Mainstream – Page 69

Cover Drive feat. Dappy – Explode

“Now now, don’t be so negative.”

Tom: I assume, sometimes incorrectly, that any track with Dappy on it is going to be bad. It’s the hats, the look, and the name that sounds like a reject from the Seven Dwarves.

Tim: Now now, don’t be so negative. We liked Rockstar, and I quite liked No Regrets. Although there is his current track Come With Me, which I’m not even going to link to, and you’re right, he is a bit of a tit, so we’ll see.

Tom: And despite not particularly rating Cover Drive’s number 1 from earlier in the year, I’m willing to give this a chance.

Tom: …well, consider that chance blown.

Tim: Hmm…yeah.

Tom: It’s not a bad track, by any means – Cover Drive’s section is pretty damn good, for my money, and it’s a decent fusion of Barbadian music and regular pop that manages to somehow steer clear of sounding too much like Peter Andre.

Tim: I can sort of agree with that – can’t really get with it myself but okay.

Tom: But then Dappy comes back in. He’s back to stereotypical form rather than the quite-clever, decent-singer that we heard in Rockstar. It’s over quite quickly, I suppose, but that’s small comfort. Without him, it’d be a decent track: but with him, man, I don’t want to hear this again.

Tim: I’ll pass it throughout, but you’re right – he does lower the tone. But maybe he has good periods and bad periods – this is a low, but six months from now he might be vaguely good. Possibly.

The Script feat. will.i.am – Hall of Fame

It’s Blatant Not-Quite-Olympic Cash-In Time!

Tom: It’s Blatant Not-Quite-Olympic Cash-In Time! Are you looking for a song that’ll work in the background of montages when you can’t license the official Olympic tracks? Well, has Danny O’Whatshisface—

Tim: O’Donaghue

Tom: —whatever. Has he got a track for you.

Tim: I LIKE THAT A LOT. Except for the video, which is a bit shit.

Tom: In my head, Danny O’Donnelly—

Tim: O’Donaghue

Tom: —whatever. In my head, he spent hours following will.i.am round during downtime on the set of the Voice, pestering him until he finally agreed to guest on a Script track. That’s almost certainly not what happened, though.

Tim: Probably not. But the actual song, I reckon’s pretty good. Sure, it doesn’t end up being as inspirational as it probably wants to be, but it’s decent enough nonetheless. The chorus is a bit of a belter, and the lyrics are the sort of ones that would get you going if you wanted it. When it comes back and the end, different bits all piled on top of each other, that’s just lovely.

Tom: Somehow it seems more like a pale imitation of inspiration, just going through the motions. That said, I started liking Muse’s Olympic single after a few listens, so what do I know?

Tim: Yeah, that was weird.

Tom: The thing is, the most insightful comment I have about this is to continue our occasional rant about how lyric videos – which are only cheap when you compare them to ‘proper’ music videos – still don’t get proofread properly. Apostrophe’s, people. Learn to use them.

Tim: Shame, because because I really like it. (And I see what you did there, with the whole apostrophe thing. It’s good.)

Tom: Thank’s. Other than that: I… I don’t know. I got nothin’. For a track that’s meant to be inspirational, it sure isn’t inspiring me.

Pitbull feat. Shakira – Explode

Everything about this is brilliant. Apart from Pitbull.

Tom: Everything about this is brilliant. Apart from Pitbull.

Tim: Yes, I can agree with you there.

Tom: Listen to Shakira’s vocal. It’s astonishingly good. And the slowly building instrumentation underneath it, suddenly blasting out into a brilliant dance track… it’s fantastic. I want the whole track to be like this.

Tim: So do I, and I particularly like the middle eight closing bit and then firing out that triumphant end section.

Tom: But it’s not. It’s got Pitbull in it. Bragging about himself and his travels. Again.

Tim: Actually, he seems to be calling himself Mr Worldwide here, so at least he’s got a character he’s sticking to.

