Category: Christmas

The KFC Choir – The Taste That Unites

AND THEN THE GOSPEL CHOIR EMERGED.

Tim: Last year, we did the John Lewis advert. Two years back, The Churned. 2010, Shakeaway. We therefore have form for one advert a year, so WE’RE DOING THIS.

Tom: And as is traditional, I’ll be handing the reins entirely over to Tim for this one, because I’m not even clicking that link.

Tim: Fine. Be like that.

Tim: First off, let’s ignore the fact that any family that has KFC for their main Christmas meal deserves to be force-fed nothing but said eleven herbs and spices until they vomit herbs and crap spices all over the kitchen floor. And now that’s said, assume (or at least please try to pretend) we’re happy with the idea of KFC for Christmas. Yes? Oh, of course, you’re pretending you’re not listening.

I’ll be honest with you: by two minutes in I was already entranced by this advert. AND THEN THE GOSPEL CHOIR EMERGED. And oh my word, I haven’t heard such a glorious key change since, oh, to be honest I’ve not kept track but flipping heck that wonderful isn’t it? ISN’T IT? You don’t need to answer, because YES.

But of course, it’s not all about the (wonderful) music, there’s the lyrics as well, especially with this being a ‘comedy’ song. And that’s where it (slightly) falls down. Yes, they got in jokes about childhood incontinence, and the current culture of litigation, so well done because those are quite good. But somehow they didn’t realise that “let’s come together at Christmas time” might just possibly, slightly, maybe, in a comedy song, be misconstrued a little bit.

Anyway, deliberate or otherwise, I love it. Christmas is about commercialism, and this is it. Wonderfully, this is it.

Tom: Congratulations, Tim. You’ve found the true spirit of Christmas. We can all go home now.

Leona Lewis – I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

“This had better be rollicking.”

Tim: The first week of December last year, we filled with new Scandinavian Christmas tunes. This year, let’s start by looking at this side of the North Sea with this, one of the tracks off her Christmas album that’s out today.

Tom: Really? She’s going to cover one of the most iconic British Christmas songs there is? This had better be rollicking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LGe8Ctc6jo

Tim: First of, the big thing: it’s not Wizzard feat. Roy Wood. Of course it isn’t, and if you’re anything like me, at eight seconds in you thought “oh, what the [rude word]* has she done to this, and what the [rude word] is that weird dog thing?” Thirty eight seconds later, you thought, “Oh, THIS is what she’s done (though that is still a weird dog thing).”

*I’ve said that in anger before. This does not, remotely, deserve that sort of anger.

Tom: That’s pretty much my thought process, apart from recognising the weird dog thing as, well, a dog.

Tim: Bloody weird dog, though. So the trick to covering a song: capturing the essence. The main thing.

Tom: Ooh, now I disagree there. There are some spectacular covers that completely change the original (Pulp’s All Time High comes to mind) — but I’ll grant you that, if you’re covering something this iconic and well-known, you have to either change it entirely or you have to be faithful enough that you even keep in the little twiddly bits of instrumentation that were probably improvised by the original band.

Does that makes sense? Anyway, I’m glad to say: she’s at least managed that. Is this cover necessary? No. Is it passable? Well, yes. It’s not actually bad.

Tim: Well, you say she’s managed it, but the main thing with the original here was the kids choir, and the “Okay, you lot, take it!” Now, we’re in a post-Yewtree social media era, so that’s slightly #awkward…

Tom: That is actually the single worst sentence you’ve ever written for this site. Worse than the Barrowman moment.

Tim: Hmm. I’d say it’s currently tied with the synagogue line, actually. But moving speedily back to CHRISTMAS and HAPPINESS, this could still be improved with kids, however much you, Tom, hate them.

On the other hand, there is the glorious closing line that Roy Wood just could not match if he spent a decade trying, and the fact that this really is the best ‘classic’ Christmas tune of the lot, whatever the Pogues or Gary Glitter fanatics would have you believe, so, God I’m damned if I can find a real flaw in this. It’s WONDERFUL.

Leona Lewis – One More Sleep

Get pissed on the mulled wine, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Tim: That’s right – another Friday, and another stupidly early Christmas track from an artist who should know better.

