Mainstream – Page 72

The Saturdays – 30 Days

This starts as it means to go on.

Tom: Never mind yesterday’s slow-to-kick-in pop: this starts as it means to go on.

Tom: Side note: am I the only one that’s surprised there aren’t any Saturdays splits or side projects yet? One of them’s got to be the Robbie, surely.

Tim: I’ll go out on a limb: yes, you are. They’ve been together for five years, and Girls Aloud went for seven years without stopping, Westlife for twelve. Even Take That held it together for six years, so even assuming there’s a rule it’s still early days.

Tom: Really? Wow. I stand corrected. Anyway, another side note: there’s no need for a music video to be letterboxed this much. It doesn’t look like a movie. It looks like the viewer’s constantly squinting.

Tim: There, I will agree.

Tom: The reason that I’m going off on side notes, by the way, is that I can’t think of anything interesting to say about the song. I’m not even sure what it’s about. It’s like someone played the Slot Machine of Pop and it churned out a random mishmash of the last few Saturdays tracks.

Tim: I got a similar feeling – more specifically, that I didn’t really care what the lyrics were, nor was I meant to care. As long as I hear the music and dance, that is enough for The Man.

Tom: It’s just… generic.

Tim: And that is enough. It seems.

Jessie J feat. David Guetta – Laserlight

It kicks in a lot later than you might think, but when it does… BOOM.

Tom: Like a lot of David Guetta tracks, it kicks in a lot later than you might think, but when it does… BOOM.

Tom: I’m having to resort to nitpicking to find things to criticisms about this track. Is that autotune I hear at 1:38, or just overcompression? I’m not sure. And that stylophone-like synth line in the builds sticks out like a sore thumb.

Tim: I quite that that bit. And as for the 1:38 bit, I think it’s just, well, singing.

Tom: Frankly, in a track this polished it’s difficult to complain about things like that. Even the twinkly piano outro works for me – it’ll be gone in the remixes, of course.

Tim: True. But if we’re nitpicking, I’m saying this: I find this hairstyle terrifying. With her usual fringe she looks friendly and nice, and the wavy thing she’s had for The Voice is also good. But all stretched back like this for some reason just scares me. I think it’s the eyebrows more than anything.

Tom: Oh, now you’ve pointed them out I can’t see anything else. Thanks for that. Anyway, if all this year’s summer anthems are of the quality we’ve seen in this last couple of weeks, Tim, it’s going to be a good year to be a clubber.

Aiden Grimshaw – Is This Love

X Factor 2010 – the series that just keeps spewing.

Tim: X Factor 2010 – the series that just keeps spewing.

Tim: You’ve probably lost count by now (I know I had), but a visit to Wikipedia told me that Aiden is the seventh of the sixteen finalists to release solo material.

Tom: Is that all? I’d have expected all of them to at least have tried it.

Tim: No, but I’m fairly sure that’s a record by quite some margin. And if it’s any consolation, they have all tried YOUR MUM. (OH YES – IT’S STILL ON.)

Tom: Damn. We may only have two regular readers, Tim, but at least we rewards them with running jokes.

Tim: Anyway, Aiden was originally my favourite, because for some reason he was the only one who could put proper emotion and feelings into a downbeat song, with some proper SERIOUSFACE going on.* And he’s not really lost that particular talent – he’s looking properly ‘with his thoughts’ in that photo.

Moving on to the music, I like it a lot, mainly for the chorus, because it’s interesting, it’s vibrant and more importantly there is A LOT HAPPENING. The starting build-up, then the falsetto voice and then the backing that all kicks off like nobody’s business – it’s brilliant.

* I got quite annoyed when he got kicked off, as it happens.

Tom: Drum and bass almost seems out-of-date now, what with its younger sibling dubstep coming along to make some noise. It’s an odd choice to pick as a pop single backing, but it works very well.

Tim: Unfortunately, it’s let down by the verses, which just don’t compare at all. That second verse in particular, short as it is, just seems dull and I’m waiting for the next chorus to come along. It’s also a bit weird the way it drifts away after what ought to be the middle eight, but that’s allowed, I suppose, but it’s the verses that turn me from loving it to just liking it.

Tom: I think it works well as a whole: aside from that ending. Maybe I’m just too traditional, but one final BIG CHORUS would have worked for me.

Tim: Well, whatever niggles we may have, there’s a lot of potential there, so let’s hope the next one’s even better, yes?

