Tom: I wouldn’t normally even mention James Blunt’s music – no matter how much you may like the man himself, I think we can agree that his music tends to be a bit on the insipid side.
This one, though, is interesting for all the wrong reasons.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgJVMa2g9Fg
Tim: Is it?
Tom: If Chesney Hawkes’ songwriter isn’t getting royalties for “The One and Only” off this, then he’s probably thinking about legal action. And as for the composers of Flashdance’s soundtrack…
Tim: It had been a while since I heard The One and Only, so I didn’t think anything of it at the start. Then I went and listened to it, and then relistened to James Blunt, and my word yes. I’d not heard Flashdance at all, but yes, there as well. Although in that case: let’s be honest, its a very basic drum pattern, and there are only so many of them to go round – I’m sure there are other songs I’ve heard it on as well.
Tom: It’s more than a drum pattern! It’s the entire melody line. Tell me I’m not the only one hearing that – it’s almost the same song.
What gets me is that apparently, no-one muttered “you know, this really sounds like those other songs” loud enough during the production process. Because surely everyone’s going to notice this, right?
Tim: Well, maybe, but there are two things to consider: firstly, you can’t copyright a drum beat, and secondly, does anybody actually care?
Cee Lo’s such a big name now he doesn’t even have to appear in his own music videos.
Tom: Cee Lo’s such a big name now he doesn’t even have to appear in his own music videos.
Tom: And what a music video. Studio backlot street, old-school singing and dancing, and a joyous disregard for continuity.
Tim: Video’s alright, but the song’s a bit dull – there’s no decent hook to get into, and his voice really doesn’t seem to be, well, used that much. This could kind of be anyone singing.
Tom: I do really like all the neo-Motown tracks that have come out this year: and Cee Lo does seem to be king of them all. This is the fifth single off the latest album, which is pushing it by any standards – but I can still see it being successful.
Tim: Perhaps, but if it is it’ll more likely be because it’s the new Cee Lo Green track, rather than just being a great track.
Tim: This has been around since April, and was apparently HUGE in European clubs. You in a partying mood?
Tom: Oh yes I am. And you know what? I’m going to put the ‘uncensored’ version of this up as well. Viewers beware: strong language and sexual imagery ahead.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZLd81IHGQw
Tim: Now, my first reaction on hearing this was, well, to quote the song, ‘what the fuck?’ I really don’t get this – not keen at all. Big all over Europe? Really?
Tom: It does have a bit of a beat to it, I guess, but it’s really rather dull. The vocal just sounds bored.
Tim: But then I realised I wasn’t in a club, and so this song wouldn’t work. In a club, we can DANCE, and GO CRAZY.
Tom: Yes.
Tim: We can JUMP TO THE BEAT.
Tom: Yes.
Tim: We can SPIKE FIT GIRLS’ DRINKS.
Tom: …I have a feeling that the target market for this song wouldn’t find that quite as offensive as most of our readers will.
Tim: Well, as far as I know most of our readers aren’t out HAVING IT LARGE in Kavos and Magaluf. For those sorts of places this song is great. At hone? Not so much.
That’s not meant to sound as judgemental as it probably did, by the way.
Tom: It’s a song that requires the volume to be cranked to ear-splitting proportions, and the alcohol to be flowing freely.
Tim: Have you ever ended up drunk and in a kebab shop trying to persuade the bloke who works there to give you a free one? I’m sure that if you have, you wish you could press Rewind. Like these chaps apparently can.
Tom: Because if you can rewind time, making sure you had enough money for another kebab would obviously be the trigger for that.
Tom: Seriously, what’s with this video? I can’t pretend to follow any kind of plot there. And if you’re going to put director credits on it, it feels like it should have a plot.
Tim: Well, there’s sort of a plot. They want a kebab, but then they can’t, so they have to go back in time, where they dance and then get a kebab. Anyway, the music’s sort of like a Swedish Taio and Cruz, if Taio Cruz was two people, that is, and despite all the horrible autotune and the general style of it all, I quite like this. There’s a vaguely decent tune to it, and the added key boost* in the middle eight is a pleasant surprise, as well. Good stuff.
Fans of this can also hear another song they stuck up on YouTube a few days back (via which may or may not have been how I found out about their first single in the first place).
* Is that a phrase? Well, it is now.
Tom: I think I’m more surprised that a kebab only costs about £2 in Sweden, really.
If you hear the words “Official Olympic Torch Relay Song”, I’m guessing your reaction would be the same as mine.
