Author: Tim

Michael Jackson feat. Pitbull – Bad

PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME HEAR THIS AGAIN.

Tim: NO.

Tom: Sometimes, Tim, a track comes along that is so damn terrible that we have to have a two minutes’ hate towards it. Or in this case, a four minutes and twenty seven seconds’ hate.

Tim: PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME HEAR THIS AGAIN.

Tom: Wait, you’ve already heard it? How? I wasn’t aware that any radio station anywhere had bothered to play it.

Tim: Oh, it got linked to with an accompanying warning along the lines of “If you listen to this you will die”, and then I thought “oh, it can’t be that bad” and three minutes later thought “well that was an understatement and a half”.

Tom: This is a pretty terrible way to mark a 25th anniversary.

Tim: Oh, really? You think? Because I can’t think of many worse things, unless someone happened to set fire to a synagogue on 8th May 1970.

Tom: Wow. I mean… wow. I… that may be the worst thing you’ve ever written.

Tim: Tasteless? Utterly. Undeserved? Not at all.

Tom: Mind you, the odd thing is that the remix part is pretty good. Unnecessary, sure, but modernising a track like this isn’t uncommon, and sometimes it produces a work of genius (for example, the Groovefinder remix of Satellite of Love from a few years back). This isn’t quite that good, but there’s nothing wrong with it.

Tim: True. There’s also nothing wrong with the Darth Maul fight in The Phantom Menace. But then there’s Jar Jar Binks, midichlorians and just about EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE FILM. AND THIS SONG.

Tom: Actually, there are issues with that fight, but that’s an issue for another time. Anyway, then there’s Pitbull. He’s unnecessary – not just in this track, just in terms of existence. He’s even product-placing in the middle of this. Is there such a thing as a music license? If so, can we revoke his?

Tim: Unfortunately not, largely because you’d have to stretch the definition of music a very, very long way to get it even close to Pitbull.

Tom: Michael Jackson must be spinning in his grave. Or moonwalking, anyway.

No Doubt – Settle Down

That’s at least two minutes longer than it needs to be.

Tom: Like yesterday, it’s the first single off the new album. Unlike yesterday, the video’s got more than one colour in it.

Tim: Shame. I had hopes for a week of monochrome videos, then each post could have a theme song. Yesterday’s was Eiffel 65, then we could have had Coldplay, Will Young, Prince and finish off with Spandau Ballet. Well, maybe another time.

Tom: Yellow, Evergreen, Purple Rain and Gold, for those keeping track at home.

Tim: That’s at least two minutes longer than it needs to be. Radio edit, possibly?

Tom: I thought this was going to be terrible until the chorus.

Tim: Hmm. Given the length, I was hoping for that first verse being a lengthy introduction followed by verses in the style of what is actually the chorus. But no.

Tom: Actually, let me rephrase: it is pretty terrible apart from the chorus. I don’t know why I was expecting more from Gwen Stefani (particularly after seeing Adam Buxton’s version of Hollaback Girl).

Tim: Umm, no, me neither.

Tom: But that chorus… well, I think it would save the track, were the song still not far too long. It doesn’t need the long intro and ending, it doesn’t need the “in line and settle down” bits. It does need more of that chorus.

Tim: So much more.

Example – Say Nothing

If this isn’t a corker, then something’s gone very wrong.

Tom: First single off the new album. Out shortly. If this isn’t a corker, then something’s gone very wrong.

Tom: Well, that will do nicely.

Tim: It’ll do…alright, yes.

Tom: Example’s always been a bit of a mystery to me: he’s an okay singer, he’s an okay rapper, but somehow the whole package works brilliantly. He just seems likeable, and the production on his tracks is so damned glossy and professional that I find them impossible to dislike. This is a man who knows how to make a pop record.

Tim: There, you’re not wrong. To be honest, there’s not a lot to say here – it’s a straight up pop-dance track that does everything just as it should, and doesn’t venture anywhere that it shouldn’t.

Tom: Should he be striving for more after four albums? Maybe: but if the fans like it, and he likes it, best of luck to him.

Tim: I can’t really add more than that: it hits all the right beats, it’s danceable, and it’s probably – and rightfully – going to be a big hit.

Tom: As for the post-apocalyptic entirely-blue video: while it’s very pretty, it does seem a bit low-budget and phoned-in.

Tim: I just like that he’s taking inspiration from Eiffel 65.

Tom: Shame, really, ‘cos the track’s brilliant.

The Killers – Runaways

I’ve got no complaints.

Tom: The Killers are known best for Mr. Brightside. Then they’ve got Somebody Told Me, which is almost as popular. Plus there’s When You Were Young, Human, Spaceman, All These Things I’ve Done and Read My Mind, in probable order of how likely someone is to remember them.