The Proclaimers – Spinning Around in the Air

Is it a novelty song?

Tom: Wait, the Proclaimers? Those Proclaimers? Yes. Lead single off their ninth album. The trouble is, no matter whatever they try, after 500 Miles they’re always going to get filed under “novelty song”. And this is…

Tom: …yep, it’s a novelty song.

Tim: You sure about that? They’ll always be ‘those guys that did 500 miles’, but this is a perfectly competent song, no?

Tom: It’s in waltz time. It includes the lyric “let me donate something to a kids’ charity… of your choice”. Sorry, Proclaimers. But with those lyrics, those accents, and that instrumentation… no matter what you’re aiming for, and what your fans think, the rest of the public is going to go – in order – “wait, they’re still going?” and “that’s a novelty song” and “they must be hard up”.

Tim: So you reckon it’s down to public opinion whether a song is a novelty or not?

Tom: Hm. I had to think about that, but yes I do. And songs can move into that category as well, despite being serious when they were released.

Tim: Because I’d disagree – it might get (unfairly) filed under ‘cheese’ by a lot of people, but I think novelty on its own is— actually, I think we’re just getting into semantics here.

Tom: Okay, here’s a definition for you: “for the general public, it’s only going to get played at weddings and kids’ parties”. I’d be surprised if this falls outside that definition.

Tim: It’s probably not what most people would call ‘decent music’ (and by most people I mean the sort of people that generally disagree with us about music), but that doesn’t make it novelty. And now that’s a word that’s started to lose all meaning.

Rebecca Ferguson – Glitter & Gold

A voice right out of Motown.

Tim: SPARKLY!

Tom: No, it’s not a more sparkly cover of Sam Sparro.

Tim: Oh.

Tom: A voice right out of Motown. How many other stars would dare to end a track a capella?

Tim: Off the top of my head, quite a few. But it’s a voice that deserves the attention that provides, I’ll grant you that.

Tom: And wonderfully, this isn’t about sex, or relationships, or the love of money. The key phrase is “take care of your soul”, and the video’s a classy piece about rejecting superficiality. I want this to take the charts by storm. I want this to get to number 1 and, specifically, to beat some look-at-me rap star with an autotuned voice and a fancy Mercedes. It’s lovely.

Tim: Well, news for you: Radio 1 will playlist it, Capital will like it and play it a bit, and it’ll get top 10. Number one? Unlikely, but not impossible. You may get your wish.

Cheryl – Call My Name

We are most definitely entering SUMMER ANTHEM SEASON.

Tim: She toured with some of her former bandmates last year, and there’s an album in the works out in July, but in the meantime, former Record Breakers presenter, multiple UK Eurovision representative and serial skirt remover Cheryl Baker has dropped her surname in a bid to cause the biggest name confusion since that whole One Direction thing kicked off.

Tim: Hmm. Actually not much of a departure from her previous work.

Tom: It’s hardly bubblegum pop or the Land of Make Believe, is it?

Tim: The backing’s gone a bit too far forward for my liking, but on the other hand the voice is familiar, the song structure stacks up nicely and it’s got a decent tune behind it.

Tom: We are most definitely entering SUMMER ANTHEM SEASON.

Tim: I like this quite a lot, as it turns out. Good work Ms Baker.

Tom: Did you know that the front page of the Guinness Book of Records is blank?

Tim: Really.

Tom: A dedication’s what they need.

Tim: There it is.

Tulisa – Young

SUMMER DANCE CHOON season has officially started.

Tom: She’s on a boat! She’s on a boat! Everybody look at her, ‘cos she’s sailing on a boat!

Tim: She’s also breaking into hotel rooms, stealing dogs, burning cars and vandalising works of art.

Tom: Okay, the SUMMER DANCE CHOON season has officially started. Easy lyrics, simple chord progressions, and a video featuring impossibly airbrushed people being jerks in a tropical location.

Tim: Right – you hold her down, I’ll call the police.

Tom: It’s a good track, it’ll be in every club for the next few months, and unusually for the genre, it’s not about relationships, sex, money or bragging.

Tim: Hmm. I was going to say something about how being a young insufferable arsehole is also a tad familiar, but while searching for that I found this brilliant/appalling piece of tripe, which I’d temporarily like to distract you with.

Tom: Oh my word. That basically is 1990s Eurodance in one single video, isn’t it?

