“There’s really no rescuing that track, is there?”
Tim: Earlier this week, I wrote of Sam Smith’s track that “there is precisely one person who comes out of this endeavour well, and that’s Madonna, because Die Another Day doesn’t appear quite as atrocious as it previously did.” But let’s put that to the test.
Tom: Why did we put that to the test, Tim?
Tim: Um…yeah, I’m not really sure. There’s really no rescuing that track, is there?
Tom: I remember watching that in the cinema, already a bit baffled by the bizarre opening, and… well, look, it summed up the film too.
Tim: Although, well, somehow it did did get nominated for actual proper awards like Golben Globes and Grammys, so I don’t know how on earth that happened. Listen to it: it’s dull and repetitive and the autotune is near-unbearable; it might just work as a dance track, but it’s way too stilted and stuttery. I really don’t know – have you got anything good for it?
Tim: Madonna’s great, isn’t she? At least when she’s on the top of her game and not putting out uninspired tracks or total rackets like she has been recently.
Tom: Or covering “American Pie”. Fifteen years and it still haunts her.
Tim: I’m gonna put it out there: I was not offended by that as much as seems to be expected by society in general. Admittedly it doesn’t sound great now, as its dance-pop style was very much of its time, but I don’t think it’s all that terrible.
Fortunately, this here is at the top of her game.
Tim: And to top it all off it comes with a damn good video. It’s not quite examining stigmata on her hands good, but we have properly high production values, telling an actual story working out with the lyrics (Moa, please pay attention), and a distinctive visual tone matching that of the music.
Tom: Yes, yes, I’ll grant you, it’s all very arty and well-directed.
Tim: But back to that music – that’s just wonderful, isn’t it?
Tom: What? Er, no, it’s all a bit long, drawn-out and unimpressive. Why do you think it’s good?
Tim: The verses start out great, with the downbeat vocals that stay there in tone but only take until the second half of the first verse to start the lyrical journey upwards. From there, it just keeps going up, with the continuous reminders that YES, Madonna will BE THERE FOR US, however mad, mad this world may be and even if we did start out trying to shoot her in a post-apocalyptic world (seriously, what a video).
Tom: I can’t help but feel you’ve been drawn in by that video. I mean, it’s not bad, but it’s an album track at best, surely?
Tim: Oh, no. I’m listening to it several days later, and I still think it’s great, especially that “when it all falls down” melody in the chorus.
It’s really not often I can say this, but I genuinely don’t think I can fault this. Even by her standards, it’s brilliant.
My brain can’t quite cope with what’s going on in this video.
Tom: My brain can’t quite cope with what’s going on in this video.
Tim: Ah, finally doing this, are we?
Tom: “Finally”? I know it’s been getting radio play, but the formal release date’s this week. And yes, I know that doesn’t really count in the age of downloads, but still.
Tim: Oh, alright then, if we must. I’m not sure what’s in the video, but I’ll bet you anything that’s it’s not as weird as bringing a statue of Jesus to life and then discovering stigmata on your hands.
Tom: Nicki Minaj: yep, I can see her doing the cheerleader getup. Suits her. But that’s MIA, whose image is more hard-ass political than preppy cheerleader. For crying out loud, in her last video she had an all-female veil-wearing Muslim stunt driving team. And now she’s chanting backing vocals and waving pompoms for Madonna?
Tim: Hmm. Normally in this place I’d think of some reason to justify it. But…nope. Can’t come up with one.
Tom: Anyway: the music sounds, well, like an updated version of Madonna. It’s clearly her voice, clearly her sound, but the production is just as clearly from this millennium. It’s never going to be a famous singalong hit in a couple of decades’ time, but it’s pretty damn good.
Tim: Meh, it’s alright. Decent, sure, but it’s not as good as the lead single off a new Madonna album should be.