Tom: Oh, crikey. It’s not even November yet.

Tim: The first second is filled with sleigh bells, the first word sung is ‘snow’ – yep, this is a festive song, and it’s taking the road of loneliness.

Tom: Or at least, anticipation.

Tim: I’m not quite sure I get this, though – she knows her sweetheart’s coming home on Christmas day, and in the meantime is apparently choosing just to mope around getting bored. Why is this? You’ve already said he’s home on the 25th, so quit with all the ‘staring at the window’ and bloody have some fun. Surprise him! Bake him a cake, or decorate the front of the house with ludicrous amounts of coloured lighting. Buy him a massive present, and go to a Christmas Eve party and get pissed on the mulled wine. Just stop feeling sorry for yourself. He’ll be having fun, so why can’t you?

Tom: Musically, though?

Tim: Musically, though – good lord, it’s utterly wonderful.

Tom: Yep. It’s another one taking its cue from the retro, hyper-saturated, reverberating performances of years ago. The Wall of Sound is back in fashion, folks: the revival of Disco Christmas has passed by.

Tim: YES.

Tom: I can only assume that by 2040 it’ll be Dubstep Christmas.

Tim: Oh.

Kelly Clarkson – Underneath The Tree

Only 68 days to go!

Tim: With only sixty eight days to go, do you fancy the first of this year’s Christmas offerings?

Tom: No! No, no, no.

Tim: Yes!

Tim: Is it too early? God, yes, of course it is, although it’s already two weeks since Westfield put their Christmas lights up. But my word, that’s a good Christmas track, isn’t it?

Tom: Annoyingly, I have to agree with you. This is a brilliant Christmas track, absolutely brilliant. It’s got a Phil Spector Wall of Sound going on, only without the murder conviction.

Tim: This checks every single box necessary, and then some. Chiming bells, yes. Sleigh bells, yes. An immediate LISTEN TO ME AND BE FESTIVE start, oh very much so. And a sax solo! Where did that come from?

Tom: Santa, I can only assume.

Tim: Stylistically, this is very, very much along the lines of Mariah Carey, and that is absolutely wonderful. Another Christmas classic? Well, obviously time alone will tell, but it certainly has the markings of it. So LET’S DO CHRISTMAS!!!!

Tom: Just not yet. Please.

Tim: Oh, and if you’d not worked it out from the artwork here, there’s a Clarkson Christmas album headed our way this year. Seven days from now, in fact. WONDERFUL.

Scott Mills & His Pigs in Blankets – The Perfect Christmas Single

“It’s a good pun.”

Tim: Tom, you may not like us featuring this.

Tom: You’re damn right.

Tim: You think it’s not a ‘proper song’*, it’s a radio feature, born purely of the realisation that there haven’t really been any enduring Christmas songs since the early 1990s (except possibly The Darkness’ one). So, the idea went, let’s make one. Let’s get guests in to talk about what it should be. Let’s imbue it with every single thing a Christmas song should have. And thus, it was made.

* Quite what qualifies as a proper song these days, though, is a lengthy discussion for another time.

Tom: And thus, it was crap.

Tom: …wait, that’s not actually that bad. What? Ah: it’s Frisky and Mannish who’ve written it. That makes sense.

Tim: Well, sort of – music by them, words by Scott and Chris and Beccy off his show. Anyway, the tricks: sleigh bells: yes. Church bells: yes. Appalling and brilliant pun: yes.

Tom: Yeah, I’ll give them that pun. It’s a good pun.

Tim: Smidgen of innuendo: yes. Nod to the fact that some people aren’t happy: yes. Snippets of conversation: yes.

Tom: No. That doesn’t help anything. I don’t care what the song is: it didn’t work for Gareth Gates and the Kumars, it doesn’t work anywhere.

Tim: You say that, but Mel & Kim’s version of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree was about fifty per cent conversational, and that did alright. But still more: gentle key change: yes. Shouty bit from Noddy Holder: yes. And once you add in a piss-take of Band Aid 20’s rapping, I don’t think there’s anything missing. This is, much like the subject of the song, the perfect Christmas single. Textbook, to the letter. And lovely.