Tim: Something like that, yes, although Spaceman’s my favourite (so far, at least). Anyway, I’m sure you’d like to tell us what all this means, so apologies for interrupting.

Tom: What I’m saying is this: they’ve had a couple of killer tracks on every single album so far, albeit the big anthemic ones were both on the first album, eight years ago. This is the first single off the new album. Can they keep it going?

Tom: Yes. Yes they can. It’s not going to be a singalong club favourite, but it’s just as good as any of the tracks in that B-list I mentioned above. And when their B-list is this good, well, I’ve got no complaints.

Tim: Me neither. It sounds vaguely like it could be a U2 track from their 1980s days, before they took a dip, what with all the lengthy yelling and instruments and stuff, and I like that a lot.

Tom: Well, maybe a couple of complaints. It wasn’t until that final chorus that I thought the song had properly ‘kicked in’, so I was rather surprised when it ended. A second listen solved that, though.

Tim: My main niggle is that I’d love the “we all just runaway” to keep going through the instrumental bars it leads into, because I have a tune in my head that would go brilliantly there. It goes “we’re all just runaways, runaways, dum daa dum”, although with actual words in the las three bits. Doesn’t that sound great?

Tom: Minor tweaks aside, I reckon they’ve got a solid single here, sounding fresh enough while remaining true to their original sound. Not many bands can say that, eight years on.

Saturday Flashback: Mark Brown feat. Sarah Cracknell – The Journey Continues

It’s lovely, isn’t it?

Tim: You’ve commented before about my apparent penchant for songs from adverts, be they for tea, fizzy drink or yogurt; now let’s add a 2007 bank advert to the list, because when the songs are this good, I don’t care.

Tom: AdBlock Plus, and a lack of actual TV, means I managed to somehow avoid this. Let’s have a listen.

Tim: Because face it: it’s lovely, isn’t it?

Tom: Not bad, certainly.

Tim: Three components to this, really. First, the instrumentation, which is just standard dance backing until you consider the quiet, simple and yet brilliant two-bar loop in the background.

Tom: Crikey, that is just two bars, isn’t it? There’s occasional changes, but other than that it barely changes. I hadn’t even noticed that until you pointed it out.

Tim: Then there’s the vocal, which talks first about raining, but then also about what we’re going to do about everything, which is quite a hefty and ambitious subject for a short dance tune to deal with when you think about it. Then of course, there’s the ah-ah-ah-ah-etc that everybody knows, which is instantly recognisable, calming and, well, beautiful almost.

Tom: Almost. If you’ve been introduced to this via that particular operatic vocal, and you’re expecting it, maybe it’s a bit better – going in cold, it does seem a bit out of place.

Tim: Well most people were introduced to it that way – they saw the advert, and that then got so well-known it was fleshed out a bit a few months on to make this, now generally referred to as ‘that song off that bank advert’. And advert or otherwise, this is wonderful, and you can’t deny it.

Tom: I’m not going to go so far as ‘wonderful’. ‘Nice’, I’ll grant you.

Tim: Oh, fair enough. BUT I’ve just thought of another advert with lovely music from about the same time, which you should watch. Here.

Tom: There’s something wrong with you.

Ronan Keating – Fires

It’s quite a bit louder than I was expecting

Tim: There’s not a lot left of the 1990s Irish boyband scene; in fact, unless I’m missing someone, there’s only Ronan still doing stuff.

Tom: Blimey. That’s a surprise to me.

Tim: Almost to me too, really.

Tom: No, I mean that Ronan’s still going.

Tim: Oh. Well, let’s see what he’s leading his new album with.

Tom: The birdsong in the video set the scene for a quiet ballad. That’s not what actually happened.

Tim: No – it’s quite a bit louder than I was expecting, I’ve got to say, although that might be because it’s been so long since I paid attention to him that I still think he’s all Life Is A Rollercoaster and Love Me For A Reason. That’s actually a nice thing, though, because to be honest it wouldn’t have surprised me if he’d gone and been boring as seems to be the fashion nowadays, DOESN’T IT ED SHEERAN AND LANA DEL RAY??

Tom: I’m still bitter about Ed Sheeran covering Pink Floyd at the closing ceremony. To be fair, I’m still bitter about the closing ceremony.

Tim: But yes, this has energy to it and is pleasant. It’s nothing special, admittedly, but it’s, well, good. Not sure quite what more there is to say about it, mind, but I enjoy listening to it and that’s what matters.

But now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a Bentley. Not sure why, just seems like the sort of thing I want to do.

Tom: Do you also want to run in pretentious slow motion? Just thought I’d ask.

Tim: Already got my route planned to the garage, yes.

Muse – Madness

Like a cross between George Michael and Freddie Mercury.

Tom: I know, they’re not remotely Europop. But they’re also one of the biggest bands in the world, and taking an interesting new direction – so let’s have a listen to this one.