Tom: Oh, that’s been his nickname for a while. How do I know that? Because he mentions it in every goddamn track of his I hear. I swear he’s given himself the name, like a kid in school trying to be cool. He’s got a decent flow and voice, I’ll give him that, but heaven forbid he do anything interesting or smart with it. Put someone else in this, or better yet put no-one else in this, and it’d be wonderful.

Tim: Yes.

Scouting for Girls – Summertime in the City

“Perhaps ‘terrible’ is too strong a word.”

Tom: Last time we covered a Scouting for Girls track, I gave this formula that fits every one of their tracks, and suggested they never break that mould:

Earnest vocals over inoffensive piano, guitar and drums; vocal harmonies in the background from half way through the song; quiet piano bridge ramping up to undeservedly triumphant final chorus.

Well, they’ve broken that mould.

Tom: And it’s terrible.

Tim: What? No it isn’t. It’s good, no?

Tom: Well, perhaps ‘terrible’ is too strong a word. It’s pop music, after all. It’s no INJU5TICE. But – backing ripped from an MIA track, chorus suggesting the Lovin’ Spoonful original “Summer in the City” but never quite getting there, lyrics that could have been written by an eight-year-old. It’s inoffensive pop and it probably won’t do badly, but it ain’t going to be a classic, that’s for sure.

Tim: Well, if you pull it apart like that then yes, you make it sound bad, and there’s not a whole lot I can disagree with (especially with regard to the lyrics). But you don’t mention it all coming together and fitting well enough to make a tune that I’m still humming two hours later.

Tom: Really? I can barely remember it at all. I’ve just got a nagging feeling of irritation.

Tim: Fair enough, and you’re right, it’s not a classic. But terrible? Absolutely not.

Amelia Lily – You Bring Me Joy

“BOOK ME A FLIGHT, BILL!”

Tom: AMELIA! LILY! Sorry, whenever we get an X Factor single come along, I get Peter Dickson’s voice doing the announcing in my head.

Tim: Hmm, for me it’s just the interesting ones that stick out – FRANKIE COCOZZA! SOPHIE HABIBIS! RACHEL ADEJEJI! Anyway, just to warn you, the upcoming video is as predictable and boring as they come, it bears little to no resemblance to what the song’s about and if we’re honest probably wasn’t worth the effort.

Tom: “Road trip in America? That worked for Bromance. And it’ll mean I can get a jolly to California on expenses. BOOK ME A FLIGHT, BILL!”

Tim: Erm, ‘Bill’…?

Tom: I’m seeing him as the long-suffering PA of the music video director. There might be a sitcom there.

Tim: I’d watch that. Or certainly the first episode, to see if you’d done a good job of it. Anyway, this music.

Tim: Actually, we’ll do the music quickly, because I want to talk (and probably end up shouting) about the video. It’s a very danceable track, with nice voice and a great beat and it’s likely to be a radio and club mainstay for the time being what with it being X Factor and all.

Tom: Yep, can’t disagree with that. Found myself tapping my feet along to it – it’s a by-the-numbers track, but unlike yesterday’s robotic effort, this seems to have a bit of passion to it.

Tim: Anything else, before we move on to the important stuff?

Tom: One other thing, actually: it’s a REPEAT UNTIL FADE! How long has it been since we’ve had a repeat until fade? That’s positively retro these days!

Tim: And just as annoying as ever. But no matter, because that fades into nothing when compared to the video, which is just – what? It starts off on the right track – she’s looking a bit melancholy on the road trip, thinking back to a guy she’s recently taken a break with (I’m extrapolating a bit, but I think that’s right), and not having quite as much fun as the others in her group, occasionally accompanied by some reminiscent imagery. But then we get to a petrol station, and she meets a fit guy and – surprise surprise – goes to a beach party.

Tom: “BILL! I need some generic attractive people for a beach party. I might get drunk and try and sleep with one of them after we wrap. Get on it.”

Tim: Which would all be fine – Mr Hot Abs is exactly what she wants, a quick fling and she’ll decide one way or the other about the first guy – except that the music and lyrics stay EXACTLY THE SAME. The whole time she’s singing about feeling sad and confused but actually being all happy and well up for it, and it MAKES NO SENSE. I HATE THIS VIDEO.