Tom: Look, it’s Christmas. I’ll try not to be too grumpy. Can I just say “it’s not as bad as I thought” and leave it at that?

Tim: I’ll take that. Merry Christmas, Tom.

Tom: Merry Christmas, Tim.

The Killers – I Feel It In My Bones

“A motorbike-riding, eggnog-swilling, grenade-chucking Santa.”

Tom: Well, it seems only fitting that since we discussed the Killers’ previous Christmas single on Saturday, we should discuss the current one on this Christmas Eve. Again, the profits go to Project Red.

Tom: Now that was a bit darker than last year. A motorbike-riding, eggnog-swilling, grenade-chucking Santa hunting down the Killers. It ain’t exactly Christmas robots and a cowboy ball, is it?

Tim: Not really, no. In fact, not by a hell of a long way.

Tom: But you know what this reminds me of? Chris Rea. I mean that in a good way: have a listen to the wonderful Looking For The Summer and tell me that they don’t match in style.

Tim: No, they do, but that doesn’t make it a nice happy Christmas song, which is what I’d prefer to this almost-as-miserable-as-Mud track.

Tom: And while I may not enjoy it quite as much as last year’s light-and-fluffy offering… well, it’s still fun, and I still like it. Well done, the Killers.

Tim: Fun? FUN? Are you serious? It’s one of the most downbeat Christmas songs I’ve heard. How it is possibly fun?

Tom: Oh, come on, the video’s got Santa with candy-cane nunchucks.

Tim: SANTA SHOULDN’T HAVE NUNCHUCKS.

Saturday Flashback: The Killers – The Cowboys’ Christmas Ball

“Isn’t that just brilliant?”

Tim: Slightly-known festive music fact: every year since 2006, The Killers have released a Christmas track with profits going to the Product Red campaign. Very good of them, and this one’s from last year.

Tim: And isn’t that just brilliant?

Tom: Oh, my word, that’s lovely. I like everything about that. It still sounds like the Killers despite also being country-and-western and Christmassy.

My two complaints – and they’re a very minor ones – are: one, that no-one seems to know where the apostrophe goes in the title…

Tim: Hmm…

Tom: …and two, that the tinkly glockenspiel bit sounds like it’s always going to go off into some traditional Christmas tune, and never quite does.

Tim: Yes, both very minor.

Tom: But I only mention those because I can’t think of anything else to say other than “just lovely”. Those last four lines and the ‘boom-boom’ at the end? THEY’RE JUST LOVELY.

Tim: Wow – do you know, I think that’s the first time any track on here has got you excited enough to shout about it. I’m impressed.

The lyrics are all taken from a poem off the 19th century that describes, well, a Cowboys’ Christmas Ball, and I reckon the music they’ve provided more than does justice to such a triumphant event. Strangely enough, the 1890 text doesn’t mention any sort of alien robots at all, but never mind because personally I’d far rather be at a party with alien robots than without, given the option, especially if they’ve all just saved us from the bad guys.

Tom: Damn right.

Tim: Amazing. So, shall we do-ce-do?

Tom: You lead.

Tim: Madam, it would be my honour.

Saturday Flashback: East 17 – Stay Another Day

This song is very, very Christmassy

Tim: Yes, we’re doing this. Because you’ll recall that last Friday we were at a pop night and you expressed doubts that this was a particularly festive song. So now we’ll probe further.

Tom: Christmas 1994. I was ten years old. You know, I think this was just after the point when I figured out that pop music existed. There’s still a copy of Now 30, on double cassette, somewhere in my parents’ house.

Tim: I will accept that this song has flaws: it has an excessive number of chorus repeats at the end, the video is utterly ludicrous and “I touch your face while you are sleeping” is one of the creepiest lyrics that’s ever been written.

Tom: It does just keep going, doesn’t it? But at the same time: that timpani roll at the start sets the scene for what’s to come so well: it’s a very, very, good pop track. I don’t think it deserves quite such an outro, but at least it doesn’t repeat-until-fade.

Tim: This is true. But you may still say that as a Christmas record, it’s flawed: the bells at the end, after all, were only added at the last minute when the cynical producer realised it would be released in December, the snowy video was made after this when they realised it had become a Christmas hit, and if you think this is a typical romantic “please don’t leave me” song, please don’t look it up on Wikipedia, because it may well ruin Christmas forever.

