Mainstream – Page 68

Saturday Flashback: Busted – What I Go To School For

Musically genius, lyrically terrible.

Tim: Now, I know we did a ten-year anniversary post just a few months back so some might see this as slightly lazy, to which I say: screw you, I’ve had this planned since Christmas. Because it’s Busted, the greatest pop rock band of all time.

Tom: That claim’s wrong on many levels, but let’s move on.

Tim: Oh, it so isn’t. But okay.

Tim: And ten years ago today, this debut single shot into the charts at number 3 and then hung around the top 20 for the next month or so. And why wouldn’t it?

Tom: It’s a brilliant pop song, but it epitomises everything I always thought about Busted. The music is perfectly-produced pop genius, but the lyrics are bloody awful, all half-arsed single entendres and lines that don’t really scan (“even though it is a real bore”?!). Year 3000, their most successful song by a long way, was the same: musical genius, lyrically terrible.

Tim: I’ll be honest: I can’t really disagree, or at least not with the facts you’re stating about the lyrics – I can’t, however, agree with the awful or terrible. Because without these lyrics, how would you convey this teacher fantasy? And it’s an important message – most schoolkids have a teacher they secretly fancy, and these guys are telling the world there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s perfectly acceptable to sit in a tree staring through her windows, or to peer through her letterboxes. It’s even better when she invites kids half her age inside and proceeds to give them snooker lessons, a gentle caning and a quick run around the long waving grass.

Tom: They were trying to be rebellious and edgy while being actually just a bit creepy. Another reason they never sat well with me.

Tim: Creepy? Well, possibly. But let’s not forget that this wasn’t the band’s only foray in fantasies with authority figues – eighteen months later they brought out Air Hostess, with a video involving the captain and first officer leaving the flight deck during landing to investigate their illegal embarkation and a chorus that includes the standout line “I messed my pants when we flew over France.” Again, top notch lyrics.

But in all seriousness, would a ten-year reunion be too much to ask for?

Tom: What Busted started, McFly came along and perfected: the two bands are intertwined in terms of members and songwriting, but it’s pretty clear who came out as the victor in the end. Never mind the reunion: see McFly instead.

Tim: Oh, fine. If I must.

Michael Jackson feat. Pitbull – Bad

PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME HEAR THIS AGAIN.

Tim: NO.

Tom: Sometimes, Tim, a track comes along that is so damn terrible that we have to have a two minutes’ hate towards it. Or in this case, a four minutes and twenty seven seconds’ hate.

Tim: PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME HEAR THIS AGAIN.

Tom: Wait, you’ve already heard it? How? I wasn’t aware that any radio station anywhere had bothered to play it.

Tim: Oh, it got linked to with an accompanying warning along the lines of “If you listen to this you will die”, and then I thought “oh, it can’t be that bad” and three minutes later thought “well that was an understatement and a half”.

Tom: This is a pretty terrible way to mark a 25th anniversary.

Tim: Oh, really? You think? Because I can’t think of many worse things, unless someone happened to set fire to a synagogue on 8th May 1970.

Tom: Wow. I mean… wow. I… that may be the worst thing you’ve ever written.

Tim: Tasteless? Utterly. Undeserved? Not at all.

Tom: Mind you, the odd thing is that the remix part is pretty good. Unnecessary, sure, but modernising a track like this isn’t uncommon, and sometimes it produces a work of genius (for example, the Groovefinder remix of Satellite of Love from a few years back). This isn’t quite that good, but there’s nothing wrong with it.

Tim: True. There’s also nothing wrong with the Darth Maul fight in The Phantom Menace. But then there’s Jar Jar Binks, midichlorians and just about EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE FILM. AND THIS SONG.

Tom: Actually, there are issues with that fight, but that’s an issue for another time. Anyway, then there’s Pitbull. He’s unnecessary – not just in this track, just in terms of existence. He’s even product-placing in the middle of this. Is there such a thing as a music license? If so, can we revoke his?

Tim: Unfortunately not, largely because you’d have to stretch the definition of music a very, very long way to get it even close to Pitbull.

Tom: Michael Jackson must be spinning in his grave. Or moonwalking, anyway.

No Doubt – Settle Down

That’s at least two minutes longer than it needs to be.

Tom: Like yesterday, it’s the first single off the new album. Unlike yesterday, the video’s got more than one colour in it.

