Christmas – Page 8

Saturday Flashback: Armand Deluxe – Almost Christmas Day

“Just WOW.”

Tim: Hi Tom! You know how you LOVE children in songs? Well, have I got a treat for you!

https://soundcloud.com/thedeluxe/09-almost-christmas-day

Tim: Armand Deluxe puts out a load of Christmas track each year, and this years he’s gathered them all into one finely packaged and delightfully titled album, MISTLETOE&VODKA.

Tom: Ha. Okay, despite your introduction not selling me on this, that’s a bloody fantastic name for an album.

Tim: This one’s from 2011, and just WOW. The idea seems to be basically: put Christmas in a blender and pour it into your speakers, and oh how joyous it is. The lyrics are pretty good, if not entirely intelligible: I think one of my favourite parts is the slight intimation that Santa is actually God, though, which is a lesson we could definitely teach that stinkypoo of a vicar who told kids that Santa’s fictional.

Tom: “They would not barge into one of his services and announce that the story of Jesus was a fiction.” Awkward.

Tim: And yet valid. But anyway, before we get into a needlessly controversial discussion of the nature of existence, the song’s not about the lyrics, and it’s not really even about the frankly wonderful jingly backing and other melody bits. It’s that chorus. That infectious, repetitive chant that right from the start you just know will be there throughout, and to repeat one line a full fifteen times is quite impressive.

Tom: My problem with kids’ choirs in songs like this is that, basically, it’s like using a kazoo when you could have an entire string section. It might start out endearing, but by the end it’s just annoying and not nearly as good as the alternative.

Tim: Do you know, I’d not thought of it that way. Replace these children with, say, a full gospel choir, and it might be even better. But without that, does it need to be four minutes? Could we possibly lose one or two of those final chorus repeats? Maybe, but a line like “Forget what’s been and done when the good times roll, in the morning let Christmas roll” is one worth repeating, even if the rhyming could be a little more imaginative. IT’S GREAT.

Tom: And you know what? I agree with you. And I agree with you for one reason: it ends on a DAH-DAH-DAH-DUM. That’s just joyous. Not enough songs do that.

The Fooo – It’s Time To Make A Wish

“Quick cash-in they didn’t have time to make properly”

Tim: This is the fifth time we’ve featured The Fooo in the past three and a bit months; they do seem to be worth following, though, because here’s a Christmas track.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPHXOOjJvKQ

Tim: Weird thing about this: I would love to feel Christmassy to it, but I just can’t. And I don’t really know why.

Tom: Neither do I — but I think I know why.

Tim: You think? Because it’s there in the lyrics with Christmas all over the place. It’s there in the music, with sleigh bells and all sorts. The pre-chorus in particular is very good. But somehow…somehow the rest leaves something to be desired. And that annoys me. I don’t know if it’s the excessive autotune, or something else entirely, but right now I don’t quite feel that this is what I want. And man, I wish it was. But it just isn’t.

Tom: It’s because the only parts of this that are Christmassy are the bells and a couple of lyrics. The rest of it? Not at all. Change a couple of words, change a bit of instrumentation, and this is another generic boy-band track.

Tim: Dammit, actually, that’s just it. Come on, Fooo, you have the potential to be great. So why can’t you make the effor?

Tom: I’m going to file it under “quick cash-in they didn’t have time to make properly”. Perhaps I’m being uncharitable.

Tim: Annoyingly, I don’t think you are.

The Big Reunion – I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday

“This is an awful, awful cover.”

Tom: We had Comic Relief singles. We had Children in Need singles. I guess ITV is now getting in on the act with Text Santa singles.

Tim: And, of course, the X Factor single, which for the past couple of years has been for Together For Small Lives, which is definitely because they want to be charitable and definitely not because they want to get rid of all the “Let Kill These X Factor Profitable Bastards” Facebook campaigns. Actually, sod my cynicism: why can’t it be both. It’s a good charity, and a not particularly terrible track. Buy it, why don’t you.

Tom: Is it a bit awkward, by the way, that Leona Lewis also covered this? Folks from two ITV shows, both releasing the same cover in the same year. You’d think they could have co-ordinated that better.

Anyway, we asked for two things of Leona track: “this had better be rollicking”, and “capturing the essence” of the original. Now, we’ve decided in the past that we don’t treat charity singles any differently, so let me warn you: this is an awful, awful cover.

Tim: Hahaha – what a wonderful introduction. LET’S HIT PLAY, KIDS!

Tim: There was Alien. Then there was Aliens. AND THEN THERE WAS ALIEN 3.

Tom: It was anaemic, but generally acceptable, I guess, until that unexpected, unnecessary and unforgivable rap middle eight. Then to make matters worse, the saxophone has completely disappeared.

Tim: I don’t know – I actually found that rap very moving and profoundly thought-provoking. Well, at least the first time I heard it. Then I heard it again and noticed that “there’s people without no food to eat” was a double negative and then that entirely ruined it. SORRY ABS MUST TRY HARDER.