Tom: If you hear the words “Official Olympic Torch Relay Song”, I’m guessing your reaction would be the same as mine: automatically cringing.
Tim: And, erm, ‘Spinnin’? Really?
Tom: Now let’s add to that an unnecessary rap bit.
Tim: Well, naturally.
Tom: Can even Dionne Bromfield – her of the incredible neo-Motown voice – save this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5StF0UJ_lI
Tom: …er, well yes, it appears she can.
Tim: Official Tim reaction: ehh.
Tom: I was expecting something a bit more, well, Brittas Empire. Okay, so it’s all worthy, and the video clearly ticks all the ‘approved by the Olympic organisers’ boxes – British car, shots of London, torch images, street dance groups, and so on.
Tim: With the obligatory Union Jack dress. Well, obligatory since a certain girl band arrived.
Tom: I just didn’t expect the song to be good. It’s not going to get anyone dancing in the streets, but equally – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – except for that appalling middle eight, it’s not a national embarrassment.
Tim: I quite like that bit – the whole ‘music is healing’, everybody getting on nicely idea. Makes me realises that we are Great Britain, a GREAT country. Huzzah!
Tim: I listened to this 32 times in the first 24 hours I had this on my computer, so I have a lot to say.
Tom: Right, then I’ll get out the way and let you say it.
Tim: First, let’s have a game of Dynamic Typeface Bingo.
Tom: Catchy song. So what’ve you got to say about it? I can smell a list approaching.
Tim: Ah, what excellent olfactory senses you have. Item one: Few would deny that out of the three acts so far* from X Factor 2010, these are by far the most likely to succeed. They have the looks, youth and personality of an above-average boyband, they have songs written by songwriters of good and excellent vintage, and if this is anything to go by the music overall is very very good.
Tom: Now that’s a bold claim, given Cher Lloyd’s at number one now, but I reckon you’re right in terms of long-term success.
Tim: Cher Lloyd’s fans genuinely and unironically call themselves ‘brats’. If she wins, this country has actually died and gone to hell. So anyway, item two: The standard test of a boyband’s song: could it easily be performed by a soloist, or is there enough there to justify five of them? Well, I reckon this just about passes – there’s the ‘nobody else’ in the second chorus, and there’s a decent amount of messing around towards the end. And speaking of towards the end, my favourite bit is the sneeze-and-you-miss-it bit after the bridge where whichever one of them it is in the background goes higher for the ‘you light up my world’. I don’t know if it would have been better if more/all of them had done that (though it almost definitely would).
Tom: He does, and I wish I knew what that musical technique was called. It’s an easy way to get an emotional lift – and it works very well here.
Tim: Item three: The meaning and target of this song. I think that to understand this in all its true depth it’s easiest to become somewhat misogynistic, so apologies in advance. Let’s start rating girls, out of ten for tradition’s sake.* One through six – they’re a no-no. Eight and above – yes please. Seven, though, is borderline, and this is where it depends on the self-awareness of the target. (At no other point, please note, does her personality enter the equation.) As long as she reckons she’s a minger, let’s go with her, because she won’t know she’s out of my league. THIS is the girl to whom the song is sung, and everyone else can move along and listen to other music.
* I met a guy once who rated girls on a scale of ‘necessary number of pints’. I’ll let you judge him.
Tom: Seven is borderline? Clearly we work on different calibrations. Either that, or your scale’s logarithmic.
Tim: Fair enough, we’ll have it your way. One through seven’s a no-no, and eight’ll be borderline. But we should be careful not to take the misogyny thing too far.
Tom: That… that’s not what I… oh, never mind.
Tim: Item four.
Tom: Oh boy.
Tim: ITEM FOUR. The above leads us on to a slight logical fallacy, because there is one group of girls not mentioned: the sevens—sorry, eights—that know they’re fit. ISSUE. As soon as they know it, they’re not, at which point they can’t possibly know it because it’s not true. But now they have become beautiful, and so they do know it, and we’re back to where we started. How to correct this: change ‘you don’t know’ to ‘you don’t think’, and everything will be fine. As such, I have e-mailed Syco to request that this happen in all future live performances of the song. (Really, I have.)
Tom: Let me know if you get a reply. I find that while large companies tend to ignore emails, actual letters still get at least a perfunctory response.
Tim: There’s a potential item five that’s in somewhat dodgy territory, based on the fact that the only implication that they’re singing to a female is the ‘don’t need make-up’ line; they could alternatively be singing to a gay guy who feels he’s had to turn to transvestism to hook up with anyone. Since they’re all still impressionable teenagers, though, we’ll leave that for now.