Tom: You know, I’ve never seen that video before, and one thing strikes me: what on earth is going on with Brian Harvey’s earrings? I know it was the 90s, but… blimey.

Tim: Strange, yes. But regardless of any of these issues, this song is, undeniably, very, very Christmassy. Why? Those bells. That’s all it is – just the bells. Because those chiming bells are more than enough to get absolutely everyone at the Christmas work do, without exception, to put down their drinks and head to the dancefloor, either with a loved one to hold onto, or as a group, arms round each other, shouting along merrily. This happened last Friday when it was the last song of the night, and it will happen at every single Christmas party from now until the end of time. And that is what makes it a festive song.

Tom: I’d forgotten about those bells. And I can’t help but agree with you.

Saturday Flashback: Magnus Carlsson – Wrap Myself In Paper

Where the hell was the key change?

Tim: We’ll finish the Christmas week with this 2006 track. According to the lyrics, we should do this on the 17th, but this year that’s a Monday; needless to say I’m incredibly annoyed I forgot to do this as a Saturday Flashback last year.

Tim: Let’s get the disappointment out of the way first: that was so clearly building up to a key change, so where the hell was it?

Tom: Musical blueballs, Tim. And I’m not sure, but I think the 90s just came back to haunt me. Talk about ghosts of Christmas past. That’s not a bad thing – I just reckon it was about a decade too late.

Tim: Mr Carlsson has recorded a number of Christmas covers (notably of Mariah Carey and John Lennon), but this is his first original track, and it comes with such a disturbing idea that I’m really rather glad he didn’t do another.

Tom: Oh good, I’m glad it wasn’t just me that picked that out.

Tim: Good lord, no. Dedication to your loved one is all well and good, but he’s going to be wrapped up under the tree for eight days. No food, no water. And to be honest, however much he may want to provide her with a perfect present what with all his love and all that, his rotting carcass is probably not what she’s going to expect, or really appreciate.

Tom: The worst part is that “It’s Christmas in a week and a day” could easily be replaced by “just one day”, or even “Christmas is just hours away” or something like that. I know songs don’t have to make sense, but this is more noticeable than most.

Tim: “Did you get what you were hoping for?” “Sort of – my boyfriend promised his everlasting love, which was nice and all that, but now I’ve got his corpse to keep forever, and it’s starting to smell a bit, so am I allowed to throw it out?”

Elisa’s – Christmas Is Here

“This. Is. Lovely. Like, cry your eyes out lovely. “

Tim: This. Is. Lovely. Like, cry your eyes out lovely.

Tom: Tim has now reached the stage of Emotional Drunk. He’s probably going to tell me that I’m his besht mate by the end of this review.

Tim: Oh, isn’t it just JOYOUS? Yes, there’s the Band Aid-style “we’re not all fortunate” idea, but let’s do our best to ignore that, because I am CRYING with happiness at the Christmas is lovely, so here comes the key change.* It’s SO WONDERFUL.

*Though I might also be crying with the final realisation that my liver is slowly but irreversibly degenerating.

Tom: This song is basically calculated to hit every possible emotional button. It even sort-of works on me, and I’m about as bitter-hearted a cynic as you can get round here.

Tim: This is, I suppose, the idea of this sort of song. It’s great, we have Christmas, we have lovely music, but we have to remember there are people who don’t. But I say, yes there are. But I BOUGHT THE BAND AID SONG. So I am ALLOWED TO ENJOY MYSELF. And so there are two ways to proceed; let’s do a text-based flowchart:

  1. Have you done anything vaguely charitable in the past twelve months? YES: move to 3. NO: continue.
  2. Click here, then pay a massive 79p. Move to 3.
  3. ENJOY CHRISTMAS.

You can now morally reject the scaremongering. You can HAVE FUN. You can WEEP TEARS OF JOY at this BEAUTIFUL SONG. Give presents, and LOVE THAT KEY CHANGE. AND JUST LOVE EVERYTHING. EVERYONE. WE’RE ALL AMAZING. WOOOOHOOOO.

Tom: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.