Tim: Shame. I had hopes for a week of monochrome videos, then each post could have a theme song. Yesterday’s was Eiffel 65, then we could have had Coldplay, Will Young, Prince and finish off with Spandau Ballet. Well, maybe another time.

Tom: Yellow, Evergreen, Purple Rain and Gold, for those keeping track at home.

Tim: That’s at least two minutes longer than it needs to be. Radio edit, possibly?

Tom: I thought this was going to be terrible until the chorus.

Tim: Hmm. Given the length, I was hoping for that first verse being a lengthy introduction followed by verses in the style of what is actually the chorus. But no.

Tom: Actually, let me rephrase: it is pretty terrible apart from the chorus. I don’t know why I was expecting more from Gwen Stefani (particularly after seeing Adam Buxton’s version of Hollaback Girl).

Tim: Umm, no, me neither.

Tom: But that chorus… well, I think it would save the track, were the song still not far too long. It doesn’t need the long intro and ending, it doesn’t need the “in line and settle down” bits. It does need more of that chorus.

Tim: So much more.

Tulisa ft. Tyga – Live It Up

“Hate’s a strong word, really.”

Tom: I predict you’re going to hate this, Tim, but that’s mainly because I hate it.

Tim: Hate’s a strong word, really, but you’re not far off. Still, let’s write about it anyway.

Tom: I think it’s the grating, endless air-raid siren sample that started me on the disliking path, followed by suddenly realising the speaking-in-tongues backing existed, and not being able to hear anything else.

Tim: For me it’s just so slow – during the verses, there’s an incredibly dull beat in the background, and the lines she sings are punctuated by equal amounts of silence from her, which accentuates that.

Tom: The song goes nowhere, does nothing, occasionally does an irritating fake-silent bit, and – just to kick folks when they’re down – has a not-clever poorly-flowing rap as a middle eight.

Tim: Were you honestly expecting anything else? That’s almost the worst part about the rap bit – yes, it’s crap, but you knew it was going to be crap as soon as the second chorus ended, and then it just meanders along. I’m reminded of the scene in Austin Powers where the guy’s twenty metres from the slow-moving truck and screams at it desperately to stop rather than getting out of the way, except here we can’t get out of the way so it’s not funny.

Tom: Then there’s the generic beach video, in which she seems to be wearing enough makeup for a small army of drag queens – either that, or she’s been badly digitally airbrushed in post.

Tim: Does look like quite a fun beach party, though, and by the looks of their dancing they had some much better music than this in the background.

Tom: In summary: don’t like it.

Tim: Likewise. But something good’s come from it: we’ve just written a thorough, detailed, grown-up review of a song we both dislike, rather than descending into the usual snark and cheap digs. I hate to say this, Tom, but I think we’ve matured.

Tom: Like your mum.

Tim: What?

Tom: Sorry, that doesn’t even make sense, does it?

Tim: In the literal sense of growing older, yes; as a joke? Not remotely.

Elton John vs Pnau – Foreign Fields

“I can’t call it a “remix”, because it’s an entirely new track.”

Tom: I’ve tried to write about this album a few times over the last few months, as various singles from it have come out. And each time I’m failed, because I find it difficult to come to any coherent view of it.

Tom: Do excuse the dodgy fan-video: the official one is locked down on YouTube for some reason.

Pnau are two suitably-weird Australian dance music producers, who were mentored by and signed by Elton John. They’ve released an album taking some of his lesser-known tracks and… well, I can’t call it a “remix”, because it’s an entirely new track. I can’t claim to have heard the original of this before, despite rather liking Elton John. Listening to that original shows just how much has been changed.

Tim: I’d not heard it either, but I don’t think it’s a necessary prerequisite to liking this.

Tom: And the remix is… well, I don’t think it’s an improvement on the original, but that’s because I’m a sucker for that kind of piano-melody gospel-choir track. As a reinterpretation it’s lovely, isn’t it?

Tim: It is lovely, yes. Not so sure about the weird vocoding effect at the end, but otherwise this is fine.

Tom: Granted, the out-of-nowhere ending on the remix sucks, and it doesn’t really seem to go anywhere: but I can’t help but like it.

The Killers – Runaways

I’ve got no complaints.

Tom: The Killers are known best for Mr. Brightside. Then they’ve got Somebody Told Me, which is almost as popular. Plus there’s When You Were Young, Human, Spaceman, All These Things I’ve Done and Read My Mind, in probable order of how likely someone is to remember them.