Tom: And then an “IT’S CHRISTMAS!” shouted? That’s the wrong band! That’s Slade! And then all the timing’s messed up! You’ve ruined Christmas, ITV. YOU’VE RUINED CHRISTMAS.

Tim: No, no I won’t quite have that. Because right now, there’s only one supergroup that matters for me. And ITV are also responsible for that. So they’re even. But if it wasn’t for that, then yes, ITV. YOU’VE RUINED CHRISTMAS. BECAUSE THIS IS AWFUL.

Saturday Flashback: Pet Shop Boys – It Doesn’t Often Snow At Christmas

“So many bells.”

Tim: Yes, they did a Christmas track – originally in 1997 as a fan club exclusive, and now the updated and re-edited version from the Christmas 2009 EP.

Tom: So many bells. So much promise from that initial, pounding synth line. That first verse, though…

Tim: Yeah, I can’t lie to you: a minute in I was close to giving up on this track, because as we all know Christmas is amazing and there’s just no need for this sort of negativity. Then, though, the strange BING CROSBY shout-out happened, and I was intrigued, and then, oh, then that fantastic chorus.

Tom: Yep. Everything about this is wonderful apart from that odd, atonal verse — and I suppose I can forgive that, because without darkness how can there be light etc etc MERRY CHRISTMAS

Tim: Because obviously, it doesn’t always snow at Christmas and yes, I suppose technically some of the other points they make are valid, but damn, it’s still wonderful and we still need to celebrate everything that’s right about it. How do we do that?

Tom: Bells.

Tim: Bells indeed, along with a wonderful chorus, the aforementioned weird shout-out, and occasional Hark The Herald Angels Sing refrain, because why not? As we all know, they sing GLORY, and that really does sum up this track. GLORY TO THE PET SHOP BOYS. Go on – I dare you to sing that in church this year.

Tom: Wait, you go to church at Christmas?

Tim: Oh yes – Jeffries family Christmas Eve tradition. Nice baked ham in the evening, then the grown-ups stay at home eating cheese and talking about grown-up stuff, the kids go to the pub and we all meet up in the church at 11:30, ready to sing our hearts out. Norwich loves us.

Joe McElderry – Wonderful Dream (Holidays Are Coming)

“I think this might actually be the end of civilisation.”

Tim: Something I only learned (and was genuinely amazed by) a few days ago: this song wasn’t written purely for the Coke advert.

Tom: Huh. And despite generally trying to avoid adverts, even I’ve heard of that.

Tim: At least, that’s what I thought briefly, until I checked a bit further and found Wikipedia was really badly worded (who’d have thought?).

Tom: Ah, fair enough. So let me get this straight: it was written for the commercial, and then got turned into a track?

Tim: Indeed – in 2001 an American singer decided to, um, expand it (probably the most generous term possible) and the result is now actually a staple of German festive radio. And now our little Joe (as, I’m reliably informed, everybody in South Shields refers to him) has gone and covered it.

Tom: So a reality show winner, singing a song based on an advertising jingle. I’m not sure, but I think this might actually be the end of civilisation.

Tim: Yeah, thought I’d have trouble getting you on board, but I actually like the whole thing. It sounded weird at first, because it’s basically two songs being played at the same time – the advert underneath it, then some verses, a new chorus and some extra tune being written around it, and so what if the choruses end up on top of each other?

Tom: Aye; it sounds like a not-particularly-competent mashup.

Tim: But here’s why it’s brilliant: first, both of the songs have amazing lyrics. “Holidays are coming” is, yes, generic American nonsense, but it’s permeated over here and it sounds great, and “a wonderful dream of love and peace/joy and fun for everyone” can only really be disliked by someone with the emotional reach of the Grinch.

Tom: Hello.

Tim: Yup. Second: because it’s from the Coke advert. I know it’s all commercial and awful and everything, but damn, that’s one happy advert.

Tom: Speak for yourself.

Tim: So is this another unnecessary cover? Well, let’s be honest, it’s an unnecessary song, because if there’s one trend we really don’t need it’s existing adverts being made into full length songs, but I reckon it’s a very enjoyable unnecessary song, and if the cover hadn’t happened I’d not have known that this song existed at all, and my life would be that much less complete. So it’s GREAT.

Amanda Jenssen – Christmas Fool

Tim: Off the top of your head: most miserable Christmas song?

Tom: I lost the damn Get Through December Without Hearing That Goddamn Pogues Song challenge last week, so I’m going to go with that.

Tim: I’m still successful in that, actually, but you’re wrong. It’s this.

Tim: Well, I say that, and it’s kind of true – it starts off with a gunshot, the voice begins almost inviting you to tie yourself a noose with its tone, the music has you searching Google Earth for your nearest tall building and the lyrics are just the sort of thing to make you reach for your nearest bumper pack of paracetamol.

Tom: You say that, but it’s just not affecting me in the same way: that voice sounds like it’s out of an old Western movie, all smoky and tuneful, and that chorus is lovely. I found it calming and, well, a bit Christmassy; that middle eight had me smiling.