Tom: Yes, let’s.
Tim: So actual item five: This song is absolutely bloody fantastic. If you disagree, then you’ve got it wrong; to prove I’m right, I’ll put it in a song.
Tom: And I’m sure any of our readers who made it this far would love to hear it.
Tim: Here’s a video that takes a rather irritating – some might say inconsiderate – two minutes to actually do anything.
Tom: What is it with music videos getting credits nowadays? Yes, it looks cool, but it’s not a movie. You’re there to show off the music. Lady Gaga can get away with it because her two-minute intros really are spectacles. This is just some people walking into a club.
Tim: And even after all that time, it doesn’t do anything all that great. Sure, it’s a good track, and I do like it – there’s a nice beat to it, decent rhythm, a fairly alright tune and good dance-floor-appropriate lyrics – but it doesn’t really live up to what it should be based on the first few notes.
Tom: I think that’s because the first few notes are actually from Dizzee Rascal’s “Bonkers”.
Tim: Ooh, they are a bit. And when the music originally hit, I thought, ooh, this is going to be a cracker, expecting it to grow a bit, but it didn’t really, which is a bit disappointing.
Tom: You’re right. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, but it’s just… standard. Also, “Gregorgeous”? There’s someone with a high opinion of himself right there.
Tim: Stockholm Pride 2011 had an entirely appropriate official song. This one, in fact.
Tom: Ooh. Someone’s gone all high-concept but low-budget with their video, haven’t they? They’ve reached for the stars and hit… well, they’ve hit something. That’s someone with a graphics tablet and a basic knowledge of After Effects, I reckon. Or MS Paint.
Tim: Interesting idea for the, well, story, I guess, with a somewhat unusual KILL ALL THE HOMOPHOBES vibe to it, which I suppose is meant in a good way rather than a murderous rampage way. Perhaps what they’re imagining Stonewall would have been like if it happened two hundred years later.
As for the music, I love it: it’s great as a dance tune, it’s great as a ‘we’re all gay and it’s fantastic’ song, and is almost inspiring in its way. ‘Try homosexuality! You know there’s a small part of you that’s always wondered, and you really don’t know what you’re missing!’
Tom: They are basically just singing ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’, though. If we rip Cher Lloyd apart for doing nursery rhymes, we should really do the same here. It’s just… a bit uninspired, really. Good production, bad song.
Tim: Fair point about the nursery rhyme, but I wouldn’t say bad song – not by a long way.
Tim: A cover of Diana Ross it would seem, and rather more modern that you might expect (and just so you know, I don’t know the original, so I’ll be judging this as a new song).
Tom: Well, the original featured Michael Jackson and, while not particularly successful, was quite fun – so we’ll see how this one turns out.
Tom: It’s no Michael Jackson, but that’s a good cover.
Tim: Good strong beat throughout, which is always a plus. The verses aren’t all that interesting, but the song really comes alive in the chorus for sone proper hands waving in the air on the dance floor movement, and that redeems it nicely for me. I’ve got to say, though, that I’m a bit disappointed with what happened after the bridge, or more accurately what didn’t happen.
Tom: I know what you mean – I was expecting a big triumphant WHOOMPH out of that, and it didn’t happen.
Tim: Right – the bridge was pretty much just an empty bit of music; following that and the building line of music underneath the beginning of the echoey chorus up to 2:35, that needed something special. Perhaps not a key change (though it’s a while since we’ve seen a decent one here), but at least something to say WE’RE BACK.
Tom: If it’s key changes you’re looking for, you’re going to love this weekend’s Saturday Flashback.
You may remember the fantastic Destiny from last year.
Tim: You may or may not remember the fantastic and so-cheesy-it’s-practically-a-fondue Destiny from the end of last year.
Tom: Ooh, yes! I remember wanting to wave my hands in the air in a manner suggesting that I just didn’t care.
Tim: Upsettingly, they’ve now split up, more or less, and one of them’s gone a bit more grown up and done vocals on a dance track. This one, to be precise.
Tim: Is this bog-standard Eurodance stuff? Absolutely.
Tom: And I couldn’t give a damn. That starts well and keeps going.
Tim: Indeed, although it does have a slight summer beach feel to it. Much as yesterday’s track, this is fairly routine middle-of-the-set keep-people-going stuff, and I rather like it. Mainly because of that summery feel to it, because otherwise it would be entirely generic.
Tom: I doubt it’s going to be on an “All Time Dance Anthems” compilation in five years’ time, but there’s nothing wrong with it at all.
