS IS AWFUL.