Tim: Following that, though, my thoughts on this: good? Meh. Average? Closer. Yes, in every club, and that’s just something I’ll have to put up with, I suppose.

Tom: The second time I listened to this, by the way, it started to annoy me a bit. I foresee full-blown grumbling irritation when I hear it in a couple of months. Oh, and I’ll leave the sex-tape jokes to you.

Tim: Come on man, move on – everyone’s talking about that other one now. Or they will be when I’ve uploaded it.

Tom: Speaking of which, how is your mum?

Tim: Oh. Oh, wow. That is…that is…oh, man, it is on. It. is. ON.

Keane – Silenced By The Night

Will it be interesting enough to say anything about?

Tom: The big question we must face with a Keane song, Tim, is this: will it be interesting enough to say anything about?

Tim: Until I watched this, I’d never really paid much attention to Keane’s name. But look at it. Keane. Suddenly seems a bit weird. Keane. Anyway, here’s their new album’s lead single.

Tom: Semantic satiation, Tim.

Tim: I’d always thought of Keane (Keane. Hmm.) as a sort of dull Travis, who were in turn a fairly dull U2. Bits of this, though, remind me of actual U2 – I’m thinking the first line of the chorus specifically, but overall it’s at that sort of level. Just the opening few notes have a confidence about them that I don’t remember from their first stuff, and that carries on into almost an enforcement of enjoyment and enthusiasm in the listener.

Tom: I saw Keane at Live 8, and they had that confidence then – and an entire crowd singing along with them. The singles off that first album were just so good, that it’s difficult to put this one in perspective.

Tim: Maybe my memory’s doing them an injustice, but this is a lot better than I remember them.

Tom: And maybe my memory’s doing them a different injustice: but this isn’t as good as I remember them.

Tim: Hang on, give me a sec.

…Hmm. My memory is doing them a slight injustice, but I still think this is a damn good track, and probably on a par with the early stuff.

Tom: It’s good. Can I see Hyde Park, full of people, all singing this chorus? Maybe. Ask me in a few more listens’ time.

Anna Sahlene – Jamie

How about a nice “I screwed up, please please please god take me back please please please” song?

Tim: How about a nice “I screwed up, please please please god take me back please please please” song?

Tom: Ooh, a silent moody video intro. Is there going to be piano… yep, there’s the piano.

Tim: What’s interesting about this, lyrically, is that although she seems incredibly desperate, on a level not seen since, well, actually, have there ever been any songs as desperate as this?

Tom: Think Twice by Celine Dion? That screaming is pretty desperate.

Tim: True, but at least there there’s something to cling on to – here he’s actually chucked her and she’s just singing into the wind as much as she can. But despite that, there are only three lines in the whole four minute song that acknowledge she did something bad, and only one implies any form of sorrow. Rude cow.

Tom: Harsh. Should we talk about the music?

Tim: As a ballad it’s not bad, but as a form of apology it’s more “let’s put that behind us” than “I’m so sorry”, and so I’m almost disinclined to like it on that basis alone, which is a shame, really.

Tom: It is. You know what this sounds like? It sounds like an Elton John track. I mean that as a compliment – it’s not going to be the first single off an Elton John album, but it sounds like the kind of thing he’d put together. I like it.

Tim: It is quite good, I’ll grudgingly admit, and that delicate key change almost makes up for whatever it was she did. Unless she killed his dog or something.

Scissor Sisters – Only The Horses

It sounds like Jake Shears is singing, sure, but everything else has changed.

Tom: This doesn’t sound like the Scissor Sisters.

Tim: Ooh, pretty colours.

Tom: I mean, it sounds like Jake Shears is singing, sure, but everything else has changed. They’ve been slowly edging in a new direction for a while, and this… well, with this they’ve just made a break for it.

Tim: I like it a lot. It’s a very different style — you can certainly hear the Calvin Harris production — and I think it’s a great track.

Tom: Which is a shame, because I loved how they used to sound. I try to keep an open mind about artists taking new styles, but when they’re as generic as this… it’s like they’ve stripped away almost everything that made them original. It’s Calvin Harris (who produced it) featuring the Scissor Sisters.

Tim: Hmm…you may have a point there. But still — actually, no, that’s a very good point. As a track, I like it, but we don’t really need another band joining in the multitude of acts there already are doing stuff like this.

Tom: There are some bands who’ve taken amazing new directions… but this isn’t one of them. It’s not bad. It’ll get airplay. But it ain’t the Scissor Sisters I know.