Tim: Well, if you’ll LET ME FINISH, I’ll actually agree with that. Because despite the fact that ninety seconds in (and despite a brief respite in the chorus), I’m pretty much reaching for the petrol canister—

Tom: Well, if the album is called “Hymns for the Haunted”, I can understand it. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say: I really like it.

Tim: EXCUSE ME, STILL TALKING. DESPITE THAT (and now I’ve pretty much run out of ways to squeeze in any more suicide methods), fifteen seconds later, it develops. The backing choir re-emerges, the voice becomes more melodic and it actually becomes vaguely manageable. Later still, the guitar joins in, and it’s almost downright pleasant. Except for the fact that her pronunciation keeps making me think she’s singing about Chris Moyles.

Tom: Chris…mas… Moyles. Oh, come on. That’s ruined the song for me now.

Tim: OH WELL.

Michaela de la Cour – Xmas

That might be the laziest Christmas track I’ve heard.

Tim: That’s right – just ‘Xmas’. And the brevity of the title is, in some respects, an indicator of things to come.

Tom: That might be the laziest Christmas track I’ve heard. What the hell were they thinking?

Tim: “RIGHT THEN,” thinks Michaela, formerly of Army of Lovers, “CHRISTMAS IS AMAZING, so let’s do a Christmas tune. Though, oh, can I really be bothered composing something new? Probably not. I know, I’ll just stick a few GarageBand loops together, and I should probably put some tinkly stuff on at the end. Should probably have some words, um, oh, well, people like saying Merry Christmas, don’t they? And capital cities as well, why not. DONE. Right, now LET’S HAVE FUN with the video. Has anyone got a human brain I can put a Santa hat on?”

Tom: Yep, that just about sums up it up.

Tim: And thus, it was. Music with a festivity rating of 0/10, lyrics with a festivity rating of 1/10 and a video with a festivity rating of 11/10. Oh, it’ll do.

Tom: It really won’t.

Tim: No, you’re right, it won’t.

Saturday Flashback: Shirley Clamp – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

“Woefully inappropriate”

Tim: Okay, so we’re done with our week of British festive tracks; let’s head over to where the good stuff lies. For this track, bear in mind what we’ve mentioned about maintaining the spirit of the original.

Tom: Just a reminder here that we’re probably due a Band Aid 30 next year. Band Aid 20 was nine years ago… and it was sold on iTunes. Time moves pretty fast.

Tom: That… that is energetic.

Tim: The Band Aid version is arguably the Christmas charity single to dominate them all. It’s deep, it’s explicit in what it’s saying, and while there’s a levity to it you never forget what it’s about. Well, unless you’re Shirley and you’re singing it, because, damn, could no-one have told her what it’s about?

Tom: There is a fairly inappropriate level of RAVE to this, isn’t there? There are plenty of songs that this treatment works for, but I’m really not sure this is one of them.

Tim: Right – and don’t get me wrong, I love a god pop banger as must as the next sensible person, but the idea of jumping around to a poppers o’clock rave tune about people starving of hunger just doesn’t quite sit right. That won’t stop me of course, because it’s a fantastic cover – just also woefully inappropriate.

Bad Religion – White Christmas

“Better known for songs like ‘Better off Dead’.”

Tom: Earlier this week, Tim, you said that a cover has to maintain the spirit of the original.

Tom: And I was all about to say that you were about to be disproved by an LA punk band that started in 1979, but you know what? The instrumentation may be different, the band may be better known for songs like “Better off Dead“, but I reckon the spirit’s still here.

Tim: You know, I think you’re right – there’s the sort of yearning in the voice, that almost stands out against the harsh backing, which does make this a very close fit. A surprising fit, but a close one nonetheless.

Tom: The spirit of O Come All Ye Faithful, though? Possibly not.

Tim: Haha, that just screams ‘drunk hobo at the back of the church’ – vocally, I’d have to hand the crown for that song to Twisted Sister.

Tom: I couldn’t actually get through that video. I think I’ll stick with punk.

Kim Wilde & Nik Kershaw – Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

“What does this add to the world?”

Tom: Despite the public only knowing one of her songs, Kim Wilde has had a pretty long career in music. Although apparently she’s a bit hard up at the moment, hence doing a load of adverts and putting out a Christmas album.

Tom: At this point, I’m just tempted to have a sign ready that just says “UNNECESSARY COVER”. What does this add to the world? A really cheesy outro line? An unnecessary video based on irritating people in a quiet carriage? A keytar? (Okay, so the keytar’s pretty good.)

Tim: Yeah, unnecessary’s probably a good word, especially since it’s hard to distinguish much between this and the one she did twenty-odd years ago.

Tom: Yes – the Mel Smith dedication at the end is based on the first time that Kim put this single out. It was for Comic Relief, and it’s terrible even by the standards of the era. Even without the Rolf Harris reference.

Tim: Though the video, it’s worth noting, is most likely inspired by her slightly inebriated antics of last December, so it’s nice to know she can at least laugh at herself slightly.