Tom: You got a bit angry there.

Tim: Yep. Shouting.

Parade – Light Me Up

Unexpected drum and bass backing!

Tim: The Saturdays have just celebrated their fifth birthday; here’s a fairly new girl group that are presumably hoping for the same sort of success (perhaps even with a number 1 thrown in for good measure).

Tom: Unexpected drum and bass backing! Genuinely surprised by that – and it’s a sign of how that particular backing has become almost old-fashioned in pop music. Things move pretty fast.

Tim: They do, which is often nice, unless it’s something you’re particularly attached to. Oh, Flip & Fill.

(just having a moment here)

Tom: Do you… do you want to be alone?

Tim: Err, no, I think I’m done now. Right, this song. Verses: standardish, but not at all bad. Pre-chorus: a tad dull. Chorus: amazing, and to be honest it wouldn’t surprise me if it turned out that the pre-chorus was toned down deliberately just to highlight this. Dubstep breakdown: simultaneously came out of nowhere and entirely failed to surprise me.

(Sidenote: I like the way this lyric video demonstrates the visual difference between genres; I’m not sure it’s been done before.)

Second part of the middle-eight: lovely, gently bringing us back to the aforementioned amazing chorus. Which is amazing. Isn’t it?

Tom: I wouldn’t go so far as “amazing” for the chorus, but it’d certainly keep me dancing, and I can’t ask for more than that.

Underworld – Caliban’s Dream

“Wait – when did you stop hating everything Olympic?”

Tom: I’m slightly behind the times here – I’ve only just realised that the Olympic opening ceremony music has been released as an album. And I know this doesn’t count as any kind of pop, really, but damn it, I’ve fallen in love with the flame-lighting music.

Tim: But…but wait – when did you stop hating everything Olympic?

Tom: During the opening ceremony – when it stopped being about corporations, sponsorship and travel disruption and started being about people, history and achievement. Not a flippant answer, I know, but true.

Tim: True for you and also, I reckon, about another 62 million people.

Tom: There are quite a few “featurings” here, more than enough to fit in our title: Alex Trimble from Two Door Cinema Club, Only Men Aloud, the Dockhead Choir, Elizabeth Roberts, Esme Smith and – amazingly – Dame Evelyn Glennie.

Tim: Don’t forget the demons and Satan himself.

Tom: What?

Tim: You know – like Trevor Nelson said in the commentary, how Danny Boyle worked hard with the boys from the underworld. I liked that.

Tom: Bloody Trevor Nelson.

I think partly the reason I like this so much is because of remembering what went with it: sitting in a house party, all cynicism having been melted away by (Sir, surely?) Danny Boyle’s opening ceremony, and then being gobsmacked by the actual torch lighting.

Tim: A very impressive moment, that was. I actually missed the ceremony live because I was in a pub, but I did watch it on a train on the way to Leicester the next day, so that counts.

Tom: I remember wondering what this music was – and now I know. Specially composed by Underworld. Yes, it’s a piece from a soundtrack rather than an actual pop single, and yes, it defies all common structure and reviewing methods – but that hasn’t stopped it being being in the iTunes Top 10 all week.

Tim: Deservedly so, because it is lovely. Not necessarily to pay attention to constantly, but to listen to while you’re relaxing or reading or something, and you can sit up and pay attention every now and again when choirs come in and sing or at that bit five minutes in. Lovely for that.

Tom: And then Paul McCartney turned up to sing “Hey Jude”. It can’t all be perfect.

Saturday Flashback: Kate Winslet – What If

“I feel like I should apologise for subjecting our reader to this.”

Tom: Wait, what?

Tim: Oh yes, you read that right. Now, I will happily admit this is a fairly awful song (despite my continuing view that nothing is definitively good or bad), but it honestly is one of my favourite songs ever.

Tom: I feel like I should apologise for subjecting our reader to this.