Tim: Something like that, yes, although Spaceman’s my favourite (so far, at least). Anyway, I’m sure you’d like to tell us what all this means, so apologies for interrupting.

Tom: What I’m saying is this: they’ve had a couple of killer tracks on every single album so far, albeit the big anthemic ones were both on the first album, eight years ago. This is the first single off the new album. Can they keep it going?

Tom: Yes. Yes they can. It’s not going to be a singalong club favourite, but it’s just as good as any of the tracks in that B-list I mentioned above. And when their B-list is this good, well, I’ve got no complaints.

Tim: Me neither. It sounds vaguely like it could be a U2 track from their 1980s days, before they took a dip, what with all the lengthy yelling and instruments and stuff, and I like that a lot.

Tom: Well, maybe a couple of complaints. It wasn’t until that final chorus that I thought the song had properly ‘kicked in’, so I was rather surprised when it ended. A second listen solved that, though.

Tim: My main niggle is that I’d love the “we all just runaway” to keep going through the instrumental bars it leads into, because I have a tune in my head that would go brilliantly there. It goes “we’re all just runaways, runaways, dum daa dum”, although with actual words in the las three bits. Doesn’t that sound great?

Tom: Minor tweaks aside, I reckon they’ve got a solid single here, sounding fresh enough while remaining true to their original sound. Not many bands can say that, eight years on.

Leona Lewis feat. Childish Gambino – Trouble

“Everything about this works for me.”

Tim: Leona’s not really been heard from since the whole Penguin/Fade Into Darkness/Collide clusterfudge last June, but hopefully everyone’s forgotten about that and can enjoy her new song about how she’s a terrible person.

Tim: Right. I am properly bored of lyric videos. They were a decent idea a couple of years ago when we all went ‘ooh, look what they’ve done with the writing, that’s fun’. Occasionally you still get ones where the people put effort in, like the Muse one or the Little Mix one, but this is not one of those. It is lazy, it is dull, and it is something anybody with a copy of PowerPoint and access to a stock video library could put together in about half an hour (and indeed have been doing on YouTube for the past six years).

Tom: To be fair, there’s a lot of subtle design work done on this one, particularly with the explosions – but unless you make motion graphics for a living, you probably wouldn’t notice them.

Tim: No. So I’d like it on record that now, I dislike them and songs we review that feature them will likely as not get me in a grumpy mood.

Tom: Well, you’re going to be grumpy for a while then, because lyric videos are here to stay. They need to get the track on YouTube, they want a cheap video that isn’t just a static image… you get a lyric video. Simple as that.

Tim: Hmm. Haven’t even mentioned the worst thing yet, though: they provide an opportunity to highlight the fact that apparently ‘tryna’ is now a word.

Tom: They could at least have put an apostrophe in there.

Tim: But…but where would it go? It’s not even a contraction, it’s just a mish-mash of letters.

ANYWAY now I’ve got that out of the way, let’s discuss the song, which is actually pretty decent. Is the rapper needed? No, and he’s most likely only there to bump up the radio & audience potential, but I suppose that’s pretty much why any element of any song is present so we shouldn’t really dock it points.

Tom: Bit of background about that rapper: “Childish Gambino” is the alter ego of Donald Glover, a comedian who’s best known for playing Troy in the brilliant TV series Community. He’s clever, he’s articulate, and he’s providing a rap that is – to borrow a phrase – “plot-relevant”. He’s not just bragging about himself. For the first time in a while: this is a rap bit that I like, and that fits.

Tim: As for her singing – it’s as raw, emotional and powerful as we’d all expect from Leona, so that’s a good thing indeed.

Tom: Agreed. Everything about this works for me: the dark tone, the rap, the backing. It’s very, very good.

Tim: I’m almost tempted to wait a few weeks until we’ve got a proper video to look at and I won’t have the anger from this bubbling away inside me, but I suppose that does at least set the scene for what the song’s about so it’s not so bad.

Tom: Try it without the video. It’s a cracking song.

Ronan Keating – Fires

It’s quite a bit louder than I was expecting

Tim: There’s not a lot left of the 1990s Irish boyband scene; in fact, unless I’m missing someone, there’s only Ronan still doing stuff.

Tom: Blimey. That’s a surprise to me.