Tim: Is that it? Because, well, that is an interesting new direction if they’ve pretty much dropped everything a lot of people associate with Muse (i.e. loud guitars and drums and rock stuff).

Tom: They’ve never been a band scared of experimentation, despite their mainstream popularity: they had a 13-minute symphony on their last album. And now? Well, they’ve found dubstep, released a calm track, and Matt Bellamy now sounds like a cross between George Michael and Freddie Mercury. In fact, Muse seem to be closest we have to a modern version of Queen – and I mean that as a compliment, not in the sense that they’re ripping them off.

Tim: Well, possibly, though I’d add Bono into that collective. It’s interesting how they use the instrumental break to pretty much completely switch genres, turning the dance stuff way down low until the very end when there’s nothing else left.

Tom: It’s the epitome of a slow builder, ending in a positively triumphant chorus. It’s not traditional Muse, and I don’t know what the fans will think – but I like it.

Tim: I like it too, which really isn’t the sort of thing I thought I’d end a review of a Muse track with.

Saturday Flashback: Elton John – Someday Out Of The Blue

Many years ago, when I was a kid, I went to the cinema…

Tom: Many years ago, when I was a kid, I went to the cinema to see… something-or-other. And when I got home, and my folks asked me if the film was any good, I’ve no idea what I said. But I do remember mentioning this – because for whatever reason, they played this video in its entirety as one of the trailers. I don’t know why: but it clearly stuck with me.

Tom: A four-minute trailer that’s actually an Elton John music video. And what a video: they didn’t need to go to the expense of animating special scenes, let alone rotoscoping a cartoon Elton into it – but they did. And that’s just be a useless gimmick, if it wasn’t also a brilliant song.

Tim: Brilliant is one word to use; another word would be standard Elton John fare.

Tom: The thing is, standard Elton John fare – at least for his singles – is “brilliant”. He’s got ‘great hits’ albums that are two CDs long, and you’ll recognise most of the tracks on them.

Tim: Yes – I suppose I’m coming across slightly negative because, well, it’s an Elton John soundtrack song and I want it to be properly great.

Tom: I say brilliant because, well, it’s your quintessential Elton John soundtrack song. Everything about it is predictable in the best possible way: it’s catchy, it’s uplifting, and it’s got a key change at the end. It made me smile.

Tim: The key change made me smile as well, but mostly for the “ah yes, there it is” factor. Again, though, I can’t help feeling I’m being unreasonably negative. Sorry.

Tom: Well, like I say: it stuck with me.

Pitbull feat. Shakira – Explode

Everything about this is brilliant. Apart from Pitbull.

Tom: Everything about this is brilliant. Apart from Pitbull.

Tim: Yes, I can agree with you there.

Tom: Listen to Shakira’s vocal. It’s astonishingly good. And the slowly building instrumentation underneath it, suddenly blasting out into a brilliant dance track… it’s fantastic. I want the whole track to be like this.

Tim: So do I, and I particularly like the middle eight closing bit and then firing out that triumphant end section.

Tom: But it’s not. It’s got Pitbull in it. Bragging about himself and his travels. Again.

Tim: Actually, he seems to be calling himself Mr Worldwide here, so at least he’s got a character he’s sticking to.

Tom: Oh, that’s been his nickname for a while. How do I know that? Because he mentions it in every goddamn track of his I hear. I swear he’s given himself the name, like a kid in school trying to be cool. He’s got a decent flow and voice, I’ll give him that, but heaven forbid he do anything interesting or smart with it. Put someone else in this, or better yet put no-one else in this, and it’d be wonderful.

Tim: Yes.

Moa Lignell – Whatever They Do

It would be nice if we could have a selection of templates.

Tim: If you’re scared of spiders, or terrifying haircuts, you might want to turn away for the middle part of this video. Just so you know.

Tom: BLOODY HELL! I don’t know whether that’s just because you primed me with the word “spider”, but that genuinely made me jump. Gah.

Tim: Good, isn’t it? Now, sometimes I think it would be nice if we could have a selection of templates, so that if we think a track isn’t hugely interesting we could act in kind and not put much effort into reviewing.

Tom: Aha! A Forer Effect test for music – the kind of generic personality description that most people think actually applies to them.

Tim: For example, it could go like this:

Well, this starts out pleasantly and vaguely promisingly, though to be honest by end of the first verse I was getting bored. Fortunately, the chorus came along and added enough variety to keep me listening, though it fairly soon became background tab fodder and my brain just sorted of tuned out. It’s nice, I suppose, but, well, couldn’t they have brought the final chorus forward to the other ones and then spiced that bit up even more?

Tom: Yep, that’ll do. It’s surprising how much pop music fits into that template.

Tim: Because I think that sums it up fine, and you’re right, a lot of songs are like this. It would be a lot easier, therefore, if we could just copy it in.

Tom: I think in future, we just won’t cover them at all.