Tim: It’s just SO CHEESY it’s not true. If we were to imagine a scale of cheese, we might have something like Wings as a tuft of mozzarella, My Love as a gentle cheddar, while this is way up there as a proper gorgonzola. And, for precisely this reason, I love this so much.

Tom: It’s the cash-in Oscar Bait soundtrack hit from a Christmas movie. It was always going to be on the cheese scale, but oh bloody hell that key change. I mean, you know it’s going to have one, but that is a humdinger.

Tim: Isn’t it just divine?

Here’s an anecdote you probably won’t believe is true: I was having a fairly important conversation with someone at work, and this song came on. Whatever he said, I couldn’t stop a huge smile coming across my face.

Tom: No, that sounds about normal for you.

Tim: When the chorus hit, I swear to God I started swaying gently. It’s probably a good thing we turned it off before the key change hit, because I don’t think I could have resisted singing out loud to it. It’s awful, and I LOVE IT.

Tom: I’m not sure I can bring myself to dislike it. I wish I could.

Tim: EMBRACE IT.

Conor Maynard – Vegas Girl

“I can’t bloody stand it.”

Tom: We’re now at the point where we can call someone the “British Justin Bieber” – even if he tries to stay away from that description – and have his video revolve around creepily stalking someone on Twitter.

I’m not yet old enough to bemoan “what has society become”, but give me a few more years and I’ll probably start mumbling that this was the point where civilisation started to collapse.

Tom: While the Bieber comparison doesn’t hold up to deep scrutiny – he’s 19, for starters – his music falls into the same category for me. I’m not in the demographic that it’s being cynically marketed to, and therefore I can’t bloody stand it. How about you, Tim?

Tim: Well, before I’d heard the music I’d laughed at even the vague notion that someone who bumps into a girl on the street accidentally would say anything other than a mumbled “sorr–” before moving on, let alone strike up a conversation and end up with a picture of the girl. However, writing this I still haven’t heard the music so I’ll reserve judgement for a bit. Hang on.

Yeah, I’m kind of with you, which I suppose means we’re not really the sort of people who should be reviewing his music. And you know that…which means you have something to say.

Tom: Now, his southern accent may make his American fans love him, but the trouble is that an accent like that works best when being self-effacing or charming. Think ‘Hugh Grant’ or, at a push, ‘Boris Johnson’. Unfortunately, the music business requires arrogance and enthusiasm, and I’m not sure it’s a good fit. There’s an advert lurking around for an MTV show featuring him, and my word, he appears to be a colossal jerk. I’m sure he’s not – but he sounds like one.

Tim: Ah, you mean the video where he asks people to vote for him, and then does nothing for almost a minute so people can use that time to vote for him. Well, he isn’t one – or at least he wasn’t when he was being interviewed on the radio last week – but you’re right, this video and that do make him seem like a bit of bell-end.

Misha B – Home Run

Bloody hell, it goes all wrong.

Tom: The only thing I can remember about this particular X Factor artist is Peter Dickson shouting her name. Apart from that, she’s pretty much a blank in my head.

Tim: Well, she’s the one that bullied people but then she wasn’t a bully so it’s all okay, and consistently dressed up like a Quality Street with a unicorn horn and pointless rap breakdown.

Tom: This starts wonderfully. A piano intro, a fantastic soulful vocal, a promising build…

Tim: Oh dear.

Tom: …and then, bloody hell, it goes all wrong. Whose stupid idea was that giggle?

Tim: The giggle’s the only thing you’re complaining about? I doubt that very much.

Tom: It’s like they’ve lumped everything in: occasional dubstep wubs, background vocals that sound like a Justin Timberlake song, an air horn as if Tim Westwood was mixing it, and a particularly dumb innuendo-gasp.

Tim: That’s more like it, because let’s be honest this is just noise, isn’t it. For a start, I’ve listened to it twice and I’m still not really sure what or when the chorus is. It pretty much sounds like someone’s reached into a bag of all the things that have been popular over the past two years and grabbed a few things at random, which is really not a good way to make music.

Tom: In the middle eight, she actually sings, and it’s good – but the rest of it is just a confused, disappointing mess.