Tim: Almost to me too, really.

Tom: No, I mean that Ronan’s still going.

Tim: Oh. Well, let’s see what he’s leading his new album with.

Tom: The birdsong in the video set the scene for a quiet ballad. That’s not what actually happened.

Tim: No – it’s quite a bit louder than I was expecting, I’ve got to say, although that might be because it’s been so long since I paid attention to him that I still think he’s all Life Is A Rollercoaster and Love Me For A Reason. That’s actually a nice thing, though, because to be honest it wouldn’t have surprised me if he’d gone and been boring as seems to be the fashion nowadays, DOESN’T IT ED SHEERAN AND LANA DEL RAY??

Tom: I’m still bitter about Ed Sheeran covering Pink Floyd at the closing ceremony. To be fair, I’m still bitter about the closing ceremony.

Tim: But yes, this has energy to it and is pleasant. It’s nothing special, admittedly, but it’s, well, good. Not sure quite what more there is to say about it, mind, but I enjoy listening to it and that’s what matters.

But now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a Bentley. Not sure why, just seems like the sort of thing I want to do.

Tom: Do you also want to run in pretentious slow motion? Just thought I’d ask.

Tim: Already got my route planned to the garage, yes.

Joe McElderry – Here’s What I Believe

It desperately needs something special.

Tim: This here’s the lead single from his fourth album (or second, if you don’t count the classical one or the Christmas covers one).

Tom: Does he believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows?

Tim: No, he doesn’t.

Tom: Good, because that’s a stupid belief.

Tim: It is. You’ll likely be relieved to know that he also doesn’t believe that the sun will never set upon an argument, which is equally stupid.

Tom: Oh, don’t get me started on that bloody song.

Tim: Now this song pretty much fits the template we came up with last week, so I won’t say much about it, except that it desperately needs something special to kick it at the end, because when the instrumentation’s that calm in the background an extra ‘ohhh’ in the background just doesn’t cut it.

Tom: He’s targeting the Radio 2 audience – and not unsurprisingly, they’re the first to play it. But I didn’t just link to Robson and Jerome up there to remind you of how bad pop music can get – it’s also there to demonstrate the absolute other end of the scale. Two minutes long, gospel choir, bells, designed to hit every emotional beat as cheaply as possible.

This is about as “middle of the road” as you can get, and it’s probably going to sink because of it.

Tim: Almost without a doubt, yes.

I would like to say, though, that I feel a tad sorry for Joe, because one thing this song does do is demonstrate the fact that he’s got a bloody good voice. Dammit, he won the biggest TV singing contest there is but then pretty much got roundly ignored, and I don’t really understand why. Maybe it’s just that he’s a guy, and male winners have never done well (every single one of them got forgotten about in the recent promo for the new series), but if that’s the case then it’s a shame.

Tom: Well, he’s not done badly. After all, there are countless vocalists who haven’t got as far as he has. He’s still playing big concerts. Don’t feel too sorry for him.

Tim: True, and I suppose it’s not like we have a shortage of pop stars, and I can’t say I missed him while he wasn’t around, but I do feel sorry for him.

Muse – Madness

Like a cross between George Michael and Freddie Mercury.

Tom: I know, they’re not remotely Europop. But they’re also one of the biggest bands in the world, and taking an interesting new direction – so let’s have a listen to this one.

Tim: Is that it? Because, well, that is an interesting new direction if they’ve pretty much dropped everything a lot of people associate with Muse (i.e. loud guitars and drums and rock stuff).

Tom: They’ve never been a band scared of experimentation, despite their mainstream popularity: they had a 13-minute symphony on their last album. And now? Well, they’ve found dubstep, released a calm track, and Matt Bellamy now sounds like a cross between George Michael and Freddie Mercury. In fact, Muse seem to be closest we have to a modern version of Queen – and I mean that as a compliment, not in the sense that they’re ripping them off.

Tim: Well, possibly, though I’d add Bono into that collective. It’s interesting how they use the instrumental break to pretty much completely switch genres, turning the dance stuff way down low until the very end when there’s nothing else left.

Tom: It’s the epitome of a slow builder, ending in a positively triumphant chorus. It’s not traditional Muse, and I don’t know what the fans will think – but I like it.

Tim: I like it too, which really isn’t the sort of thing I thought I’d end a review of a Muse track with.